GROIN UPDATE

I'm traveling by air today -- I know, I'm an idiot -- and when I got to the Miami International Airport and Permanent Construction Zone I found that we have new security procedures, requiring that all passengers remove all of their dignity and place it in little gray bins. As I approached the screening point, a TSA person told me to go into the line for the scanning machine, which takes an image of your body and sends it to a TSA person in another room. Or possibly it goes to teenaged hackers in Bangladesh; there is no way to tell.

The people ahead of me were allowed to go after being scanned, but I was not. I was pulled aside and told to stand in a small roped-off area. After I had stood there for several minutes, I asked a passing TSA person what was happening. He said, quote, "You have a blurred groin."

"I have a what?" I said.

"A blurred groin," he said. And then he walked away.

I tried to sneak a peek at my groin, but this is not easy to do inconspicuously when you are confined to a small roped-off area with many people around. Several minutes more passed, and then a man came and took my boarding pass, and another man told me he was going to take me to a private room for a special procedure.

"Your groin was blurred," he explained.

We went into a little room, where he put on blue gloves and explained that he was going to touch me in various private places. He was very specific not only about the places, but also about when he would be using the front of his hand, and when he would be using the back of his hand. (I honestly don't think it's any less creepy either way, but I did not say this, for fear of being viewed as an international terrorist.)

While he was explaining this, the other man came back with my boarding pass, and informed me that I was Dave Barry. His exact words were: "You're Dave Barry!" I agreed that I was. At that point the first man began groping me with the fronts and backs of his hands, and while this was happening the second man was telling me that he was a big fan of my writing. "Maybe he'll write about you!" he said to the groping man, who did not find this as hilarious as he did.

Anyway, they finally let me go, after establishing that there was nothing fishy (so to speak) going on with my groin. So we can all feel a little safer today.

 

Comments

[bonmot]

Blurred Groin opened for Fuzzy Junk Funk in 1974.

[Beckster]

darn ot Bon!!!!!!! that was gonna be my joke. *pout*

[MOTW]

Snork! at we can all FEEL safer. NTTAWWT IYKWIM AITYD

Were you traveling with Walter?

[Beckster]

darn IT! can't spell.
oh, and Dave, thank you for your invaluable service in the areas of keeping our skies safe for transport, and most importantly, pointing out what idiots these people are.

[sandy]

Silly dave - next time you'll need to wear these

[Siouxie]

I feel safer already, sir. Next time, tell your groin not to move or the gloves are coming OFF ;P

[queensbee]

it is unfortunate payment for travelling today. i got the day off. but the buses arent running on the weekly schedule, just holiday. so i'm gonna take a walk.

[Cheesewiz]

Fishy Groin WnotBGNFRB

[TSA fellow (MOTW)]

Is that an oosik in your pocket or are you just happy to get groped?

[bonmot]

Hey, Siouxie's back!

[funny man]

Brave man, Dave!

I wouldn't let them scan me with the XRays of Death
machine...(please do some research...these scanners
are not safe or healthy. Just ask Walter.)

And as bad or undiginified as touchy feely guy or gal at Homeland Severity might be, at least it does not shorten your life....unless you count the minutes standing around during this "procedure."

But as a famous fictional doctor once said, "Minutes
Jim, not years...". (He also often said "He's dead,
Jim."

As for me, I OPT OUT of the Xray Scanner of Death.
Hope you will also. Seriously.

[Olo Baggins of Bywater]

I think they make a pill for that blurriness.

[Horace LaBadie]

Phew. Dave successfully hid the mouse, or the mice.

[Matt Filar]

If you had placed your groin in a ZipLok bag the way you're supposed to, you could have saved the security people a lot of time.

[Dad-O-Lot]

Since these inspections are becoming more and more like a Physical, will this be covered by Obamacare?

"Nope, no weapons, but I did find 2 polyps that will need to be removed and biopsied."

