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January 10, 2011


...Miss America
There she is, your ideal
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic City
Oh she may turn out to be
The queen of femininity
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties
She'll take the town by storm
With her all-American face and form
And there she is
Walking on air she is
Fairest of the fair she is
Miss America

(by Bernie Wayne)


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scuse me while i barf from those lyrics.

This article is hilarious as usual. I wonder if Dave received any letters from angry beauty contestants after this was published.

Chuckles and snorks all around.

Yes, but can they find The Iraq?

That was supposed to link.

Awesome column.


i was curious.

I was curious too, Judi. What's with her dark eyebrows? I wonder if Dave and the other reporters noticed that? Probably not.

Not only that nc......nowadays, her eyebrows would be halfway up her forehead.

since when do guys care if the carpet matches the drapes?

since when are eyebrows the carpet?

After all the subliminal poking and prodding, I'm surprised they can still walk the runway. I'd have verbally shredded a judge or two by then.

Judge: How do you feel about capital punishment?
(subtext - "Hey, girl - I'm staring at your boobs while I decide whether or not you go home a loser.")

Me: Punishment should only be capitalized when it's at the beginning of a sentence.
(subtext - "when you walk to your car tonight, better bring a bodyguard. Or I will roll your gonads on the craps table.")

Annie Where-but-here....Miss Congeniality !

Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Imagine, 17 years later, how many of these contestants went on to careers in astrophysics, humor column writing, and Botox/implant sales.

Annie, that's why you're cool, and beauty pageant contestants are creepy. Who wants to talk to someone who doesn't know the concept of sarcasm.

Huh, where did the sickle in that question mark run off to?

And we understand that last week Brett Favre texted every one of these beauties, plus also Liza Minnelli. The local Holiday Inn is way overbooked.

For the talent portion of the contest, I sure wish one of them would try stand-up comedy.

They'd either rock the house or make for a painful yet memorable crash & burn.

For the talent portion of the contest I would like to see one of them try to write a book. Or at least read one without moving their lips.

*snork* at MOTW's Miss Rhode Island

Judi's link - a little scary.

Standup would be awesome. Other ideas to "enliven" the contest might be breakdancing, beat poetry, or belching the alphabet while standing on one foot.

I think my favorite line was A girl can win individual scholarships in each of these events, which means even if she doesn't win the overall title she can still further her education, assuming she finds a college that will accept an Evening Gown scholarship.

Q. Why can't Americans find things on maps?

A1. They weren't taught
A2. They weren't paying attention when they were taught
A3. They prefer to be ignorant

pogo, I saw something on TV the other night about things that are now obsolete. The paper map was on that list. You forgot: A4. Montpelier.

Some people still get it, pogo. My 13-year-old son just won the first 2 rounds of his school's geography bee. That said, it still petrifies me to think of him driving anywhere. I could see him extolling the virtues of a particular route on a map, and as a result, smack into a tree.

I would personally like to thank everyone for keeping me sane today. We have over 6" of snow on the ground, the roads are a mess, and NOW we have ice falling on top of the snow. Everybody better be funny tomorrow. I'm getting cabin fever.

Poor Cindy. Maybe you should buy your car some ice skates. Sounds like it could come in handy.

Pogo, I have to admit, though I not bad at directions/driving with a map, I cringe when someone asks me to point out anything on a map. I'm not unintelligent, but if I can't laugh at it or cipher it, I'm not likely to remember it. Maybe if we gave everyplace funny names...


I never really got what was so hard about reading maps or following directions. Unfortunately for me, my wife doesn't drive and is directionally challenged. (This is not an insult, just the facts.) In addition, she is hopeless with maps so is not a lot of help in that way.

for cindy (& anyone else snowed in without beer):
NY's 'sNOw response'....

I saw that, sandy, and it was fairly on target. There are still piles of snow blocking parking spots all over Brooklyn (at least) more than two weeks since the blizzard and yet yesterday they resumed alternate side parking regulations. Gotta keep the tickets revenue coming in, I guess. I really think Bloomberg is clueless about what is going on outside Manhattan, where streets are certainly a lot better plowed than here in the outer boroughs.

And now they're predicting another 8-12 inches of the stuff by tomorrow.

Thanks for that, sandy.

I'm sure Mayor Mikey has obtained the neck measurements of every official responsible for street snow removal and public transit operability.

If they blow it again, though, it's not just the hacks and flunkies that will be fitted with new neckties.

Oh, yeah - hilarious column about this sad beauty contest noble Scholarship Competition by Dave!

Those 'Atlantic City' bimbos were Brilliant compared to what's gracing the 'Jersey Shore' today...

^ change that to DISgracing

Here's what's different about the Jersey Shore morons, though: they are deliberately selected for their advanced moronship, in order to be displayed as ultimate morons, for viewers to gawk at their amped-up moronic behavior and say "Man, what morons!". They (the cast, MTV, the media) all cynically know how purposefully moronic the whole setup is, and are just riding the cash wave for as long as it will carry them.

The Miss America pageant, on the other hand, was/is a more straightforward and simple, if still exploitative, way to wrap T&A in a veil of respectability and sell it for cash. I doubt the contestants were/are anywhere near as cynical as the JS crew, although the pageant operators undoubtedly are.

Still stuck in Atlanta - unfortunately due to the advances provided by the internet, I can work from home.

Back to geography: I knew we were doomed when I said something about Washington State versus Washington DC to a teenage stepson, and he responded, "It's the same place, isn't it?"

After 20 years of Iraq being a focus of the news, many people can't find it on a map.

*raises coffee cup in salute to MtB and respectable T&A*

pogo, I bet 90% don't realize Iraq and Iran are not the same place.

*crowns snooki as disrespectable queen of hacks & flunkies*

Some people, sadly, couldn't figure out where Northern Ireland is on a map even if you showed them where Ireland is.

*clinks pogo's coffee mug*

And the South Africa and such like . . .

*SNORK* @ the bunch of you (and pats on the heads for those in the snow). I consider myself rather intelligent (STOP LAUGHING, ALL OF YOU!), but when it comes to finding a place while driving, I have to leave an hour earlier because I know I'll get lost. Thank GOD for GPS systems. And it's still snowing here in Indy... about 8" at my house. I measured when I went out to feed the squirrels.

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