Dave Barry's Blog

NOT WHAT YOU THINK, FORTUNATELY

Heel Condoms

Advisory: Annoying music.

(Thanks to marfie)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

A door closed for Maggie Stern when she lost her sense of smell after a head injury.

And one opened when she agreed to become the official pooper scooper of Haines, Alaska.

(Thanks to B'Game)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM DOWN UNDER

A WILD, drunken birthday party included a sex toy demonstration and punch-up that ended with a victim waking the next day in a vacant lot with a broken jaw, a court heard.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ATTENTION, BARGAIN-HUNTERS

I have 3 internets for sale.
These are the large kind.

(Thanks to WriterDude)

OK, THEN!

Attempted robbery suspect says she was kidding

(Thanks to Bill Jones)

THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Bothell cops bust serial drain cover thief

(Thanks to B'game)

HEY, THOSE THINGS CAN BLOW UP A PLANET

Police said a St. Petersburg man attempted to rob a convenience store using a Sony Playstation remote control.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WISCONSIN STRIKES BACK

Reader Coscolo sends these photos of what he calls "Wisconsin's Answer to the Finnish wood-gas El Camino. It has no chrome, and the spare fuel isn't hidden, but according to cousin who took the photos it works.  I don't know the name of the guy who built it.  He and location should remain anonymous in case it's not legal."

Looks like it would seriously kick the butt of a Prius.

TEEN FASHION UPDATE

Anti-sex underwear.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NO SNACK FOR US, THANKS

Rat droppings on Delta plane 'too numerous to count'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Austria on lookout for frog-leg loving Italians

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ON THE WAY TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

Suspected DUII Driver Plows Through Crime Scene Tape

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Justin Barber)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Otter causes chaos in Tulla in County Clare

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who asks, "What's a Tayto bag?")

THE CANADIAN CRIME WAVE

It is completely out of control.

(Thanks to the Perts)

IT DID WHAT?

Porn Company Has Snatched Up Nearly 25% of 1-800 Numbers in U.S., Canada

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

ART UPDATE

Award-Winning Sculpture Created with Scotch Tape

(Thanks to CRBMed)

WE STAND CORRECTED

A vintage Dave column explains how, at basketball games, when a free throw misses entirely, the crowd sings, "Air ball!" on key, everyone singing together the same musical notes "F" ("air") and "D" ("ball"), even though at any other time people couldn't sing on key if you paid them a million bucks; witness "American Idol".  Although I don't really remember the column, and am too lazy busy sure I'm right to look it up, I can state with authority that Dave's explanation for this musical miracle is all wrong.

Although the notes sung are indeed F and D as Dave writes, the crowd isn't singing in the key of F major, as he concludes.  Instead, it's in the key of Bb (B flat major).  F and D are the first two notes of the Star Spangled Banner when sung in the key of Bb.  High school bands often play the piece in Bb because it's an easy key to play in, although not so easy to sing in.  By the time college rolls around, the bands are able to play in the harder key of Ab so it's easier to sing (the notes are lowered to a more manageable Eb and C), but not everyone goes to college, those that do go don't all attend sporting events, and some of them are too drunk to remember going to college, let alone singing.

In any case, the damage has been done:  F and D have been drummed (no pun intended) into people's heads at a tender age via the Star Spangled Banner for the sole practical purpose of allowing them to bond as a rowdy basketball crowd singing, "Air ball!"

Can you see?
Bob

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

New British Beer Is Laced With Viagra

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot and RussellMc)

 

THE %&#@ YOU SAY

Cursing actually does help dull our perception of pain, research suggests.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IOWA: THE HAPPENING STATE

At the Cedar Rapids advertising firm of ME&V, Mark Mathis is "director of cool." According to The Gazette of Cedar Rapids, Mathis' job is to manage "cool" by helping clients find new approaches.

