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May 24, 2010

Here is where we stand:

Jack, having for various solid reasons killed or wounded two-thirds of the population of Manhattan, is now hunting Russian President Suvarov and also leaking about a quart of blood every 15 minutes. Jack is in turn being pursued by CTU under the command of Pillar, the henchperson of ex-President Dirtbag, who was captured by Jack last week and revealed, under interrogation, that he had pooped his drawers. Meanwhile the FBI took the Secret Video away from Meredith and has been ordered to give it to President Woman President, who is suffering from pangs of either conscience or intestinal flu; there is no way to tell which.

Chloe and Cole are also trying to find Jack. Edgar is still dead.

Tonight's two-hour special is the final episode, ending eight years of Jack Bauer's courageous efforts to find some way, against impossible odds, not to laugh out loud at the plot. It is a journey we have all taken together; a journey that has given us much to think about. We can honestly say that it has been an unmitigated pleasure, except when it sucked. Thanks to all of you for participating on this blog. And thanks especially to The Amazing Steve for his wonderful summaries. We don't know why you do it, T.A.S., but we strongly suspect drugs are very grateful.

And now it's time for our final scientific poll:

What was your favorite moment in all the eight seasons?
Terrorist frogpersons capturing the White House.
Jack getting addicted to heroin.
Chloe tasering the drunk in the bar.
The time that the perimeter actually succeeded in capturing a... No, wait, that never happened.
The Victoria's Secret Dream Angel Push-up Brassiere commercial.
Chloe shooting the machine gun.
The discovery that it is not necessary to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.
That time Jack shouted "DAMMIT!"
The ceremony observing the hiring of the 10,000th CTU mole.
The terrorist missile that flew from Iowa to Los Angeles at 14 miles per hour.
Renee cutting off that guy's thumb.
Renee emerging from the Potomac.
All the times Jack obtained voluntary confessions through the use of power tools.
Some other moment, which I will nominate in the comments (the blog comments, not the poll comments).
This is off-topic, but: It felt as though the last episode of "Lost" ran about 17 hours too long.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Jack said he's eternally grateful. So maybe he's DEAD.

UPDATE: When two guys are aiming guns at each other and engaging in dialog, I always think, "If I were one of those guys, I would pull the trigger, before the other guy does." Does that make me a bad person? Never mind.

UPDATE: Nice product placement of the rearview-camera feature.

UPDATE: But we WANT to see Jack take Pillar apart piece by piece.

UPDATE: Jack has the power of Backseat Invisibility.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not need blood.

UPDATE: Or anesthetic.

UPDATE: "I am judge and jury. Now STEP BACK."

UPDATE: Here's the thing: Middle East peace treaties NEVER work anyway.

UPDATE: Whoa! President Woman President is insane! This is good!

UPDATE: Jack has one of those instant-on PCs that don't actually exist.

UPDATE: Somehow, Jack got inside the perimeter.

UPDATE: Nice to see Chloe with a gun again.

UPDATE: Jack choking Chloe! Hot.

UPDATE: Jack has a very large gun.

UPDATE: One hour down. Not a whole lot happened.

UPDATE: "The pipple of Russia."

UPDATE: So far today Jack has been stabbed twice and (I think) shot twice. At this rate he is eventually going to need medical attention.


UPDATE: I miss the rods.

UPDATE: Well, THIS is a neat and tidy ending.

UPDATE: Aw. Jack and Chloe.

UPDATE: So in conclusion: The Peace Process was NOT a big deal after all! So this season was about... what? Never mind. We had our little fun, didn't we? Take it away one last time, The Amazing Steve.


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Ready to go! I'll post the first hour as soon as I can, and the second hour will follow sometime later.

Any nominations for what the final words will be?

I'm guessing: Jack is gone.

Can't believe its the end of 24 as we know it. Thanks to all. Have enjoyed sharing the experience and reading all the hilarious commentary, especially Dave, our fearless leader.

They say all good things must come to an end. Well, the same is true for crap. In that spirit, we present:

The *last* haiku episode guide to 24
(One verse per hour)

4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

Jack plans retirement
But then bad guys shoot at him,
Blow his snitch to bits.

5:00 PM - 6:00 PM

Chloe cries for help,
CTU chief's a bozo,
So Jack saddles up.

6:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Cop beats Jack. Dumbass.
Davros and Farhad conspire
To blow up Hassan.

7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Freckles joins vise squad
Then shows Ziya how to play
A zero-thumb game.

8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

Gun at her noggin,
Freckles out-testicles Vlad.
She's psycho. But hot.

9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

Jack kann deutsch sprechen!
Es gibt nichts, was er nicht kann.
Er ist Übermensch.

10:00 PM - 11:00 PM

Slugged once too often,
Freckles grabs a knife and makes
Vlad the Impalee.

11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Bazaev Bezhaev Jürgen Prochnow guy
Makes a deal, only to find
His son's gone rogueski.

12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

With nuke rods missing,
Starbuck and Ortiz act fast,
Bump off two morons.

1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

Jack lures Marcos out,
Chloe thwarts him remotely.
Owen wets himself.

2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Before exploding,
Marcos implicates Tarin,
Who's also banging.

3:00 AM - 4:00 AM

Tarin dupes Kayla,
Sends her away with a bomb.
Was the sex that bad?

4:00 AM - 5:00 AM

Jack's in a gunfight,
Starbuck snuffs and stuffs Milton.
She's the mole du jour.

5:00 AM - 6:00 AM

Taylor's aides stage coup,
Send elite force to kill Jack.
Scratch one elite force.

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM

During high-speed chase
Hassan's switched in parking deck.
That's awesome improv.

7:00 AM - 8:00 AM

Starbuck makes a deal,
Gives Jack Samir's location.
Too late! Hassan's toast.

8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Chloe's in charge! YES!
Jack and Freckles make love. Nice.
Pow. So much for nice.

9:00 AM - 10:00 AM

Russian plot exposed.
Taylor heeds Handbag, blocks Jack.
Jack swipes a helo.

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM

Handbag Palpatine
Makes Taylor his apprentice.
Kick their butts, Jack will.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

Jack rescues Starbuck,
Gets her vid file, then caps her.
Cold. Cruel. I like it.

12:00 PM - 1:00 PM

To avenge Freckles,
Jack gets info the old way,
Reads Pavel's entrails.

1:00 PM - 2:00 PM

Sniveling Handbag
Rats out the Russians to Jack.
Gunshots. Poker. Ouch.

To be concluded...

Bonus material:
In Memory of Freckles
An elegiac limerick

That competent agent, Renee,
Took Jack for a roll in the hay.
But then Pavel shot her
Which made Jack's mind totter
Now Pavel's just chunks of filet.

Will Jack shoot Logan?

Will Chloe shoot Jack?

Will someone ever notice there is a corpse rotting away in interrogation room two??

Checkin' in! Get ready for the extra special intro tonight...

Steve: Because I suspect Jack is dead and has been in purgatory before moving on, "It's time to let go, Jack."

Hello for the last time, all. What a week. The Hawks make it to the Stanly Cup Finals, The State is streaming on Netflix, the Lost finale...umm...sure did air on television and other things.

And now, the end of 24. The end of Jack Bauer time. The end of this wonderful 24 blog.

So let's all have a good time and remember, keep it clean. Just kidding. Let's tear this plot apart!

'Simply the best.
Better than all the rest...'

Dave: Hilarious 'vote' options...
Steve: Thanks for your Amazingness.
Bloggers: I'm here becuz of you :)

Not 'blogging live' tonite ('cuz i Really wanna drink watch what happens!)

Goodbye Jack: You were 'da bomb'...

So long, Jack; see you in another life, brutha...

Bravo Ford. Bravissimo.

My favorite moment was when Teri Bauer turned out to be a disciple of Red John on The Mentalist.

Checking in. I started watching this with the series premiere almost ten years ago; I just have to be in at the bitter(sweet) end.

I may be the last one on the boat here, but I just realized they're ending 24 on the 24th.

Ford79: Well done.
From a Ford69.

Freckles getting wet has more votes than the Victoria Secret commercial. I'm getting misty from the mam memories.

...and it's siouxie's brthday, dammit...

Jack and Coke in hand. Let's do this!

Well, some coke should make the peace procezzzz go faster.

//waving at all the Jack fiends here.

This is the end.

I'm drinking some shots of Jack tonight.


Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training.
It just be raining black people in New York.
I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.

