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May 10, 2010

IS THAT A BULGING DISC IN HIS UPPER BACK...

...or is he just happy to be done swinging?

(Thanks to Don Faber, Mark Buckley and NewsComAu)

THE BLOG'S STILL STRUMPETING

And apparently it's working: This makes three!

Dave and MZlotnick

(Dave with Bloglit Mike Zlotnick)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Execution Time. Be on this blog, or be a remarkably unattractive frog.

YEEPERS

A demon pear..

(Thanks to Revolvergal)

STRUMPDATE

Thanks to all those who came to my Miami signing Saturday. It was a great crowd and a 100 percent gunfire-free event. Today I head for California to continue strumpeting. I believe the flight path will take me over the Gulf of Mexico; if so, I will make a concerted effort to look down and frown with concern. It's the least I can do.

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS DIDN'T WORK

Police have arrested a man who was trying to break into prison to spring an inmate while dressed as Snoopy.

Key Quote:
"They weren't exactly inconspicuous."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

May 09, 2010

ARTIST FINDS NICHE

And we do mean niche.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)


IT'S A TERRIFIC COLLISION-AVOIDANCE SYSTEM, EXCEPT THAT...

...it apparently does not always avoid the, you know, collision.

(Thanks to Glen Page)

CANCEL THAT RESERVATION

Turkey's first nudist hotel plan hits hitch

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

DUDE

This is bad.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're drawing bunnies.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

LOOKING FOR A LAST-MINUTE MOTHER'S DAY GIFT?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson)

May 08, 2010

HARD TIMES

U.S. Sperm Bank Donations Rise in Recession

(Thanks to John Gregg)

TASER FEVER

It's catching.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A HUNKA HUNKA

According to his autopsy, Nichopoulos said, Elvis' colon was 5 to 6 inches in diameter, nearly twice the size of the average person. It was also 8 to 9 feet long, compared with the normal 4 to 5 feet.

APPARENTLY THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG

AROUND 18 million Brits - one in every three adults - injured themselves having sex in the past year, a survey shows.

(Thanks to DavCat)

AND YET THE STATEMENT IS BASICALLY ACCURATE

LaPenta, 20, was jailed this week by Lake County Associate Judge Helen Rozenberg who held her in contempt for wearing the T-shirt in her courtroom. It was emblazoned with the words: "I have the (slang for female body part) so I make the rules."

(Thanks to John Rhoads)

WAR IS IMMINENT

North Dakota man seriously injured by South Dakota cow

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

STRONG NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

City of Gonads

(Thanks to RussellMc)

May 07, 2010

UH-OH

This is a very bad precedent.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HE SHOULD HAVE PUT IT IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, catmanmax and shtanga)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Salad bowls were part of bizarre bomb recipe

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANADA

Land of Excitement

(Thanks to jon harris and RussellMc)

NORTHAMPTON TRAFFIC UPDATE

Somebody's going to hell.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, Jerald Nichols, Mark Mintz, collins69s, ubetcha and S.P. Sullivan and... OK, MANY people sent this in)

IF THIS IS ART, MY OFFICE IS A REMBRANDT

"I walked in and thought I was in the wrong room."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

May 06, 2010

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away our guard llamas.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

STRUMPDATE

I'm on the train from New York to Washington, where I will be reforming the U.S. Tax Code and also promoting my book, which you will be surprised to learn is for sale. At 12:30 I'll signing books at Borders, 1801 K St. NW; at 7 pm. I'll be talking and signing in Bethesda at Barnes & Noble, 4801 Bethesda Ave. In between I will be on several hundred radio shows, all named "Eyeball on Books."

UPDATE from the s.b.: To keep track of the events and some of the media, go here. There are videos and other interviews being posted there all the time. (Well, not all the time, but some other times than right now.)

THE WORLD'S EASIEST SETUP HEADLINE:

Right here.

(Thanks to [not that there is anything wrong with it] catmanmax)


(yes, you sent it in too - mea culpa from the s.b.)

NO WORD YET ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

A new world record has been set in Brixham for the largest gathering of pirates.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

POLITICAL UPDATE FROM BRITAIN

It's getting manly over there.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE BET IT ALSO HAS A DRIVER'S LICENSE

'Crazy Bird' Terrorizing Walkers in S. Fla.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, OPRY MILLS MALL SHOPPERS

Run.

