Dave Barry's Blog

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Tom Balish Ticketed for Tossing Octopus at Joe Louis Arena

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

IF YOU WATCH TV...

...wear protection.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'VE CONSIDERED THIS, AFTER A FEW HOURS IN THE WAITING ROOM

A New Zealand man amputated, cooked and ate his own finger with vegetables in an apparent attempt to get doctors to take him more seriously, a report in Australian Psychiatry says.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Jeff Meyerson)

PRESTIGIOUS

16 graduate from Master Beef program

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHY THE FRACK SHOULDN'T THEY?

Citizens question fracking royalties

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE REFEREE KEPT HIS DISTANCE

The Portland Timbers made their MLS home debut last night. The team features "mascot" Timber Joey, who wields a chainsaw and slices a log after every goal.

(Thanks to jon harris, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

 

WHICH IS CURRENTLY CHEAPER THAN GASOLINE

Kentucky Man Invents Car that Runs on Makers Mark

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE NATION REJOICES

A new William Shatner album!

(Thanks to fivver)

THE DOG HAS ALSO RETAINED COUNSEL

Man who bit police dog during arrest sues Glendale, Phoenix

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Alan Glenn)

NEITHER SNOW, NOR RAIN, NOR HEAT, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT, ETC.

But sometimes....

(Thanks to Dave Miesen)

WE SAW CLEAVAGE WRINKLES OPEN FOR NEIL DIAMOND

Dutch woman's bra cure for cleavage wrinkles a hit

(Thanks to RussellMc)

EMAIL BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Hello,
How are you doing today ?  My name is OMIKY ANEKE I want to book for CAKE DECORATION LESSON Workshops Classes with you while on a 2weeks holidays in your country.We are a group of 10 people seeking for CAKE DECORATION LESSON: Workshops training while on holidays and as part of our plans we need CAKE DECORATION LESSON for the whole 2weeks in your area.
I would like to book for 2weeks classes for 3 hours each day Monday to Saturday (morning hours) for a group of 10. We are asking for 3 hours per day for 2weeks - Monday - Saturday. A total of 36 hrs
Do you have a training facility where you conduct classes? We can arrange for this,if not available.   Do you have rooms or is there any hotel close to your facility?
DATE: 7TH JUNE 2011 TO 21 JUNE 2011
I would love to know the possibility of working with you during this period.Kindly get back to me with your proposals so that we can make booking asap.
The group would be performing for a group of family members over there. I would love to get the total cost or a quote/estate. What are your payment options?  Do you accept credit cards? I would be grateful if you will be willing to do the work to teach quality classes and make us happy
Regards
OMIKY

 

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT ALERT

The World's Largest Gummy Bear

(Thanks to RukssellMc)

URGENT CANADIAN BULLETIN

Potato break cancelled

(Thanks to The Perts)

HE'S HOLDING OUT FOR A JELLY BEAN WITH KATE MIDDLETON'S FACE

A Worcestershire man has turned down an £80,000 offer for his vast collection of milk bottles.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S FRESH

When she rose in the night to go to the bathroom she was shocked to find that the pork was emitting a 'vague blue light'.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TV-SHOW PROMOTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oops.

(Thanks to Martini Shark and Ralph)

IT'S FRIDAY

Time to get productive.

(Thanks to Another Dave)

THEY'RE OOZING SOMETHING, ANYWAY

The tight and chic JeanPants from local clothes brand CUW are pert, durable and oozing zeitgeist appeal.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

ROYAL WEDDING UPDATE

Jelly bean resembling Kate Middleton to fetch £500

(Thanks to Lani, jon harris and Martini Shark)

SO WHAT, EXACTLY, IS ZSA ZSA'S ROLE?

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband wants his 94-year-old wife to become a mother again using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate mother, Prince Frederic von Anhalt told CNN Thursday

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

CONVENIENT

The police command center was established at North 125th Street and Aurora Avenue North – an intersection that's home to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

PAGING PETER COTTONTAIL

Armenia fears Easter egg shortage

(Thanks to jon harris)

CSI: MODESTO

Police are looking for a woman who dressed as a man and drew a beard on her face with black marker to rob a downtown gas station Wednesday night.

(Thanks to Chris Hodapp)

THE BRIDE WORE A BOUQUET

A naked wedding.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

RECIDIVIST OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Recidivist of the Week.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

OBITUARY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Bye, Ruthie!

(Thanks to marfie)

WHY WE NEED TECHNOLOGY

India Microtags Snakes To Snare Illegal Snake Charmers

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Kindergarten teacher has kids oink at student who was messy

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

AS FORETOLD IN THE BIBLE

Man ‘Engulfed In Flames’ At San Francisco Porn Shop

(Thanks to oldfatguy and Mountain Man and Matt Filar)

THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Boning room means more jobs in region

Battle against wandering willie

(Thanks to Robert Shaw)

INCREDIBLY, THIS IS NOT A TYPO

Portage teen uses girl’s nude photo as threat for not getting sax

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY

A real-life ‘evil hypnotist’ is being hunted down after sending at least eight elderly bank customers into trances and stealing their money.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTEE

Taco Bell Tests Taco Shell Made Entirely of Doritos

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEIR STAFFS WILL WATCH IT FOR THEM

Discovery launching network for rich men in Sept.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

IN CASE YOU WERE CONSIDERING IT

Alaska bars use of stun guns when hunting

“Conceivably someone could Taser a moose or bear, go up and get a picture taken with it, shut the (Taser) off and then release the animal,” said Larry Lewis, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game biologist in Soldotna who wrote the proposal.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AT MINIMUM, EVERYONE INVOLVED SHOULD WEAR A CONDOM

Kiss a frog? Bad idea for you and the frog

(Thanks to The Perts)

THERE IS NO VALID REASON FOR CIVILIANS TO POSSESS THOSE THINGS

A US woman was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon after allegedly beating her husband on the head with a remote control.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY WE LOVE NEW ZEALAND

Famous for packing out venues around the world, teen heart throb Justin Bieber failed to entice even one person into the debut Manawatu screening of his movie `Never Say Never'.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

DUDE

Marijuana causes global warming, uses 1% of U.S. electricity

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

SPIRITUALITY UPDATE

Remember Being There? There's a sequel.

(Thanks to Brett)

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT UNDER ASSAULT

China Decides to Ban Time Travel

(Thanks to Kjetil, Jerald Nichols and jon harris)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

South Florida’s Raging Grannies tackle uterus controversy

(Thanks to Tim)

ATTENTION, AL GORE

World's first carbon neutral bra

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Allen at Division)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

18,500 dead Ohioans on voter rolls

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

DEPARTMENT OF MEDICAL DANGERS THAT YOU THOUGHT WERE OLD WIVES' TALES BUT ARE NOT

Teen Unable to Close Her Mouth After Yawning in Class

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HE ALSO HAS OVER 50,000 HOTEL TOWELS

Czech Republic President Vaclav Klaus acquires a pen.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

HOT DOG?

No thanks.

(Thanks to James)

NO DOUBT ON HIS WAY TO FLORIDA

Police officers monitoring CCTV in a Chinese city were stunned to see a man trying to drive two bumper cars along a busy road.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY

The mice will play.

(Thanks to marfie)