Dave Barry's Blog

GOOD WORK, TSA

An Oregon man on a flight to Alaska this month was stung by a scorpion that authorities say likely boarded the jet during a stop at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport

STOP GIVING THEM BEER

OSU researcher says he's found way to possibly curb cow burps

(Thanks to Rob Johnson)

EXTREMELY SLOW NEWS DAY INSPIRATIONAL STORY FROM THE UK

A woman overcomes her fear of bananas. Apparently by beating them up.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DINING UPDATE

S. Korea dog meat festival bites the dust

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

GO AHEAD AND SPOIL IT FOR EVERYBODY

Deputies: 'There Is No Poop Fairy'

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HEAL THYSELF

A MAN waved a knife at hospital staff and threatened to cut out his own tumour after becoming frustrated at long waiting times, a court has been told.

We're on his side:

The court heard Bool had been on the waiting list for 18 months before being called in to the hospital on June 28 last year for the elective surgery.

Defence barrister, Eoin Mac Giolla Ri, said his client had sat in the waiting room for several hours wearing nothing but a hospital gown.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THANKS FOR SHARING

KEYE planning to start the day with spunk

(Thanks to Gregg in Austin)

IF THIS DOESN'T REDUCE OUR LIFESTYLE CARBON, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

A popular Chinese TV host is riding a bicycle naked to encourage people to lead a low carbon lifestyle.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that the host is based in Guangdong)

WAIT... YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT?

Is Your Shampoo Making You Fat?

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

AS IF HURRICANES WEREN'T ENOUGH

Giant Lizards Humping Around in SoFla

(Thanks to Ellie Brecher and Ralph)

EXTREMELY POPULAR WITH THE GAL INSECTS

'Singing penis' sets noise record for water insect

(Thanks to djtonyb and Dr. Doug)

CSI: AUBURN

Timothy W. Dixon, 45, of Florence, S.C., and Travis A. Brumbalough, 25, of Crussville, Tenn., were arrested and charged with first-degree theft of property after trying to make a getaway on a pair of motorized shopping carts they took from a Walmart.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE THINGS CAN BE LETHAL

Toddler used as weapon on Toronto streetcar

(Thanks to The Perts)

STAND TALL, MOLDOVA

If you can stand at all, that is.

Incredible: Ireland is only the fifteenth drunkest country.

(Thanks to cydstep)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK

Robot Armpit

Warning: Image of a robot armpit.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

MEN SHOULD STOP READING THIS ITEM RIGHT NOW

AN NHS nurse is offering backstreet silicone ops to enhance men's privates - using a DIY sealant gun.

Headline: "Silicone Willy Con"

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Travelers were delayed at John F. Kennedy Airport Wednesday morning after about 150 turtles ambled onto a runway and blocked air traffic from moving.

(Thanks to Chuck Schneider and Ralph)

Turtle Terrorism Update:

Turtle To Blame For Rollover

(Thanks to Guin)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: Kudzu.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE WERE TEMPTED TO MAKE A BUTTHEADS JOKE HERE, BUT WE ARE TOO CLASSY

A small, plant-eating dinosaur that became extinct 65 million years ago was the king of the head butt, new research from the University of Calgary suggests.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE DAY WHEN THE DOGS RISE UP AND KILL US ALL

It's coming.

(Thanks to Jennifer Bryant)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Car crashes in on couple lying in bed

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO... HEY! STOP THAT!

A Jetstar passenger who urinated in a plane aisle during a flight, spraying other passengers, has been let off with a warning.

Incredibly, alcohol appears to have been involved.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

BOTH OF WHICH SHOULD BE BANNED

Road rage involved bowl of oatmeal, pistol

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

There, about 60 doctors, most of them OB-GYNs, converged to discuss the expanding field of “cosmetic-gyn”—elective surgeries for women seeking to “rejuvenate” and/or “beautify” their vaginas.

