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August 15, 2010

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE QUESTION IS

But fracking is not the answer.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Fewer French women dropping tops at beach

(Thanks to Ralph)

Update: Maybe there is hope.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

August 14, 2010

NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN THE AIRPORT SECURITY LINE, BEING HASSLED TO TAKE OFF YOUR BELT

...remember this story:

Not even old enough to get a driver's license, they took a taxi to the airport Tuesday, bought tickets with babysitting money and — unbeknownst to their parents, the three (ages 15, 13 and 11) — boarded a Southwest Airlines flight from Jacksonville to Nashville, according to a TV news account of the incident.

Nobody asked a question. Nobody asked for identification.

(Thanks to mm, who says, "I can't even fly my shampoo across country; this girl flies two of her friends.")

WE ASSUME THAT, AS AN ADDED PRECAUTION,THE CHILDREN WILL BE REQUIRED TO WEAR HELMETS

Under a restriction added this week to parade permits, Santa's elves will not be allowed to toss candy canes or other holiday goodies to children during the annual parade on Washington Avenue.

(Thanks to Mike Ricciardi)

IF, GOD FORBID, THE TERRORISTS STRIKE AGAIN

...there can be little doubt that their first target would be our vital maple-syrup industry.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

August 13, 2010

As a Miami-Dade County resident, I found this funny. Until I remembered this.

WE'RE NOT SURE WE WANT TO KNOW

Could a giant, spit-sniffing rat save your life?

(Thanks to bonmot)

YIKES

My computer, which receives orders from Mars, just displayed this message:

Initializing iframe_history.html failed. If you are using a cross-domain Dojo build, please save iframe_history.html to your domain and set djConfig.dojoIframeHistoryUrl to the path on your domain to iframe_history.html

MIAMI

A town like no other.

BOOMER THE DOG UPDATE

A judge has refused to let Boomer the Dog legally change his name to Boomer the Dog. This is an outrage, and we should protest via mass toplessness on August 22.

(Thanks to ArcticAl and Sharon)

WHEN THE CATS RISE UP AND KILL THESE PEOPLE

...nobody will wonder why.

Unhappycat0810
(Thanks to LM)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THERE'S NO DANGER THAT SOMEBODY WILL LEAVE THE LID UP

AKRON, Ohio -- An Ohio woman is scared to use her own bathroom because sewer rats are tunneling out of her toilet.

Toilet-rats-081110

(Thanks to MOTW)

BECAUSE THIS BLOG WANTS TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

...we are advising you that August 22 is National GoTopless Protest Day, which we know is totally legit because (1) It has a website (not safe for work) on the actual Internet, and (2) it is the idea of the Raelians, a lunatic cult spiritual organization that once claimed to have produced a human clone baby and believes that life on Earth was created by extraterrestrials.

The goal of GoTopless, as you might imagine, is to help women. "How are we helping women?" the website asks rhetorically. "GoTopless is committed to helping women perceive their breasts as noble, natural parts of their anatomy."

The website also asks "How are we helping men?" But that question is stupid.

(Thanks to Ellie Brecher)

August 12, 2010

'WRESTLED?'

A furious Windhoek woman who wrestled her husband’s testicles in a bid to wring them off appeared in the Katutura Magistrate Court on charges of assault with intent to cause bodily harm.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

FINE DINING IN DAVENPORT

DAVENPORT, Iowa — An Iowa restaurant owner said he'll pay a fine after his head chef was videotaped kissing and licking toads in the kitchen.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR...

FUKUOKA (Kyodo) -- Nishinippon Environment Energy Co., a Kyushu Electric Power Co. wholly owned subsidiary, said Wednesday it will start a power generation business in 2011 in southern India using chicken manure and woody biomass in conjunction with Indian business ally Orient Green Power Co.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HE'S A LOT FRIENDLIER WHEN HE'S DRINKING BEER

Albino python on cocaine confronts police

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SPEAKING OF NAMES THAT OUR STRICT POLICY PROHIBITS US FROM MAKING FUN OF:

Be advised that Inspector Dickie Panda is now a woman.

Insp_dickie_panda_europics

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE BET IT WAS 'TROUBLING' THEM

A mother of two boys reported a topless sunbather to police because the way she applied suntan lotion was "troubling" her sons.


Key Legal Defense: "Let's be clear my client is tall, brunette and has an ample breast and is therefore going to naturally be sensuous when she applies cream to her chest."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ON THE OTHER HAND, THEIR BATTERIES RUN DOWN FASTER, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT


iPhone users have had more sex partners than Android and BlackBerry users

(Thanks to bonmot, who sent it in with his iPhone)

AGRICULTURAL UPDATE

Inhaled pea sprouts in man's lung

(Thanks to Punkin and John Gregg)

Update: Here's another version.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT ETC.

We cannot etc.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

August 11, 2010

BOOK STRUMPETING REVISITED

Dave was interviewed by Craig Ferguson during his book tour. There was a slight delay in the airing of this segment, which was televised last night.

