Dave Barry's Blog

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

We have virtually no fundamental rights left.

(Thanks to RussellMc, Robert Huntington, B'game and Janice Gelb)

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WEARING?

Man sucked into sausage seasoning machine

(Thanks to Don Faber, queensbee and Jonathan)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Without guys, nothing would ever get done.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INSECT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Fortunately, it has nearly been eradicated.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHY WE LOVE THE SUN

It tackles the issues.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Nuns set up massage service

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SHE DEFINITELY SHOULD SUE

Was Patty Everett scared when she saw the snake coming out of the air-conditioning vent in her Buick SUV?

"Well, somebody crapped in my pants," she said.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WE SHOULD NOT JUDGE A PERSON BY HIS NAME

Usually.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

TODAY'S DEPRESSING SCIENCE FACT

Lying kids are smarter.

"Those who have better cognitive development lie better because they can cover up their tracks. They may make bankers in later life."

(Thanks to Don Faber)

THE UNFRIENDLY SKIES

This week's retrocolumn was requested by Samantha O.

GUYS

They're all the same.

(Thanks to bonmot)

LOOK AT LARRY KING

Heart attack sufferers 'should be encouraged to have more sex'

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

ADVISORY TO RUSSIAN MOTORISTS

Surf's up!

(Thanks to CJrun)

HOW SLOW A NEWS DAY WAS IT?

Very.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN'T DO?

Krispy Kremes used as bear bait

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S THE 30TH ANNIVERSARY OF PAC-MAN

And the Google home page has a game you can actually play.

PEOPLE OF ASPEN:

Your nightmare is over.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FUN HOBBY

LAS CRUCES - "I had no idea what I was getting into," Ernest "Gino" Jimenez said Thursday of his first rat-hoarding case in 14 years with Las Cruces animal control. "Never, and I hope to never see it again."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANADA

Land of Diversity

(Thanks to Onterrible, Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie, who says, "Edgar, eh?")

IT'S ALMOST OVER

And we still have no idea what happened.

NOT TONIGHT, DEAR; I'M MARRIED

A stunning and shocking and totally surprising study says that married women would rather read, watch a movie or sleep than have sex.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Keith Merrill)

DICK CHENEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF IT

Obama had just begun an afternoon statement to reporters lauding the end of a Senate filibuster on his financial overhaul plan when some kind of rodent — opinions differ on which — dashed out of the bushes to his right, just outside the Oval Office.

(Thanks to Phil)

IF YOU GO TO EATON

Don't go.

HEY, A NICE REVIEW IS A NICE REVIEW

Even if it's from your brother.

OUCH

This would be funnier to those of us who live in Miami if we weren't building an expensive new baseball stadium for the benefit of a zillionaire team owner and his multimillionaire players even though the vast majority of us never go to actually watch them.

REMEMBER 'BALLOON BOY?'

You will be relieved to learn that his parents are out of jail and have retrieved their balloon from the sheriff's office.

Key Quote: "Sheriff's Office personnel had to help him lay out the balloon. He said he wanted to measure it to make sure it was HIS balloon ... as opposed to all the other silver flying saucer-type devices we have in evidence."

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

YUM

Fine foods from abroad.

(Thanks to Catherine)

EVENTUALLY ONE OF OF THESE PROTESTS WHERE PEOPLE GET NAKED FOR SOME URGENT CAUSE OR ANOTHER IS ACTUALLY GOING TO PRODUCE SOME RESULT

So this blog says: keep trying.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS MAKING JOKES ABOUT FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES, AND YOU THINK WE'RE MAKING IT ALL UP?

We're not.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, funniegrrl and Justin Barber)

A QUESTION FOR THE ORGANIZERS OF THE 2012 OLYMPICS IN LONDON:

Huh?

(Thanks to KJP, bonmot, Siouxie, Catherine, Guin and Horace LaBadie)

STRUMPDATE

Among the 18 million places I went to promote my new book was Google headquarters, which is located in a Secret Undisclosed Location. It's a very impressive complex filled with really smart people who all seem to be about 17 years old. They had a nice event for me and put a video of it on the Internet, which I believe is going to be big.

(Thanks to trustf8)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

GLENVILLE, Pa. – Police said a Maryland man was so drunk after driving into a central Pennsylvania field that a farmer had to carry the handcuffed suspect out in the bucket of his tractor.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THINK WHAT WE COULD DO WITH CONGRESS

Toronto finds a use for its mayor.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Related Update: What IS it with mayors and toilets?

(Thanks to keroff)

WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO GET US TO WATCH GOLF

More bears.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE BET IT HAS A DRIVER'S LICENSE

A Florida shopping mall had an unexpected, and unwelcome, visitor Wednesday when a 10-foot alligator took up residence on a nearby sidewalk, authorities said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUSTICE

A Wearside great-grandmother has won her fight against a £50 fine for picking up the wrong dog mess.

(Thanks to Ralph and DavCat)

CSI: GLENVIEW

Four men arrested in attempted cow tipping incident

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

REST EASY, PEOPLE OF SAN ANTONIO

Your food supply is safe.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Patrick Groulx)

IT WAS A FUN PARTY, ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY ENDED UP DEAD

A Hampshire aquarium is celebrating after successfully breeding one of the most dangerous amphibians on Earth.

Phantasmal poison frogs, which can kill anybody who merely touches them, have skin 200 times more toxic than morphine.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE

Congress gets something right.

(Thanks ti Siouxie)

NATURE UPDATE

Nature's getting kinky.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

STRUMPDATE

Here's an extremely random interview I did on my book tour last week when I was in California. Wine may have been involved.

GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME

Male monkeys will 'pay' in fruit juice to look at a picture of a socially dominant monkey or a female's hindquarters.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IN MIAMI THEY WOULD LAST MAYBE 45 SECONDS

Druids hired to cut road accidents

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO PUT STRONGER WARNINGS ON THE PACKAGING

Smoking crows.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

REST ASSURED THAT SHE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A woman ran over herself after reaching for the coffee she realized she left on the roof of her vehicle.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and Ken Morgan)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY THEY MAKE DRUGS

A pensioner, Jack Harris, who spent seven-and-a-half years working on a 5000-part jigsaw finally completed the puzzle only to find there was one piece missing.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

One by one, we're losing all of our fundamental rights.

(Thanks to dfechter and Peter Metrinko)

UPDATE.

(Thanks to Barbara A)

TWO QUESTIONS FROM THE S.B.

Question 1) Why do so many people and organizations put every random email address they can find on their mailing lists and newsletters, without asking the recipients if they are even the teensiest bit interested in receiving them? Do they really think it's a good thing to annoy the crap out of people they don't know? Or do they honestly believe that their own personal opinions (or press releases) are so mind-bogglingly fascinating that people who live in different states (or even different countries) and have busy, productive lives of their own will be grateful to receive their incessant electronic observations? (Oh, sure, you could say, "Look who's talking!" but we remind you that participation here is voluntary.) And what about the people who do this, but worse, every single email has FW: in the subject line?

Question 2) Is there any way to stop them?

NOTE THAT THE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE STUDY IS A WOMAN

...which means it's probably a lie.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)