Dave Barry's Blog

WE JUST HOPE THEY DON'T BITE ITS HEAD OFF

RICHLAND, Wash. -- After catching a radioactive rabbit just north of Richland, Hanford workers now are on the hunt for a radioactive mouse.

(Thanks to John Regan)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

Today is World Toilet Day.

(Thanks to many people)

MY BIG RADIO BREAK

Here's an interview I did with the great Florida writer and deviant personality Carl Hiaasen.

THAT'S ONE WORD FOR IT

An Idaho treasurer resisted a doctor's push to include colonoscopy reminders in annual tax notices, fearing some taxpayers would find the notes "ironic."

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DRUG USE ON CAMPUS: STILL A PROBLEM?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

REST EASY, NEW YORK; YOUR NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Cops bust seven men playing chess in upper Manhattan park

(Thanks to oldfatguy)

YOU MAY NOW, UM, KISS THE BRIDE

Nude wedding pictures anger China

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DOES THIS MEAN THEY HAVE TO UNFRIEND THE LORD?

Pastor orders church leaders off Facebook

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BUN

Chiba port festival fetes bygone era by serving up whale wieners

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED THE INTERNET

The Flush Tracker.

Tragically, this vital service is not yet available in the United States. Unless you count Jersey Shore.

(Thanks to Michael Johnson)

THE MOUSE HAD NO COMMENT

Mouse head biter acquitted of cruelty

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE NEW TSA PROCEDURES

Here's the Japanese view.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HE CAME, HE SAW, HE SWALLOWED

Man Swallows 100-Year-Old Museum Exhibit

Did you know there was a Sword Swallowers Association International? Neither did this blog.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

THIS NEVER WORKED FOR US

Fake doctor performed 'breast exams' at local bars

Key Fake Name: Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna

(Thanks to B'game)

HE ALSO CONFIRMS THAT THE POPE IS CATHOLIC

WASHINGTON — The head of the Transportation Security Administration is acknowledging that the new pat-downs are more invasive than what travelers were used to in the past.

(Thanks to Lisa Gibson)

 

WE SURE HOPE OUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR THIS

HUMAN LEFT-SIDED CRADLING PREFERENCES FOR DOGS

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

WHAT A WEALTHY RUSSIAN MAN LOOKS FOR IN A PROSPECTIVE WIFE

Skill on the pole.

(Thanks to Bill Dover)

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

The giant metal beach chicken is loose.

(Thanks to Michael Frixen)

THE MANLY MAN'S REMOTE CONTROL

Bristol Palin's dancing prompts man to shoot his TV

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Jimmy Madigan, Mark Buckley, Horace LaBadie, B'game and Michael Gilleland)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM ALABAMA

A man accused of having sex with a miniature horse has retained an attorney with the moniker "Cowboy Bob."

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THE UNITED NATIONS IS UP TO IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES...

...it is carrying out the urgent work of adding elements to the Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage, including the Wayuu normative system in Colombia, the end-of-winter bread and fire feast at Geraardsbergen, gingerbread craft from Northern Croatia, the gastronomic meal of the French, the Indonesian Angklung (a musical instrument consisting of two to four bamboo tubes suspended in a bamboo frame, bound with rattan cords), Sutartinės (Lithuanian multipart songs), the hopping procession of Echternach, the Peruvian scissors dance, the human towers of Spain, and of course the the Kırkpınar oil wrestling festival. 

Incredibly, Jersey Shore did not make the list.

(Thanks to Rob Hinkley)

CSI: SANFORD

Poop Inside Letter Sent To Principal

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALSO: STAY OFF HIS LAWN!

Do not block this man's garage.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THEY HAVE THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Ukraine's topless group widens political role

(Thanks to many people, virtually all of them guys)

Related Item: MP: Breasts best defence against extremism

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

CLEARLY HE SHOULD BE COACHING IN FLORIDA

The North Dakota State University football coach is the voice of the 30-second radio ad Fargo police began airing Monday as part of a new traffic-safety campaign dubbed, “Are you getting it now?”

Yet Bohl has been ticketed for at least 18 traffic offenses in the region since 2003, the year he was hired, including 10 speeding tickets in the past three years.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

This just in.

