Dave Barry's Blog

EDUCATIONAL ADVISORY

Don't drink and teach.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, catmanmax, nursecindy and Siouxie)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS DIDN'T WORK

A ‘witch doctor’ has been jailed for eight months after claiming he could cure a blind man – by feeding him gherkins laced with LSD.

(Thanks to DavCat, Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

We saw the LSD-Laced Gherkins open for the Strawvberry Alarm Clock.

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

The shirtless 35-year-old man was covered with scrapes and cuts. He told the off-duty Bainbridge Island police officer who approached him Tuesday afternoon that he was "hunting werewolves and chuds" who could disguise themselves as humans.

(Thanks to Ron Gibb)

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MANEUVER

Agim Demiri of Naperville was in court for a child support case when he got upset and threw a raw egg at the presiding judge...

(Thanks to trustf8)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS OF LINCOLNSHIRE

Do not tailgate.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAVE GONE WRONG?

The call came in to the People's United Bank in Stratfield Center around 3:00 p.m. The caller stated that he was sending someone in and that the teller should hand over $100,000.

By the time one of the suspects walked into the bank, police were already on their way.

(Thanks to trustf8)

OH, SHUT UP

...help is on the way with Weiss's new handbook Eco-Sex, which leaves no stone unturned in its mission to bring the bedroom front and center into the battle to save the planet.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHICH IS WHY WE NEED TO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM

Terrorists Could Use Explosives in Breast Implants to Crash Planes, Experts Warn

(Thanks to catmanmax)

UPDATE: Related items here, here and here.

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR PURPORTING TO SHOW A 'SKATEBOARDING' OWL THAT IS ACTUALLY AN OWL PERCHED ON A TOY SKATEBOARD BEING PULLED ALONG THE GROUND AND NOT LOOKING ALL THAT THRILLED ABOUT IT (THE OWL, WE MEAN)

Make it this one.

(Thanks to Michelle Nelson, who speculates that "once this goes viral, there won't be a hotel room to be had in Folkestone.")

ORATORY UPDATE

Vice F*&#ing President Joe Biden states his position on health-care reform.

(Thanks to collins69s)

WAIT A MINUTE: ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT... OH, NEVER MIND

Former Florida inmate gets 15 years in prison for trying to break back into jail

(Thanks to many people)

LOOKING FOR A TASTEFUL FATHER'S DAY GIFT?

Keep looking.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

TOWNSHEND, VERMONT

A City Gripped by Fear

Chilling Excerpt: Not only did the thieves steal 16 to 20 roosters and hens, but they took a 20-pound Flemish giant rabbit and a miniature stallion as well.

(Thanks to Mary Allen)

EDUCATOR OF THE DAY SO FAR, WITH BONUS CHUCK-E.-CHEESE-VIOLENCE-EPIDEMIC ANGLE

A teacher has been fired from a southwest Houston private school for encouraging her students to punch a 5-year-old classmate during a field trip to a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Sugar Land, the school’s director said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD NAMES FOR A ROCK BAND

Weaponized Chili

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, shtanga, RussellMc, jon harris, Ron Gibb and James Jones)

Not to mention The Flaming Tatas.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week CTU headquarters was blown up by a bomb hidden in a car driven by Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's daughter Kayla, who was guided straight from the terrorist hideout to the CTU entrance tunnel by the crack CTU team. That's right: The agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorism, through its own cluelessness, managed to get itself incapacitated by a terrorist bomb.

So now, with CTU even more dysfunctional than usual, there is nobody to stop the terrorists from bringing the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan except our boy Jack Bauer, who has fully recovered from being stabbed in the stomach by his girlfriend Renee three hours ago and is now, we hope, going to swing into action, by which we mean something more than shouting into the phone.

Speaking of the terrorists: Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is apparently still one of them, since he set Kayla up to be disintegrated, although she managed to get out of the car just in time, so maybe they will still have Feelings for each other.

In subplot action:

Bill Prady, the world's most diligent parole officer, is hanging around asking Dana pesky questions about her ex-boyfriend Kevin. We have no idea where this subplot is going, but it refuses to go away, so we're starting to wonder if maybe Agent Walsh is a mole, seeing as how CTU is required by law to always have one on the payroll.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section after the show for the traditional impossibly quick analysis by The Amazing Steve, who we suspect is using time travel. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Dana is a mole?
	No.
	Yes, but you can't see it unless she removes her... Oh, IS a mole. Yes.
	If they use the mole plot twist one more time, I am going to shoot the writers in the head.
	Not that this would cause them to suffer any serious damage.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: The terrorists set off a Dramatically Sparking Wires Bomb.

