Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION: GUYS

It's almost time to start your Christmas shopping.

A CHRISTMAS BI'RES

"It's like an opera," says Christopher O. Kidder, the director and co-writer. "You know what's happening because you already know the story."

(Thanks to Scott GrantSmith and The Perts)

HOLIDAY ADVISORY

This blog will be on vacation for the next week in a secret undisclosed remote location where they have very little Internet, and what Internet they do have they keep in a box and bring out only for special occasions. So blogging will be semi-nonexistent for a while. Have yourelves a merry little Christmas, and stay warm out there.

ALSO THEY WERE USING DECAF

Police in Chiba Prefecture arrested three men this month on suspicion of violating Japan’s Medical Practitioners Law by providing coffee enemas without the proper medical qualifications, according to local media reports.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WELL THIS IS REASSURING

Man boards plane at IAH with loaded gun in carry-on

He must have had a sharp groin.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NOTHING THAT A FEW YEARS IN THE GULAG WON'T FIX

Putin: I love my puppy, but he leaves huge puddles

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ATTENTION, NOBEL COMMITTEE

A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt -- by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk.

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING

More people going nude

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CSI: BILLINGS

BILLINGS, Mont. — Billings police say a man accused of sticking a pistol in his girlfriend’s mouth accidentally shot himself in the buttocks after he shoved the gun down the back of his pants.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

When the male student was asked if he knew the tree was 30 feet tall, he told an officer he was going to cut it down and then cut off the top to use as a Christmas tree, according to a police report.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE HAD BETTER HOPE THAT CATS DO NOT DEVELOP NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Because if they do, humanity is doomed.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, TSA:

Monkeys take up residence near airport

(Thanks to Ralph)

POSSIBLY EVEN MORE GLAMOROUS THAN MISS BARBIE VENZUELA

Nearly 20,000 camels from the UAE and other Gulf Arab countries have converged on Abu Dhabi’s western region for one of the world’s biggest camel beauty contests involving prizes worth nearly Dh35 million ($9.5 million).

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE SAW MEERKAT ABDUCTION OPEN FOR CHITLIN STINK

Meerkat abduction lands two teen boys in hot water

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

The Miss Barbie Venezuela 2010 Beauty Pageant.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THINGS MOVE FAST THESE DAYS

Shoppers stunned as Easter candy shows up in stores

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)

SPORTS BULLETIN FROM DOWN UNDER

This just in.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AFTER GUYS SPENT DECADES LEARNING TO REMOVE THE OLD KIND

A BRITISH department store unveiled a hi-tech line of lingerie today that stays on thanks to magnets.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CABINET MINISTER OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Cabinet Minister of the Week.

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

SEND THEM BOTH TO WASHINGTON

Angry woman releases possum outside Houston City Hall

(Thanks to Rita June Goff)

(OFF-) BROADWAY BOUND

Peter and the Starcatchers, the first book Ridley Pearson and I wrote in our Starcatchers series, has been adapted by Rick Elice (he wrote Jersey Boys) as a play, which will be performed at the New York Theatre Workshop starting March 9. The play name has been modified slightly to Peter and the Starcatcher, apparently to avoid the steep New York City tax on plurals. Ridley and I saw the play in workshop form out in La Jolla, California, and we loved it. From time to time I'll post updates about it here; there's also (it goes without saying) a Facebook page.

HEY, IT'S FRIDAY

(Thanks to Mr. Josh Kelly)

WHY DEPARTMENT STORES SHOULD NOT ALLOW DISGRUNTLED EX-EMPLOYEES TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE SWITCHES THAT CONTROL THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Caution: Bad Word.

(Thanks to Justin Barber and Chuck Cody)

MINNESOTA NICE

JANESVILLE, Minn. — A 26-year-old man thought he was doing a good deed when he gave a 70-year-old woman a ride to a Minnesota bank.