[russellmc]

Where was your quart size zip top bag during all this?

[Hammond Rye]

I've found that uttering soft sighs and moans during the process makes it much more rewarding.

[Mot the Hoople]

Oh no! Don't tell me you fell for the blurred groin scam?

They tried to catch me with it but I explained that the batteries in my cloaking device were beginning to run down.

[toe-jam]

Blurred groin? Were you wearing your chastity belt again Dave?

[Siouxie]

I guess I can't post what I wanted to post.

Carry on. (WAVES @ Hammie & bon)

[Marc]

I'm betting that the hotter looking the passenger, the more likely their body scan will have a 'blurred groin." Dave is officially hot.

[Siouxie]

If you don't want a vibrating groin, never wear one of these.

Annie told me.

What them all post now.

[sandy]

*pictures dave scan-tily clad groped*

[bonmot]

Nothing fishy indeed.

[Siouxie]

What = Watch

Sorry. My groin was vibrating.

Whut?

[sandy]

*...& SMACKS siouxie for being gone so long!!*

[Pannus]

Can you feel me now?

[Siouxie]

Thank you, sandy. May I have another??OWWWWWWWWWW! What?? I didn't go anywhere!

*SMACKS* bon for that visual! EYEBLEACH!! STAT!!!

[Danny]

If you experience a blurred groin for more than four hours, consult a physician.

[Jack Tavy]

TSA
Copping a Feel.
For your security.

Really

[Elon]

And you did write about him!

Good to know that at least these creeps important and dignified security people have great taste.

[manual tomato]

Deja Vu listening to the Golden Earring song, When the Latex Hits the Bone.

[Annie Where-but-here]

WTFBBQ? I'd like to give that groper the back of my hand.

They should really post signs - "No kegling whilst scanning." It would have saved Dave some embarrassment.

That groper is just begging for a Dave column, and I mean that in the best possible way.

[Steve B.]

Blurred groin? My sympathies to Mrs. Blog.

[Annie Where-but-here]

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it just has ADHD.

[manual tomato]

IED or Intermittent Explosive Disorder is often the cause of airport scans that result in shots fired. Ink cartridges stuffed down the pants are a sure sign of the presence of IED.

[nursecindy]

I've always thought Dave looked dangerous. Next time don't dance through the body scanner. It's so good to see that Siouxie is back from Finland where she was helping Kimmo get his job back.

[Wingnut]

Do you treat that with a pill or some kind of topical cream?

[nursecindy]

Wingnut, I would suggest both. STAT. Isn't it nice they wore blue gloves to match Dave's shirt?

[Ralph]

Just wear these or these if you want a hand job.

[Alyzabeth]

C'mon Dave, you blurred your groin on purpose just to get the rub down!

[Wingnut]

Ralph, I like the Slipways radiation proof underwear. Especially the part where they tell you any call made from the confines of the underwear will fail to connect, though they can't imagine why anyone would do so. Before today I never would have imagined someone trying to operate their mouse with their spincter, so I am not going to assume anything anymore.

[bonmot]

Dave ought to write a book.

[Suzie Q. Wacvet]

If you could get a copy of your scan and autograph it, you could raffle it off for charity.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Siouxie, I don't care what they say, some of us missed you!

*remembers machete in time to refrain from groinal scan*

Leave it to Dave to make a groin search (semi-)funny.

When we traveled last month we'd heard that JFK and Phoenix (and maybe Las Vegas) had installed the Radioactive Scan of Death to sperm production but we jsut had the "ordinary" scan each time.

I'm betting the guy who recognized Dave was the one who singled him out for the patdown.

[Siouxie]

Perhaps Dave's groin had been drinking.

Thanks, Jeff. I think ;P

[nursecindy]

*SMACKS* Jeff. ALL us missed you, Siouxie. The blog guys have been out of control.

[random thunking]

Note to Dave: next time leave Mr. Happy's tin-foil hat at home.

