Dave Barry's Blog

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

French flag bottom-wiping causes anger

(Thanks to catmanmax)

NATURE

It's not always pretty.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WHY IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO QUIT BEFORE THAT 13TH OR 14TH BEER

Man wakes up wrapped in sticky tape

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

ALERT THE PULITZER JUDGES

Dog injures nose

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

UPDATE!

BECAUSE ONE JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ENOUGH

Para Moth Balls

(Thanks to Todd Clarke)

THE DOG WILL RECEIVE STREISAND TICKETS

A RESTAURANT in a northwest suburb of Adelaide that refused a blind man entry because it thought his guide dog was "gay" was ordered by the Equal Opportunity Tribunal to pay him $1500.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN YOU DECIDE WHICH REPORTER TO ASSIGN TO A STORY

...you need to give it some thought.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THIS HAPPENS TO US ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU DON'T SEE US CALLING THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

Naperville dog becomes stuck in recliner

(Thanks to trustf8 and Not My Usual Alias)

POLITICAL NOTE FROM DOWN UNDER

Chair-sniffing treasurer apologises for affair

(Also thanks to Joe)

WHICH IS WHY IT IS A REQUIRED COURSE IN MEDICAL SCHOOL

A New York state 12-year-old saved the life of a friend using the Heimlich maneuver, which she learned from watching "SpongeBob Square Pants."

(Thanks to Joe Still in Outer Japan)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Three people have been hospitalised after an angry goat invaded a nursing home in Melbourne, Australia, and went on a rampage that ended only when it was caught by police.

(Thanks to Joe in Outer Japan)

We're wondering how they knew it was angry.

SEX TOYS

They're not just for adults.

Advisory: Not 100 percent SFW.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WE SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST REMAINDERS UPDATE, UNLESS THERE IS ANOTHER ONE

A rave review. Or at least a review.

HE HAS OUR VOTE

Stoney for Senate

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

As far as this blog is concerned, this man is a hero.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and funnyman)

Update: Hey! We can send them to England!

(Thanks to DavCat)

THE LONG, UM, ARM OF THE LAW

Police barred from penis enlargement

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Markus)

MUSICAL HIGHLIGHT FROM LAST NIGHT

Amy Tan establishes her dominance over Roy Blount Jr.

IT WAS A ROUGH NIGHT

 

(Thanks to Ted)
 

REMAINDERS UPDATE

We're on the train from New York to Boston, where we play our last show tonight. We had a fun show last night in New York (thanks to the blog folks who came out) (we apologize for "Charlie Brown") followed by one or two or possibly four beverages, which made it extra fun to get up early for the train. On the train with us are the Rolling Stones (all the top bands travel by train) featuring Keith Richards, shown here searching the luggage compartment for narcotics.

ENVIRONMENTAL UPDATE

Whale poo could aid climate, say Aussie scientists

(Thanks to Ralph)

A CAUSE WE KNOW ALMOST EVERYONE ON THE BLOG WILL SUPPORT

A US student has attracted 30,000 supporters for a Facebook campaign urging women to show as much cleavage as possible to prove that breasts do not cause earthquakes.

(Thanks to men of the male persuasion Ralph K., Jeff Meyerson, catmanmax, Baron vonKlyff, JG and Lord Greg)

YOUR TAX DOLLARS

...hard at work.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THERE ARE FEW THINGS SCARIER

...than a woman on a blowgun spree.

Key Quote: She allegedly told an officer that she "liked to hear people say ouch."

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

REMAINDERS UPDATE

Today we're heading to New York, because if you can make it there, you are not us. We'll be playing at 8:30 at the Nokia Theater, and I am fairly certain that tickets are still available. We plan to introduce a new song or two, and we have gone so far as to try to figure them out ahead of time. Here's a photo of Ridley and me practicing in the train station in Philadelphia. (Ridley is trying out an experimental bass position.)

Last night we had a fine show in Philadelphia at the Electric Factory to benefit the Philadelphia Free Library. Thanks to everybody who came, and to the Electric Factory, which has a green room equipped with a camel, shown here with Roy Blount Jr. and me. If this picture appears fuzzy, it's because we were.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

The Remainders are on tour.

THE APOCALYPSE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

But the sheep-pigs are here.

(Thanks to Steve Huete, Michael Ester and the luscious Craig Ferguson)

WE KNOW PLENTY OF DOG OWNERS WHO COULD USE THIS

And their dogs could too.

(Thanks to Gail Epstein)

REMAINDERS UPDATE

We had a fine show in DC last night; thanks to all who came out. At the hotel after the show Roger McGuinn attempted "Turn Turn Turn" again on the karaoke machine, and this time he got a 98, so his hard work is paying off.
This is a dramatic CrapCam action photo of some of the band at the Washington train station. We're traveling to Philadelphia for a show tonight at the Electric Factory. We hope you can make it. Roger won't be there, but the rest of us are having some success with playing some of the "chords" at the same time.

Here I am on the train with Roy Blount Jr., who is the funniest human on Earth.

CSI: ORFORDVILLE

In a string of recent burglaries, thieves have targeted dairy farmers to steal a valuable commodity: bull semen.

Key investigative quote: “I can’t believe it’s terribly widespread or we would have caught wind of it.”

