Dave Barry's Blog

HEY, IT'S MORE USEFUL THAN TRIGONOMETRY

NIRASAKI, Yamanashi -- An elementary school teacher here instructed his students to make a ransom note as part of their moral education, it has emerged.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WAIT... SO THERE'S A RIGHT CAR?

Man gets probation in wrong-car defecation

Key Quote: "This is your car?" Purifoy said before bolting the scene, according to documents filed in court. "I thought this was Desiree's car."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BECAUSE WE, AS A PEOPLE, ARE NOT PORKY ENOUGH ALREADY

Domino's Unveils Breakfast Pizza

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

Duo 'got to drinking,' ran naked past tigers

(Thanks to Lisa Stokely)

FORGET THE SEGWAY

You need a skateboard tank.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JERSEY CITY

A tough town.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Update: Milwaukee, too.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE SECRET TO IMMORTALITY

Happy Meals.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AS IF WE HAVEN'T ALL DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING

Police said a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., hid condoms inside acorns and handed them out to women in the state Capitol complex last week.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

Snooki Writing A Novel!

(Thanks to Mark Schlesigner)

BUT HE STILL HAS NO VISITORS

Man who fell into manure pit upgraded to good condition

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

 

YOUTH SPORTS: TEACHING IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS

Panic Erupts At Youth Football Practice When Cop Shoots Rabid Raccoon

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

It is so here.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Ireland Hunting Down Thousands of Escaped Minks

(Thanks to The Perts)

TODAY'S CULINARY UPDATE

You do not want to see Today's Culinary Update.

(Thanks to Amanda)

PROOF THAT UNIVERSITY RESEARCH TAKES PLACE ON MARS

Right here.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Matt Filar)

CANADA

Land of the Free

Key Quote: “How am I going to celebrate? I’m going to spank some ass,” Bedford, cracking a riding whip, told reporters.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

A GIANT BURRRPPP FOR MANKIND

Space beer headed for zero-gravity bar

(Thanks to Allen at Divison)

ATTENTION, LADIES:

He has a girlfriend, which means he's still single.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NEXT: JON HAMM

Artist Makes Kevin Bacon Statue Out of Bacon

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE BET

Giant beaver inspires new Loveland brewery's name

(Thanks to sandy)

ALSO THIS GUY

Property developer Cameron Hope has bricked up the front door of a Barclays branch in Bournemouth after being turned down for a business loan.

(Thanks to Steve [The Other Steve] Lancaster)

SEND HIM, TOO

A clown could be banned from standing for parliament in Brazil because critics complain that he can't read and write.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Monkeys on security duty at Commonwealth Games

(Thanks to The Perts)

STAND TALL, AMERICA

Once again we have the World's Fastest Lawnmower.

(Thanks to Michael Klees)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Squirrel blamed for massive blast that destroyed a home and injured several firefighters

(Thanks to funny man)

FUN GAL

A sensitive customer gets a tattoo.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

IN ILLINOIS, THEY CAN ALSO VOTE DEAD

"Voting is so easy you can literally vote naked in the privacy of your own home," says Kevin Hauswirth, Director of Advertising and Promotions at Roosevelt University,  who's helping to promote Vote Naked Illinois.

(Thanks to bonmot)

ADVISORY TO GUESTS AT THE VDARA HOTEL

Beware.

Key excerpt: Then he smelled an odor, and realized it was coming from his head...

JUST FOLLOWING THE TELEPROMPTER

Woman picks nose during CBS news broadcast

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

MINNIE WILL NOT BE PLEASED

"We send our managers to the Disney Institute for customer service. Think about it: They've been trained by Mickey Mouse."

(Thanks to nursecindy)

 

WE ARE SO DARNED PROUD

Cosmetic surgeons may be worrying about ­business dropping due to the recession, but one Miami-based surgeon is actually pinning his hopes on the market ‘bottoming’ out.

His name is Constantino Mendieta and he’s the inventor of the Miami Thong Lift, the latest way to a shapelier rear view, which was presented this week at the conference of British Aesthetic and Plastic surgeons (BAAPS) in London.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE DOWNSIDE: YOU CAN NEVER BE EXPOSED TO SUNLIGHT AGAIN

'Vampire facelift' uses patients' own blood

(Thanks to The Perts)

BASICALLY IT'S AN IQ TEST WITH ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES

Of course, when the men came calling for the cash, station brass explained that the offer was a practical joke, just a wacky radio stunt.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IMAGINE TRYING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO SOMEBODY IN 1983

New Twitter worm creates goat sex tweets

(Thanks to jon harris)

CSI: HALLOWEEN

Cattaraugus County man accused of stealing 130 pumpkins

(Thanks to Patrick McNelis)

WE IMAGINE THAT'S A RELIEF FOR THE SCHOOLS CHIEF

Schools chief Lackey stays on in Franklin County

(Thanks to jon harris)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Firm fined after dead mouse found in loaf of bread

(Thanks to Lord G)

HITTING THE ROAD

I set off, armed only with a photographer named Bruce, to see what adventures awaited me along Interstate 95, that vast, undulating ribbon of concrete that stretches down the East Coast, like some kind of vast undulating ribbon or something, connecting Maine with the Rickenbacker Causeway.

THESE KIDS TODAY

Car thieves caught because they can't drive stick

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IMPORTANT UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you this important update.

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

France's ex-justice minister Rachida Dati mixed up the words "fellatio" and "inflation" - which sound similar in French - during a TV interview.

(Thanks to wiredog)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using mayonnaise.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

KINKY

The Foot Thong.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TURN LEFT AT THE NEXT GOAT

You have arrived at your destination.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE BODY WAS FOUND WITH A HAIRBALL IN ITS THROAT

A mystery over who dyed a cat bright pink has been solved after the pet's owner admitted she dyed the animal to match her own hair.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DID SOMEBODY STEP IN SOMETHING?

"Let 'Er Buck" rodeo-themed cologne.

(Thanks to The Perts)

PUNCTUATION! UPDATE!

At least they knew that an apostrophe wasn't appropriate...

I snapped the attached pic of a Raleigh, North Carolina, taxi this morning, believing that you both might enjoy it.

Improper punctuation in signage has become so commonplace that it seldom seems noteworthy anymore.  It takes real imagination, courage, and creativity (that, or perhaps just shocking levels of ignorance) to come up with unusual errors, especially when the error involves apostrophes and nouns.  I believe this taxi is a real standout in the category of innovative use of possessive noun punctuation.

Thanks,

John Moore

 

BECAUSE THEY ALSO WEAR UNIFORMS AND BADGES

Longmont Man Says He Thought Officer Was A Zombie

(Thanks to Matthew Beuttner)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD

Naked woman bread and pig cake at Experimental Food Society 'spectacular'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE IMPORTANCE OF ADVERB PLACEMENT

Hi Dave,

Thought you would appreciate this sign we found posted at Kruger Mpumalanga International Airport in Nelspruit, South Africa.

It seemed like an effective use of elected officials until an anarchistic graffiti artist ruined it for everyone.

John Caden

Islamorada