Dave Barry's Blog

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Smart underpants.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT

...clap your hair.

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

We are unable to link to this.

(Thanks to jtd7)

PETER AND THE WHAT?

PRISON LIFE

It can get lonely.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY YOU SHOULD PAY YOUR BILLS

"I started to go back and write another note, but I just decided to give her poop back," Hofmann said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MARRIED COUPLES:

Don't let flatulence molecules ruin your sleep.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

UPDATE: In related news;

Flatulent orange superhero has a blast in British poll

We definitely need to send that guy to Washington.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

HE CAN STILL DRIVE LEGALLY IN FLORIDA

An embalmed person is mounted on his motorcycle.

(Thanks to Gregg Geill and Mr. Michael, who says: "What, no helmet?")

WE BET THE TROOPS ARE THRILLED

Spikes Tactical, a company that sells high-powered weapons in Central Florida, has been attracting quite a bit of attention lately,,, Large white letters on the windows of its vehicles read: "Stay 100 meters back, or you will be shot."

The owner of Spikes Tactical says it's his way of supporting our troops overseas.

(Thanks to Clown Puppy)

REMAINDERS FLASHBACK

Here's a video of Roger McGuinn in the band hotel attempting to better his previous scores of 96 and 97 singing "Turn Turn Turn" on Amy Tan's karaoke machine, which demands that you REALLY BELT OUT THE SONG. Offering encouragement in the background are various band members, some of whom may have had a beverage or seven.

Advisory: Some of the band members use coarse language, but only in heartfelt support of Roger.

ATTENTION, LADIES:

Scientists have invented what women want in a man - the sensitivity spray. They say it is capable of turning the most macho of hunks into a dewy-eyed baby-kisser who says all the right things and stops going down the pub.

BEFORE:



AFTER:



(Thanks to fivver)

FUN KID

Police questioned her son, and he admitted he had put the antifreeze into the coffee maker as a practical joke.

(Thanks to queensbee)

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR TOILET?

It can happen.

SOUNDS LIKE A COUNTRY SONG

We got tadpoles in our Tupperware

And all of them got names...

WE ARE HARDLY SURPRISED

Jim Beam Found Drunk In Public

(Thanks to marfie)

THE APOCALYPSE

It's here.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WE DON'T SEE IT, OURSELVES

Nursecindy says she thinks the oil spill looks, quote, "interesting."

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

Drunken man's pants found two days later

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

,,,is on the way.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

The Fairfield Department of Health has closed its building in Lancaster for three days to treat it for a flea infestation.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

WHY WE MEN DON'T LIKE TO ANSWER WHEN YOU WOMEN ASK US HOW YOU LOOK IN THOSE PANTS

It's risky.

(Thanks to catmanmax, Chuck Cody and nursecindy)

POSSIBLE CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING

Operation Windbreak

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG

... to bring you some column-related news. We don't know if you have noticed, but we are once again posting a "classic" column on the Dave Barry page each Sunday. Some of these will be local stories that may not have been syndicated, and some will be a little more "classic" than others, if you know what we mean. If you have any favorites, be sure to let us know (and put "classic column" in the subject line, please). This one was requested by a reader from Australia.

Thank you. (Many thanks, also, to the amazing Bert for his assistance and advice.)

We now return you to your regular afternoon blogginess.

MOM OF THE YEAR

Helping a group of Girl Scouts earn their "Safety First" merit badges.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

MEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Veronica C., a woman)

STEP ONE: SET UP AN INEFFECTIVE PERIMETER AROUND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

Labour calls in 24 director to revive election campaign

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

The man, who had no nautical guides and only had a roadmap to navigate by, had been trying to sail from Gillingham, about 35 miles east of London, to Southampton on April 19 by following the southern coast of England.

But he ended simply doing laps of the 36-square mile Isle of Sheppey a short distance away in the mouth of the Thames.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

An egg-throwing melee in the Ukrainian parliament, the Rada, accompanied ratification of a controversial agreement to extend the lease of Russia's Black Sea Fleet in the Crimean port city of Sevastopol for at least 25 years.

(Thanks to CJrun)

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER HOOK

Idaho Scientists Find 3-Foot-Long Spitting Earthworm

(Thanks to Ralph, Gerry Sillivan, bonmot and Alaska Marty)

WE VOLUNTEER THE SERVICES OF THE LADIES OF THE BLOG

"A witch hunt for men with tanned and muscular bodies on the beach is the last thing anybody wants," he said.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE DID OUR BEST

Scantily clad women fail to cause earthquake

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

Additional information for scientific evaluation purposes only, from Allen at Division

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR CIVILIANS TO POSSESS THOSE THINGS

Two men charged after attack with ceramic frog

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WORKS GREAT, EXCEPT FOR GOING ONLY TWO MILES PER HOUR AND STOPPING EVERY 50 FEET TO POOP

Amtrak Trials First Cow-Powered Train

(Thanks to RussellMc)

Question: "Trials?"

