Dave Barry's Blog

MANY THANKS

...to our heroes past and present.

Here's a story about American servicepeople who never made it home.

(Thanks to nursecindy for the link.)

HOW GLAD ARE WE THAT WE'RE NOT IN SCHOOL ANY MORE?

Very glad.

(Thanks to Mr. Jeff Arch and Siouxie)

On the other hand, "Dangerous Groin Game" would be a good name for a rock band.

A GIANT LEAP FOR GUYS

The guys from Maine who became online celebrities by creating geysers from Mentos candies and Diet Coke say they have harnessed that power to create a "rocket car."

(Thanks to The Perts and PirateBoy)

ADVISORY TO THE PEOPLE OF TORONTO:

Ew.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DINING OUT IN IOWA CITY?

Don't.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Sausage-Addicted Kookaburra

(Thanks to Ralph)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Maybe Dad wants something different.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

HEY, YOU CRAZY GUYS 'N' GALS:

Have a great Memorial Day weekend. But also remember the Memorial Day part, OK?

BECAUSE UNLIKE SOME, THEY HAVE MUSICAL TASTE

Bagpipes scare off sewer rats

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they're tying to ban dwile-flonking.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NOW THAT IS WHAT THIS BLOG CALLS A RELIGION

About 15,000 snakes were spotted slithering along a road near a village in northern Beijing this week in what local authorities said may have been part of a Buddhist ceremony...

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the little furred bastards are attacking our most sacred institutions.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

CSI: EWW

"I specifically requested that the underpants be analyzed for a DNA profile..."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WHICH IS WHY SOONER OR LATER THEY ALL MIGRATE TO FLORIDA

New York drivers are the least knowledgeable in the nation for a second straight year on rules of the road and neighboring New Jersey motorists are almost as bad, according to a study by an insurance company.

(Thanks to Michael Morrow)

Update: Obviously the study is deeply flawed, as it ranks Florida 11th.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE

It's wilder than most.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR RECOMMENDATIONS FOR BEACH READING

...the authority you want is The New York Times.

THAT CLEARS THAT UP

Alexis Houston, Matt Lauer's Non-Mistress, Was A Man Named Wellington

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

...than a tarantula rustler.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Give dad something classy.

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

IOWA SOCIAL NOTE

Mason City man fined for loose snake at motel

(Thanks to Ralph}

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

A TELLY mindreading star was excused jury duty after fears he might wreck the trial.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

A Justin Bieber removal tool.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

If you don't know who Justin Bieber is, I have one question: May I move in with you?

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER PLUMBER

The mystery of the "leaking" jacuzzi is finally explained.

(Thanks to Phil McCavity) (heh heh)

FROG CARPET

WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to Laura)

UPDATE: Of COURSE there are pictures.

FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSES

... are on the way to some rocket scientists and this amazing lady.

(Thanks to Mary Stewart and Tash)

THIS NEWS ITEM IS NOT FUNNY

But it's pretty cool.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

Whiteman began to tell the deputies that the two of them were in trouble because they didn’t know he was actually a 100-year-old vampire and could smell their blood from the back seat of the patrol car.

(Thanks to akubbs)

PLEASE SWEAR RESPONSIBLY

ACTOR Kiefer Sutherland has revealed he tried to stop saying "Dammit" after a boozy game was based on his 24 catchphrase. Show fans would down a shot when his character Jack Bauer uttered it. Kiefer, 43, began using it more when he first heard about the game - then realised it could be fatal.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOD HELP US IF THE SQUIRRELS FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS

Sharks Can Become Invisible

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DISTRACTED? WE'RE NOT.... WHAT DID YOU SAY AGAIN?

The poll of 1,684 people also revealed that 12% of women did not like seeing other women sunbathe topless, with more than half of these saying it was "distracting" for their partner.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

Possibly Related Item: Nev. woman accused of stealing wine while topless

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

COMING SOON TO THE FOX NETWORK

Officers found a fizzing homemade bomb planted in a portable toilet near a construction site at Turtle Bay and decided the safest way to detonate it was to shoot at it.

Key We-Do-Not-Pay-Them-Enough Quote: After five shots with a .22 caliber rifle, the bomb exploded, spraying the contents of the toilet everywhere. One of the bomb squad members was covered in feces, according to the police report.

(Thanks to Robin Johnson)

NO WORD YET ON THE IRON MAN ENDORSEMENT

A candidate for the U.S. Senate from California has a campaign ad in which he claims to have the support of Jack Bauer.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)

SCOTTISH BUS RIDERS:

Missing anything?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE'RE NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT WE SHOULD DO WITH THIS INFORMATION

But here it is.

(Thanks to John Regan)

IF THIS DOESN'T ELIMINATE SOCIAL INJUSTICE, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WILL

The museum needs volunteers who are willing to perch on the hippo, read the day's news and blow a whistle each time they read something they perceive as an unfairness or social injustice.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HEY, WE'D WATCH IT

Har.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

WE KEEP TELLING YOU

They are not our friends.

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

AND YOUR UNDERSHORTS WILL CONTROL YOUR TV

One day your pants may power up your iPod

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

EMPLOYMENT OUTLOOK BRIGHTENS

The producers of a Swedish-Norwegian film being shot in Sweden said they are searching for 15 people with 1970s-style body hair willing to disrobe.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MOTORISTS SHOULD NOT PICK THEM UP

Truck carrying 17 million bees crashes in Minn.

