Dave Barry's Blog

ENJOY IT, TAXPAYERS! YOU PAID FOR IT.

The Chevy Volt Dance

(Thanks to CJrun)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

 Investigators have caught up with the repentant, would-be thief who was caught on tape as the manager of a cellphone store talked him out of robbing her, saying he should seek Jesus instead.

Broward sheriff's deputies say the man, now identified as Israel Camacho, 37, of Coral Springs, apologized profusely and left empty-handed -- but later strolled into a Payless shoe store a few miles away and robbed it at gunpoint.

On his way out the door last Friday, he said to his victims, ``God bless you.''

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Naked woman falls through roof

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ATTENTION, FROZEN-MOUSE OWNERS

There has been a recall.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

SPEAKING OF GREAT FOOD IDEAS:

Over in England, they're eating squirrels. But not everybody is happy about it.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig and queensbee)

YUCK YUM

Candwich -- the sandwich in a can!

(Thanks to Larry Martell and ScottMGS)

CANCEL THE CAKE

Tokyo's 'oldest man' had been dead for 30 years

(Thanks to JP)

A LOT OF THINGS ARE ILLEGAL IN NEW YORK

Tragically, this is not one of them:

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Horace LaBadie and The Perts)

THIS WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE HIM

Naked trampoline man avoids jail sentence

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY THOUGHT OF THIS EARLIER

Commutapult.

(Thanks to lairbo)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

High School Cheerleader Tackles Thief

Key Quote: "I was in a strapless dress, yes."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CANADA

No Fun At All.

(Thanks to The Perts)

UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT ETC.

...we cannot etc.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

JUST LIKE ME

Approximately 8,500 years ago, in what archeologists now call The Sixties, I played in a band called the Federal Duck. We were a bunch of guys from Haverford College who played all over the Philadelphia area at all kinds of functions -- dorm mixers, frat parties, weird Sixties events involving not entirely legal activities and substances, etc. The song we always played first was "Just Like Me," the hit by Paul Revere and the Raiders, which was a great opener because (a) it has only four chords, the sequence of which never changes, and (b) it kicks ass.

Years later, as a columnist at the Miami Herald, I got into a mail correspondence with Mark Lindsay, who was the lead singer for Paul Revere and the Raiders before embarking on a solo career that continues to this day. He's a funny man, and we stayed in touch, off and on. A couple of days ago he emailed to say that he'd be performing Thursday night at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino as part of the Happy Together Tour, an oldies revue that also features Micky Dolenz, the Buckinghams, the Grass Roots, the Turtles, and a killer backup band. Mark asked if I'd be interested in getting on stage with him for "Just Like Me." Of course I said yes. Here's the video. (Thanks to judi.) I'm the guy in the brown T-shirt trying to remember what order the four chords go in. Note the psychedelic pattern being projected behind the band to indicate grooviness.

Anyway, I had a great time. For a few minutes there, I felt as if I was back in the Sixties. All that was missing was a frat boy vomiting on my amp.

But seriously, Mark: Many thanks, and rock on.

ALTHOUGH WE DON'T ALWAYS PRONOUNCE THE WORDS RIGHT

Drinkers Have Better Vocabularies

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE FRANKLY CANNOT BELIEVE THIS PLAN FAILED

Man tries to cash forged check for one million dollars at a bank's drive-through window

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THERE'S ALSO A LIPOSUCTION OPTION

Nissan to pump breathable vitamin C into car to help moisturise driver's skin

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

SCIENCE (burrppp) BULLETIN

Beer laced with cheese helps sexual performance

(Thanks to nursecindy)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Mechanics found a cheeseburger in the gas tank of a Rock Hill woman’s car, police say.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

PLAN B: CONDOMS

France starts feeding pigeons contraceptives

(Thanks to catmanmax, who wonders whether this would work with squirrels)

JUSTICE

Md. man sentenced for stealing library's tarantula

(Thanks to bonmot and Guin)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY COMMISSION' DOES NOTHING

Man burns prosthetic leg with crack pipe

(Thanks to Nancy Coan, nursecindy and Chuck Cody)

THIS BLOG'S ADVICE:

Start drinking now.

(Thanks to Mr. Jeff Arch)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO REMAIN INDOORS

An Austrian hiker has been hospitalised after being hit by a falling mountain goat.

(Thanks to Sean O.)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

A Salem man was charged last week with indecent exposure after police found him naked in the "touch free" stall of a car wash on Main Street.

(Thanks to jon harris)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

A West Seneca man who fell asleep in his recliner with his gun in his lap late Monday night accidentally shot himself in the hand and leg, according to West Seneca police.

(Thanks to Micahel McNelis)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Lawnmower on a stick.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

CAN THIS CONCEPT BE APPLIED TO BEER?

The food printer.

(Thanks to Michael)

OUR MONEY'S ON THE MOLLUSK

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vs. Paul the Psychic Octopus.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHERE WILL IT END?

Yet another burrito assault.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NO JURY IN THE LAND WILL CONVICT HIM

'Vuvuzela-maddened' man rams bar with car

(Thanks to Jim Banholzer)

YOU KNOW DONALD TRUMP HAS ONE

The trapped-Han-Solo Star Wars desk.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

MEDICAL UPDATE

Is there anything it can't do?

(Thanks to The Perts and Ross Marks)

THAILAND TRAVEL ADVISORY

Good advice for anywhere, really.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE ASSUME SHE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

The Florida Highway Patrol said about 4 p.m. the woman got out of her car, jumped on another driver's car and flashed the driver.

(Thanks to Kay Myers)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Woman loses shirt after stealing pants

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BASEBALL

Not for sissies.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS JUST IN

Big Bone Lick State Park in Boone County will be receiving some improvements.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE ASSUME IT HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

Boa constrictor barricades itself in Covina family's car

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

UPDATE: They're everywhere!

Serpent imprisons rattled Yorkshire family

Shocked housewife discovers a 5ft-long SNAKE in her washing machine

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: Chicken feathers.

(Thanks to bonmot)

THE FUTURE

It is looking bright.

Key Quote: "The police  showed up after a few minutes and basically congratulated us on being awesome."

(Thanks to Ralph)

'POSSIBLY?'

The Jenolan Caves near the Blue Mountains west of Sydney is about to become possibly the first tourist attraction in the world to launch tours in the fictional Star Trek language of Klingon.

(Thanks to Michael)

DUH

By around six months human infants start to babble and, depending on the sociability of the individual, this spontaneous chattiness may continue into adulthood. This is more likely to happen in females than males.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THERE IS NOTHING EXCITING TO DO IN CANADA

This blog retorts: Eh?

(Thanks to The Perts)

BREATHE EASY, AMERICA

They got the Panty-Faced McDonald's Burglar.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Jeff Meyersn)

CSI: SWISSVALE

Police: Man robs bank in clown pants, fake breasts

(Thanks to Karen Bridgers and Chuck Cody)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

Angry cows attack walkers in French Pyrenees

(Thanks to Michael)

THIS IS WRONG

But funny.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

COOL

Lightning, slowed down.

(Via Gizmodo)

BETTER LOOKING THAN HIS BROTHER

We report; you decide.

(Suggested by Gregg Geil, and by the s.b., who always reads this one first to the uninitiated, especially if they are middle-schoolers)