[padraig]

I always have my groin professionally de-blurred before I head for the airport, anyway. Can't see what the fuss is all about.

[Annie Where-but-here]

Perhaps a bit 'o manscaping is in order. Siouxie, where did you leave that hot wax?

[sandy]

Dave will always remember this day.
We can now officially refer to him as a 'Veteran Columnist'.

(does that deserve an erection something to be erected for him?)

[Theresa]

Truly, Dave Oh poor Dave you must write about this in one of your books. LOL!

[Peter M]

Here's a summary from CNet about the general controversy:

http://news.cnet.com/8301-31921_3-20022477-281.html

[Meanie the Blue]

Add Buffalo to the list of airports that have one of these scanners, and me to the list of scannees as of last evening. Being of clear groin, I was not singled out for the Blue Glove treatment. However it is also undignified to have to stand for a minute in one of these things, in a sort of frozen jumping jack position. And, unlike the regular scanners, you have to remove everything from your pockets or other areas of your person, not just metallic or electronic items. Because I had not removed my belt, the screener did have to manually inspect the entire waistband of my pants, while I was in them.

Of course, had my driver's license said "Meanie the Blue", I might have been recognized like Dave was. Or possibly told to drive home instead.

[danceswithvowels]

As a recent tweet points out, "We're all used to getting screwed by the government. Thanks to the TSA, now we're at least getting some foreplay." So, we've got that going for us. :-)

Also, a UCSF biochemist says it's an error to claim that airport body scanners are perfectly safe. (Warning: NSFW due to picture of Blurred Groin!)

I plan to 1) stop flying, 2) give my flapping arms a rest, 3) get a Brazilian Blurwax there is No Number 3, and 4) opt out.

Also, opt out. (Unless you need it to write off the trip as research for your next book. Then opt out!)

[Siouxie]

Wusses. What's a little groping? I just think guys get a bit nervous when they see a man put on latex gloves. As long as they don't ask you to bend ovah.

*SNAP*

[Elon]

Wait, did they make you take off your clothes? Why the gloves?

[danceswithvowels]

"Turn your head."
"Cough."
"Hmmmm."

[nursecindy]

Pete M's link. Is that Dave's scan they're showing?

[EB]

I might pass on any job interview requiring plane travel. However,I can guarantee you they are not i nterested in my groin.

And I can always carry a Haldol shot with me, just in case....

I prefer small town airports, "OK, who wants to be the Terrorist today?" They can't afford the body scanners..

[bonmot]

Hey, it's for our own protection. So don't get teste.

[danceswithvowels]

Speaking of all things TSA, there was the flap with the enhanced scanning and a commercial pilot recently. Among other concerns, the crazed aviator pointed out a flaw with protecting the public from pilots who might board with blurry groins, depilators, Roller Derby Barbies, etc.

Has it occurred to the feds that the pilots already have control of the planes?

Maybe we can rename the Agency "Solution Looking for A Problem"?

[veee]

so now we have to wear our dress up underwear when we fly too

[sandy]

interesting link, dwv - so does frequent blurriness lead to blindness?

[Hammond Rye]

*Waves @ Siouxie!!!!*

[CoastRaven]

So basically, today TSA got to see Peter and the Sword of Mercy.

[bonmot]

Dave, are you sure they didn't say "furry groin"?

[danceswithvowels]

Probably the Mollusks, too.

[sandy]

yes, CR, & along with every 'teenage hackers in Bangladesh', they're all HUGE fans of Dave's HUGE column ;)

[Pannus]

Can one request the style of frisking? I would clearly prefer no touching at all, but if I had to be "patted down", I would prefer more deft hand movements (such as at the annual doctor's visit) rather than a gentle brush-by. It's like getting the wet fish handshake. It would give me the willies-literally. I am about to fly out over Thanksgiving. I want to be adequately prepared.

