Dave Barry's Blog

SO MAYBE HE'S AVAILABLE!

Staten Island man set pregnant ex-girlfriend's apartment ablaze in bizarre fecal rampage, cops allege

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, who says he saw Bizarre Fecal Rampage open for the Dead Kennedys)

WONDERING WHO IS SOUL BROTHER NUMBER ONE?

Wonder no more.

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Angry Wasps Capture Intruding Ants, Fly Away, Airdrop Them

(Thanks to wiredog)

BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A DIFFICULT SKILL TO ACQUIRE

Casino N.B. in Moncton has launched a controversial new promotion called "Slot University."

It's offering people an opportunity to learn to play slot machines for free.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DON'T STAND TOO CLOSE BEHIND HIM

The Preakness has a scary fun new mascot:

Kegasus, a "party manimal" sporting a nipple ring, body hair and beer gut, was announced by the host Maryland Jockey Club Tuesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEFINITELY TIME TO ADJOURN

House passes gas and water measure

(Thanks to Ed)

FEELING OLD?

Read about this guy.

(Thanks to Ron Gibb)

THIS TECHNIQUE SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN FIRST-AID TRAINING

A U.S. trucker was saved from choking to death on an apple by slamming into a median.

(Thanks to The Perts)

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Picture of the Day.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoover)

HO-HUM

Another brawl at Chuck E. Cheese.

(Thanks to Not my Usual Alias)

PAGING LITTLE MISS MUFFET

Spider scares family out of western Nfld. home

(Thanks to The Perts)

HEY, PEOPLE OF WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY, WHERE I WAS BORN SHORTLY AFTER THE CIVIL WAR

I'll be stomping around my old stomping grounds next week: On Tuesday I'll be in Pleasantville (where I went to high school) (but they're permitting me to return) to watch the great movie This Is Spinal Tap along with New York Times book critic Janet Maslin, after which she and I will have a discussion that may or may not have anything to do with the great movie This Is Spinal Tap. Then on Wednesday I'll be signing the just-released paperback version of I'll Mature When I'm Dead at the City Center Barnes & Noble.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are responsible for virtually all important inventions.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

BUT IT WAS AN ENERGIZED MOUSE

A Federal Way man has filed a lawsuit against the maker of Monster Energy Drinks. He claims he found a dead mouse at the bottom of his can, and he has the lab work to prove it.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A RAGING BITCH

Cops break up fight over last beer

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT UNDER ASSAULT

GRAND RAPIDS – Flying Dog Brewery, a Maryland-based craft beermaker, is suing the state Liquor Control Commission, alleging the agency is censoring its free speech by rejecting labels for the bottler's “Raging Bitch” 20th Anniversary India Pale Ale.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT MISSOURI LACKS CULTURE

This blog snorts in derision.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHAT THIS BLOG THINKS MARINE LIFE SHOULD DO

It shouild stay in the water.

(Thanks to many people)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

April 2 is International Pillow Fight Day.

(Thanks to Orly Seidman)

OR, NOT

This unassuming house in a sleepy part of Swansea is set to become a global internet sensation... for bearing a passing resemblance to Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

(Thanks to KJP)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU'LL ALSO HAVE TO SPEND MOST OF IT THERE

The Darby charges extra for drinks served 'on the rocks'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HEADSTONE OF THE DAY

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Headstone of the Day.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL SET FIRE TO THE U.S. CONSTITUTION

Leesburg Plans To Ban Jello, Pudding Wrestling

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Joe in Japan)

ADVISORY TO EVERYBODY IN GERMANY AND SURROUNDING NATIONS

Do NOT go to the bathroom.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Update: Also, New York City.

WHY WE NEED STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS ON SUPER GLUE

Shawn has superglued a miniature sequined fedora to the side of his head, and what was fashionable by night has become a living nightmare by day.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Jeff Meyerson)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

A NORTHERN Territory cattleman has shrugged off threats to prosecute him for towing his son on a waterski with a helicopter.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

Hooligans supporting Colombian top-flight club Cucuta Deportivo smuggled a dead gang member in a coffin into a match.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THERE IS NO WHOLESOME FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT ANY MORE

This blog begs to differ.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THEY ARE FRACKING FED UP

Citizens call for fracking moratorium

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING A PAPER ROUTE

The beer bike.

(Thanks to US Petanque Kingpin Philippe Boets)

ATTENTION, ANGELINA JOLIE

It's easy to make your own baby wipes

(Thanks to the Perts)

YES

"Should we change our name?" asks Analtech.

(Thanks to Jack)

BUT DID THEY ACCOUNT FOR SHRINKAGE?

A new world order.

Related item here.

(Thanks to Opinador Compulsivo)

STILL NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

The German army rocks Smoke on the Water.

(Thanks to The Perts)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

York County man put shrimp in his pants, struck security guard, police say

(Thanks to Laura)

INCREDIBLY, HE IS NOT SINGLE

2,747 toothpicks in my beard

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THESE ARE OLD

But somehow they never get old.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOT A LIGHT?

In case you didn't know, Philip Morris is test-marketing a new brand of cigarettes called "Dave's." Over the past year I've seen big billboard advertisements for "Dave's" cigarettes in Seattle and Denver. These are folksy ads; one of them features a tractor. The message is that "Dave's" is a folksy brand of cigarette, produced by a down-to-earth, tractor-driving guy named "Dave" for ordinary people who work hard and make an honest living, at least until they start coughing up big folksy chunks of trachea.

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

2,500 year-old preserved human brain discovered

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS THE STATE WHERE THIS HAPPENED

Car crashes into living room, knocks out power

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL WALK

Richard Simmons does an airline safety video.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

APPEARING SOON ON THE APPRENTICE

Poisonous Egyptian cobra escapes Bronx Zoo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Tash)

GUILTY

The Fairfax County police on Tuesday arrested a man named Kevin Lee Cokayne and charged him with dealing drugs.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FIND THAT BIRD

The man said a bird recently pooped on his head, and his friends told him it was a sign of luck coming his way.

"I thought it was a load of rubbish, but when I was in a Lotto shop I had $5 left in my wallet so thought I would buy a scratchie and test my luck.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

YOU FIRST

'Poke' your babus online

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

LADIES, WE'RE SPECULATING THAT HE JUST MIGHT BE AVAILABLE

A British man with a fetish for cow manure was beginning a two-year jail sentence Thursday after he was caught sexually pleasuring himself while covered in dung on a farm in southwestern England.

(Thanks to Marc)

WHAT DAD WANTS FOR FATHER'S DAY, INSTEAD OF COLOGNE

Dad wants this.

(Thanks to B'game)

MEH. IT'S BEEN DONE

Attempt to smuggle 40 pythons on plane foiled

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here, Ralph and Catherine)

FLORIDA LAW ENFORCEMENT UPDATE

The 69-year-old Pompano Beach man was arrested Monday for allegedly telling a motorist he was a cop and forcing the driver to pull over - with a barbecue fork.

(Thanks to cyberick)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEVER TRIED IT, EVEN WHEN OFFERED THE CHANCE AT PARTIES

A university professor says he has become addicted to doing press-ups on upturned chopping knives.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who's guessing he's single)