Dave Barry's Blog

THANKSGIVING WARNING:

You will gain weight just looking at this.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ROCKET SCIENTIST MOTEL GUEST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Next, he was told to remove the back toilet cover and to smash the TV with it. He did and the cover shattered without breaking the TV screen, so he was instructed to throw the TV outside. Jones did as he was instructed.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

YEAH, THIS IS A GREAT IDEA

A sarcasm punctuation mark.

(Thanks bonmot)

HENCE THE NAME

The singer was sitting next to Lydon, also known as Johnny Rotten, when he was flying Down Under and he was infuriated when the controversial star repeatedly passed gas throughout the entire journey.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: THEY'RE NOT LEAKING

...six women from Essex County ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs, authorities said.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO BUY STOLEN FURS

Ew.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

THEY SHOULD CARRY WARNING LABELS

Skinny women harmful for health

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AW

Man 'has his mother's beard'

(Thanks to  Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

WHY SWEDEN IS NOT LIKE HERE

A Swedish high school principal said he sees "nothing wrong" with a video featuring nude students at a farm.

Peter Gustavsson Natural Resource Use Program high school in Stromma, defended the video of nude students riding tractors and performing other farm duties on school grounds, The Local reported Tuesday.

The video, which ensures no genitals or female nipples actually ever appear on screen, was created by the students as a promotion for their annual cabaret night.

"This kind of thing happens all the time," Gustavsson said. "There's nothing wrong with being naked. That's still allowed."

(Thanks to Ralph)

'...AND TO THE BURRRPPPP REPUBLIC...'

A Los Angeles man said he is fighting the United States government to allow his Oklahoma company to print the Pledge of Allegiance on bottles of its beer.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ESTABLISH YOUR PERIMETER AND DOWNLOAD YOUR SCHEMATICS

The 24 Marathon Challenge

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

UPDATE: THOSE KRAZY KANADIANS

"We need more more Canadian sex stories," Tony Clement told an Ottawa crowd during a speech on the government's digital strategy.

(Thanks to jon harris)

WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

They kicked the automatic gearstick into drive, sending their car in to the freezing water of the Rhine river in Cologne.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Allen at Division)

KIMMO WILSKA UPDATE

Pahoittelemme, että meillä ei ole Kimmo Wilska päivitys.

 

THERE THEY ARE

Miss Plastic 2010

(Thanks to catmanmax)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Three arrested for disorderly conduct in Wilson Borough baby shower brawl

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: TREASURE ISLAND

Have you seen a giant Bud Light bottle?

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HIGHER EDUCATION IN SCOTLAND

Yesterday was Raisin Monday, and you know what that means.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

(We don't understand it, either.)

 

BUT YOU MUST PROMISE TO USE IT ONLY FOR PEACEFUL PURPOSES

You can buy Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's old car.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TAKING EVERY PRECAUTION

Church tests the water on condoms

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE ASSUME THE KEY IS MAGIC

DOD tries to uncover secret of flying snakes

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

Update: Flying snakes' secret revealed

That was quick.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

Update: RussellMc sends this link and notes, chillingly, that "they don't even need a plane any more."

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE DIP

Dorito-Shaped UFOs Spotted Over Britain

(Thanks to Tom Meerschaert)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Up for adoption: 1,000 rescued rats that now call San Jose home

(Thanks to marfie)

BUT ONLY BECAUSE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF BULLETS

Miami-Dade Plummets in "Most Dangerous Cities" Rankings

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, who says: "Recount!")

HEY, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

Report: Nuclear weapon drivers sometimes got drunk

(Thanks to qsman and Horace LaBadie)

FOR WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE

We are truly thankful that The Blog is not cooking our Thanksgiving dinner.

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT NEW BRUNSWICK IS NOT A HAPPENING CANADIAN PROVINCE

This blog begs to differ.

(Thanks to the Perts)

WE SAW MILLIPEDE OUTBREAK OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

A Japanese railroad is disrupted by a millipede outbreak.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ATTENTION AIR TRAVELERS

Here's your new underwear:

(Thanks to nursecindy, Justin Barber and Jeff Meyerson)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A BEER

A Newfoundland man wants to market iceberg water.

Key Selling Point: "It is so tasteless that it actually creates a taste. The tastelessness is its own taste. It's like drinking air."

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

REMEMBER THE PASTOR WHO BANNED FACEBOOK?

He had his reasons.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Jeff Meyerson)

QUACK

Cannabis fed to ducks by French farmer for 'deworming'

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

YOU WILL BE SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Partygoer dressed as Larry the Lamb saved by 'Jesus' after being set alight

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

REMAINDERS UPDATE

Some of the World Famous But Not For A Good Reason Rock Bottom Remainders performed in Miami this weekend. Last night we were at the Miami Book Fair; on Friday we drank a lot rehearsed at Scotty's Landing, the best waterfront bar in Miami, where we played under a big tree that has a sign saying KEEP OUT OF TREE. Here's a photo sent in by Fred Hamilton (Thanks, Fred) showing (from left) Josh Kelly, me and Ridley Pearson rocking and rolling, but not necessarily in unison.

EBAY ITEM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

I think I recognize these.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO A DRUMSTICK

Drivers who successfully pass through the DUI checkpoint may be given a turkey that has been donated by businesses, private persons, and members of the Salinas Police Department.

(Thanks to Lori Karns)

TO GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE

In the Glorious Future, Could Space Travel Be Poop-Powered?

(Thanks to RussellMc)

CAN WE KEEP IT? PLEEEEEASE?

Police constable David Melhuish said the pair did not want to leave the croc in the popular swimming spot - so they took it home.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ART UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to Monty and Matt Filar)

FROG OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Ribbit.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Ohio Cops Arrest Notorious Serial Amish Buggy Exposer

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IF BEARS HAVE YOUTUBE, THIS IS GOING TO BE HUGE

A Loveland beekeeper rigged a "booby trap shotgun" to protect his hive from a bear but accidentally shot himself in the hand, sheriff's officials said.

(Thanks to Bill Guy)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Undaunted, the steppers - five young women and three young men - decided to leave two adults behind with two vehicles and hoof it through the tunnel, in their costumes - which just happened to be camouflage.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

Update: NY Post version here.

(Thanks to Diane of Lakeland)

THE GOAL: NUMBER ONE

Russia must regain its pre-revolutionary status as the country with the best lavatories in the world, an official said on Wednesday.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

 

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Police have arrested a man who stabbed himself while apparently trying to rob a Duffins Donuts store.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CREEPING FASCISM ALERT

Now they want to take away a man's fundamental human right to tattoo the Rolling Stones logo on his pony.

(Note that we are using the term "pony" in the sense of an actual pony.)

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Bob Brogan)

ATTENTION:

TSA checkpoint ahead.

(Thanks to Michael Johnson)

Update: Related informative video here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

According to this story, a Japanese man, attempting to kill roaches by setting them on fire, burned down his mushroom factory.

Which raises the question: What the hell is a "mushroom factory?"

(Thanks to Ralph)

Vaguely Related Item: 2 accused of stealing hissing cockroach, reptiles

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT HAVING TO RAKE AND BAG THE CLIPPINGS

Stick-up suspect flees scene on mower

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Chuck Cody)

YOU KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A LAWSUIT

A Southeast Portland woman who wanted to warm up cold cans of aerosol spray paint put them in her oven.

(Thanks to Jeff Brown)