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October 31, 2010

AHOY THERE, SEGWAY

Personal scooter ends up in Lake Michigan

Segwaylake612
(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Let's keep it classy out there.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

SO WE'RE ASSUMING THERE WAS NO TIP

Three Chicago teenagers were charged with ditching a dinner bill and drove off with a waiter clinging to the roof rack of their SUV, police said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

October 30, 2010

IN FLORIDA...

...this is called "parking."

Article-1288349874077-0BD2C268000005DC-308557_636x375
(Thanks to catmanmax)

ATTENTION, TRICK-OR-TREATERS:

Do not go to this guy's house.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

MARWAN UPDATE

He's back!

No word on Edgar.

(Thanks to Emily Tobin)

WHEN THEY SAY TAKE A NUMBER, YOU'D BETTER TAKE A NUMBER

Activists push to arm 14,000 delis with legal guns

(Thanks to David Rogers)

THIS PRETTY MUCH DESCRIBES OUR COLLEGE EXPERIENCE

'Walking corpse syndrome'

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

NEXT: STARBUCKS

Internet Reception Reaches Summit of Mount Everest

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE HE'S SINGLE

A man has had a tattoo of a full breakfast created on his head...

(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

IS THERE AN OFFICER PROBLEM?

Complaint: Cathedral City police officer stripped down naked for swim

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

October 29, 2010

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Man Arrested With 2,060 Diamonds In Stomach

(Thanks to jon harris)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT ETC.

...we cannot etc.

(Thanks to Hulexfour)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

Beaver blamed for causing fire

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THEY'LL HAVE TO FAX IT

Bolivians rule out mailing mummy to France

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

October 28, 2010

NEVER FORGET

...whatshisname.

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IT HAS ALREADY GONE ON STRIKE

Successor to Paul the Octopus is French

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

APPARENTLY THEY'RE NOT VEGANS

Victoria police break up brothers' violent fight over size of steak

Key Excerpt: When police arrived, they saw the younger brother had punched out some of the drywall as well as a computer monitor. The brother had also took a toaster into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself by throwing into a bathtub full of water.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

GUYS: DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE

Victoria Clapham, 22, wore the dress on a night out in central Wellington late last year. It was given to her by her friend Matthew Vibert and his mother – but she says she did not know he had previously given it to another woman.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Allen at Division)

WORST-DRIVING-SONGS-OF-ALL-TIME SURVEY

Here are the results.

A FLORIDA LICENSE

˙ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ uo sı˙˙˙

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(ǝıpɐqɐן ǝɔɐɹoɥ oʇ sʞuɐɥʇ)

SENIORS GONE WILD

Library Director Alan Kornblau told the seniors Tuesday the "last straw" was an argument at last week's meeting that ended with a woman displaying her middle finger to a man with a differing opinion.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GOD HELP THE AMWAY REPRESENTATIVE

Sylvia Hall of Centerfield said she decided to obtain her National Rifle Association certification, which required 45 hours of training, and teach gun-safety classes after she used her Smith & Wesson to scare off four men who showed up on her doorstep and wanted to read to her from the Bible, The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal reported Wednesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

October 27, 2010

MOST INTERESTING OPENING SENTENCE OF A HORSE-RACING STORY SO FAR THIS WEEK

The mystery of the missing testicle finally had a happy ending yesterday as the Tony Cruz-trained California Memory broke through to win his first race but sadly too late for his owner, Dr Thomas Liang Ting-sen, who passed away earlier this year.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

WE NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY

Kimberly-Clark rolls out tube-free Scott toilet paper

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and John Regan)

STAY CLASSY, AUSTRALIA

In the cheesy ad, she uses her screen husband's penis for a leg up to reach a biscuit from a high shelf while a voiceover says: "Take the right step towards erection problems."

(Thanks to catmanmax)

STAND TALL, LANSING

LANSING, Mich. - Sean Murphy set an unofficial world record Sunday by stuffing 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth for 10 seconds as part of a local fundraiser.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THE SHRINKAGE DEFENSE

Man charged with indecent exposure argues his genitals not big enough to warrant a charge

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Chuck Cody)

BULLETIN BULLETIN

Newly Discovered Snub-Nosed Monkey Sneezes in the Rain

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

WE SAW KISSES N' SNOT OPEN FOR GUNS N' ROSES

Primary school teacher uses kisses, snot to punish students

(Thanks to John Grant and Joe in Japan)

October 26, 2010

IT WAS TOTALLY SELF-DEFENSE

WILLISTON, N.D. – Police in Williston arrested a man who allegedly shot a urinal in a local bar.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Allen at Division)

KINKY

Spanish Prostitutes Must Wear Traffic Vests

(Thanks to Jack and oldfatguy)

BUT HE'S ALSO DATING SNOOKI

Sesame Street's Bert Suggests He May Be Gay

(Thanks to queensbee)

WE'RE SURE HE SAW IT COMING

Paul the Psychic Octopus has gone to that big aquarium in the sky.

(Thanks to many people)

WE SAW CROTCH CUT OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Police try to help man with crotch cut

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'RE NOT OFFENDED, BECAUSE WE CAN'T COUNT THAT HIGH

The Miami metropolitan area is the 47th dumbest city out of 55 major U.S. areas, according to the Daily Beast's annual "Smartest Cities" survey.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HELLO, CUSTOMER SERVICE?

He wanted a yin and yang symbol with some dragons, but was instead shocked to discover the 40cm tattoo was of a penis with an obscene slogan.

(Thanks to Chris Bartlett)

PAGING SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S AGENT

Escaped snakes take over town

(Thanks to Ralph)

WEATHER UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to many people)

October 25, 2010

NEVER (BURRRPPP) FORGET

Justice for Kimmo Wilska.

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WE'RE SURE IT WAS PERFECTLY INNOCENT

WTF causing commotion in Wakefield

(Thanks to Steve [The Other Steve] Lancaster)

THE HIGH-WATER MARK OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION, FOR NOW

A pumpkin of 1,169 pounds, the year’s state record, is dropped onto a Pontiac 6000 from a 175-foot-high crane at Hee Haw Farms in Pleasant Grove, destroying the vehicle.

(Thanks to Karen Bridgers)

THE NEW WICHITA CONVENTION CENTER LOGO

Shouldn't there be two of them?

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(Thanks to queensbee)

IT'S ELECTION TIME AGAIN

Thank the Humor Gods that campaigns are back to "normal."

ATTENTION, WOMEN OF FASHION

Now you can be stylish AND safe:

Cykelhjalm_airbag_on
(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

ODDLY ENOUGH, THERE ARE NO SWIMMING POOLS IN BUFFALO

Couple finds buffalo in swimming pool

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

LADIES: WE BELIEVE HE IS SINGLE

Librarian enters the Guinness Book of Records for collecting 22.1 grams of 'belly button fluff ' over TWENTY-SIX years

BONUS FACT: Graham has also collected stamps, bakery bags and McDonalds tray liners.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: HALLANDALE BEACH

Coney, 48, and 26-year-old Verlantis Finnie, are wanted for questioning in two odd liquor store robberies involving women stuffing their underwear with expensive bottles of alcohol.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DOES IF YOU TICKLE HIM

Aggressive Elmo irks Times Square

"He swears and curses. Times Square was better when he was gone," the guy dressed as Batman told the New York Daily News after the surly Elmo returned from a hiatus of a few months.

(Thanks to Ralph and Matt Filar)

THERE'S NO TELLING HOW MUCH DAMAGE THEY WOULD HAVE DONE

Bomb Squad Defuses Box Full of Kittens

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

 
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