But police say the woman robbed the bank, and the man was her unsuspecting getaway driver.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

THE NAKED AND THE DEAD

Cops: Man Strips Naked in Cemetery to Photograph Spirits

(Thanks to nursecindy)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Authorities in Alabama said money seen flying from the windows of a vehicle led to the arrests of five men accused of bank robbery.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Police: Woman ripped off in-law's nipple

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SIGNS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE, NO. 2,038

Sheldon Gonzales said he was asleep on his couch Tuesday night when he was suddenly "awakened by a burning sensation in the crotch of his pants," according to a report from the Broward Sheriff's Office.

(Thanks to Suzie W. Wacvet)

A BLOW AGAINST CREEPING FASCISM

Judge gives OK to toilet planters

(Thanks to Ralph and Suzie Q. Wacvet)

ATTENTION, YOUNG MEN WHO FOR FASHION REASONS WEAR THEIR PANTS AROUND THEIR KNEES AND THEREFORE HAVE TROUBLE KEEPING THEM ON:

Help has arrived.

Key Quote: "Sagging is a huge issue in my community."

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TO SUMMARIZE: THEY'RE SLUTS

Female Squirrels' Promiscuity Explained

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

THEY HAVE THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Danish politician calls for topless women to scare away immigrants

(Thanks to Rick and Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, DAIRY INDUSTRY:

HOW MARIAH CAREY MAKES GOATS PRODUCE MORE MILK

(Thanks to Renaldo)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO BE INVOLVED

Downhill pub-table racing.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SOCIALIST TORTILLAS

Cross-eyed Possum.

(Thanks to Guin)

A GIANT LEAP FOR GUYKIND

SEGA's New Urinal-Based Gaming Interface Lets You Pee for Points

(Thanks to Greg Snow and Mark Amundsen)

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Police: Fried chicken, crowbar fly in beef between Akron brothers that was ignited by mom's bite of poultry

Key Excerpts:

Tony Morris reportedly admitted tossing the chicken, saying he was angry because he believed his brother took a bite of the chicken and placed it back in a frying pan.

According to reports, Tony Morris then grabbed a crowbar and charged after brother.

Thomas Morris ran outside, but slipped on the icy porch. He was then struck several times in the head and suffered a 3-inch laceration to his forehead. Eventually, he ran to a neighbor's home and grabbed a snow shovel, prompting Tony Morris to flee.

The mother, 57, who admitted she ate the chicken, called 911.

(Thanks to queensbee)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING UNDERSTATEMENT

You're talking Kardashians.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GRANDMOTHERS

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Libby Tidwell)

SALES PROMOTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The Flint Journal reports the unidentified victim told police he was standing outside the store about 9 p.m. Monday when he heard a gunshot and felt a pain in his leg. The man, allegedly shot by a store clerk, then asked the clerk why he shot him but did not get a response.

The victim then entered the store and bought beer.

(Thanks to Alan Glenn)

ATTENTION, HOLIDAY BARGAIN-HUNTERS

Here you go.

(Thanks to Debby)

RELIGION UPDATE

Church officials in Sweden are pondering what to do about a Stockholm-area pastor who allegedly put photos of himself wearing a porn-themed T-shirt on Facebook.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IRAN IS ALSO WORKING ON THIS

19 Pakistani girls stuffed themselves into a Smart Car over the weekend with all the doors  and windows  closed for ten seconds ("NOBODY FART!") to beat a group of Australians' previous record of 18 girls.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NEITHER DID JABBA THE HUTT

Princess Leia Wore No Bra

(Thanks to The Perts)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

A knife-wielding man commandeered a Mr Whippy van and hurled ice creams at passersby, a court has been told.

(Thanks to Bill Moore and Ralph)

CSI: RIVIERA BEACH

Cops in Riviera Beach say Louis Lorensen loaded a supermarket's motorized shopping cart with meat on Dec. 12, then ran over a 4-year-old child while attempting to make a low-speed getaway.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SOLUTION: REMOVE IT

Underwear that doesn't fit can ruin a woman's day.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

Some sharks can become invisible, study says

(Thanks to bonmot)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

The good news is, the world will not end in 2012.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's cold.

(Thanks to bonmot)