Dave Barry's Blog

HEY, AT LEAST THEY'RE GETTING SOMETHING DONE

City Workers Make Porn Film While on the Job

(Thanks to cyberick)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A teacher in the middle of a sudden spiritual awakening celebrated his moment of Zen by stripping naked and strolling the hallways of his school in the nude, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BECAUSE THE NEXT STEP IS HEROIN

A yearlong sting operation, including aliases, a 5 a.m. surprise inspection and surreptitious purchases from an Amish farm in Pennsylvania, culminated in the federal government announcing this week that it has gone to court to stop Rainbow Acres Farm from selling its contraband to willing customers in the Washington area.

The product in question: unpasteurized milk.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Another Ralph)

WAIT... A NUDE AMBULANCE?

A man was arrested Friday morning after police said he took over an ambulance in the nude.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

WHICH MEANS IT IS SENTIENT ENOUGH TO RECEIVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Leaking Mass. house dials 911 for help

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Nikolaus Trombley, 22, reportedly told police he was drunk and looking for a place to sleep when he took the lawnmower from East Lyme High School. According to police, he then took the mower and rode it 3 miles to his parent’s house and mowed the lawn.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who says "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime, here in East Lyme.")

NEW YORK DINING NOTE

A Brooklyn seafood importer has been accused of illegally importing nearly 4,000 snakehead fish, a predatory freshwater creature known as "fishzilla" that has been outlawed in New York state since 2004.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

THIS BLOG, FOR ONE, WILL DO ALL IT CAN TO KEEP THIS VICIOUS RUMOR FROM SPREADING

REESE Witherspoon has poured scorn on rumors an elephant farted in her face while making new movie Water For Elephants.

(Thanks to Thom in Winchester)

THEY'RE SLUMMING

Evil ninjas terrorise Pittsburgh

(Thanks to Brett)

CSI: PLANT CITY

An elderly Plant City man, who slept with a gun under his pillow for protection, accidentally shot off the tip of his finger, Hillsborough Sheriff's deputies said.

(Thanks to Josh)

THE ROYAL WEDDING

Here's my analysis. Feel freed to add yours below.

THERE CAN BE NO QUESTION

Female dogs smarter than males? Maybe, study says

(Thanks to MOTW)

THE AVENGING CONSUMER

A Golden Bay fisherman whose wife became violently ill after eating a takeaway gluten-free pizza, took revenge on the shop by dumping 100 fish carcasses outside the shop.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FASHION ALERT

Douchebag Monkey beards.

(Thanks to KJP)

CAN THIS CONCEPT BE APPLIED TO JERSEY SHORE?

A New Jersey town has adopted an ordinance that regulates when chickens and roosters can hook up in backyard henhouses.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WHICH IS JUST AS WELL, SINCE HE HASN'T PRODUCED HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Superman has renounced his US citizenship.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

THAT SHOULD HELP A LOT

Lindsay Lohan Might Teach Acting Classes at Homeless Shelter

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger, who notes that "It could be a pretty short class.")

AUTHOR OF THE DAY

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from brining you the Author of the Day.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

How a comedy Hitler moustache drawn on a council election poster saw police descend on a sleepy village THREE times

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: STAFFORD

An 18-year-old man dressed up in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk around 10:35 p.m. from the Garrisonville Walmart, Stafford County Sheriff’s spokesman Bill Kennedy said.

Thanks to Horace LaBadie, VanderhogenBand, Chuck Cody and Greg Snow)

ALWAYS STOP AFTER 27 DRINKS

An attorney who specializes in drunken-driving offenses is suing a Florida strip club, claiming it got him so drunk he spent almost $19,000 on his credit card, Courthousenews.com reports.

(Thanks to Alan Glenn)

SHED-OF-THE-YEAR COMPETITION UPDATE

There's still time to enter yours.

(Thanks to

ROYAL WEDDING SOUVENIR OF THE DAY SO FAR

Classy.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

SAN FRANCISCO CIVIC UPDATE

Chicken John clarifies that puke-in won't involve real puke

(Thanks to marfie)

LOOKING FOR THE FLORIDA EXIT, NO DOUBT

Man drives car into Grand Canyon, survives

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

'WE GOT A B.L.T. WITH EXCESSIVE MAYO SOUTHBOUND ON THE INTERSTATE'

"Unit 36 responding."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PLEASE LET THIS BE OVER SOON

Man gets Will and Kate tattooed on teeth

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and bonmot, who says, "Let's hope the marriage lasts longer than the tat.")

NOTE: They're not really tattoos.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: But still.

DOES LEX LUTHOR HAVE AN ALIBI?

Plaque in Glenville honoring Superman creators stolen

(Thanks to Sean in Akron)

INCREDIBLY, DRUGS MAY HAVE BEEN ETC.

When asked why he was upset, police said Simic told them he wanted to "kick his father's ass" and he was walking on the interstate to get to Prospect, Ky. — about 10 miles away.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

Justin Bieber dental floss.

(Thanks to Michael Frixen)

DOES THIS MEAN IT'S OVER?

The royal wedding.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

 

SHE DIDN'T CRASH, SO HER FLORIDA LICENSE WAS REVOKED

99-Year-Old Nascar Fan Drives Pace Car At NH Speedway

(Thanks to Michael Frixen and Jeff Meyerson)

HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM

Man arrested for singing 'Kung Fu Fighting'

(Thanks to Lisa Gibson and Otis)

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING HE WOULD DO

TOWN CREEK, Ala. - A naked man claiming to be Jesus Christ broke into a home and took all the photos off the walls.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SCIENTISTS ARE TELLING US THIS, SO WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO OBEY

Want Better Brains? Party!

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

BUT AS IS SO OFTEN THE CASE, THE PEOPLE PICTURED ARE NOT THE ONES YOU WANT TO SEE WORKING OUT NAKED

Spanish gym offers naked workouts

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

DISCUSS AMONG YOURSELVES

'Females are failed males,' says 16th century guide book on women

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

TRAGICALLY FORTUNATELY, SNOOKI WAS NOT INVOLVED

Man accused of firing on reality TV show film crew identified

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

THIS BLOG, FOR ONE, WELCOMES OUR NEW INSECT OVERLORDS

Fire ants assemble as a 'super-organism'

This will only tick them off: To understand exactly how the structure worked, the researchers took a raft of several thousand ants and dropped it in liquid nitrogen, immediately freezing it.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

AW

Tampa police say woman tried to buy her 80-year-old father a prostitute over Easter weekend

(Thanks to Rick Day)

GOOD BOY!

Man bitten by own pitbull after urging it to attack neighbour, police say

(Thanks to Arctic Al)

NATURE: NOT AS WHOLESOME AS YOU THINK

Consider the Pigbutt Worm.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TRAGICALLY...

...the bourbon-powered car turns out to be a hoax.

(Thanks to Dan Carlson)

If you can't trust a website called "The Daily Load," what can you trust?

ART UPDATE

The face of Elvis carved into a banana.

(Thanks to queensbee)

We think it looks more like Charlie Sheen.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using peeps.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NOTHING SAYS 'I LOVE YOU' LIKE...

...jewelry shaped like a dog's nose.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AT LEAST THAT'S THEIR STORY

Elderly Delaware County Couple Receives 5-Pound Brick Of Marijuana By Mistake

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE BATHROOM

For $70,000 a night with a two-night minimum and a very strict cancellation policy, you can rent Liechtenstein.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM THE BUSH TAVERN

He came back with a rottweiler type dog and tried to set it on someone but the dog “simply sat there and defecated,” Ms Morgan said.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT

Man walks into Walgreens, urinates on cough drops

(Thanks to B'game)