WORDS THAT PARENTS NEED

PUPPYMOON (n.):  The short period of time during which your child lives up to their promise of caring for the new pet they begged you for.

WOUNDOGGLE (v.): When a child pretends to be hurt after hurting someone else with hopes that it will prevent him from getting in trouble.

SH*TISTICS (n.): The wildly inaccurate stats spouted by an 8 year old at a sporting event.
 
WISHJACK (v.) To blow out the candles on another child’s birthday cake.

From The KiDictionary, by Eric Ruhalter.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE AN AROMA

...in space, everybody can smell your gas.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

The victim, 70-year-old Jacqueline Cutright, told Fox 8 she "thought about doing some ninja stuff" to fight off the robber, but decided to stay parked on the toilet instead.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

WEST VIRGINIA SOCIAL NOTE

A man and woman are charged with stealing a motorized shopping cart from Wal-Mart and driving it to and from a neighboring strip club early Monday morning.

(Thanks to Rob Shaw)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using escargot.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

 

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Man urinates on cruiser during traffic stop

Bonus Place Name: "Johnson City"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MINUTES LATER SHE WAS TORN APART BY DOGS

Katy Perry releases scent in London

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CHITLIN STINK

Nappy Blowout

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

TODAY'S HOLIDAY TIP

Try this with your cat! You will die.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

LEAVING YOU WITH EVEN MORE TIME TO BE A NERD!

IPhone app that lets you 'scan and taste' beer!

(Thanks to Suzie W. Wacvet)

 

OR YOU COULD GO TO THE AIRPORT DRESSED ONLY IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

Blog calls for men to wear kilts, sans underpants, to protest TSA screenings

(Thanks to nursecindy and Jeff Meyerson, who says "I bet judi would support this.")

BUT WHERE'S THE AREA WHERE THEY GIVE YOU BACK YOUR DIGNITY?

Heard your interview on NPR this evening, regarding your, umm, lovely experience with the TSA. But, apparently not all TSA folks are grim and humorless. I took this picture in the putting-your-shoes-back-on area at the Milwaukee airport yesterday. 

Elaine Crabtree

THIS BLOG IN THE NEWS

Here's an interview I did with NPR about being groped at the airport because of my blurred groin. And here's a story from the Herald about Nora Ephron, one of the smartest and funniest writers there is; I had the pleasure of interviewing her last night at the Miami Book Fair.

ROCK AND ROLL, SORT OF

Here's an old column about the time the Rock Bottom Remainders performed at the VIP party at the opening of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

A smallish portion of the Remainders -- including Scott Turow, Ridley Pearson, Kathi Goldmark and Sam Barry -- will be performing at the Miami Book Fair this Saturday at 6 p.m. Also on hand will be some special guests, including legendary South Florida radio dude Paul Castronovo, who's nervous because he doesn't know a lot of our songs, although I have assured him that we don't know a lot of our songs, either.

BE ADVISED THAT A UNIT IS RESPONDING

The 20-year veteran was on duty early Sept. 19 when dispatchers and others heard a 10-second radio transmission of what sounded like a woman moaning.

(Thanks to queensbee)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ELECTRIC FLAG

Chitlin Stink

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THOSE THINGS COULD HAVE DETONATED AT ANY MOMENT

A PASSENGER found himself the centre of attention on a Delta Air Lines flight after a fellow passenger reported his "suspicious behaviour" and the words "Atom Bomb" tattooed on his fingers.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

THEY HAVE HIGHER STANDARDS THAN WE DO

Brazil tests literacy of clown elected to Congress

(Thanks to jon harris)

THE DEADLIEST CATCH

Plastic tuna blocks French ministry in protest

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

CHLOE UPDATE

"I wish Edgar wasn't dead."

(Thanks to Virgil)

WITHIN DAYS THEY WILL ALL HAVE DRIVERS' LICENSES

Gigantic pink plastic snails -- some up to 8 feet tall -- will begin appearing in public places in Miami with an environmental message, their creators say.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION ALL HARVARD-AREA UNITS

Be on the lookout for an extremely tall individual.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SEND MELTED BUTTER

Global warming may bring giant, voracious crabs to Antarctica

(Thanks to Tash)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Turkeys invade Staten Island

(Thanks to Matt Filar and nursecindy)