(Thanks to EricY)

BIG FAN

She REALLY loves Donny.

(Thanks to Steve [The Other Steve] Lancaster)

May 05, 2010

HMMMMMMMM

The Blog says he admires Socrates, and suddenly....

IN CASE ANYONE IS KEEPING TRACK

That's one.

Two.

SCIENTISTS

Discovering the obvious since 1862.

(Thanks to Cheryl Hadley, who adds "Knew you'd want to get the word out.")

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT, EPISODE 2038

A La Crosse man suspected of underage drinking is accused of fleeing a traffic stop with a police officer inside his vehicle.

(Thanks to Dan)

STILL MORE STRUMPETING

But this time you get two strumpeters for the price of one.

May 04, 2010

NOT THAT WE ARE SUGGESTING ANYTHING FOR A CERTAIN BLOG'S BOOK TOUR, BUT ...

SPIDERMAN foiled a would-be thief as Jedi Knights blocked his escape route.

(Thanks to many people)

MOTHER'S DAY IS COMING UP

Wouldn't Mom love a scented candle?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Dogg Fish)

STRUMPDATE

This morning I was promoting my book on The Early Show on CBS. Appearing just before me were some River Monsters in the form of piranhas and a hideous catfish, which I courageously took a CrapCam photograph of. It was not wearing makeup:
05042010096
As far as I know none of the River Monsters have books out, which means they will not (I hope) be joining me at my booksigning tonight at 7 p.m. at the Lincoln Center Barnes & Noble, Broadway at 66th. I hope to see you there.

May 03, 2010

NEW BOOK STRUMPETING

Rumor has it that Dave will be on CBS tomorrow (Tuesday) morning between 8:30 a.m. and some other day, if all goes well.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack recruited Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. to the Rogue Team. They are now on their way to the safe house containing Agent Dana Walsh, where Jack intends to interview her regarding the role of the Russians in the whacking of Renee. Agent Walsh is currently being waterboarded by henchpersons working for President Woman President, who, at the urging of disgraced ex-President Complete Handbag, has gone over to the Dark Side to save the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzz.

Edgar is still dead.

I will not be joining you tonight, as I'm starting the tour for my new book, which by the way is for sale so please buy it.

TRUE FACT: Several thousand times, I've had the following experience. A person will say to me: "Where can I buy your books?" This always strikes me as an odd question, but I try not to betray this in my facial expression as I answer: "In a bookstore." The person often seems surprised to learn this, as if he or she is thinking: "Huh! So THAT's what goes on in bookstores!"

Anyway, because of the book tour I won't be blogging 24 tonight or next week. So I will be counting on you folks to keep track of things down in the comments section. And of course we will all rely on The Amazing Steve to explain the plot to us afterward.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

What do you think will happen to President Woman President?
She will see the error of her ways and become good again.
She will remain evil.
She will actually have sex with ex-President Handbag.
Ew.
Remember ex-President Handbag's ex-wife Martha? She was hot in a cougarish way.
I am still pondering the ketchup-refrigeration question from last week.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls

BULLETIN

Whew.

(Thanks Jeff Spotts)

LUCKY THE TIGERS WEREN'T PLAYING

The Milwaukee Bucks' rallying cry — "fear the deer" — turned into a punchline Sunday afternoon when two deer burst through the glass doors of a Menomonie restaurant as patrons watched a Bucks playoff game.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Waterboard Time. Be here, or be an unfortunate skier.

IS THERE AN OFFICER, PROBLEM?

DUI Suspect Downs Drink During Traffic Stop

(Thanks to Siouxie and Allen at Division)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

For the next few weeks I will be shamelessly prostituting myself for my new book, so blogging from me will be sporadic, although I will be popping up in various places.

IN FLORIDA, THIS WOULD AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFY HIM FOR A CHAUFFEUR'S LICENSE

Teen crashes into DMV during driving test

53490442

(Thanks to Jim Mogle)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S NOT ALSO SUING THE MANUFACTURER OF HER SHOES

A woman who fell through the window of a Lake View salon when she lost her footing trying to kick her husband is suing the salon...

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

 
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