(Thanks to padraig)

OOPSIE

You mean you saw that?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Video addition

PLUS, THINK OF ALL THE SALES OF CUTE EXERCISE OUTFITS

According to his calculations, if the world’s 1.3 billion cattle used treadmills for eight hours a day, they could produce six percent of the world’s power.

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

TOO BAD WE DIDN'T HAVE THESE IN THE 60s

... if you catch our drift.

(Thanks to jon harris)

CHIHUAHUA OF THE YEAR

Blue Ash officials have defended Johnson and Officer Roger Pohlman, who shot the dog three times before he released his grip on Johnson's hand. His Taser had had no effect on the dog.

(Thanks to JT who points out this story is "not exactly funny." So please, hold your angry emails.)

DC REMAINDERS UPDATE

Last night the band was interviewed by journalism legend Sam Donaldson, shown below with me and Roger McGuinn as we waited to go on. Later on everybody went to a Mexican restaurant where some of us had more margaritas than we really needed.
True Anecdote: Amy Tan brought a portable karaoke device on the tour, and we were using it in the hotel, and we got Roger to sing along to "Turn Turn Turn," which he sang on the original Byrds recording. The machine rates each performance on a scale of zero to 100, and it gave Roger a 96 on "Turn Turn Turn." We told him he's going to have to do better if he wants to have a career in the music business.

Roger will be playing with us tonight in Washington at the 930 Club. Come on out and join us. It's for a good cause, and you can rate Roger's performance on "Turn Turn Turn."

UPDATE from the s.b.: Ted tells us there will be regular video updates on the Remainders blog, so keep checking back.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM

...for still more Remainderblog. (Note especially the All Things Considered entry)

ROCKDATE

Behind the scenes with the Remainders

(Thanks to MulletTed for the link)

REMAINDERS UPDATE

Last night, in lieu of rehearsing, the Remainders had dinner in Washington, D.C. I sat with the great Roger McGuinn, who showed me how to fold my napkin into a bird of paradise, or in this case a Byrd of paradise.

If you had told me, back in the Sixties, that some day I would be taking napkin-folding lessons from Roger McGuinn, I would have said you were high, and you would have been, because it was the Sixties.

Anyway, Roger will be performing with us here in Washington, although unfortunately not in the other three cities. But we still hope you can come see us, wherever you are. It's for a good cause, and as a musical bonus we are attempting to learn several new whaddyacallems. Chords.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Renee finally had sex, and it was a truly romantic and beautiful thing, except for the sniper. A lesson that we all, as Americans, should take away from this tragic episode is: close the blinds.

So now Renee has gone to that Big Wrap Party in the Sky, and Jack is really ticked off at the Russians. President Woman President is also unhappy with the Russians, because they're trying to sabotage the All Important Peace Procezzzzzz

Sorry! We tend to nod off whenever we think about the A.I.P.P. We wish everybody would just shut up about it so we can get on with the part where Jack works through his grief by shooting or stabbing or barehandedly removing the larynxes of as many Russians as humanly possible.

In other developments, Chloe is now in charge of CTU. We think this is great. We wish Chloe were in charge of the whole federal government and routinely tasered it in the butt.

Edgar is still dead.

Tragically, I will not be able to join you tonight, as I am on the road with the World Famous In Some Circles Rock Bottom Remainders, as we prepare for our big international tour of four U.S. cities. We'll be raising money for good causes, so if you can make it to one of the shows, please do. We promise that there will be great music, by which we mean alcohol.

Speaking of great, The Amazing Steve will be discussing the plot in the comments section following tonight's show. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll.

Are you sad that Renee got sniped?
	Yes, because Renee was hot AND psychotic.
	No, because now Jack is motivated to engage in acts of mass carnage.
	I was hoping that the sniper would be a really bad shot and hit Audrey.
	The Yankees SUCK.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Revenge Justice Time. Be on this site, or be a seriously disadvantaged knight.

NEVER MIX ALCOHOL AND FURNITURE ON A TOBOGGAN HILL

However, police had to break up the party after several dangerous couch crashes and open alcohol consumption.

(Thanks to Paul Ashford)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

Man loses licence after drink-driving in toy Barbie car

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT GOES GREAT WITH THAT DUNG COFFEE

Locust swarm inspires new pizza topping

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

WE'RE GOING TO NEED MORE MELTED BUTTER

Giant African Snails

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Supercomputer mimics brain of cat

(Thanks to Shari, who says: "They haven't figured out how to make the computer shred your furniture or throw up on your carpet, so I assume another grant is being drafted to research this.")

WE'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT

From Dung to Coffee Brew With No Aftertaste

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

WE KNEW WOMEN WERE BEHIND IT

A senior Iranian cleric has claimed that dolled-up women incite extramarital sex, causing more earthquakes in Iran, a country that straddles several fault lines, newspapers reported on Saturday.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS FEVER

It's still mounting.

NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Women want nookie as much as the next bloke

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

OOPS

An Australian publisher has had to pulp and reprint a cook-book after one recipe listed "salt and freshly ground black people" instead of black pepper.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan, Ralph and Horace LaBadie)

ALL OF WHICH SHOULD BE BANNED

Police: Raid turned up guns, pot, baby alligators

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)