Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU CRAZY PEOPLE

Please celebrate responsibly.

OSCEOLA COUNTY SOCIAL NOTE

A fight over who gets to drink the "good beer" led to the arrest of a former Ku Klux Klan leader and his son in rural east Osceola County, the Sheriff's Office said.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT IS KNOWN TO DRIVE MEN WILD

Flier Blames Tabasco Spill For Lewd Act

(Thanks to Alan Glenn and Mike Ricciardi)

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

To those who've been asking when it'll run: Sunday.

GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE WAS ALSO A FACTOR

Solon police say after 33-year-old William Liston, of Aurora, was arrested for operating a vehicle under the influence, he told the officer quote, "Ozzy Osbourne and his music made me do it."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Mark Schlesinger and padraig)

TOY OF THE YEAR SO FAR

This Product is Not Intended for Children Under 12 Years Old

SOMETHING YOU WOULD NEVER IN 19 TRILLION YEARS FIND WOMEN DOING

This.

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

SEND SNOOKI UP THERE

Organizers cancel "Fargo Snow Bash 2010" planned for New Year's Eve due to weather

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Officials in DeLand, Fla., said they spent $11,000 of municipal funds on an electric shock system to keep vultures off the roof of City Hall.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLATHEAD POLICE BLOTTER

10:30 a.m. The unfortunate manager of a laundry mat on Highway 2 East discovered excrement inside the dryers, waste baskets and other areas of the building.

(Thanks to Sue Jenkins, who says: "laundry mat?")

JUNIOR WOMEN'S FIELD HOCKEY UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Junior Women's Field Hockey update.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

TOTAL SOCIETAL BREAKDOWN REACHES LAFAYETTE, INDIANA

Obscene snow sculptures.

WARNING: Images of obscene snow sculptures that have been electronically blurred to protect their identity so they basically look like random white blobs.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Janice Gelb)

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS

Burglar steals licorice from Annapolis Middle School

(Thanks to qsman)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

New Year's Eve ball drop for Snooki changes venue

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-Seaside-Heights-NJ)

CSI: LOUISVILLE

Stripper charged with torching rivals' underwear

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT SHE COULD DO WITH THAT ON AN AIRPLANE

As she tried to board a flight -- fully clothed-- for the first time since the earlier incident, the TSA informed her they had found an "unusual contour" around her buttocks which they couldn't explain.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A north suburban woman accused of threatening an officer with a sex toy is behind bars after being arrested Tuesday afternoon for failing to appear in court.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

 

HEARTWARMING HOLIDAY STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Southern Ill. girl, 12, gets new computer, finds porn

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS JUST IN

The Phalluses of Bhutan

CAUTION: Phalluses.

(Thanks to Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr)

 

ACADEMICIANS IN THE NEWS

Unfortunately, our strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from presenting today's edition of Academicians in the News.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

ODDLY ENOUGH, HOT CAKES THEMSELVES SELL POORLY

Skinny jeans, adult films, human excrement sell 'like hot cakes' in North Korea

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ALSO: BEARS POOP IN WOODS

Florida tops odd news in 2010

(Thanks to many people)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

(Thanks to Bryan Miller)

FORTUNATELY, HE HAD A PERMIT

Man Shoots, Kills 'Chupacabra' in Ky

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SHE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Shoplifter conceals shoes under breasts

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

HARD TO SEE WHERE THIS PLAN WENT WRONG

Prosecutors in Washington state say a man was arrested when he was caught wheeling a 50-inch television in a shopping cart right past a police station.Prosecutors in Washington state say a man was arrested when he was caught wheeling a 50-inch television in a shopping cart right past a police station.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

More Canadian bar owners may soon be giving slightly smaller liquor shots to customers because of a costly discrepancy between Canadian and U.S. systems of measurement.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM DOWN UNDER

A woman jumped into a cab in Darwin, Australia, suggested to the driver that they have sex and when he declined, started kicking the car and then threw a bottle though the rear window, the Northern Territory News reported.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

NYC sanitation workers destroy a Ford Explorer

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Belated Bad Language Advisory: The language is not good.

THE OTHER BLOOD VESSELS WON'T LET IT PLAY IN ANY BLOOD-VESSEL GAMES

Blood vessel looks like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Now you can return gifts before you get them.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

WHERE DOES HE THINK REINDEER COME FROM?

A 65-year-old Florida man called Florida cops on Christmas Eve to report that an unknown perpetrator had repositioned plastic lawn reindeer so that the holiday decorations appeared in a “compromising position, because one was male and the other female.”

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

JUSTICE

Court rules teen's sock fire not arson

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HOLIDAY UPDATE

These have to be the worst ski conditions ever.

AFTER-CHRISTMAS SALES

Think we can get one of these for The Blog?

(Thanks to everyone in the universe)

UPDATE 

TRUE LIFE ADVENTURES

This week's episode: Zippy and Earnest Get Operated On

(Requested by Sharon Chapman)

A 24 CHRISTMAS

(Thanks to Loudmouth and Scott MGS)

STRAPPED FOR CASH?

Option 1: Attempt robbery with your iPhone. 
Option 2:... Anyone?

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

HEY, ALL YOU CRAZY GUYS 'N' GALS:

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY NEW YEAR...

...and don't forget to rock.

(Thanks to the s.b.'s friend and musical muse Susan M.)

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

SANTA'S reindeer will be flying higher than ever this Christmas - after munching magic mushrooms. Scientists have found that the animals regularly eat the mind-bending fly agaric fungi in the wild.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Jeff Meyerson)

YUM

How men celebrate Christmas

(Thanks to Loudmouth and debby)

FREEMONT*, WHERE ARE YOU?

Woman's toes eaten by animals

(Thanks to Rebecca L.)

(*)

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CL...WHOA

 
Feliz Naviwhat?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

UPDATE: Speaking of malls...

(Requested by nursecindy)

SPORTING NEWS

Sam Koch wins Ravens' cornhole championship

(Thanks to John H.)

CSI: NEW BUFFALO TOWNSHIP

Police said alcohol apparently played a big role.

(Thanks to John Oliphant)

BAH

And let us not forget, at this special time of year, humbug.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

CSI: BALTIMORE

Good Samaritans Face Fine After Rescuing Deer From Icy Water

p.s. Bah, humbug.

(Thanks to Oliver Shortly)

LET IT SNOW, DUDE

POLICE busted a "significant" cannabis factory because its grow lights melted all the SNOW on its roof.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SCOTTISH ADVENT CALENDAR

Unfortunately, December is almost over. We'll try to catch up.

 

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)