Dave Barry's Blog

PARTY TIME

The Rules: Preschool Edition

(We are certain this column was suggested by someone, but have no clue who it was. We will figure out someone to fire.)

IMAGINE THE GOOD THAT A LARGE ONE WOULD DO

A Small Nuclear War Would Stall Global Warming

(Thanks to jon harris)

LET THE 'SHORTLIST' JOKES BEGIN

A painting of a large penis on a bridge in Russia's second city St Petersburg has been dropped from the shortlist for an art prize, the organizers said.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

AND IF ANYBODY WOULD KNOW, LAWYERS WOULD

An Indiana man's lawsuit for injuries he suffered when a stripper's shoe flew off during a performance and hit him in the teeth isn't far-fetched, lawyers say.

(Thanks to Bernard Black)

MAYBE HE WANTS TO HOST NEXT YEAR'S OSCARS

Why Did Burma's Leader Appear on TV in Women's Clothes?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BETTER MAKE THAT RESERVATION NOW

Colon polyp will pop up in VUMC eatery March 1

(Thanks to Michael Stabin)

CSI: MANATEE COUNTY

Anything to declare?

(Thanks to The Smoking Gun, via Allen at Division)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

Goat bagpipes.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WILD 'N' CRAZY NEBRASKA

When the deputy asked what the four naked people were doing in the truck, one reportedly responded, "Well, I think we're getting in trouble."

(Thanks to WriterDude)

WE NEED 50,000 POUNDS OF COLD CUTS STAT

Part of I-44 closed because of massive mayonnaise spill

(Thanks to Fred in KC)

NAMELY, WASHINGTON

An Oregon  Congressman who shocked his staffers by sending them pictures of himself posing in a tiger costume said Saturday he is in a good place.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE A NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE

It is possible to make a snowman out of hail, said Stuart Seto, a weather specialist with the service's Oxnard office.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

SPEAKING OF THE OSCARS:

Feel free to comment on them here.

UPDATE: They sure ask some hard-hitting questions on the red carpet.

UPDATE: Here's an actual example of a red-carpet question: "When you're in the car ride over, who decides what music to listen to?"

UPDATE: Only 18 hours to go!

UPDATE: When I think Hollywood, I think JC Penney.

UPDATE: Only 19 hours to go!

UPDATE: Everybody is very thankful.

UPDATE: The "Wolfman" Achievement in Makeup guy actually looks like a wolf.

UPDATE: An Oscar shoutout to... The great state of Delaware!

UPDATE: The Knicks beat the Heat.

UPDATE: Let's bring Kirk Douglas back out.

UPDATE: Well, that certainly was two minutes and 11 seconds of pure entertainment shoehorned into just a little over three hours. Good night, everyone.

LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME I WAS AT THE OSCARS

This year I had a slightly different gig.

COME ON, PEOPLE

Vote for the Bologna Lollipop. The Meat Salad is kicking our butts.

(Thanks to Matt Filar for the reminder)

BECAUSE FLORIDA HAS SOLVED ALL OF ITS OTHER PROBLEMS

Photographing cows or other farm scenery could land you in jail under Senate bill

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'RE HAPPY FOR THEM

Mice baldness reversed

(Thanks to The Perts)

NAMELY, IN THE MEDIA HOTEL

The time has come for bartending to claim its rightful place in the Olympics.

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

CANADA

Land of Excitement

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Chuck Cody)

A LONG-OVERDUE CRACKDOWN

Minnesota Man Arrested After Caught Deep-Frying Wings While Drunk

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT UPHELD

Male exotic dancer Ed Cloyd, who goes by the stage name "Total Package" at clubs in Prince George's and Washington, D.C., will not have to wear Band-Aids over his nipples when he dances close to customers.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MAYBE IT WAS HORNY! (WE ARE A PROFESSIONAL BLOG; DO NOT TRY THESE JOKES AT HOME.)

