Dave Barry's Blog

DEFINITELY SELF-DEFENSE

A 25-year-old Sheboygan man was charged Monday after allegedly firing a handgun into the floor of his upstairs apartment unit while seated on his toilet, sending a bullet into an occupied downstairs apartment.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Women accused of hiding merchandise in body fat

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Texans Fan Jailed After Attack On Police Horse

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A HOLIDAY CLASSIC

Sort of.

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Thousand Oaks Man Charged with Dropping Anchor on a Moving Cruise Ship

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Allen at Division)

TODAY'S CANADIAN ART UPDATE

Logger hauls away sculpture mistaken for wood pile

Key Quote from Logger Unable to Distinguish between A Pile of Wood and Art: "If that's art then I'm in the wrong racket."

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

IF THEY PASS, SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Aussie politicians to take intelligence tests

(Thanks to Ross)

WHICH IS WHY WE FAVOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS ON BOTH OF THESE THINGS

Woman Allegedly Throws Beans, Cologne at Husband During Argument

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

A FLORIDA LICENSE WILL BE PARACHUTED IN

Emergency crews in Butler County were called to rescue the driver of a pickup truck that ended up stuck 30 feet off the ground in a tree.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, Jeff Meyerson and Mark Schlesinger)

NO, THANKS!

Methane-Powered Laptops?

(Thanks to RussellMc, who says, "Honey, my laptop's going dead. Pull my finger, please.")

FASHION UPDATE

This just in.

EVEN FOR SNAKES, THIS IS LOW

Student finds snake slithering in schoolbag

THE FUTURE

Count us out.

(Thanks to jon harris, who says, "soylent brown.")

FLORIDA

The Attack-Otter State

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are eloquent.

(Thanks to bonmot)

WE DID NOT KNOW YOU NEEDED A PERMIT

But apparently you do.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

MEANWHILE IN CHRISTCHURCH, DORSET

Chicken sore after laying 4 inch egg

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CHANUKAH UPDATE

Dreidelpalooza!

(Thanks to -- prepare to be shocked -- Jeff Meyerson)

 

SO YOU HAVE A BOAT, AND YOU HAVE A LAWN TRACTOR... DOESN'T IT JUST MAKE SENSE TO COMBINE THEM?

No.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

KINKY

Men caught riding in a women-only carriage on the Delhi Metro were fined - and then slapped by angry women who forced them to do sit-ups.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...along with a change of underwear.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HEY... THAT'S NOT MISS PIGGY!

Time Warner Cable officials apologized Tuesday after they mistakenly showed Playboy preview programming on two children's channels.

(Thanks to James in NC)

COLLEGE

They call themselves the "Hangover Helpers."

For $15 per roommate, CU graduates Alex Vere-Nicoll and Marc Simons will come to a house after a party, bring breakfast burritos, Gatorade and clean -- ridding the home of sticky red plastic cups and beer stains.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHICH IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY MAYFLOWER DESCENDANTS

The smell of pumpkin pie - with a touch of lavender scent mixed in - increases sexual arousal in men more than any fancy perfume, according to Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT IT BELONGED TO DONALD TRUMP

Spanish woman claims ownership of the Sun

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PHOTO CAPTIONS YOU DO NOT SEE EVERY DAY

A woman in Kulyab, southern Tajikistan, rocks her unibrow.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YUM

Is squirrel the perfect austerity dish?

(Thanks to The Big Uke)

WE BET

Alcoholic Whipped Cream Causes Buzz On Campus

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

WE'VE SAT NEXT TO GUYS LIKE THIS

Swede broadcasts music from his stomach

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FOWL GENITALS

Ghana bans second-hand knickers

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS BLOG IS SHOCKED, SHOCKED

Mr. Willie Nelson got busted for pot.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and jon harris)

FORGET ABOUT THAT WII YOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR

What they really want is this.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

CANADA TAKES ACTION

Subsidy Increasing On Problem Beavers

(Thanks to an alert Canadian reader)

WE ASSUME THIS REFERS TO FEMALE VULTURES

German Zoo Forces Gay Vultures to Mate With Females

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR A FIELD TRIP

A fetish club with its own dungeon and spanking bench is operating in a barn next door to a primary school.

Angry neighbours have complained after hearing "screaming and whipping".

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM HUNTLEY, ILL.

Thousands attend turkey testicle festival

Organizers of the 28th annual Turkey Testicle Festival in Illinois said more than 1,000 pounds of fowl genitals were served to a crowd of about 4,000 people.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

We saw Fowl Genitals open for Whitesnake.

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME

Moron Friday.

CSI: CHILLIWACK-AGASSIZ

Seven pregnant goats stolen from farm

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PERHAPS THEY SHOULD SEND SOME HARLEY FELLOWS AROUND TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THESE CHAPS

A New York holding company was granted the trademark for "Daytona Beach Bike Week" for only $87.50, and has begun sending letters threatening to "take all legal actions to protect its rights" against Daytona Beach businesses that produce or sell merchandise with that name, according to a News-JournalOnline.com report.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are handy.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE COULD NOT AGREE MORE

Love yer city, hate yer Gabba pig's ear: Barmy Army

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEAS

If this isn't tasteless enough for you, there's always this.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Jeff Meyerson)

IS THAT A BROOMSTICK IN YOUR BOXERS, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

Warner Bros. has trademarked "Quidditch" lingerie

(Thanks to catmanmax)

BECAUSE THE INEVITABLE NEXT STEP IS HEROIN

Johnston County schools take a stand against lip balm.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

'TIS THE SEASON

...for traditional Catalan figurines depicting defecating world leaders.

Story here.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

RECESSION? WHAT RECESSION?

"I wanted to see how high up the designer ladder sweatpants went, and it turns out, it's quite far," she says. Cernek found Stella McCartney jersey studded sweatpants for almost $1,100 on Net-a-Porter.com.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S KNOWN AS 'MEERKAT RUSTLER'S REMORSE'

Stolen Meerkat Dropped Off at Overland Park Pet Store

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS IN THE CHARLES CITY, IOWA, AREA

Take spoons.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

THANKSGIVING

This blog is going to observe Thanksgiving by giving thanks for -- among many other things -- the fact that this blog is not legally required to blog. You crazy guys 'n' gals have a good day. Do not opt out of the pumpkin pie.