(Thanks to Trent Whitney and Dan Fischer)

BECAUSE WHAT EMPLOYERS ARE LOOKING FOR IS JOB APPLICANTS WEARING CAPES

Need a job? Local program handing out capes

(Thanks to KJP)

YOU WILL RETURN YOUR SEAT BACK TO THE FULL UPRIGHT AND LOCKED POSITION

Hong Kong Airlines' flight attendants get kung fu training

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

REST EASY, AMERICA

Missing bull semen package located

(Thanks to David Emery)

WHO SAYS GUYS DON'T DO HOUSEWORK?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY'RE ALSO TAKING A HARD LOOK AT NAPPING

ALBANY - State bureaucrats have identified a potentially deadly hazard facing our children this summer - freeze tag.

That's right, officials have decided the age-old street game - along with Wiffle Ball, kickball and dodgeball - poses a "significant risk of injury."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Warning: Raunch.

HOW MANY MILES PER CORD?

A Finnish politician has converted his American-built El Camino to run on woodgas.

(Thanks to J<ohn Gregg)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

For example, the subject matter of the Iran-Contra affair was apparently covered in his play "The Big Bad Wolf vs. Miss Little Red Riding Hood - The Mike Tyson Story."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS WAY THEY CAN DEVOTE MORE TIME TO DONALD TRUMP

NBC has scaled back its coverage of the Royal wedding because executives think that Prince William and Kate Middleton are ‘too boring’.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Related item here.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

CSI: FARGO

Detroit Lakes man riding river in coffin cover let off with a warning

(Thanks to Diane Bursack and Ralph)

WE'RE JUST GLAD THEY DIDN'T DROP BUNNIES

'Pandemonium' for thousands who flocked to Oakleaf Easter egg drop

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert, who notes that Arthur Carlson is mentioned in the comments)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Man dressed as mannequin found in mall toilet

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU MAY THINK YOU JUST READ THIS COLUMN LAST WEEK

But that's the drugs talking.

MEDICAL NEWS FOR MALES

We believe this was discussed on Seinfeld.

MAYBE HE WANTED TAKEOUT

A 12,000-pound street sweeper plowed into a Denver restaurant early this morning, destroying the bar and pushing a wall six feet into the dining room.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

'WHAT HAPPENED IN SCHOOL TODAY, DEAR?'

"Oh, nothing."

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

OK, THEN

If you are not a particular fan of squirrels then perhaps you had better leave the page right now.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

OR, NOT

The Brazilian Bikini Wax For Men

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'REWARDED?'

Gardener Hugh Jenner, 82, was rewarded with free horse manure for a year after ­returning a ­bracelet he found in a bag from a local stable.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTEE

Dog the Bounty Hunter bails out Nicolas Cage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JAYHAWK OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Jayhawk of the Week.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

Update: For the same reason, we are inable to present the Purchase Engineer of the Week.

Update: "Inable" is the hep new way to say "unable."

FLORIDA EDUCATION UPDATE

As the bus passed, he said, about a half dozen elementary school students started screaming, with some covering their eyes. The bus driver in a rear view mirror noticed the woman's pants were down and her buttocks exposed.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLORIDA MOTORIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Cyclist says man in electric wheelchair chased her around Fort Pierce parking lot for three days

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHICH IS WHY WE NEED STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Stilettos injure more women than sports accidents

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT... WAS HE SUPPOSED TO NOT BE WEARING UNDERWEAR?

Casper man jailed after wearing underwear in public

Incredibly, etc.: When an officer asked him what drugs he had consumed, a disoriented Condelario responded, “Weed, shrooms, Ecstasy, acid,” police say.

(Thanks to cydstep)

INSTEAD OF TEXTING, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

Vancouver woman arrested in Clackamas on suspicion of taking hits from a whip cream canister while driving

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALWAYS KEEP ONE HANDY

81-year-old man clobbers robbery suspect upside the head with frying pan

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MAKE WEEWEE ALL OVER THE CABIN

Pet Airways

(Thanks to Matthew)

FLINT, MICH.

City of Romance

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

The $6,390 toilet.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)