Elephant has sex with a car

(Thanks to bonmot)

AND IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Walking cactus discovered in China

(Thanks to The Perts)

YES, THAT IS OFTEN A SIGN THAT SOMETHING MAY BE AMISS

Along Lake Susan and Chanhassen Hills drives, residents learned that something was terribly wrong in their homes Wednesday night when a geyser of sewage began spewing from toilets on the lower levels.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, who saw Geyser of Sewage open for Motorhead)

AS IS TRUE OF SO MANY OF THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS

GAHANNA, Ohio — Gahanna police were investigating a suspected case of road rage on Thursday that was allegedly caused by McDonald's chicken nuggets.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY'RE ALSO AN EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Dark testicles might protect birds from mutation

(Thanks to jon harris and RussellMc)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man accused of drunkenly urinating on chicken at Arkansas grocery store

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MONKEES

Time-Traveling Chimps.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

UNATARO, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

NAGASAKI -- An old giant eel that inhabited a well here and was loved by local residents died on Feb. 24.

(Thanks to John Grant)

SEND THESE PUBLIC SERVANTS TO WASHINGTON

The Department of Education has reportedly banned Zumba classes after public servants doing the dance exercise made their Civic office block shake so badly engineers were called to investigate.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IF THAT DOESN'T BRING OUT THE CROWDS, THIS BLOG DOESN'T KNOW WHAT WILL

The West Michigan Whitecaps baseball team is allowing Web site visitors to vote on potential ballpark menu items including bologna lollipops.

You can vote here. This blog is urging everyone to get aboard the bologna lollipop juggernaut.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CSI: SCOTLAND

Call 999... Someone farted on my dog

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

MSU police on trail of anteater thief

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

SORT OF LIKE GRAFFITI

Today in Washington, D.C., I visited the Newseum,  where something I wrote is on the wall.

I managed to get out before they caught me.

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

Judge strips taco-eating Texas beauty queen of crown

(Thanks to Gregg in Austin)

HEY, A DUDE NEEDS ROUGHAGE

One ton of marijuana found on lettuce truck

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN HOCKEY

The coach was so mad he took off his clothes in the third period of the Eagles 5-1 win on Saturday.

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles and Mark Schlesinger)

WE'LL JUST HAVE COFFEE, THANKS

'Baby Gaga' breast milk ice-cream goes on sale

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHO KNOWS WHAT HAVOC IT COULD HAVE WREAKED

Armed police called as cut-out of armed Pierce Brosnan is spotted

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS IS ALSO BELIEVED TO BE TRUE OF THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE

Sexy monkeys wash with own urine

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

NEW JERSEY: STATE OF ROMANCE

TRENTON -- A city man accused of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend, punching her in the head and threatening to kill her with a screwdriver told a judge yesterday that it was all just a prelude to a marriage proposal.

(Thanks to Sharon Chapman)

ANOTHER FLORIDA LICENSE WILL BE DELIVERED, VIA TIME MACHINE, TO THIS INDIVIDUAL

Man Stops Car in Road, Tells Police He's From 33 A.D.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

She said the man turned toward her and extended his middle finger just before crashing into the living room of Melvina Sheffield.

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

NY burglar swipes toilet

(Thanks to Ralph)

VODKA WILL CONTINUE TO BE CLASSIFIED AS GATORADE

Beer to be classified as alcohol for first time in Russia

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

HE WAS ALSO WEARING A REGULATION APRON

The 69-year-old Pompano Beach man was arrested Monday for allegedly telling a motorist he was a cop and forcing the driver to pull over - with a barbecue fork.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: LAND OF ENTERTAINMENT

The Rotisserie Channel will feature two rows of chickens roasting in an open-flame oven.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU

What Happens When You Stick Your Head Into a Particle Accelerator

(Thanks to Becky Roser)

TIMBERRRR

Cops: Shoplifter Stuffed a Chainsaw Down His Pants

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and ScottMGS)

IT'S ALWAYS IN THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Brazil firefighters find alligator behind couch

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)