Dave Barry's Blog

I'm heading to Cape Town, South Africa today, although I won't actually get there today, as it is a fairly long flight, the kind of flight where after a dozen hours or so in the air you say to yourself, "How the hell can this thing stay up this long? Maybe I should have three or four more glasses of wine."

Anyway, if I ever get there, I'll resume blogging in a day or so, although it may be sporadic. I'm assuming they have the Internet in Cape Town. I know for a fact that they have penguins, and you rarely find one without the other.

Mrs. Blog, who is already there, informs me that they definitely have shopping, so: yikes.

Update: I wrote this at the airport in Atlanta, where I'm catching a connecting flight. I just looked at the blog mail and found that Ron Barrett had sent in an item that begins:

ATLANTA -- A flight bound for North Carolina was forced to return to the gate in Atlanta after passengers noticed maggots falling from an overhead bin.

So I'm thinking maybe I need to carry on an umbrella.

ATTENTION, GUYS WHO THROW THINGS INTO URINALS THAT DON'T BELONG IN URINALS (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE):

You're not just gross; you're stupid.

(Thanks to James Tokarz)

TIME FOR A FEDERAL BAN

Woman accused of toilet lid attack

(Thanks to catmanmax)

AND YET FOR YEARS HE GOT AWAY WITH NOT WEARING PANTS

Donald Duck Arrested for Driving Drunk

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: a drainpipe.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FUN, YET TASTEFUL

A bouncy Titanic.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

BOTH THE WOMAN AND THE VAMPIRE WILL RECEIVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Woman says she crashed while trying to avoid vampire

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Don Faber)

SOME HEADLINE WRITER WAITED HIS ENTIRE LIFE

...for this story.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

EVERYTHING IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL

Turns Out Women Can Often Beat Men as Beer Tasters

Key Observation Made By A Woman Beer Taster: "I got a strong bruised fruit."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'S EXTRA-PATRIOTIC!

Dallas store sells U.S. flag with 61 stars

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE PREDATOR DRONES

The world's largest vuvuzela.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS, LET'S SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Horseboy

(Thanks to Siouxie)

COON RAPIDS

Where The Action Is

(Thanks to Dan)

AS LONG AS HE HAD EVERYTHING IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART, RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

A United Airlines pilot was briefly detained at the international airport in Rio de Janeiro after lowering his pants during a security screening...

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM

Take your protein pill and keep your space suit on.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ATTENTION, PULITZER JUDGES

We have a strong candidate.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

DANG

Too late for Father's Day.

(Thanks to Jeff Spotts)

WORLD CUP ACTION

Come to think of it, it's probably not technically the World Cup. But it is futbol. We think. Maybe we should watch it again to make sure.

(Thanks to the s.b.'s very good friend, Susan Moss)

NOTE: We haven't used the "WARNING" category in a long time, but we dusted it off for this video.

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO GET SET ON FIRE

Spouses are a bigger source of stress than bosses, research shows.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MAKES SENSE TO M WHAT KIND OF A PERSON WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

Woman set office fire to go home early

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

STRIKING FEAR IN OUR HEARTS

But also a GNFARB: The Terrorist Babies of Texas

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

BERLIN -- German police say an American got so fed up with the constant mosquito-like droning from his neighbors' vuvuzela plastic horns that he threatened to kill them With an ax.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AND VICE VERSA

Monkeys Are Metallica Fans, Scientists Say

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BERSERK-NAKED-PEOPLE-EPIDEMIC UPDATE

Now: Wyoming.

(Thanks to Glenda Mostek)

LEGAL DEFENSE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Officers say he said the marijuana was his, and "Adolph Hitler made him grow it."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HOW TO STOP THE VUVUZELAS

Emulate this dog.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WORLD CUPDATE

Team USA takes on Ghana today in Royal Bafokeng Stadium. And we hope our boys give them a Royal Bafokeng, as they say in the world of soccer after they have taken drugs.

THE LEGAL LIMIT IN SOUTH DAKOTA IS 14

The South Dakota Supreme Court has ruled that a police officer acted correctly when he seized 15 cats from a woman who was driving with the animals running free inside her car.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Suzie Q. Wacvet))

PHYSICS

There's a lot going on.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE ASSUME COLONEL MUSTARD WAS ALSO IN THE VICINITY

Naked Man Found With Stolen Cheese At Library

(Thanks to Gregory Snow and Chuck Cody)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK

Psychic Octopus

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

TALK ABOUT SHRINAKGE

A nudist colony in Antarctica.

(Thanks to Ralph)

EDUCATION

Authorities say two women have been arrested following a parents' brawl that interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.

(Thanks to FredinKC, catmanmax, jon harris and RussellMc)

HEY, IT'S FRIDAY

You've been productive enough for this week.

(Thanks to WriterDude)

WE CAN THINK OF AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT

Drunk football fan beats police officer with vuvuzela

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

IT WAS TOTALLY ROMANTIC UNTIL IT POOPED ON THE BRIDE

Wedding rings flown in by owl

Bride's Actual Name: Julianne Groom

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

SO HIS TIME WAS NOT COMPLETELY WASTED

A drunk driver trapped after overturning his car cracked open another can of beer while he waited for emergency crews to rescue him, a New Zealand court was told.

(Thanks to RussellMc, SpecialEd andSuzy Q. Wacvet)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR COURTROOM DRAMA

In perhaps one of the most colorful and laughter-filled trials the Boulder County Court has ever seen, attorneys spent the day Tuesday arguing before a jury whether Carol "Chay" Burdick was wrongfully evicted for her Peeps and other Easter decorations.

(Thanks to em el)

WE ENCOURAGE THIS TACTIC

Marika De Florio is using bare breasts to win a feud with her neighbours.

(Thank to Baron vonKlyff, queensbee, Ralph and Chuck Cody)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

On Pool Float, Jerry Whipple Drifts One Mile Into Gulf Of Mexico Before Coast Guard Rescue

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU ARE OLD

AARP, the Magazine.

ADVISORY

This is a good day to stay away from iPhone stores.

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using seagulls.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SEND HIM STRAIGHT TO WASHINGTON

Check out the excellent interview with the guy who went hunting for bin Laden.

(Thanks to Matthew Buettner)

CSI: DUBLIN

Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub

(Thanks to Michael Frixen)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

ST. LOUIS — A woman admitted in federal court here Tuesday that she had sent threatening letters, a cow's tongue and the head of an opossum to a romantic rival.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NATURE LOVER

A 37-year-old Tallahassee man was charged with disorderly conduct at Wakulla Springs State Park after jumping out of a tour boat to “swim with the alligators”...

Ross told law enforcement officials that he had consumed alcoholic beverages and that could have contributed “somewhat” to his actions.

You think?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE ASSUME IT ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

RIDGE MANOR, Florida (AP) -- A Hernando County man was reportedly run over by his own truck after his dog put it into gear.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, Janice Gelb and jon harris)

ATTENTION, NOBEL-PRIZE GIVER-OUTERS

Give one to these people.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WORLD CUPDATE

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Also: Whew.