(Thanks to coastraven for the heads up)

SPEAKING AS A GUY WHO HAS SPENT MORE THAN 50 YEARS PLAYING GUITAR BADLY

I hate this kid.

(Thanks to Mr. Josh "Machine Gun" Kelly)

WHICH PUTS IT MILES AHEAD OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

Brainless slime mould makes decisions like humans

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT THREATENED

It's getting so that a man can't even legally change his name to Boomer the Dog.

20100810_lr_boomer_dog_3_500

(Thanks to Heather Lubay, who notes the B the D is single)

LAW ENFORCEMENT'S BEST ALLY

Sharp-eyed seniors.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Beer prices to surge

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: AUSTIN

There has been a rash of mannequin burglaries over the past several weeks.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

ALSO, HE WAS NOT WEARING PANTS

Grope Claim Against Donald Duck

(Thanks to Ralph)

August 10, 2010

IT HAS ALREADY REACHED WORLD 8 IN SUPER MARIO BROTHERS

Gorilla Steals Nintendo DS at San Francisco Zoo

Gorilla1

(Thanks to funnyman)

THIS JUST IN

Teen pulls out of virginity auction

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NO WORD YET ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Postal workers in Moose Jaw, Sask., are taking cover after hawks have started to dive-bomb them.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GUYS

They're all the same.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

UH-OH

Squid can fly.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WAIT... WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

Council says yes to rabbits and chickens

Key Highly Questionable Assertion: She said clearing out manure every couple of days guarantees there's no smell.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

POLITICAL UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

"I haven't been stroked down the front from a woman other than my wife for quite some time, actually."

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THERE IS A REMOTE POSSIBILITY THAT ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Fifth DUI for man on lawnmower


Lonnie_Michael_Haney_t160

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)

EERIE

A man was jailed by a Kemerovo region court on Thursday for assaulting a Gypsy fortune teller who predicted that he would be jailed.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ONE FOR MY BABY, AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

A man in the U.S. on a student visa was arrested at House of Blues after authorities say he urinated in two cups and put them on the bar.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS JUST IN FROM DOWN UNDER

Police find hard object in man's underpants

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

WE HOPE EVERYBODY INVOLVED IS WEARING A CONDOM

Here's NASCAR star Jeff Gordon promoting awareness of something by standing with a giant bacterium.

Jeff-Gordon-Bacteria

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

TODAY'S MEDICAL UPDATE FROM CHINA

Trust us: You really don't want to look at Today's Medical Update From China.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

UPDATE ON THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHO LEFT A PLANE, WITH A BEER, VIA AN EMERGENCY SLIDE AND IS FAST BECOMING A NATIONAL HERO

The story is getting quite a response. Most people seem to be on the side of the flight attendant, which I don't think is surprising. If you do much flying, you often see flight attendants dealing, usually quite patiently, with all kinds of obnoxious passenger behavior. A minor, but common, example: many people don't turn off their phones when they're asked to. This may be a silly rule -- I lack the technical expertise to judge -- but it is a rule, and the flight attendants have to enforce it. It's their job. Everyone knows this. And yet on pretty much every flight, you'll see people who keep right on talking after the please-turn-off-your-phone announcement. This means that the flight attendant has to come around and ask them (almost always politely) to turn the phone off. Often they respond with a dismissive wave, as if to say, "Not now! Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Which means of course that the flight attendant -- who really has other things to do -- has to ask them again to turn off the phone, and sometimes yet again. This sometimes causes these passengers to become surly, to hold a flight-long muttering grudge against this airline employee who is being so rude to a paying customer.

Just turn off your phone, jackass.

Yes, there are rude flight attendants, who probably should be in some other line of work. But for every one of those I've seen -- and I fly a lot -- I've seen hundreds of passengers who wouldn't know how to behave in a baboon troop, let alone a crowded airplane. This behavior is getting worse, but it's not new. Back in the pre-cellphone era I wrote a column about it, in which I fantasized about what kind of flight attendant I would be.

August 09, 2010

HAVING BEEN ON MANY FLIGHTS TO THE GREAT CITY OF NEW YORK...

...this blog can totally relate to this flight attendant.

(Thanks to Jay Shapiro)

NORTH CAROLINA

The Educatoin State

55443275
(Thanks to shtanga)

WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Churchgoers, strippers protest one another in Coshocton County

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WHEN TOOTING THE HORN IS NOT ENOUGH

...Jessica Hollis, 23, allegedly walked up to Melanie Campbell's car and smeared the contents of that dirty diaper all over Melanie's rear window.

(Thanks to bonmot and shtanga)

WEST VIRGINIA

It's for lovers.

(Thanks to Darrell, Gregory and bonmot)

AS IF THE SQUAREPANTS GUY MAKES PEOPLE SMARTER

Not to mention: Thundercats, HO!

 
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