Dave Barry's Blog

SURE!

Because everyone carries gum in a plastic baggie.

WE HOPE IT'S 'SMITH'

Hoomanawanui making a name for himself

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

WE'RE ON HER SIDE

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A local woman throws a chunk of concrete at a man's head during an argument over beer.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

RUSSIAN WATERSPORTS UPDATE

LOSEVO, Leningrad Oblast — Adrenaline-addicts from the city and beyond competed in a three-minute wet and wild ride on inflatable women from sex shops in the eighth annual Bubble Baba Challenge at the Losevo Rapids on the Vuoksa River, about 80 kilometers northwest of St. Petersburg.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE MOVIE THIS YEAR FEATURING SUNNY DEOL, AMISHAPATEL AND AMRISHPURI...

,,,make it this one.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CUTE COUPLE

Snooki's boyfriend of two weeks, Jeff Miranda, proposes on the cover of New Jersey tabloid 'Steppin' Out.' Radaronline.com has the photo and excerpts from the interview.

"I want us to be together forever," Jeff reportedly tells the magazine. "I could see us having children. I want to pop the question to her. If we got married we would be the best parents around. She's so loving and puts everyone else before her self. She'll be a great mother."

The 24-year-old Iraq veteran has a history of domestic violence as one of his exes was granted a restraining order after he allegedly beat and threatened to kill her.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FISH HAVE STOCKS?

MAN EATING GIANT SQUID DEVOURING FISH STOCKS

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

On Sunday morning, just after midnight, an Oregon State Police trooper says he spotted a man standing in the eastbound lane of Highway 224, about 15 miles east of Estacada. The man had his pants down around his ankles and was mooning the trooper's approaching patrol car.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ALASKAN WATERSPORTS UPDATE

Mush!

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ROMANTIC SWITZERLAND

Prostitution has become such a problem in Switzerland that Zurich officials have made proposals to add "sex boxes" to the city.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for the Surfing Nuns.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ARKANSAS SOCIAL NOTE

6 Arrested After Gunfire At Baptism Party

Key Excerpt: Police were dispatched to the Progressive Men's Club at 2 a.m. Saturday after a caller reported gunfire.

Questions:

-- The Progressive Men's Club?

-- 2 a.m.?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Horace LaBadie)

TIME FOR A FEDERAL BAN

Yard sale shopper clobbers another with a cornbread pan in Sonora

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT TO ARGUE WITH MEDICAL SCIENCE

Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers, Study Finds

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, akubbs and Jack Brown)

WHY WE LOVE MIAMI

It's a wild town.

THE FORECAST FROM GREAT BRITAIN

Sounds painful.

(Thanks to Joe Wesley)

THE MANY USE'S OF THE APOSTROPHE

It is time once again for "Ask Mister Language Person," the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.

(Also, this.)

WAIT UNTIL THEY GET HOLD OF CRACK

Drunk baboons plague Cape Town's exclusive suburbs

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THANKS GOODNESS FOR OUR STRICT ETC.

Otherwise etc.

Bonus: He's a "junior."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AND SOME DAY, YOU'LL BE SOLD IN A GARAGE SALE

Music lovers can now be immortalised when they die by having their ashes baked into vinyl records to leave behind for loved ones.

(Thanks to Sean)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE THE INTERNET

Wandering goat in Missouri gets Facebook fan page

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO ABOUT AGRICULTURE THIS YEAR

...make it this one.

(Thanks to mcouhig)

TIT FOR TAT RELIGION UPDATE

The strippers, fueled by Cheetos and nicotine, are protesting a fundamental Christian church whose Bible-brandishing congregants have picketed the club where they work. The dancers roll up with signs carrying messages adapted from Scripture, such as "Do unto others as you would have done unto you," to counter church members who for four years have photographed license plates of patrons and asked them if their mothers and wives know their whereabouts.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

DUH

Ogling women a natural reflex

(Thanks to John Vecchione)

THE RUNNER-UP WAS STALIN

PERTH, Australia — A Catholic school has apologized to parents offended by a boy pretending to be Adolf Hitler winning first place in his class at a school costume contest, the West Australian newspaper reported.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THEY POSED A CLEAR MILITARY THREAT

A FRENCH farmer is suing his country's Ministry of Defence claiming low-flying fighter jets killed 4,800 of his CHICKENS.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

MIAMI TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

They're not like your town's tourist attractions.

