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October 21, 2010


Catherine O'Hagan Wolfe, the clerk of the US Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit, at 500 Pearl St., gave her staff a writing test to find out who scribbled rude graffiti in the men's room, sources said. Last week, graffiti appeared in a fifth-floor bathroom that read, "Don't [bleep] on the seat," along with a lewd sketch of a male body part.

(Thanks to Alan Glenn)

This blog's all-time favorite men's-room graffiti that can be posted on this blog:

This is a teepee

Where you do your peepee.

This is not a wigwam

Where you beat your tom-tom.



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I would be glad that all she was seeking was a writing sample.

My favorite bar-graffiti that can be shared on the family blog is:

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Send in the Toilet Security Administration and make everyone use one-quart resealable plastic bags.

I remember in second grade our class was given a small piece of paper and simple instructions: "Write your name and the word 'firetruck' on the paper"

They were trying to find out who had written in the bathroom a certain word that starts with F and rhymes with duck.

I don't know if they found him or not but apparently this is a time-tested investigation technique.

He who writes upon these walls
rolls his shit in little balls
he who reads these words of wit
eats those little balls of shit

A true classic from a railroad station in rural Ga.

'Trust No One'

from the terlet in my college newspaper office:
Please do not throw cigaret butts in the toilet, as we find them very difficult to smoke.
But my absolute fave was scrawled on the side of the entryway to the Throgs Neck Bridge at the last exit on the Queens side; it was so simple, and said: I bid you a fondue.
What a lovely thought.

There's the all-time classic:

If you dribble when you piddle, please be neat & wipe the seat.

So true.

(scribbled very near the floor)

"while you're looking down here, an elf is stealing your wallet"

These are all very good. I like Dave's too but I don't understand why anyone would play a little Indian drum while using the bathroom. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

From back in the days when there were pay toilets -- remember them?

Here I sit, broken-hearted.
Paid my dime, but only farted.

My all-time favorite read:

"All turds over five pounds must be lowered by rope."

How did she find out about the graffiti, and what was she doing in the men's room? Sounds like she is a voyeuress?

One of the greatest little books ever written was "Poems for the John".
I don't have it in front of me but:
Heathcliff was on the Moor last night
With a strange, wild look of Joy.
The Moor tonight is on Heathcliff
It's his turn to be the boy!

To Bonmot:

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

"If your hose is short and your pump is weak,
You'd better stand close, or you'll p!ss on your feet."

My favorite bathroom sign was not graffiti -- it was a notice from the management.


I assumed you were supposed to shit in the wastebasket.

One I recall from college was in the dorm bathrooms ...

"Flush twice. It's a long way to the cafeteria." (Ah ... memories of dorm cafeteria "food" ... )

But my all-time favorite is:

The Ontogeny is a brief and rapid recapitulation of the Phylogeny.

(Yes, I knew what it meant, having survived Biology 164 not long prior to seeing this in the Men's room @ a pizza place ... )

My variation on Bonmot's ditty:

Here I sit
All discomfitted
Tried to fart
But instead shitted.

My personal favorite is:

No matter how much
You shake and dance
The last drop always
Falls in your pants

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