[Annie Where-but-here]

To avoid the blurry problem, travel like Siouxie does - commando.

Gotta marvel at the speed of the innernets - someone may have already posted Dave's scan.

[bonmot]

Totally beneath you Annie -- You Wish!

[abbie normal]

So Dave was put into the groping group and then groped by a groupie?

Like so many people I only fly because there is no real alternative and so the TSA has me by the balls, so to speak.

[Elon]

Wow, Annie! That is a spitting likeness. Man, are those scans detailed.

[Steve Haller]

If you really want to see just how far these airport scanners are willing to go, just check out this video...

[Horace LaBadie]

Thanks to Real ID, next time Dave renews his Florida license, he will have his groin photo put on his card for proper identification.

I'm just surprised that his suspicious groin hasn't been pulled over before now.

[bonmot]

Dave's groin sure has engendered a lot of comments.

[Peter M]

Here's what the pilots think of all that scanning:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/11/11/pilots.body.scanning/index.html?hpt=T2

[Karl]

Wait... aren't the machines supposed to automatically blur that area? It all sounds really fishy to me...

[Elon]

Peter, it is 25 millirems a pop. Consider that the average yearly dose per American is only 200 millirems, and that flying constantly already increases one's risk of cancer. I think the pilots have what to be worried about.

[Just Ducky]

♫
All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go
I’m standing here, then they say no
I hate to be pulled over, out of line
But my groin is blurry; I’m behind the rope
The blue gloves come out; I’m gonna get groped
Already I start moaning; then I whine
So frisk me and fondle me
Tell me it’s security
Hold my package but, please, let me go
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
Don’t know if I’ll come back again
Next time, just tase me, Bro'

[Wingnut]

Wasn't Suspicous Groins a big hit for Elvis?

[khritteroo]

I'm amazed that you did not protest and are not raising a ruckus about strangers touching your "swimsuit area".

http://www.optoutday.com/
http://dontscan.us/

[danceswithvowels]

Ducks, that rendering of the Peter Pole and Mercy classic was arousing!

[Siouxie]

Duckness!! *SNORK* I've missed your songs!!

[Just Ducky]

Thanks, dances & Siouxie. I've missed y'all, too. *Snif* Hope to be back more often!

[nursecindy]

Encore Ducky! We've missed you.

[Loudmouth]

You didn't wear the new security codpiece?

[nursecindy]

I wonder if Dave, as a child, ever sat and looked at the stars and thought, "Someday a strange security man will grope me in an airport terminal and hundreds of people will discuss it on the internet. After Bill Gates and/or Al Gore invents it."

[danceswithvowels]

Bill Gates and/or Al Gore invented the airport terminal? Makes sense. It seems to have developed a BSOD (Blurred Screening Of Death) problem. Dangling Chads, too.

[sandy]

*snork*!
That was Just DUCKY!

[uk visa lawyer]

I'm very glad your blurry groin checked out OK but I preferred air travel when it didn't involve being felt by a man/woman/thing from the TSA.
But as a parent I worry that if I travel to America with my daughter we might never be able to leave if she had a blurry groin... I'm just not prepared to let somebody feel her up to appease their inappeasable paranoia.

[bonmot]

Ducky D. Shoots, SCORES!

[MOTW]

Bravo J. D.(ucky)!!

[danceswithvowels]

Han D. Solo: Great, Ducks -- Don't get cocky!

[bob]

So, Dave Barry, you were blasted with ionizing radiation, delayed, and molested.

I recommend you opt-out of the blasted with ionizing radiation part next time.

Unless you like cancer.

[Kevin]

Is it possible to request a "Happy Ending" Pat down?

[bonmot]

Dave, next time, don't wear your "Members Only" jacket to the airport.

[bonmot]

We're so close.

Shirley Dave's groin can handle three digits.

[Sam]

You're that guy with the blurred groin?? I think I saw you on an episode of COPS!