Dave Barry's Blog

WE ENCOURAGE THIS TREND

Commute naked.

WARNING: Not 100 percent SFW.

(Thanks to bonmot)

IF THEY DID THIS MORE OFTEN, WE'D WATCH MORE OFTEN

An NBC news correspondent swallows a fly.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

DECORATIVE PLANT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Ukrainian President Attacked by Wreath

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says "Send it to Washington.")

POWELL VALLEY SPORTS UPDDATE

Give me a P!

(Thanks to Otis)

ANOTHER HOTEL TREND THAT IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

The Pillow Blockade

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, who is finally starting to come out of his shell, used his powers of persuasion as well as pliers, a blowtorch, a knife, a power drill, a chainsaw, a pickaxe, a roto-tiller, a backhoe and an industrial sandblaster to extract a SIM card from the digestive system of the Russian agent Pavel. Jack now knows that former President Handbag is involved with the Russians, which means Jack will be paying him a call.

Meanwhile everybody at CTU (Motto: "The One Thing We Never Actually Do Is Counter Terrorism") is secretly working to thwart everybody else.

Edgar is still dead.

I regret to say that I am still traveling, although I may be able to join you for some of the show. Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think the writers are ultimately going to kill Jack?
	No.
	Yes.
	How?
	I think Jack should ultimately kill the writers.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: "You killed that man, didn't you." Um, duh.

UPDATE: Mrs. Sham certainly did not take long to get over the death of her husband.

UPDATE: President Woman President sure has a modest desk.

UPDATE: Darth Jack.

UPDATE: I can't believe he didn't kill Handbag.

UPDATE: People tend to open up to Jack.

UPDATE: "He shot to wound." That Jack! Such a softie.

UPDATE: WOW! Death by poker!

UPDATE: Excellent move by Jack, bugging the Handbag.

UPDATE: Take it, T.A.S.

OUTDATED ANTIQUE ARCHAIC VINTAGE COLUMN UPDATES BECAUSE WE FORGOT TO DO THEM EARLIER

Dave on speed

Why flowers are good for you

For the graduating class of ...

IT'S FOR YOU

A Chinese student had to be rescued by firefighters after he got his arm stuck down a toilet trying to retrieve his cell phone.

(Thanks to queensbee)

AS WE'RE ALWAYS SAYING, IF YOU DRIVE ON THE ROADS OF MIAMI, YOU HAVE TO BE READY FOR ANYTHING

Anything.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

FORGET TO BUY A MOTHER'S DAY GIFT?

It's not too late.

(Thanks to Sean O'Quinn)

STRUMPDATE

The publicity juggernaut rolls on.

(Thanks to wiredog)

YUM

Italian prosecutors believe pizza in the southern city of Naples may be baked in ovens lit with wood from coffins dug up from the local cemetery, Italian daily Il Giornale reported on Monday.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THEY NEED TO GET OUT MORE

Bat fellatio causes a scandal in academia

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

THE HOTEL-TOILET-PAPER-ORIGAMI TREND

It's getting out of hand.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Enhanced Interrogation Time. Be here, or be a rear.

'SOUNDS?'

'Drinking' neat vodka through your EYE for a quick buzz? It sounds insane...

(Thanks to Lissa)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

BMW crashes into woman's bedroom

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALL WE HAD WAS CAR WASHES

Animal welfare groups in Britain say they are outraged by a school fundraising contest that involves placing ferrets  down the trousers of competitors.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

My esteemed colleague Rick Reilly has a book out with a chapter on this deplorable practice.

COMING SOON TO THE OLYMPICS

A shopping centre has been slammed for staging a competition to see how quickly contestants could unhook women's bras with one hand.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

AND IT WAS PROBABLY LOW-FLOW

TAXPAYERS shelled out $250,000 for a talking-musical toilet under Royalties for Regions - while the West Australian Government has been trying to shave 3 per cent from state spending, including hospitals.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT WILL TEACH THEM

A South Tahoe High softball coach required any player who struck out in a May 1 game to drink soda out of a shoe, school officials have confirmed.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE MIGHT BE SINGLE

The Horny Roo.

Key Quote: "There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing."

(Thanks to Angie Mansfield and Don Faber)

ADVISORY TO MALES IN NEW ZEALAND:

Do not swim naked.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IN KEEPING WITH OUR STRICT POLICY

...we are unable to link to this.

(Thanks to Kenneth Bernholm)

WE CAN TOTALLY RELATE HAVE NO COMMENT

Husband bails from moving vehicle after wife refuses to 'shut up'

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

BUT HE WASN'T TOTALLY NAKED

A man who police said was naked except for a pair of woman's thong panties he was wearing on his head is the first person arrested under Boulder's new public nudity law.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

STRUMPDATE

I had a nice event last night at the Track 16 Gallery in Santa Monica, where I was interviewed by the great Jane Smiley, who has a new book of her own out. I'm reading it, and it's terrific, and I thank her for taking time out from talking about her work of genuine literature to ask me questions about booger jokes. The event was organized by Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr, who was also the field coordinator for my nearly successful 2008 presidential campaign, which is still generating momentum in the form of Ted's license plate.

