Dave Barry's Blog

SPORTSMANSHIP

A wild brawl erupted at a high school football game in Queens on Saturday, when an assistant coach of the Boys and Girls High School team dropped his pants and 'mooned' the opposing team's sideline.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

This blog assumes the assistant coach is a Jets fan.

THANK GOD FOR THE COMMA

Woman charged with stealing underwear, cheese

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Police in Winter Park said a man dressed as Elmo was attacked at a local music store on Saturday afternoon by a man who believed the Sesame Street character was a threat to him.

(Thanks to Sharon and Chuck Cody)

HARD TO BELIEVE THIS PLAN FAILED

A Cheyenne man who doused himself with white latex paint in hopes of avoiding a police Taser  was hit with the stun gun anyway.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOUR PERUVIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

Foes of a small-town mayor in Peru say they have dug up the skull of his late father and won't give it back unless he drops out of next month's election.

This has been Your Peruvian Political Update.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

OUR JUDICIAL ENDORSEMENT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you our judicial endorsement.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

'I'm in the back of a trash truck that keeps compacting me!'

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO CANADA

A 30-year-old British man was arrested Friday for buying a goldfish in a pet store and then gulping it down in front of the staff.

(Thanks to The Perts)

EW

LA HABRA, California -- "Octomom" Nadya Suleman's presumably well-broken-in nursing bra will be among the items up for bid at a planned auction-style rummage sale at her home.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Down here, we call this "passing."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THEN IT WILL GET ITS OWN REALITY SHOW

Lady Gaga Meat Dress To Become Jerky

(Thanks to Ralph)

 

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE THERE ARE ANCHOVIES

The Star Trek pizza cutter.

(Thanks to Suzie W. Wacvet)

CLIMATE BULLETIN FROM SAMOA

This just in.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'S ALREADY DATING A KARDASHIAN

TRENTON — A grandmother frying potatoes with her granddaughter reached into her a bag and found a spud with eyes, a nose and a chin like Jay Leno’s.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS IS COVERED UNDER OBAMACARE

WAUPUN — A 30-year-old man was taken to the hospital on Sept. 17 after he told employees at the Walgreens store in Waupun that vampires were trying to rip off his head.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU WANT EXPLODING FRIES WITH THAT?

Man settles lawsuit with McDonald's over exploding chicken sandwich

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE'RE SURE THEY DIDN'T MEAN IT IN A NEGATIVE WAY

Tattooed woman 'told to put bag over head by Jobcentre'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

 

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Jurassic Park, the Musical

(Thanks to RussellMc)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for Sea Snot.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THAT'S WHERE WE WOULD HAVE SENT THEM

Smelly, pesky bugs known as stink bugs have been swarming the Washington, D.C. area -- and when you try to kill them, they just smell worse.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CAN'T WE CALL JUST GET ALONG?

Nudists vs. Swingers

(Thanks to Siouxie and bonmot)

ADVISORY: Stark naked buttocks.

WHILE YOU ARE WORKING HARD AT WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO

A group of Australian app makers is raking in millions out of a simple yet addictive game where the main aim is to slice fruit with your finger.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

OOPS

A Taiwanese man who won a poster design competition to promote copyright protection has been stripped of his prize after he was exposed as a copycat, officials said Thursday.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PLEASE! CELEBRATE. RESPONSIBLY?

It's National Punctuation Day.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

What this country really needs is National Punctuate Like a Pirate Day.

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO...

...no, wait, never mind.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

TODAY'S CRICKET UPDATE

We regret that our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Today's Cricket Update.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

A WOMAN'S WORK IS NEVER DONE

A 37-year-old mother reportedly robbed a Grants Pass bank branch on Monday before picking up her two daughters from grade school on the way home.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

ONLY ONE OF WHICH IS PROTECTED BY THE CONSTITUTION

Springfield Police arrest teen for stealing toothpaste and carrying hand gun

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

WHO SAYS KARAOKE IS NOT A USEFUL SKILL?

...the top prize is one million Russian dumplings.

(Thanks to Ross, who notes that second prize is two million Russian dumplings.)

OMG

A British teenager has had her 15th birthday party cancelled after she accidentally invited 21,000 guests to her home via Facebook.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GOD HELP HIM WHEN HE GETS TO THE COSINE

A 10-year-old boy who ran away because he said he was having trouble with long division was found two hours later.

(Thanks to Chris Wiley)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY

We really, really cannot link to this.

(Thanks to everybody on the entire Internet)

ALLEY OOP

One man put a new twist on bestiality Sunday afternoon when he sexually assaulted a dinosaur - a large, plastic one - in a Chester County park, according to police.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

NEVER VENTURE INTO THE WOODS WITHOUT ONE

Mont. woman fends off bear attack with zucchini

(Thanks to Claire Martin, bonmot, Brian Pries, Andrew Hoenig, The Amazing Steve and Siouxie)

BUT LEGALLY THEY HAVE TO KNOCK FIRST

Police get search warrant for man’s rectum

(Thanks to John Regan)

UPDATE: Related item here.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IMPORTANT RESEARCH EFFORT

I'm working on an article for realcarguys.com. The title is "Worst Driving Songs Of All Time (So Far). First nomination: Eddie Rabbit's "Driving My Life Away."
Two rules: First, somebody has to LOVE the song. (Did Neil Diamond or Barry Manilow ever sing about driving?) Second, can't be hatin' just because it's country. Entries can come to either this email address or, preferably, worstdrivingsongssofar@gmail.
Thanks,
Mac Demere

 

This blog nominated "Beep Beep," the unbelievably annoying 1958 hit song by the Playmates, because (a) it is unbelievably annoying, and (b) just LOOK at the Playmates:

SOMEBODY'S SITTING DOWN VERY CAREFULLY

The red flags included $60,020 in bills for 85 hemorrhoidectomies Sachakov claimed he had performed on one unfortunate patient in 20 months.

(Thanks to queensbee)

THIS EPISODE OF SESAME STREET IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER 'C'

For cleavage.

Key Comment: "Elmo is naked. Completely naked."

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WHAT GUYS ARE ACCOMPLISHING WHILE WOMEN ARE FRITTERING AWAY THEIR TIME ON WORK, FAMILY, ETC.

Power Tool Drag Racing

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Anil Haji)

DUDE

Wanna buy some sneakers?

(Thanks to John Rhoads)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Jackson man arrested after attacking parrot

(Thanks to Allen at Division and catmanmax)

YEEPERS

An angler had a shock in the US - when a mystery fish bit him back with distinctly human-looking teeth.

(Thanks to Anil Haji and Siouxie)

BECAUSE THE NEXT STEP IS A TOTAL BREAKDOWN OF SOCIETY

A German restaurant operator has run into trouble with local tax authorities because he makes larger-than-average schnitzels.

(Thanks to queensbee)

WHICH IS WHY THIS BLOG DOES NOT WEAR THEM

High heels 'wasted on men'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SLUTS

A German study has found that European brown hares are capable of being pregnant twice at the same time, and can potentially be permanently pregnant.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

NO MENTION OF CATS

Possum throwing 'immoral'- SPCA

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

FROM THEIR CRACK MARKETING DEPARTMENT

KFC pays college women for ad space on buns

(Thanks to Martini Shark, Chuck Cody and Mark Schlesinger)

NO, PLEASE, LET HER IN!

Just don't let her back out.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GOOD TO KNOW

Prozac inhibits sex drive in fish

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW GOOD WERE THE BEATLES?

They were pretty good.