WE HAVE THE SAME REACTION WHEN WE THINK ABOUT ALL THE HOURS WE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET

Kiefer Sutherland fought back tears as he wrapped hit show 24 - because leaving the series after nine years was "much more difficult" than he anticipated.

(Thanks to Reggie Robinson)

OR YOU COULD JUST WEAR PANTS THAT... NAH, THAT'S CRAZY TALK

The 'Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield' solves unsightly bum crack problems

(Thanks to Siouxie and bonmot)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A Lewiston, Minn., man told Winona police he lost control of his car and crashed it into a power line pole because his dog puked on him, police said.

(Thanks to trustf8)

WAIT A MINUTE

...didn't we already cover this?

(Thanks to Johanna Reilly)

CSI: FORT WALTON BEACH

Driver gives fake name, but can't spell it, police say

(Thanks to trustf8)

HEALTH-CARE REFORM WE CAN BELIEVE IN

Sex and dancing.

(Also thanks to A. at D.)

THOSE ARE SOME HAPPY PANTS

Border authorities say a Michigan man driving into the United States was caught trying to smuggle thousands of Ecstasy tablets under his pants.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S A START

Anti-graffiti crew accidentally paints over Banksy art in Melbourne CBD

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Alien Crayfish

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

BOOBQUAKE UPDATE

Clearly, a lot more study is needed.

(Thanks to many people, almost all of them guys)

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack, devastated about Renee getting sniped out of the plot, is trying to work through his feelings of grief and loss by whacking the Russians who whacked her. But President Woman President ordered Jack to be locked down because she needs the Russians for the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry!  Anyway, as you would imagine, Jack did not respond well to being locked down. He stole a convenient helicopter and is now on his way toward the UN, thereby forcing Chloe, who is in charge of CTU, to order the Air Force to force him down. We frankly feel sorry for the Air Force.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section after the show as the Amazing Steve attempts to unravel the plot, which is no mean feat, as can be seen in this photograph of Steve holding the actual plot.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Is it necessary to refrigerate ketchup?
	No.
	Absolutely not.
	You notice they don't refrigerate ketchup in restaurants. It sits out on the tables for DAYS.
	That way, you're not wrecking your nice hot hamburger by pouring this cold glop onto it.
	Our guess is, the concept of refrigerating ketchup was invented by lawyers.
	The same is true of mustard.
	Mayonnaise is a different story.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Also, Mr. Bauer, you must return your seat to the upright and locked po sition.

UPDATE: Wait, that was the WHOLE HELICOPTER SEQUENCE? Lame-O-Rama.

UPDATE: Ethan sure recovered quickly from a serious heart attack.

UPDATE: Physical coercion! No!

UPDATE: "Pull out now." Heheheh.

UPDATE: Who is the Vegas-looking guy? We know him from before, right?

UPDATE: "An assortment of assault rifles." Yes, that's definitely how the "pros" order assault rifles.

UPDATE: "We do this right, we take Jack by surprise." Right!

UPDATE: I hate the Peace Agreement. I miss the Lethal Atomic Rods o' Doom.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: CTU: We're even less competent than you thought.

UPDATE: That Freddie Prinze Jr. sure can emote.

UPDATE: These men have some jowls.

UPDATE: It's a jowl-off.

UPDATE: OK,so at the beginning of this episode, Jack was trying to locate Dana Walsh, and at the end, Jack was still trying to locate Dana Walsh. In other words: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

UPDATE: Next week: Waterboarding! Dana gets loose! Take, it, The Amazing Steve.

HOMEOWNERS IN NON-TROPICAL STATES:

You may have your crabgrass, and your dandelions. But do you routinely have to clear away palm fronds much larger than Shaquille O'Neal?

BUT HE PROBABLY WAS SURPRISED

An American woman who blindfolded her husband and promised him a surprise, before hitting him in the head with a hammer, has been sentenced to 30 days at home with an ankle monitor.

(Thanks to Spechul Ed)

MEN OF BOSTON:

Mind your manners.

(Thanks to Poker)

TV-LAND

A disastrous place.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

Head wrapped in toilet paper, man robs store

(Thanks to queensbee)

Vaguely Related Crime here.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Lockdown Time. Be on this site, or be an amusingly shaped kite.