*Spamalot's "You Won't Succeed (On Broadway)" begins playing (start 39 seconds in)*

(The part of Sir Robin is spread across several people...)

In any great adventure,
If you don't want to lose,
Victory depends upon the poeple that you choose.
So, listen, Mister Bauer, closely to this news:
You won't succeed in New York,
If you don't stop any coups.

You may have the finest gun,
Show how fast that you can run,
You may have the best bulletproof vest and good shoes,
You may shoot and you may shout,
But I'm sorry, Jack, watch out!
You'll just make them (*pointing to viewers*)
Drink lots and lots of booze.


You may form a perimeter
In hopes that you may deter
Bad guys from killing animals in zoos.
Though you've shot them in the head
It's possible they aren't dead
You better fill 'em with lead
If you don't want any coups.

They don't care you're retired
or if you're been rehired
They'll simply get you mired and then lose.
Terrorists don't care, Jack
If you're CTU with your JackSack™;
They'll still try hard to see if you indeed bruise!
So try your best if you dare
But you will be caught unaware
And you will find a bomb that's hard to defuse...

(It's gonna blow!)

The president won't care, Jack,
If you double-dog-dare, Jack,
To save all of New York
If you don't stop any coups.

You may have satellite mapping
As well as cell phone tracking.
You may even have some guys looking for clues.
Your spies might be crack boys,
But they make too much noise
And their toys will just give away their taboos.

So despite your petty tries
At catching us in disguise
No matter how many otters you may use...
You may mole plant mano-a-mano
You are thinking that you may know
What we're planning for tomorrow
But you don't know 'bout our coups!

You can fill your plots with shots
Even have red shirts drawing lots!

(You may even have some hot shots with kangaroos!)

If you don't have a ewe
Then you aren't in the coup
All of your hard work will miss nuclear ooze!

There's a very small percentage
You'll find our one disadvantage.
I'm sorry I'm the one to make you choose.
Despite what you would uncork,
There's no way you will save New York,
There's no way you will save New York,
If you don't stop any coups!

Bauer, do you hear me?

In order to save New York,
You could sing "New York, New York"
And hope that those in New York are amused.
I tell you, Super Jack
To end the city's attack...
You really must stop, REALLY must stop coups!

You really must stop...
...really must stop coups!

J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™'s not going to leave ANYONE standing...") and ChloeSack™ ("ChloeSack™ desperately doesn't want to say goodbye to JackSack™ permanently....")


This season's "24" intros are brought to you in memory of my dear friend Michael "Sparky" Bushaw, who passed away the day after this past Christmas. Sparky, my fraternity big brother, best man at my wedding and best friend for the last 20 years, was the one person with whom I watched "24" when it originally premiered on Fox. Always a fan of the show, I believe it fitting to dedicate this season in his memory. Rest in peace, brother...I miss you!

I would like to offer my personal thanks to EVERYONE at Fox for making this show a part of my life for the past nine years, as well as thank Dave, The Amazing Steve and everyone else here on the blog for helping take "24" to a new level. It has been great fun, and I will miss it.

DON'T FORGET! More "24" motivational posters are up NOW at my site, so come stop by!

Jack speaks! And has a bad beard!

It's a thank you from Jack!!!!

Why thank you, Kiefer, for thanking us.

Now, as a finale, could you torture the writers? Since you're trying to make us happy?

It's so sad. No more Monday nights with Jack!

What's the over/under on how many Russians Jack will gut today?

Bravissimo, THG!

First question, just how stupid did President Handbag have to be to fall for the old "being bugged" trick a second time?

Destroy the world, Jack! Shoot some UN thighs!

Tropic: excellent.

How many more Sprint product placements tonight???? Over/under at 1.5.

We he living on Mercer Street or Moishe Street?

I only watch this show so I can understand your wonderful comments!
Blog away!

FYI, I have been told by the internet that tonight (and this season I guess) completely lacks Aaron :'(

Except for the bug in your shirt, hosebag.

Events occur in real time?

Who was that bearded man? Someone said it was Orville Redennecker..????

Doesn't Freddy know that it's illegal to drive and talk on a cell phone without hands free?

Haaaaaayyyyyy, ya'll!! I tharted drrreeenkin early tonight. Anybody notice? *hic*

Preliminary flash = preliminary drink!

"This crime scene is like a slaughterhouse..."

Jack likes his Russians rare...

