Dave Barry's Blog

HE IS OF COURSE WELCOME ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

Motorcyclist Michael Wiles fined after nabbed carrying a barbecue on freeway

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOUR DAILY SNOOKI UPDATE

Allegedly, the anxious folks at these various luxury houses are all aggressively gifting our gal Snookums with free bags. No surprise, right? But here's the shocker: They are not sending her their own bags. They are sending her each other's bags! Competitors' bags!

Can you even believe it?!? (!)

This has been Your Daily Snooki Update.

(Thanks to Clay Schlucter)

TEXAS

The "We'll Eat Any Damn Thing If It's Fried" State

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Police in Salt Lake City said they arrested a mortgage company employee alleged to have drunkenly opened fire on his company's computer server.

(Thanks to Ralph)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Accused drunk man jailed after arguing with bike; argument winner unclear

(Thanks to Ralph)

SHEBOYGAN WOMEN

Don't mess with them.

THANK GOD HE DIDN'T HAVE BASEBALL CARDS

A Japanese man has admitted to burning down his family home after his mother threw away some of his favourite robot toys from the "Gundam" animation series.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CSI: MARTIN COUNTY

'Dancer/housewife' busted after deputies see bag fall from 'genital area'

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NOW THEY'RE FULLY PREPARED FOR THE REAL THING

About 10:35 a.m., Arnold Morris, 76, was practicing what to do in case of a robbery with Patricia, his wife of 54 years, Brevard County Sheriff’s Office Lt. Linda Moros said.

During the robbery scenario, he shot her in the chest with a .380-caliber pistol, Moros said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHICH WILL IN TURN BE EATEN BY TAXPAYER-SUPPORTED CATS

Council builds £190,000 bridges for mice

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and [it goes without saying] catmanmax))

THERE'S BIG MONEY IN BEING DEAD

First this, and now this.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

JUSTICE

Woman ordered to pay damages to neighbor over noise from hitting futons

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THE NEWS FROM PHUKET

You got your goose-torcher, you got your psychic female-sexual-organ tree... Otherwise not much happening in Phuket.

(Thanks to Carlton Banks)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Officers found Hamilton to have her pants unbuttoned with a female sex toy in her lap. She told officers she had been using the toy while driving, as well as watching a video on a computer her passenger was holding. It is not clear what the nature of that video was.

Hamilton was also found to be in possession of a broken crack pipe.

(Thanks to Kevin Conwell)

GOOD GIRL!

A Labrador that ate a beehive containing pesticides and thousands of dead bees won an award on Monday that recognized the most unusual pet health insurance claim in the United States.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

YET ANOTHER BENEFIT OF ALCOHOL

BERLIN - A Polish man living in Germany went about his business for about five years without noticing he had been shot in the head because he was drunk when it happened.

(Thanks to Mark)

OFFENSIVE LINEPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Responding officers ordered 19-year-old Tyler Patrick Thomas of Kalispell, Mont., to get on the ground, Lt. Tim Brewer said.

Thomas refused and instead dropped into a three-point stance like a football player and lunged at the officers, Brewer said.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes and Catherine, who says, "I can't believe the three-point stance didn't work.")

Possible Explanation: He was offside.

'I FELT THIS HORRIBLE, SLIMY THING UNDERNEATH MY BODY'

Banana-hating woman diagnosed with bananaphobia

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PLUS MILEAGE

A Las Vegas man has filed a $38 quadrillion complaint against an Alpine attorney.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THERE IS NO GOD

'Jersey Shore's' Situation to earn $5 mil in 2010

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INCREDIBLY, IT APPEARS THAT ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

According to police reports, the officer followed Pleban, 19, to the corridor leading to the church’s back door where he proceeded to urinate on the building. The officer reportedly identified himself as police and asked if the male knew he was urinating on the Methodist church.

According to police reports, it was apparent Pleban did not know what he was doing, but he replied, “I’m Catholic.”

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND YET SNOOKI IS A FREE WOMAN

A New Orleans woman was jailed for ten days after she went to court in low-riding shorts which revealed her underwear.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

R.I.P., DUDE

Feds seize marijuana concealed in tombstone

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

First this; now this.

(Thanks to Steve Pflaum)

Update: And now this.

(Thanks to cyberick and MP)

DUDE

Wanna go for a drive?