WE HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME REACTION TO JERSEY SHORE

An Ewa Beach man is claiming he is unable to bathe, dress himself or wake up in the day due to alleged "phenomena of psychological dependence and addiction" to a video game created by a South Korean developer.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO LAKESIDE, CAL.

'Beer belly pageant' canceled

(Thanks to Ralph)

IS THAT ANYWHERE NEAR THAT TWILIGHT HIGH SCHOOL?

A tourist strolling on a beach in Washington state discovered a human foot Friday, the ninth to wash up on the West Coast in the last three years.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DOWN HERE, WE JUST DRINK IT OURSELVES

Canadians are feeding wine to their cattle.

Key Quote: "It definitely changes their personalities. They moo a lot more with each other."

(Note: This quote refers to the cows, not the Canadians.) (As far as we know.)

(Thanks to The Perts and bonmot)

SOMETIMES THIS IS TOO EASY

A Venezuelan politician is offering breast implants as a prize in a raffle to raise funds for his parliamentary election campaign.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR

British Airways apologized to passengers after an emergency message warning they were about to crash into the sea was played by mistake.

(Thanks to RussellMc, Bill Hudgins and Corey Smith)

'WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF POWER! QUICK, DRINK THIS BEER!'

Urine-powered fuel cells.

(Thanks to bonmot)

FORTUNATELY FOR SHAKESPEARE, HE'S DEAD

The Washington Shakespeare Company, that Arlington outpost of offbeat treatments of classic plays, is going where no D.C. enterprise has ever quite gone before, offering up a whole evening of Shakespeare -- in Klingon.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

PLEASE APPROACH THE BENCH

Boob defense wants murder trial moved

(Thanks to Guin)

WE'VE HAD THAT ENTREE

Gas leak evacuates Mexican restaurant

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

GERMANS: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

A website advertising a new restaurant in Germany has called for humans to donate body parts for the menu causing outrage.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

In a major breakthrough for robot technology, a team of experts from a major US university have taught a robot how to pair socks.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

WE THINK WE'RE WITH THE FASCISTS ON THIS ONE

74-year-old defies topless ban

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF THIS IS ALLOWED TO CONTINUE, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON

Everybody's mad for nanna knickers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER RE-SEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

Live Tiger Cub Found in Luggage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OUR STRICT ETC.

Etc.

(Thanks to Kathryn)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Bear invades Trapper Creek pizzeria, spills beer everywhere

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

MR. SUAVE

Cops: Man used his 1 call in jail to phone and threaten woman

(Thanks to Betsy, who says, "It doesn't sound like they're legally married, ladies, so we still have a chance.")

KAYAKING: TOUGHER THAN FOOTBALL?

Race officials said Pennington arrived at the Lexington, Mo., checkpoint and reported that he was dizzy and could not continue after being smacked in the head by the carp.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

SCIENCE FACTS YOU CAN USE

Chinstrap and Adélie penguins generate considerable pressures to propel their faeces away from the edge of the nest. The pressures involved can be approximated if the following parameters are known: (1) distance the faecal material travels before it hits the ground, (2) density and viscosity of the material, and (3) shape, aperture, and height above the ground of the orificium venti. With all of these parameters measured, we calculated that fully grown penguins generate pressures of around 10 kPa (77 mm Hg) to expel watery material and 60 kPa (450 mm Hg) to expel material of higher viscosity similar to that of olive oil.

Related scientific item here.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER STEAK

A 27-pound puffball mushroom.

(The dog is thinking, "Get that thing away from me.")

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GUYS IN ACTION

When police talked to Newton, he said that about midnight on July 24, a bat had come into his home and "attacked" his wife, the complaint said. Newton said he got his gun and fired several times at the bat, eventually wounding it.

"Newton told police that he had the presence of mind to have his wife go upstairs while he shot at the bat, but apparently gave no consideration to the surrounding townhomes," the complaint said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

RELIGION UPDATE FROM SWEDEN

Whoa.

This has been your Religion Update From Sweden.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)