Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, WOULD-BE-AUTHORS:

My brother Sam Barry and his lovely wife Kathi Goldmark will be talking about their excellent book Write That Book Already at 7:30 tonight at the Lincoln Center Barnes and Noble in New York City. If you've thought about writing a book -- And who has not? -- Sam and Kathi can give you much practical, real-world information.

If you go, please tell them hi for me, and remind Sam that although he is more talented, I am better-looking.

HEY, WE'VE HOISTED A FEW AT THAT HOUR -- DOES THAT MAKE US PROFESSIONAL?

Poland's professional vodka tasters take job seriously with shifts starting at 6am 

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

GIORGIO ARMANI

Style, personified.

Advisory: Do not click during breakfast.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away the fundamental human right to dress in lettuce.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GIVE IT UP

...for Melon Chaos.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS JUST IN

Twenty-Year-Old SoCal Resident Has Longest Tongue In The U.S.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Pigeons force Kings of Leon to flee Verizon stage

(Thanks to Deb in Rochester, Ralph, Greg Snow and Chuck Cody, who notes that the Kings of Leon are not Ozzy Osbourne)

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS

Finger in Butt Crack Sparks Knife Fight

(Thanks to Josh)

ME AND AN ELEPHANT NAMED NIGHT SHIFT

Details here.

WE PRAY THAT IT WON'T BE TELEVISED

Naked cow folk to duel in court

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Do-it-yourself tattooing.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

How to open a wine bottle with a shoe.

CAUTION: French.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

A small crack in a fermentation vat at the Okanagan Springs Brewery in Vernon, B.C., may be to blame for a creamy beer bomb that blew more than 32-thousand litres of fermented foam across a downtown street.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now: Toilets.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Pantsless Burglar Caught On Tape

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP THIS MADNESS

The six-blade razor.

(Thanks to Guin)

THIS IS PRETTY FUNNY VERY WRONG

INDIA'S Supreme Court criticised the country's Census for grouping housewives with prostitutes, beggars and prisoners in the survey's "economically non-productive" category, The Times of India reported overnight.

(Thank to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING

"Oh my God, it's a double complete rainbow."

(Thanks to Matthew Pardon, who actually posted this)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this Colorado resident.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HANG ON, WE'LL CHECK... NOPE, NOT THIS BLOG

Several large images of a man's penis with a yellow bow tied around it have been taken down from car parks and places close to schools in Lewes.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THANK GOD SOMEBODY IS CRACKING DOWN

Don't roll your eyes in Elmhurst.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HEY, VANDALS:

Let's see you steal this.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HEY, HE NEEDS TO EAT, TOO

A Long Island bank was held up by Darth Vader.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "Luke, I am your robber.")

A FLORIDA LICENSE

...is on the way

.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHY CANADA HAS A 911 LINE

A 33-year-old resident of Lundar, Manitoba is facing numerous charges after allegedly making a series of 911 calls which included demanding RCMP officers somehow bring the National Hockey League back to the province.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM

Dear Dave,
I don’t know if this was previously reported.  I watched “G.I. Joe:  Rise of the Cobra” last night, and Marwan was in it.  I’m sorry to report that not only is he still a bad guy, but he is now working undercover in the White House as the President of the United States.  On the bright side, maybe this will be just cause for Jack to come out of hiding.
Always on Alert,
Sharon Lurie

GUYS IN ACTION

Clyde Armstrong said he was not happy about the way his power company trimmed the trees on his property, so he decided to tackle the job himself.

What could possibly go wrong?

(Thanks to Jersey Jeff)

BEMIDJI, MINN.

A town that loves art.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHEN PEOPLE TELL THIS BLOG THAT THERE IS NO QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT ON YOUTUBE

This blog begs to differ.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO IN

Woman Robs McDonald's Wearing Underwear as Mask

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE NOT SAYING IT'S RIGHT

We're just saying.

(Thanks to Ronzo)

FETCH THE HANDBASKET

Cops: Man uses crucifix to break into donation box

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

CANADIAN UPDATE

Things are out of control.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

Update.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SORRY, LADIES

He has a girlfriend.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

A GUY TRIES TO START A SMALL BUSINESS...

...and The Man shuts him down.

(Thanks to many people)

LADIES:

Maybe he's single.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

DO NOT TRY THIS IN MIAMI UNLESS YOU'RE DRIVING AN ARMORED CAR

Road-rage incident turns messy when irate driver flings Sonic milkshake

"She hailed the other driver by swearing and used a single digit to underscore her point."

(Thanks to PhilinTexas)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now: Shampoo.

(Thanks to bonmot and  catmanmax)

THE FIRST RULE OF ROAD-LINE PAINTING

Avoid the badger.

Related item here.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for the Hefty Marmots.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FUN COUPLE

REIDSVILLE, N.C., July 21 (UPI) -- Police in North Carolina said they arrested a man who allegedly loaded his gun with a wad of toilet paper and shot his wife in the back.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

WHEN CANADIANS ACCUSE AMERICANS OF BEING VIOLENT

We reply: At least we don't assault our women with poutine.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bedbugs.

(Thanks to Maria McLeese)

LOIS THE CORPSE FLOWER UPDATE

She's coming out of her shell.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HEY, THE GUY WAS ASKING FOR IT

Police arrested a man who they said punched another man who refused to hug him.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS EXPLAINS SO MANY THINGS

The Internet is made of cats.

(Yes, this is old. That is the fault of the cats.)

(Thanks to humeri)

BUSINESS NEWS

This just in.

(Thanks to Jeff Kleinman)

FIRE UP THE COAL-POWERED LAVA LAMP

Elderly woman receives surprise package in the mail, $2,400 worth of marijuana

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: WATERLOO

Man Caught, On Security Camera, Trying To Steal Security Camera

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE OTHER TWO ARE PASSED OUT

One in three men 'frightened' by their partner's driving

(Thanks to Matt Filar)