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May 14, 2010

CSI: MILWAUKEE

Police respond to a report of sexual assault and find reptiles, spiders, five anacondas and a chicken

(Thanks to Kit Case, who asks "Wait, this wasn't in Florida?")

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Hellova party.

Yes but were the reptiles, spiders,five anacondas and sole chicken involved with the sexual assault? Enquiring minds want to know. Shoddy reporting.

Sounds kinda kinky to me. And who was the assaultee?

Hundreds of reptiles sounds like a typical Friday night at the local bar.

Does a 30-foot anaconda set a new record, or come close to the old onee? Also, she wasn't raising reptiles, she was ranching them! Is there a purse/shoe factory out back? Inquiring minds want to know!

Maybe it was a clinic for a reptile dysfunction.

This sounds like my poor mom's hallucinations... the officers weren't on painkillers?

Musta been Superchicken if it survived among 5 anacondas.

Thanks to Kit Case, who asks "Wait, this wasn't in Florida?"

Kit, had this been in Florida it wouldn't even have made the news.

If it has been Florida, they also would have found a shark.

^takes down s and repaces it with a d

People routinely see wild animals as being larger than they are. I investigated a report of a "mountain lion" once. When I got through interviewing the witnesses and asking them how high the animal would have been next to me, I concluded that they had seen a medium-sized bobcat.
Bobcats are larger than house cats but no danger at all if you don't do something really, really stupid.

The report speaks of "the reptiles and rodents". Also lists:

"reptiles including alligators and snakes": check
"snakes ... along with spiders and a chicken": uh, check

So, now spiders and/or chickens are rodents? Who gnu!

Not much said about the "sexual assault". Wanna bet some anonymous neighbor figured that such a tip was the best way to get the menagerie cleared out? Either that, or the squawks of the understandably distraught chicken were misinterpreted...

Maybe it was a clinic for a reptile dysfunction.
Good one bonmot. That was also my first thought.

Voodoo Rasta Night Milwaukee.

No word about any dead squids, so no assault.

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