(Thanks to Catherine)

HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. -- A Sissonville area man was in jail today after allegedly setting fire to his house because his wife didn't have dinner ready.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that alcohol may have been involved)

THINGS THAT REALLY DETRACT FROM A PERSON'S RESUME

Buggery of a donkey.

(Thanks to queensbee)

FINALLY, A FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT IS UPHELD

The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

(Thanks to Scott Tennant, Jeff Meyerson and Chuck Cody)

Here is where we stand:

Jack, having for various solid reasons killed or wounded two-thirds of the population of Manhattan, is now hunting Russian President Suvarov and also leaking about a quart of blood every 15 minutes. Jack is in turn being pursued by CTU under the command of Pillar, the henchperson of ex-President Dirtbag, who was captured by Jack last week and revealed, under interrogation, that he had pooped his drawers. Meanwhile the FBI took the Secret Video away from Meredith and has been ordered to give it to President Woman President, who is suffering from pangs of either conscience or intestinal flu; there is no way to tell which.

Chloe and Cole are also trying to find Jack. Edgar is still dead.

Tonight's two-hour special is the final episode, ending eight years of Jack Bauer's courageous efforts to find some way, against impossible odds, not to laugh out loud at the plot. It is a journey we have all taken together; a journey that has given us much to think about. We can honestly say that it has been an unmitigated pleasure, except when it sucked. Thanks to all of you for participating on this blog. And thanks especially to The Amazing Steve for his wonderful summaries. We don't know why you do it, T.A.S., but we strongly suspect drugs are very grateful.

And now it's time for our final scientific poll:

What was your favorite moment in all the eight seasons?
	Terrorist frogpersons capturing the White House.
	Jack getting addicted to heroin.
	Chloe tasering the drunk in the bar.
	The time that the perimeter actually succeeded in capturing a... No, wait, that never happened.
	The Victoria's Secret Dream Angel Push-up Brassiere commercial.
	Chloe shooting the machine gun.
	Marwan.
	The discovery that it is not necessary to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.
	That time Jack shouted "DAMMIT!"
	The ceremony observing the hiring of the 10,000th CTU mole.
	The terrorist missile that flew from Iowa to Los Angeles at 14 miles per hour.
	Renee cutting off that guy's thumb.
	Renee emerging from the Potomac.
	All the times Jack obtained voluntary confessions through the use of power tools.
	Some other moment, which I will nominate in the comments (the blog comments, not the poll comments).
	This is off-topic, but: It felt as though the last episode of "Lost" ran about 17 hours too long.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Jack said he's eternally grateful. So maybe he's DEAD.

UPDATE: When two guys are aiming guns at each other and engaging in dialog, I always think, "If I were one of those guys, I would pull the trigger, before the other guy does." Does that make me a bad person? Never mind.

UPDATE: Nice product placement of the rearview-camera feature.

UPDATE: But we WANT to see Jack take Pillar apart piece by piece.

UPDATE: Jack has the power of Backseat Invisibility.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not need blood.

UPDATE: Or anesthetic.

UPDATE: "I am judge and jury. Now STEP BACK."

UPDATE: Here's the thing: Middle East peace treaties NEVER work anyway.

UPDATE: Whoa! President Woman President is insane! This is good!

UPDATE: Jack has one of those instant-on PCs that don't actually exist.

UPDATE: Somehow, Jack got inside the perimeter.

UPDATE: Nice to see Chloe with a gun again.

UPDATE: Jack choking Chloe! Hot.

UPDATE: Jack has a very large gun.

UPDATE: One hour down. Not a whole lot happened.

UPDATE: "The pipple of Russia."

UPDATE: So far today Jack has been stabbed twice and (I think) shot twice. At this rate he is eventually going to need medical attention.

UPDATE: JACKULA!

UPDATE: I miss the rods.

UPDATE: Well, THIS is a neat and tidy ending.

UPDATE: Aw. Jack and Chloe.

UPDATE: So in conclusion: The Peace Process was NOT a big deal after all! So this season was about... what? Never mind. We had our little fun, didn't we? Take it away one last time, The Amazing Steve.

AMAZING

San Francisco in 1906, right before the earthquake -- filmed from a cable car:

(Thanks to this blog's cousin Amy)

'FASHION-CONSCIOUS' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM

Fashion-conscious men get a lift as the man-heel makes its entrance

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ATTENTION, SPORTS FANS

Bertoletti Wins At World Poutine Eating Championship

(Thanks to RussellMc)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

Shrew spit.

(Thanks to The Perts)

REMINDER

Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern Apocalypse Time: The two-hour grand finale.

(Motivational poster by Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who has a 24 page)

Related email:

Dave,
I’m an ER doctor who also happens to be a rabid “24” fan.  Not too long ago, I was working the night shift.  Over the course of about an hour, two different people came in with bilateral gunshot wounds to the thighs.  You heard me right.  Two people who were shot in both thighs.  Immediately after seeing the second patient, I thought to myself, “Jack Bauer’s in town and boy is he pissed.”
-- Todd Larson

MEN:

You need to know CPR.

(Thanks to jon harris)