Dave Barry's Blog

BREAKING SPORTS UPDATE

The 2010 Danish Rabbit-Hopping Championships

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

PROTECTION FOR THE WAND

Warner Bros. sues over Harry Popper condom

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

AND YET THIS COULD SAVE THE POSTAL SERVICE

Letter carrier charged with delivering cocaine

(Thanks to Michael McNelis)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE BOFFINS

Drinking wine makes you brainier, according to the latest research - and going on the wagon makes you stupider, at least in the case of women.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

WAIT... A KIDDY WHAT?

The water park is expected to be 45,000 square feet and will feature a teen-themed swim area, kiddy dump station, activity pool and a lazy river.

(Thanks to Scott Walker)

TROUBLE ON DICK WARD DRIVE IN FANNIE BAY

Witnesses said the woman took off all her clothes after she and another woman had a full-on fist fight over a man.

Key Questionable Assertion: It is unclear whether she was drunk.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Chuck Cody)

NORTH DAKOTA

Land of Excitement

(Thanks to Laura)

WHY WE ALWAYS TIP THE MIDWIFE

Police in southern Shenzhen City confirmed a patient's claim that her anus had been sewn by a midwife suspected of taking revenge during the patient's labor because she failed to receive a good tip.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

A QUESTION FOR PEOPLE WHO DESIGN INTERNET ADVERTISING:

When you create ads that not only block our view of whatever site we're trying to look at, but also move around so as to keep blocking our view, do you actually think we're going be receptive to whatever product or service you're trying to sell us? Do you think we go: "Wow! These people are really persevering in their efforts to prevent me from seeing what I am trying to see! I am favorably inclined to give them money!"?

Has it ever occurred to you that our reaction might be: "I would rather French-kiss a moray eel than purchase this service or product"?

Seriously, I'm asking.

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

The little furred bastards have attacked Iowa.

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS KNOWN AS 'GIRAFFE BUTT'

The authorities in southern Sudan have unveiled a $10bn (£6.4bn) plan to rebuild the region's cities in the shapes of animals and fruit.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHY THE iPHONE IS SO POPULAR

Productivity.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE

A Dundee bus driver has been accused of assaulting himself in the head with a rock...

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY WERE SUBDUED WITH PIZZA

Ten or more black bears found guarding B.C. pot farm

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and wiredog)

YOUR EVERETT, WASH., TRAFFIC REPORT

Nice-looking women in short shorts quickly complicated an otherwise ordinary four-car pileup this afternoon.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

STILL NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Radioactive boars on the rise in Germany

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ken Kelley)

WE HAVE NO COMMENT

A new McDonald's advert featuring Asterix the Gaul enjoying burger and fries with a Coke has sparked outrage in France.

Purists accuse the cartoon hero of "surrendering" to the American fast food chain, reports the Daily Telegraph.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

NO, YOU FOOLS!

Scottish Scientists Turn Whisky Into Biofuel

(Thanks to jon harris)

NEXT TARGET: THE GEICO GECKO

Prosecutors: Snooki's behavior criminally annoying

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW HE'S GOING TO APPEEL CSI: PORT ANGELES

Deputies arrest man in banana costume with shotgun

Key Very Surprising Quotation: "All we know is he was drinking earlier in the day."

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using Carpenters albums. It's only a matter of time before they escalate.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WHICH IS WHY SO MANY HAVE BEEN ELECTED TO CONGRESS

Mind-Controlling Parasites Date Back Millions of Years

(Thanks to catmanmax)

ALSO, WE ASSUME, LAVA LAMPS

Scientists Want to Bring Back LSD and Mushrooms

(Thanks to catmanmax)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"He's driving 'cause I had a little too much to drink. And he needs to learn how to drive sometime."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FOR THE RECORD, THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES...

...applies to bylines.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

Related business item here.

CSI: WAKE COUNTY

Bees trap deputy inside car for 3 hours

(Thanks to akubbs)

ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY MAY JUST BE THIRSTY

Beer-drinking Women May Be Courting Psoriasis

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Mitch)

IDAHO:

The 'We Don't Get Out Much' State

(Thanks to queensbee)

WE CALL THAT A ROUTINE BUSINESS TRIP

Tourist returns home after three months in airport

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

MULTI-TASKER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oklahoma City man exposes genitals, threatens Chili's customers and attempts to steal soda truck, police say

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

The Australian Sex Party

Advisory: Not totally safe for work.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WILDLIFE

He's a happy bear.

(Thanks to Steve [The Other Steve] Lancaster)

Related item here.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CLEAN-UP IN THE FOOD COURT

A group of Nederland mothers is speaking out in support of one of their own after the new mother said she was told to "wrap it up" while breastfeeding her infant inside the LoveSac store at the FlatIron Crossing mall last week.

The Nederland woman shared with friends that a store manager told her Thursday that LoveSac has a policy against breastfeeding and she needed to stop. Now the group of supporters is threatening to hold a "nurse-in" at the mall.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY REMOVE TONSILS

Weight-Loss Procedure Removes Stomach Through Mouth

(Thanks to catmanmax)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Paris Hilton to vigorously defend bad hair day

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

A NATION MOURNS

Two Tone, Britain's legendary carp, has carked it.

(Thanks to catmanmax, who says "We're gonna need a bigger jar of tartar sauce.")

TROUBLE IN NICEVILLE

Chickens stressed, eggless after forced move

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BMOOGLE

The Blog will probably not be invited to host Shark Week.

THEY NEED TO INSTALL EMERGENCY ESCAPE SLIDES AT STARBUCKS

"I yelled, 'I want my multigrain bagel!' " Rosenthal said.

"The barista said, 'You're not going to get anything unless you say butter or cheese!' "

(Thanks to bonmot)

LEGAL POINT OF THE DAY SO FAR

Mr Pabwe ruled that the mere fact that Mhanda told a healer that his mother had given him a snake was not enough to convict him.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

IN THAT CASE, NO PROBLEM!

Cops: Minn. guy going 178 in Corvette was drunk

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

BECAUSE ETC.

We etc.

(Thanks to queensbee)

CHINA: LAND OF WACKY FUN

Park officials in China have found a way to stop people from hogging their benches for too long - by fitting steel spikes on a coin-operated timer.

If visitors at the Yantai Park in Shangdong province, eastern China, linger too long without feeding the meter, dozens of sharp spikes shoot through the seat.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CRIME IN CANADA, II

Nearly naked biker arrested in Hamilton, charged with failing to wear helmet

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND THAT DOG TO WASHINGTON

The dog really did eat the homework, or, in this case, the petition a South Carolina man was going to file to run for school board.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CRIME IN CANADA

“It’s not every day you get a 75-year-old male on a walker holding up a bank.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

REST EAST, AHWATUKEE

The runaway heifer has been captured.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

STIMULUS PACKAGE

The Czech Republic has considered allowing North Korea to repay debts with tonnes of aphrodisiac ginseng roots.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE ARE NOT SURPRISED

Tila Tequila: Insane Clown Posse fans tried to kill me at concert

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BREAKING ADVERTISING NEWS

NAD also observed that in the advertiser’s commercials, which feature animated bears, a bear has numerous pieces of toilet paper left behind prior to using the advertised product, but is toilet paperfree after using the product.