Dave Barry's Blog

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MOBY GRAPE

Police called to investigate noise find lone jiggling vibrator

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

WE'VE KNOWN GUYS LIKE THIS

A patient who apparently ingested rodent poison and is emitting potentially harmful gasses has created a hazardous material situation at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor.

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

CSI: RANDOLPH NY, 1992

Like most people, you probably often ask yourself: "What, exactly, are my legal rights if I am wearing a bunny outfit?''

OR, IN POLICE-RADIO CODE, A 10-23

Authorities in Florida said a man told them he was struck in a bookstore parking lot for making a comment about "codpieces" to a testicle photographer.

(Thanks to NotSherly)

PROBABLY GETTING READY FOR THE DRAFT

Man Arrested In Raiders Jacket, G-String

Shocking Fact: Methamphetamines may have been involved.

...Batie was found standing in the dirt next to the cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark. Police said that Batie was wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. He was also wearing socks.

Wait... he was wearing socks? So what's the problem?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MASSACHUSETTS SOCIAL NOTE

Baby shower brawl leaves two with stab wounds

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using snakes.

(Thanks to wiredog, who notes that he is not Jeff Meyerson)

GOD HELP THEM IF THE ENEMY ACQUIRES A WEED WHACKER

The Iranian army on the march.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

We have an entirely different caliber of household pest.

(Thanks to J*** M*******, Matt Filar and The Perts)

MIAMI, SUMMARIZED

A chocolate Easter bunny. Kosher for Passover.

WHAT'S COOKING?

We don't want to know.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BUT WHAT ABOUT IN THE SPACE STATION?

Russians insist: 'We never, ever had sex in space'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND PROUD OF IT

Florida: America's Weirdest State

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MONKEES

Urban chickens get test run in Fredericton

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW CAN WE CONTRIBUTE TO THIS WOMAN'S LEGAL DEFENSE FUND?

Diner threw utensil at vulgar cellphone user, deputies say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson) (Because this was sent in by Jeff Meyerson)

JEFF MEYERSON UPDATE

At this time we have no new items submitted by Jeff Meyerson.

WE HAVE GOT TO PROVIDE BETTER TRAINING FOR OUR CRIMINALS

"OK, I will go to Citibank . . . I will rob them instead!" Harold Luken, 45, allegedly declared in the Forest Hills branch shortly before being grabbed by cops, police sources said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson) (That's Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE IS ON RED ALERT

BERLIN (Reuters) – A shootout between two German circus families competing over tent space has left six people injured, police said on Tuesday.

(Thanks to Joseph McConnell)

GOD HELP US IF IT FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS

Suspicious white substance on plane turns out to be toilet paper

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man attacks Girls Gone Wild bus in Saginaw Township when event doesn't live up to hype

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Jeff Meyerson)

LAND OF EXCITMENT

Swiss flock to watch giant stinking flower bloom

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

PERHAPS ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Billion-dollar phone bill sent to French distillery

(Thanks to The Perts)

53 PERCENT OF THE TIME WAS SPENT JUST GETTING ACROSS MANHATTAN

NYC cabbie drives 2 guys across US for $5,000

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY DO ON CHRISTMAS

New Zealanders Celebrate Easter by Shooting Bunnies

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

There was a painful conclusion to an end-of-season party when a Welsh Non-League footballer suffered severe injuries after a pool cue was rammed up his backside.

(Thanks to Catherine)

SMALL-BUSINESS PERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Fugitive Louisiana Snake Farmer Busted Again In East Texas

The snake farm was called "High End Herps Inc.," which, as the story notes, "sounds like something you would catch from a Manhattan call girl."

YOU NEED REALLY SMALL RIDERS

The Charm of Competitive Rabbit Jumping

(Thanks to Mitch)

'HELLO, STATE FARM?'

Training Missile Part Falls Off Navy Jet, Hits Pickup

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THE APOCALYPSE

It is SO here.

(Thanks to David Thielen)

CONTENT WARNING: Guys pretending to play piano but not using their hands, if you catch our drift.

INTERNATIONAL FINANCE ALERT

Termites eat millions of Indian rupees in bank

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Red-faced traffic bosses are investigating how pranksters altered a set of pedestrian lights to show a couple making love whenever they turned green.

(Thanks to Ralph)

OR YOU CAN JUST TATTOO A LARGE 'L' ON YOUR FOREHEAD

The R2 Fish School is the complete fish training kit, everything you need to teach your fish to shoot hoops, limbo dance, play fetch, kick a goal and much more.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

CLEARLY INTENDED AS A POLITICAL STATEMENT

A 42-year-old Chandler man was arrested Monday on charges of indecent exposure after police said he was seen masturbating in front of a woman wearing a Statue of Liberty costume.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, who speculates that "he was yearning to breathe free.")

INCREDIBLY, THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE SNOOKI

Authorities arrested a woman outside of the Erie County jail for flashing her breasts to an inmate being held at the facility.

(Thanks to oldfatguy and Jeff Meyerson)

FERTILITY RITE FACT OF THE DAY

Annual 'watering of the girls' goes back centuries

(Thanks to bonmot and Bob Brogan, who says, "The dawn of the wet T-shirt contest.")

TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF 'GUESS THE STATE'

Student gives teacher some of her mom's weed

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Chris Elzi)

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT UNDER ASSAULT

France's riot police have complained about being "treated like children" following a new ban on drinking alcohol while on duty.

(Thanks to Steve @ Secet Location and Chris Elzi)

AND IT REQUIRES ONLY AS MUCH ELECTRICITY AS CLEVELAND USES IN A YEAR

How a real man erases a CD.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

HEAR ME ROAR

Nathan's to Add Women-Only Division in Hot Dog-Eating Contest

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

IS 'REALITY' TELEVISION POPULAR?

Is stupidity rising?

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AFRAID OF SPIDERS?

Stay out of Sindh.

(Thanks to Lani)

AND WERE THE SOPRANOS INVOLVED?

Wet, salty cat found in NYC; did it swim from NJ?

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

(We considered a Snooki joke here, but decided we are too classy.)

WHY WE LOVE DOGS

They're vigilant.

OTHER THAN THAT, HOW WAS YOUR CRUISE?

Medics drop cruise ship passenger into North Sea

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Complaints end goldfish racing at Wash. state bar

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

DUH

3D porn film outsells Avatar

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SEND THIS PARLIAMENT TO WASHINGTON

Kyrgyz Parliament Expels 'Evil Spirits'

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Heather Mays)

AS FORETOLD IN THE BIBLE

The Zombie Bunny

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

FRENCH LABOR DISPUTE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

THE entire workforce of a British-owned factory in France is taking strike action because managers only speak English.

Disturbing Excerpt: Staff have been downing tools three times a day since the English management took over.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE, MOMMY IS PASSED OUT ON THE SOFA

In the suit, filed on Monday, California-based winery Clos Lachance Wines asked the court to declare that its "Mommyjuice" does not violate the trademark of "Mommy's Time Out," which is marketed by a New Jersey distributor.

(Thanks to Marc and Ralph)