Today I'll be at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, Arizona. I have no earthly idea where I'll be tomorrow.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR....

Manure Mojo and the Gasifiers

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

STRUMPDATE

The giant publicity machine never stops.

CSI: MILWAUKEE

Police respond to a report of sexual assault and find reptiles, spiders, five anacondas and a chicken

(Thanks to Kit Case, who asks "Wait, this wasn't in Florida?")

SO YOU WANNA BE AN EDUCATOR

Lesson #1: Always take note of which name is in the "To:" field before you hit send.

(Thanks to Steve "The Other Steve" Lancaster)

STRUMPDATE

Word is that The Blog's visit to the kilted one will be next week instead of tonight.

WE ALL NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THIS

"It's a real warning for people not to eat a slug."

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ATTENTION, LADIES:

He could be single.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

CHECK OUT THOSE PADDIES

A JAPANESE lingerie maker has created a bra that GROWS RICE.

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob, Ralph, Trent Whitney and John Gregg)

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

A British woman said her pet pig received a letter from officials encouraging it to register to vote in the general election.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

TOMORROW NIGHT

Is everyone aware of where The Blog will be?

GOT A CASE?

Call Al at ... oh! Whoops. Never mind.

(Thanks to Damon Daniels)

RANT OF THE DAY

So, how come people write letters like this (these are random letters, not sent to the Blog, in case you were wondering):

It's biased comment like your's that insites other ignorant people like yourself.

Let me begin by stating that you’re an idiot!  Your {article} is first, a collection of ignorant, uninformed rubbish that proves you don’t have a clue and second, a personal declaration by you of your personal bigotry against anyone holding an opinion different from yours. 

This is unbelievable.  YOU are the only LIAR, sir.  How dare you...You and your ilk are a disgrace to our great nation... You know what that makes you???  A COWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can’t win the debate on the facts so you resort to name-calling.  In a paper of major circulation, no less.  Pathetic. 

Are they stupid? Or what?
[This is not about the content of their beliefs (really) but about people writing angry letters exhibiting the behavior they are angry about.]

KIDS DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Texas high school hoops star really 22-year-old Dillard High grad

CALIFORNIA STRUMPETING UPDATE

I had an excellent event last night at Book Passage in Marin County. At the very end of the book-signing line was Jim Fox, who designs garments with lights in them. Here I am modeling a brassiere, which Jim claims had been autographed by Lady Gaga.

Jim also attended my 2006 event at Book Passage, where he appeared in his other identity as PenguinMan. His PenguinMan business card says "Now Performing Legal Weddings."

Thanks to everybody who came out last night. Tonight at 7:30 I'll be in San Francisco at Books Inc. In The Marina, 2251 Chestnut Street. I cannot promise that I will wear an illuminated brassiere, but you never know.

WBAGNF SOMETHING

Shark in a Pickup Truck

(Thanks to Mike Ricciardi, Siouxie, and MartiniShark [no relation])

HOT WOMEN ARE BAD FOR YOU

Now research shows that for men just five minutes spent alone with a beautiful stranger causes so much stress it may be bad for the heart.

The effects are worst for men who might think they are not “in the same league” as the woman now sharing their space but still try to attract her interest, scientists claim.

For those men, their anxiety rate is said to be similar to jumping from an aircraft.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET

Anything.

(Thanks to Karen Delaney)

HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM BAMBI

Man renames himself 'Stormhammer Deathclaw Firebrand'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to Al O., B. Kizer and Allen at Division)

UPDATE ON THE DEMON PEAR

It might not actually be demonic.

(Thanks to ricefarm)

WE NEED MORE LIKE HER

It was only after battling the blaze for five minutes that she looked down and realised that she was still topless from the sunbaking.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Zombie Satellite and the Astronomical Buzz

(Thanks to RussellMc)

24

Here is where we stand:

At the end of last week Jack finally caught up with Dana and -- while experiencing conflicting emotions including sorrow, remorse, anguish and a deep sense of unease caused by not going to the bathroom in nearly eight years -- shot her fatally at close range several times. (He also shot a NYPD officer in the foot, but he apologized.) Now Jack has the Secret Video That Could Change Everything and is on the run in full Rogue Mode, seeking justice and revenge while being pursued by the Russians, CTU and all branches of American law enforcement including the Coast Guard.

Edgar is still dead. I envy him,  because I'm still on book tour, currently on the West Coast. This means I will once again be unable to join you, although you all seem to do fine down there in the comments section. As always we will rely on The Amazing Steve to give us his analysis afterward. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Were you surprised when Jack shot Dana?
	No. He's JACK BAUER, for God's sake.
	Yes, because revenge is wrong, plus she was looking hot from the waterboarding.
	I thought he was going to kill her just by glaring hard.
	I hope he also shoots ex-president Handbag.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls