Dave Barry's Blog

HATE CRIME

Men attacked while wearing beer bottle costumes

Shocker: Investigators say the women dropped off the suspects at the Leisure World Mobile Home Park...

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOON TO BE A REALITY-TV SHOW

Saanich corn maze party gone wild

(Thanks to The Perts)

RETAIL UPDATE

Sears has been taken over by zombies.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS OUGHT TO DO IT

Blondes march in Bulgaria to make world a better place

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS JUST IN

Flaccid ticket sales doom Exotic Erotic BalL

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO OUTLAW THOSE THINGS?

Man charged with assault with sandwich in Dover

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: TITUSVILLE

Police said the man told them he was wearing the ghost costume to avoid a sunburn and was allowed to continue on his way.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY GUNMEN SHOULD ALWAYS TRAVEL WITH AN INTERPRETER

The homeowner said when he opened the door, a man pointed a gun at him. However, the man told police that since he didn't understand English, he pushed the gun away and pushed the man out the door.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING CLASS, FLORIDA STYLE...

...youre talking Nude-a-Palooza.

"...featuring tribute bands ranging from Frank Sinatra to KISS."

(Thanks to bonmot)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

A woman being arrested for DUI  early Friday morning called 911 from an Elgin squad car, police said.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

we missed it

YESTERDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY.

(THANKS TO BONMOT)

PSST, DUDE...

Soda?

(Thanks to James Vessels)

QUACK

We just received a letter from a contractor offering to tune up our air conditioner, and throwing in this inducement:

WE VOTE FOR LETTING THEM STAY IN THE KITCHEN

LONDON (AFP) – Thousands of baby spiders  bred in a kitchen will be released into the countryside this week in a bid to revive an endangered species, a government biodiversity agency said Friday.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

AND YET NOWHERE IN JAPAN CAN YOU GET CHEEZ-ITS

Vending Machine Sells Live Crabs

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR TOWN'S NAME HAS ASTERISKS IN IT

Angry residents in the Austrian village of F***ing are complaining about drunken English-speaking telephone pranksters.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THE NEW YORK ART SCENE

Most of Adam is a deep dark brown; his penis, though, is worn golden from extensive handling.

(Thanks to Alan Glenn)

SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Angling for underwear.

(Thanks to Dan in Japan)

WE'RE GOING WITH ZERO

Authorities in the South Korean capital are trying to untangle themselves from a slimy row: how many octopus heads is it safe to eat?

(Thanks to Ralph)

PUMPKIN CHUNKIN'

“It’s a man thing. It’s a gun, it makes a big noise.”

(Thanks to Alan Kirkendall)

THERE WILL BE A QUIZ

The physics of wet-dog shaking.

(Thanks to [needless to say] wiredog)

WE'RE SPECULATING THAT HE'S SINGLE

An Oregon tattoo enthusiast with more than 98 percent of his body covered in ink, has taken his obsession one step farther by tattooing his eyeballs.

(Thanks to queensbee)

THINGS GUYS DO THAT NON-GUYS WOULD NEVER THINK OF DOING

Exhibit 2,038.

(Thanks to Renaldo)

THE REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER

NICEVILLE — A man who tried to enter the Mullet Festival without paying the $10 admission fee was arrested.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT WORK

Woman with getaway wheelchair tries to rob store while wearing a rubbish bag

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN KEEPING WITH OUR STRICT ETC.

Etc.

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

IT WAS THAT OR A NEIL DIAMOND CD

World's largest toast mosaic made for mother-in-law

(Thanks to John Regan)

ADVISORY TO BATHERS

Stay out of the Congo.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INCREDIBLY, IT'S NOT HUGH HEFNER

OLDEST OBJECT IN UNIVERSE FOUND

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLUSHING

Flooding forces folk singer to abandon sewer concert

(Thanks to queensbee)

CSI: FORT PIERCE

Thrown Corn Dog Leads to Arrest, Mustard Stain

(Thanks to queensbee)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

A 71-year-old Waukesha man who had been pulled over for his fourth drunken driving offense got into more trouble when he insisted on urinating on a tree as officers were making the arrest Saturday morning.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

 

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HELL

Officials find cocaine hidden in religious statues

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

CONSERVATION UPDATE

Rare New Zealand pigs to be killed for their semen

(Thanks to RussellMc)

COLLEGE

Upon arrival, an officer located four women wrapped in towels hiding behind the bull near 1000 North and 800 East. The officer told the individuals they could not be on the statue, "especially naked," according to the police report.

(Thanks to Steven Folkman)

GO FIGURE

Old men most likely to favour legal prostitution

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Shootin' & Drinkin' Event: Rifle Instruction, 50 Shots, and Whiskey Tasting Course

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

This it the good news. The bad news is, this means more Jersey Shore.

(Thanks to jon harris and queensbee)

SOON TO BE A TV CRIME DRAMA: FEDERAL TOILET POLICE

Catherine O'Hagan Wolfe, the clerk of the US Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit, at 500 Pearl St., gave her staff a writing test to find out who scribbled rude graffiti in the men's room, sources said. Last week, graffiti appeared in a fifth-floor bathroom that read, "Don't [bleep] on the seat," along with a lewd sketch of a male body part.

(Thanks to Alan Glenn)

This blog's all-time favorite men's-room graffiti that can be posted on this blog:

This is a teepee

Where you do your peepee.

This is not a wigwam

Where you beat your tom-tom.

 

THE LITTLE FURRED BASTARDS WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Now they're coming in through toilets.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FOR THEIR HARDSHIP AND SACRIFICE, NOT TO MENTION RISKING BLINDNESS

Sperm donors 'deserve greater recognition'

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

WE KNOW WHERE TO SEND IT

300-pound chimp runs amok in Kansas City

(Thanks to DeskDiva)

HE HAS A BRIGHT POLITICAL FUTURE IF HE MOVES TO MIAMI

Mayor Resigns After Arrest For Stealing Purse, Assault

(Thanks to queensbee)

NEXT UP FOR THE ONTARIO SCIENCE CENTRE: LEPRECHAUNS

Unicorn video a hoax, says Ontario Science Centre

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 

THIS BLOG WILL NOT STAND IN THE WAY

Women's sumo.

(Thanks to bonmot)

MAYBE HE'S THINKING OF A DIFFERENT KIND OF WATER BOARD

Riverside water board candidate believed to be Nazi

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CHEESE IS FINE

Jersey butchers warn against wearing a Lady Gaga meat dress for Halloween

(Thanks to bonmot)

AND HE'S GOING TO HELL

Homer Simpson is Catholic, Vatican paper declares

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE

The report states deputies later found Ho Ho's hidden in Matyises' pants.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Allen at Division)

EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF PULITZERS, THE POOR GUY HAS NEVER WON ANYTHING

Vote for Gene Weingarten.

(Thanks to wiredog and Horace LaBadie)