Dave Barry's Blog

THEY DO IN... THE TWILIGHT ZONE deedee doodoo deedee doodoo

"Dishwashers don't fly."

(Thanks to B'game)

FINALLY, A WORTHY SUCCESSOR TO THE SOPRANOS

The Unpoppables follows the quirky daredevils of New Balloon Art as they wow clients with the most innovative balloon sculptures ever. In each half-hour episode, they’ll travel to a new city, plan the week’s event and scramble to get everything done.

(Thanks to queensbee)

HANDYMAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

DORR, Mich. (WOOD) - A fireworks dealer trying to thaw frozen pipes in his home with a blow torch caused an explosion Wednesday morning.

(Thanks to Dan)

SO APPARENTLY ALCOHOL WAS NOT A FACTOR

According to a report: After midnight Sunday, Batcher, who had consumed three or four drinks but did not appear to be intoxicated, entered the men’s restroom at the Thirsty Turtle Bar, 2615 Mall Drive, removed her clothes and returned to the bar nude.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

FOR WHEN YOUR WIENERMOBILE IS IN THE SHOP

The Nutmobile.

(Thanks to Lairbo)

WINTER SPORTS UPDATE

We regret that we cannot bring you today's Winter Sports Update.

CONTENT WARNING: Bosoms.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are caregivers.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: HERMINIE

A guy walked into the store at about 3 p.m. armed with a hatchet. He wore dark cloth wrapped around his face, looking like a mummy.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

Mother Offended By Circus Act With Pimps, Strippers

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ASK MR. LANGUAGE PERSON

Dear Mr. Language Person:
Toyota has FINALLY answered the question "What is the plural of Prius?"  This of course leads to another question regarding Prii and plural drivers.  Can you tell me which of the following is correct?
1)  Sanctimonious persons prefer to drive Prii.
or
2)  Sanctimonious people prefer to drive Prii.
Thank you,
Gregg in Austin

Mr. Language Person responds: You are very welcome.

TODAY'S SCIENCE BRIEFING

This blog is far too mature to bring you Today's Science Briefing.

(Thanks to Charles Salmon)

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM

Spider venom better than Viagra?

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

POSSIBLY NOT KOSHER

UK budget airline easyJet apologized Tuesday to Jewish customers after the only food choices served on a flight from Israel were ham melts and bacon baguettes.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

IT MUST HAVE BEEN IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART, RE-SEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

An undercover TSA agent was able to get through security at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport with a handgun during testing of the enhanced-imaging body scanners, according to a high-ranking, inside source at the Transportation Security Administration.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

O.     M.     G.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE POLICE DOGS COULDN'T SMELL HIM

A Bridgeport man wanted for stuffing 58 containers of deodorant down his pants has finally been busted.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, bonmot and Mark Schlesinger)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A Naples woman was arrested Sunday after deputies say she attacked her roommate over a box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPEAKING OF CLASSY

Take the Hacienda restaurant chain. Please.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

STAY CLASSY, CHICOPEE

The fight started when the couple realized that they had no maple syrup for their pancakes.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

YES, BUT IT ALSO GAVE US THE MEAT DRESS

UZBEKISTAN'S state television issued overnight an unequivocal denunciation of rock and rap music as a Western liberal excess, saying the music was epitomized by sadism, drug addiction and immorality.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

No Trousers Day finally reaches Taiwan.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEN HOW DO WE EXPLAIN HUGH HEFNER?

103-year-old puts longevity down to remaining a virgin

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: OKLAHOMA CITY

Woman arrested after refusing to leave portable toilet

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T NAME HER 'TWEET'

To Celebrate Revolution, Egyptian Names Baby 'Facebook'

(Thanks to Pirateboy)

WILDLIFE

Busy beavers wear out welcome at Wisconsin yacht club

(Thanks to Dan)

THE OTHER 49 PERCENT SAID 'HELL YES'

Fitness magazine asked 2,400 women if they would sacrifice a full year of sex to be skinny -- and 51 percent said yes.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MAYBE THEY WERE UNDERCOVER

Drunken police officers have been filmed stripped to the waist and dancing on their patrol car - causing police bosses in Russia to launch an investigation.

(Thanks to djtonyb)

POLITICAL VISIONARY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"In Kazakhstan, there are a lot of single women, and it is a national tragedy, because we lose potential mothers," Mr Asilbek said in an interview with Adam, a local magazine. "I think polygamy would solve this problem."

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

Or we would have, if this ever happened.

A PIECE OF SOMETHING, ANYWAY

Adam Zaretsky and Tony Allard are the creators of "Mutate or Die: A W.S. Burroughs Biotechnical Bestiary," an ongoing project that basically turns a piece of Burroughs' poop into a piece of art.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM

JACKSON, Wyo. - A 78-year-old retired doctor was handcuffed and hauled away on a toboggan for skiing uphill in Wyoming, but he won't face charges.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

SOUP

Don't leave home without it.

(Thanks to Poker)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are heroic.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

 

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Rock Snot

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

NOTICE HOW THIS BLOG IS CLASSILY REFRAINING FROM MAKING A JOKE ABOUT CAMILLA

I dream of having my breakfast with a red squirrel, says Prince Charles

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Related item here.

(Thanks to funny man)

MEANWHILE IN THE WORLD OF POPULAR MUSIC

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Police say a vehicle they chased Thursday night was one of the vehicles connected to a shooting involving rap star Waka Flocka Flame.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

PALM BEACH, FL – Thousand of sharks under alien mind control have been spotted just off the coast of south Florida.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

LOOKING FOR PROOF THAT THE UNIVERSE IS RULED BY A WISE, JUST AND ALL-POWERFUL BEING?

Keep looking.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, LADIES

Mad Dog is available!

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A rocking chair.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU'RE POOPING GOLF BALLS, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BE IN A HOSPITAL

Hotel Introduces Superstrong Toilets, Able to Flush Golf Balls

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

AS IS SPECIFICALLY STATED IN THE CONSTITUTION

The plaintiff went into the restaurant to take advantage of its $28 all-you-can-eat sushi offer. But when the man began only eating the raw fish and leaving the rice behind, the restaurant's owner informed him that he'd have to eat the rice too, since sushi, by definition, always includes rice.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THERE ARE SOME THINGS THIS BLOG IS JUST NOT COMFORTABLE LINKING TO

This is one of them.

(Thanks to Annue Where-but-down-there)

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton End Their Feud

(Thanks to bonmot)

WAY BETTER THAN, FOR EXAMPLE, PROFESSIONAL BOWLING

Cat Laser Bowling

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SEND IT TO... OH, IT'S PRETTY MUCH THERE ALREADY

Annandale civic association elects dog as president

(Thanks to Clarissa French)

WE HAVE GOT TO START PROVIDING BETTER TRAINING FOR OUR CRIMINALS

Troopers Arrest Man Who Could Not Spell Own Alias

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HELL

Police Use Stun Gun To Tackle 'God'

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

FOR WHEN YOUR PERIMETER NEEDS FRESHENING

24 -- The Fragrance

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

HORN-TOOTING

If you're a fan of The Office, and have time to watch last night's episode, you might see something vaguely familiar. The first appearance is at the 6:30 mark.

Update: Actually, that appears to be the only appearance.