(Thanks to The Perts)

VACATION HIGHLIGHTS

One might think that the s.b., rarely traveling to places like China or South Africa, would have little to share in the way of fascinating vacation photos. One would be correct. However, that has not stopped us so far.

In Atlanta, we too saw big game:

...and typical villages...

...learned about the local economy...

 

...and found out some traditional southern child-rearing practices.

BACK TO SCHOOL

This one's for all the mommies and daddies out there...*sniffle*

GREAT FALLS SOCIAL NOTE

Pig wrestling canceled after animals elude capture

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WAKE UP, IT'S TIME TO PEE / IN ZERO GRAVITEEEEEE

...NASA is inviting the public to take part in a "Wake-up Song Contest" to select songs from a list of the Top 40 previous wake-up calls for the penultimate mission or to submit original tunes for consideration for the final shuttle flight...

(Thanks to Marc and Joe in Japan) (We don't mean that Marc and Joe are both in Japan. You know what we mean.)

DUDE

TURTLECREEK TWP., Warren County — An 85-year-old man accused of trying to bring marijuana to his grandson in jail recently was an eye opener for prison officials...

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

IF THIS DOESN'T GET THE STATE BACK ON TRACK, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Earlier this month, Harry Mortenson, D-Las Vegas, submitted a bill draft request for the 2011 Legislative session for a resolution that asserts while the preferred pronunciation of the state's name is "Ne-VAD-a," pronouncing it "Ne-VAH-da" is also acceptable.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody [pronounced co-DEE])

OR, AS WE CALL IT IN MIAMI, 'RUSH HOUR'

MAINTENANCE work, wrecks and broken down cars caused a nine-day traffic jam in China...

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and bonmot)

AS FORETOLD IN THE LEGEND

Gator crawls out of Queens drain

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY WILL ALSO RECEIVE COMPLIMENTARY FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

The Minneapolis city attorney's office has decided to pay seven zombies and their attorney $165,000.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

HOLD THE FITNESS

Gym Mixes Vodka With Fitness

(Thanks to Michael McNelis)

WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO DO FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING, OR FOR THAT MATTER EVER...

...is click here.

Seriously.

(Thanks to Pat Myers)

IT'S CALLED 'BEING A TEENAGER'

Most teenagers exhibit a personality disorder

(Thanks to Bruce)

BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN PUT THERE BY A BABOON

The French Coastguard has checked out a report of a crocodile in the English Channel and announced it was actually a piece of driftwood.

(Thanks to Ralph, who, to his credit, did not take the low road by suggesting that the French coast guard surrendered to the driftwood)

EVEN THE IMAGINARY ONES CAN BE DANGEROUS

Police in the St. Louis suburb of Florissant spent a big part of the day looking for a baboon on the loose. A grade school went into lockdown. A woman scattered potato chips on the ground and made monkey sounds to try and lure the primate. But in the end, a 14-year-old girl admitted it was all a hoax after the picture she claimed to have snapped proved to be one she actually found on the Internet.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

ADVICE TO FREDERICK, MD., RESIDENTS:

If you owe Raymond Reeder money, pay it.

(Thanks to Kurt in Maryland)

NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Hung parliament likely outcome of election

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHY THIS BLOG DID NOT GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL

"I once retrieved a plastic helicopter from a child's nose."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

8:00PM: HEROIN

"7:00pm -- People are arriving, take their coats, get them a drink, all that good stuff.

"7:50pm -- Show David's leadership House Party video."

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Goat chases builders from third floor flat

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SEEMS FAIR TO THIS BLOG

A 96-year-old man in the Turkish town of Cankiri surprised a politician soliciting his vote for constitutional reform by demanding a wife in return.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys have common sense.

(Thanks to Damon Daniels)

OUR THEORY: SQUIRRELS ARE EATING IT

Moon is shrinking, say astronomers

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HEY, IT'S A BETTER INVESTMENT THAN THE STOCK MARKET

BAY COUNTY - A man being booked into jail gained another charge when detention officers found dollar bills falling out of his posterior.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, Matt Filar and Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN burrppp TIME

Girdles for men.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Authorities said a western New York man whose license expired 33 years ago has been charged with driving while intoxicated after police said he drove a van 11 miles without one of its tires.

(Sent in by many people)