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January 31, 2011
INCREDIBLY, THIS HEADLINE IS NOT FROM THE ONION
Drunk driver excited to see breath test score
(Thanks to Claire Martin)
SHREWD
Drinker banned from bar for stealing condom machine
Miklos Antal told police he had ‘met a hot girl at the bar and needed condoms for later’ and was also low on cash.
‘So I thought I’d solve both my problems at once.’
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA
ALASKA SOCIAL NOTE
Once again, incredibly, alcohol seems to have been involved.
(Thanks to Mark Buckley)
AND PEOPLE SAY THERE ARE NO BENEFITS TO HEAVY DRINKING
Key Caveat: They believe alcohol in his blood acted like anti-freeze - on the other hand it may have played a part in him ending up on a frozen park bench in his underpants.
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and RussellMc)
THIS JUST IN
'The Beaver' Copy Stolen From Mel Gibson
(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)
AS LONG AS THEY DON'T FLY THE PLANES
Manchester airport introduces hologram staff
(Thanks to Janice Gelb)
THE MIAMI MYSTERY SANDBAR PIANO
MAYBE HE WAS LONELY
WE TRUST YOU WILL DO YOUR PART
January 31st is National Gorilla Suit Day
(Thanks to jon harris)
UNLIKE, SAY, THE ROYAL FAMILY
Critics have dismissed the novelty condoms as "tasteless".
(Thanks to Ralph)
SEND THEM TO ETC.
Lakeland calls in chicken chaser team to rid the city of feral fowls
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
MAYBE SEATTLE TAXPAYERS WILL HELP PAY FOR THEIR NEW STADIUM
January 30, 2011
THERE GOES HARVARD
Three-year-old suspended from Arlington preschool for too many potty accidents
(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)
WHO SAYS RETAIL IS BORING?
(Thanks to Gregg Geil and John Gregg)
WHO DOESN'T?
Maddy wants a Dabangg with Sallu
(Thanks to Joe in Japan)
ON HIS WAY TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT
WE DON'T CARE!
Why ARE women's breasts getting bigger?
(Thanks to Greg Snow)
SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON
WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING
BANDIT RUBIO IS ACTUALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE
Chihuahua named Bandit Rubio wins pet look-a-like contest dressed as Donald Trump
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
SUAVE
Police: Suspect in attacks put face in women's buttocks
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)
SPORTS UPDATE
Hooker overcomes illness, slaps Beaver 64-57
(Thanks to Ralph)
WOOF
Woman returned rescue dog 'because it clashed with curtains'
(Thanks to Ralph)
January 28, 2011
AND IF YOU PASS GAS WHILE TELLING A FORTUNE, YOU GET THE DEATH PENALTY
Malawi bill seeks to punish public farting and fortune tellers
(Thanks to Wayne Wood)
IF THE KID DOESN'T BITE THE HEAD OFF A BAT, WE'RE NOT WATCHING
Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber are making a Super Bowl commercial.
(Thanks to Chuck Cody)
WHY ARE THE DOGS ACTING SO WEIRD?
(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)
TIME TO SEND IN THE TROOPS
Breast-Feeding Canadian Moms Create Flash Mob at Mall
(Thanks to Chuck Cody)
JERSEY BOY
North Hunterdon High teen breaks up mid-terms with disgusting smell
(Thanks to Barbara A.)
FIRST THE DALLAS STRIPPER SHORTAGE, AND NOW THIS
Will there be a chocolate drought? World’s supply of sustainable cocoa could run out by 2014
(Thanks to Siouxie, who remarks, quote, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." Also Mark Schlesinger.)
SOLITARY, WE HOPE
Floor pooper sentenced to jail
(Thanks to Poker)
BUT WE ALREADY HAVE THE TSA!
CSU Gets Grant For Bomb-Detecting Vegetation
(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)
WHERE THE HELL IS FEMA?
Dallas facing a serious stripper shortage
(Thanks to Kibby F5)
BEAUTY UPDATE
Key Name of Fish Store That We Are Not Making Fun Of: Maidenhead Aquatics
(Thanks to trustf8)
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR FLYING PIGS
Baseball Player Quits, Says "I Don't Deserve $12M"
(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)
MEN:
Do not click here.
(Thanks to Joe in Japan)
ROMANTIC
THE BEARS WOULD BE LIKE, 'WHOA, DUDE, TRY THIS'
TEHAMA COUNTY SOCIAL NOTE
RED BLUFF BULL & GELDING SALE: Calf dressing to debut Saturday night
(Thanks to Another Ralph)
MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF BURRRPPPP
(Thanks to Justin Barber)
DOG BREED OF THE WEEK SO FAR
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)
GUYS IN ACTION
Man Tries to Remove Insect From Ear With Vacuum
(Thanks to kibby F5)
BUT YOU KNOW THEY WERE EGGED ON BY THE SQUIRRELS
Vacaville roof collapse blamed on bird droppings
(Thanks to Chuck Cody and queensbee)
INCREDIBLY, ETC.
Furious driver who failed to remove wheel clamp with axe set fire to his car, court told
(Thanks to Chuck Cody)
THE SOUTH FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET
It is definitely interacting with the mystery sandbar piano.
Key New Player: A day trader who is also the bass player in a Police tribute band.
January 27, 2011
PUTTING THE 'P' IN PhD
Professor charged with peeing on colleague's door
(Thanks to Jay Brandes)
ALSO: POPE IS CATHOLIC
Study: Male Viewers Find Sexy News Anchors Distracting
(Thanks to Kendall Avery)