Key Term: "The Barbie"

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

 

DEPARTMENT OF QUESTIONS WE HAVE ALL ASKED OURSELVES A THOUSAND TIMES

How can I get my girlfriend to tape her fingers together and pretend she's a dinosaur?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NERDFIGHT

Pi vs. Tau.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

BECAUSE THEY DON'T HATE US ENOUGH ALREADY

Cat-fur jewelry.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

IF NECESSARY, WE'D GIVE UP FITNESS

‘Beer Runner’ Combines Fitness With Drinking

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

Gen-pets.

(Thanks to Stan Franzeen)

NO

Have a Ball at Serbia’s Testicle Cooking Championship

(Thanks to J Brown)

'THE RABBITS REALLY LIKE IT'

Drugs plot raid reveals old woman feeding rabbits with cannabis

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLIRTING, WISCONSIN STYLE

Naked Wausau man arrested after defecating in woman's garage

(Thanks to dasfhak)

AUSTRALIAN REAL ESTATE PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Australian Real Estate Professional of the Week.

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

TERRORISM UPDATE

A quiet street in Tredegar, Blaenau Gwent, was invaded by a herd of cows which trampled on gardens and peered into windows, say residents.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EVERYONE COULD USE AN IMPROVED BOYA

Dave,

I received this great business opportunity today. You've had some good ones, but I think I have you beat.

-Corey Smith

Dear company - Honorable Mr. President.
Have a nice day. Please be on the five-minute attention.
 I am a diver. Dive around. 32 years. But the skill in filling in the open air, I neither engage in make-fast = make-fast so I tweaked. Now it is filling the air make-fast safer and easier.
My reason for the letter:
- I offer you improve your boya
- I have an idea of the contract
Mr President, if you are interested, Please Enter me.

TODAY'S SCIENCE FACT

The shape of a woman's lips may predict the likelihood of her having an orgasm.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THIS JUST IN

Just in time for summer, a Chinese company has introduced the Male Size-Enhancing Speedo Bulge.

(Thanks to Lee Carson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SEX PISTOLS

Flesh-eating cocaine reported in New York, L.A.

(Thanks to jon harris)

SPEAKING OF LOWLIGHTS

Here's an interview with Erik "The Lizard Man" Sprague.

(Thanks to funny man, who notes that Erik is single)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE LOWLIGHT WAS

The highlight, without doubt, is 68-year-old Zhou thwacking his nuts, first with a weight, then with a hammer.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HEY, IF THAT'S NOT FOREIGN DEVELOPMENT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

Both President Tran Duc Luong, 68, and Prime Minister Phan Van Khai, 72, are expected to announce their retirement when Vietnam's 10th National Congress ends next Tuesday. Their anticipated exits follow an explosive series of corruption revelations after the news that more than 200 civil servants embezzled £4m in government funds - much of it foreign development grants - to gamble on mainly European football matches.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE SCENE IN HAMLET WHERE CLAUDIUS ORDERS A PIZZA

A South African anthropologist has asked permission to open the graves of William Shakespeare and his family to determine, among other things, what killed the Bard and whether his poems and plays may have been composed under the influence of marijuana.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ROLE MODEL

Father smashed wine bottle over diner's head for complaining that his baby would not stop crying

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DRUGS AND STREET DEFECATION WILL REMAIN LEGAL

San Francisco considers banning the sale of all pets

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

GROUNDBREAKING ARTIST OF THE DAY SO FAR

A woman creates art by -- prepared to be amazed by a cutting-edge idea so innovative and brilliant that you will be shocked that nobody ever thought of it before -- getting naked.

WARNING: Video of naked cutting-edge art woman.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Bangladesh intercepts dried turtle smugglers

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN

City Greenmarket vendors banned from cutting the cheese outside

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HE WAS MAKING CHANGE ALL NIGHT

A Russian civil servant was caught trying to eat a 35,000 ruble bribe to stop it being seized as evidence.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOW STILL WE SEE THEE LIE

Bethlehem man sentenced for beating over urine

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NOBLESSE OBLIGE

Britain's Prince William and Duchess Catherine are set to have cooked testicles dedicated to them.

(Thanks to Ralph)