How come this guys house looks like a warehouse?

Yea, Jack will kill that Russian leader like I kill a shot of Stolichnaya: fast, quiet, and barely making a face as it goes down.

Cole thinks he can take Jack down? As if.

Is that the Matrix on his computer display?

y'all are nuts....just sayin'.

Security Alert! 'Cuz dances is in the house, finally!

Hey, look at it this way...

if Jack is dead...he's a vampire again, will
rise again, and yes, the movie will give him the chance to suck again....


I'm on West Coast time, guys, so I just wanna say thanks, it's been fun. Dave, my favorite moment of the series unquestionably involved Aaron and First Lady Ramparts in Season Five.

Subtle approach, Cole.

Why not just knock? OK, he did. Jack Bauer style.

"You can shoot me, just let the blade servers go!"

"Locked up for the duration", so, the last two hours?

"Jack's not thinking straight."

Did he just say Jack is gay?!

I can't believe Michael frickin' Madsen is such a sucker...

Hey, wait a minnit. Can I get your autograph? I was a big fan of your dad's.

Chloe in charge! Yay for someone competent for once.

Chloe, out of the office! I hope she's headed for the bar to tase someone.

Your standard New York apartment looks like an IT nerve center...

"We can't stand back and let Jack assassinate the president of Russia!"


We can't stand by and let Jack assassinate the President of Russia?

Uh, Chloe?

I'm thinking it over.

So a big van pulls up beside Freddy and he doesn`t get suspicious?

Ah it's just a product placement for a car with a rear view video camera.

We can't stand by and let Jack assassinate the president of Russia.

No. We can help him, tho!

Cole is driving a Toyota! He'll never stop!

For 8 seasons, some CTU guy is always 10 minutes away from where they're supposed to be....always 10 minutes, whether in NYC, DC, or LA.

Dammit, the Toyota's clock is out of sync with the show's clock! We're in a time warp!

That face like she smelled something bad - must be Logan.

Jack is gonna vodka the Russian pres' eyeballs. I know it.

Since when does the President carry a private cell phone? Obama raised all kinds of security issues when he thought about doing it.

"Also, I used your credit card Mdme. President to join Columbia House DVD Club."

I think Madam President should drink some more vodka.

So now President Woman President is starting to get a conscious now?

Charles, I expected much happier news from you!

Bauer doesn't know this.

Yeah, he does dirtbag. And he's listening to you RIGHT NOW.

Ooooooh. She's going to see him at the signing! That'll scare him!!

Andy, you rock. I have Spamalot on my iPod. "Bauer, can you hear me?" :)

How come there are all kinds of diplomats from little countries when only the big players would count in this sort of thing?

Ramparts was more of a man than Logan will ever be.

YAY get the weinie!

President Woman President is holding a Tupperware party featuring the signing of the Peace Treaty?

Even without the Russians?

My apologies. I had to finish conspiring to destroy the entire world and, you know, cellphone reception being what it is ...

Jason, if you had your tongue any further up Logan's butt it would be a world record.

Yay Jack!

Stealth Jack!!!

Treatment? Jack don't need any steenkin' treatment!


Too bad it's Russian secret service.

Jack can be very persuasive when he wnats to be.

Hey Jason, the good news is, you found him.

That's also the bad news.

"Ok, just don't get blood on the seats, it's my Dad's car."


Jack don't need no treatment! He has special spinal fluid last season!

Gut him, Jack.

It's a hybrid SUV, they're still a green show!

YEAH!!! A car-Jacking! Literally!

Zubarov sounds like 1/2 of a Russian tag team wrestling in the WWF.....

Jack, don't do the Bond Bad Guy thing! Don't tell everyone your plans! Now you HAVE to kill him!

14 minutes in and nothing has happened. We are going the correct pace so far.

Sulu has turned into creepy-neighbor-guy.

Phasers locked on target, Mr. Sulu - Suvarov's limo.

Johnny Depp's pretty good.

Is it me or is the Sea Horse yellow ?

Yes, bonmot. Pretty. Good.


So what lab does Mr. Sulu work for, wearing his white coat? And why does he watch sea life all day long?

The Home Station now sells plants. Do they sell hemp?
Seriously, hemp oil, not hemp seed oil, may be a supressed cure for everything. But you'll be too stoned to care.

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