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January 31, 2011

YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

It's my own darned fault that I need to speak to Customer Service. We made a really stupid homeowner mistake: We moved to another house. Don't ever make this mistake! It's ALWAYS better to stay in your current house, even if it's actively on fire.

(This vintage column was suggested by nursecindy)

INCREDIBLY, THIS HEADLINE IS NOT FROM THE ONION

Drunk driver excited to see breath test score

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SHREWD

Drinker banned from bar for stealing condom machine

Miklos Antal told police he had ‘met a hot girl at the bar and needed condoms for later’ and was also low on cash.

‘So I thought I’d solve both my problems at once.’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

An immigration officer was so sick of his wife that he put her on a terrorist watch list - ­so she couldn't get home from Pakistan.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALASKA SOCIAL NOTE

A birthday party in Nenana turned ugly late Saturday after two sisters began fighting, one fled to the bathroom, and the other then shot through the bathroom door, Alaska State Troopers said.

Once again, incredibly, alcohol seems to have been involved.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

AND PEOPLE SAY THERE ARE NO BENEFITS TO HEAVY DRINKING

A drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear survived because of the amount of alcohol in his blood.

Key Caveat: They believe alcohol in his blood acted like anti-freeze - on the other hand it may have played a part in him ending up on a frozen park bench in his underpants.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and RussellMc)

THIS JUST IN

'The Beaver' Copy Stolen From Mel Gibson

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T FLY THE PLANES

Manchester airport introduces hologram staff

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THE MIAMI MYSTERY SANDBAR PIANO

We hardly knew ye.

MAYBE HE WAS LONELY

A Florida man was arrested after he allegedly purchased 500 illegal cockroaches through the Internet, officials said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE TRUST YOU WILL DO YOUR PART

January 31st is National Gorilla Suit Day

(Thanks to jon harris)

UNLIKE, SAY, THE ROYAL FAMILY

Critics have dismissed the novelty condoms as "tasteless".

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THEM TO ETC.

Lakeland calls in chicken chaser team to rid the city of feral fowls

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MAYBE SEATTLE TAXPAYERS WILL HELP PAY FOR THEIR NEW STADIUM

Marlins will be home team at Seattle

(Thanks to Herman Grunwald)

 

January 30, 2011

THERE GOES HARVARD

Three-year-old suspended from Arlington preschool for too many potty accidents

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

WHO SAYS RETAIL IS BORING?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Gregg Geil and John Gregg)

WHO DOESN'T?

Maddy wants a Dabangg with Sallu

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ON HIS WAY TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

Motorist pictured hooked up to IV

Iv_driver_quirky_china_news
(Thanks to Ralph)

WE DON'T CARE!

Why ARE women's breasts getting bigger?

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Man stabbed with knife, robbed at gunpoint, locked in taxi boot, and bitten by two snakes at same time struck by lightning while on phone

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING

The Stamford  Advocate reported that two women were hit in their heads with snow shovels when the two and their children got into a shouting match over where to place snow blocking their cars.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BANDIT RUBIO IS ACTUALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE

Chihuahua named Bandit Rubio wins pet look-a-like contest dressed as Donald Trump

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SUAVE

Police: Suspect in attacks put face in women's buttocks

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

SPORTS UPDATE

Hooker overcomes illness, slaps Beaver 64-57

(Thanks to Ralph)

WOOF

Woman returned rescue dog 'because it clashed with curtains'

(Thanks to Ralph)

January 28, 2011

AND IF YOU PASS GAS WHILE TELLING A FORTUNE, YOU GET THE DEATH PENALTY

Malawi bill seeks to punish public farting and fortune tellers

(Thanks to Wayne Wood)

IF THE KID DOESN'T BITE THE HEAD OFF A BAT, WE'RE NOT WATCHING

Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber are making a Super Bowl commercial.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHY ARE THE DOGS ACTING SO WEIRD?

Lady Gaga has a new perfume.

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)

TIME TO SEND IN THE TROOPS

Breast-Feeding Canadian Moms Create Flash Mob at Mall

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

JERSEY BOY

North Hunterdon High teen breaks up mid-terms with disgusting smell

(Thanks to Barbara A.)

FIRST THE DALLAS STRIPPER SHORTAGE, AND NOW THIS

Will there be a chocolate drought? World’s supply of sustainable cocoa could run out by 2014

(Thanks to Siouxie, who remarks, quote, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." Also Mark Schlesinger.)

SOLITARY, WE HOPE

Floor pooper sentenced to jail

(Thanks to Poker)

BUT WE ALREADY HAVE THE TSA!

CSU Gets Grant For Bomb-Detecting Vegetation

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)

WHERE THE HELL IS FEMA?

Dallas facing a serious stripper shortage

(Thanks to Kibby F5)

BEAUTY UPDATE

The therapy where customers’ dead skin is nibbled off their feet by garra rufa fish has raised concerns that the fish would have to be starved to behave in this way.

Key Name of Fish Store That We Are Not Making Fun Of: Maidenhead Aquatics

(Thanks to trustf8)

 

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR FLYING PIGS

Baseball Player Quits, Says "I Don't Deserve $12M"

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ROMANTIC

An Italian woman has asked for a separation after her husband brought his mother with them on honeymoon.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE BEARS WOULD BE LIKE, 'WHOA, DUDE, TRY THIS'

A convicted killer who escaped from an Arizona prison says his plan was to overdose on heroin at Yellowstone National Park and let bears eat him.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

TEHAMA COUNTY SOCIAL NOTE

RED BLUFF BULL & GELDING SALE: Calf dressing to debut Saturday night

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF BURRRPPPP

The United States of Beer

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

DOG BREED OF THE WEEK SO FAR

We just call it "Spot."

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man Tries to Remove Insect From Ear With Vacuum

(Thanks to kibby F5)

BUT YOU KNOW THEY WERE EGGED ON BY THE SQUIRRELS

Vacaville roof collapse blamed on bird droppings

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and queensbee)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Furious driver who failed to remove wheel clamp with axe set fire to his car, court told

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THE SOUTH FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET

It is definitely interacting with the mystery sandbar piano.

Key New Player: A day trader who is also the bass player in a Police tribute band.

January 27, 2011

PUTTING THE 'P' IN PhD

Professor charged with peeing on colleague's door

(Thanks to  Jay Brandes)

ALSO: POPE IS CATHOLIC

Study: Male Viewers Find Sexy News Anchors Distracting

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

The Indian army shows what it is capable of.

Image-173737-panoV9free-vvbj
(Thanks to Mitch)

DATE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A motorist sped for several blocks of South Beretania Street yesterday morning with her ex-boyfriend on top of her car before crashing into the side of a building.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

 
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