UPDATE: "Agent Skaggs?"

UPDATE: Phil can shut down all bridge and tunnel traffic into the city. Phil has that power.

UPDATE: Those terrorists are some BAD shots.

UPDATE: I love when they tell where the bad guys are using the o'clock system.

UPDATE: That guy is SO clearly fake that only a moron, or Hastings, would believe him.

UPDATE: Unless I am wrong.

UPDATE: This here is some really bad acting.

UPDATE: Check out Jack's tasteful bachelor apartment!

UPDATE: YES! CHLOE!

UPDATE: The lesson: Never get between a woman and her trunk line.

UPDATE: Meanwhile, Jack and the terrorists are setting a world record for Most Missed Shots.

UPDATE: It's a good thing everybody thought to bring along 67 million bullets.

UPDATE: Chloe has taken precautions.

UPDATE: Hastings does not appear surprised that a probation officer from Arkansas would appear at CTU headquarters at 5 a.m. during a terrorist attack.

UPDATE: Jack is hit! But it's only a bullet wound. He will be fine. This is the shootingest episode EVER. But it does lead one to ask how come Renee could find Jack in, what, 11 minutes, while CTU had to wait for Chloe to get into the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is definitely not following normal agent procedures.

UPDATE: Well knock us down with a feather. Agent Walsh IS a mole.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack is fine! And of course more shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

ADVISORY

Tonight at 9 p.m. EMP Time. Be on hand, or be a gland.

LOOKS FINE TO US

'I am not in the office': How an automated email reply ended up on a Welsh road sign

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TODAY'S FILM-STAR UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you today's film-star update.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

A PAIR OF SHOCKING NEWS ITEMS

Brits dress badly.

Men are scum.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

UPDATE ON THE NEWCASTLE SEX ASBO WOMAN

She is at it again.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

MOST DISTURBING DIAPER-AD IMAGE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

We don't want to think about what's in this tank.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NEWS OF THE EASILY EXCITED

Members of a yacht club in Annapolis, Md., said the site hosted an event that welcomed spring by burning the socks of excited participants.

(Thanks to DavCat)

NO WORD YET ON THE FRENCH RESPONSE

Unexploded Second World War bombs at an Austrian airfield threaten to shut down a May concert by metal rockers AC/DC.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS BLOG IS ON BOARD

Save Boogertown

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

MUSIC UPDATE

OK, maybe not technically "music."

More here.

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

It's getting so a man can't climb naked on a billboard.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WHEN YOU WANT A PLACE TO TAKE THE KIDS IN MURFREESBORO

One restaurant springs immediately to mind.

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)

ADVISORY TO EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA:

Don't jog.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UNLESS YOU COUNT THE VIEWING AUDIENCE OF 'JERSEY SHORE'

In a New York art gallery, seven house plants have spent the last seven weeks watching "Strange Skies," probably the first travel documentary for a vegetable audience.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TODAY'S TIP FOR CRIMINALS:

If you're planning to drive around committing robbery, it's a good idea to use a nondescript vehicle.

(Thanks to Rick Harover)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DEAD

The Shark-Bitten Crocodile Poop Fossils

(Thanks to Ralph, DavCat and Chuck Cody)

WE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART

But we know what makes us uncomfortable.

(Thanks to Ralph and DavCat)

THE HAZARDS OF MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS

A Niagara Falls man claims that on two occasions he was just minding his own business outside a city bar when he was shot in the head.

(Thanks to Michael McNelis)

WOW

On Monday he fried up some bacon, put on rubber gloves, and went and wrapped the presents in bacon. By Tuesday, all the bacon-wrapped presents were gone.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THEN SHE SHOULD LEAVE CANADA

A Nova Scotia woman is tired of being declared dead.

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Sacred Kingdom suffers twisted bowel

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

CSI: ST. LUCIE

Florida authorities said an 80-year-old man was arrested for attacking his neighbors' door with a garden hoe because he thought they stole his cookies.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Scientists have figured out how to make fruit-fly sperm glow.

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

CRICKET

An action sport.

(Thanks to Bill Moore, who sent this in for judi)

ADVICE TO POT GROWERS

Keep it down.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ARTIST MOM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Aw.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

CHECK OUT THOSE TOMATOES

Topless gardening.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU KNOW HOW DOGS GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN YOU TAKE THEM FOR A WALK?

Imagine what's going through the mind of THIS dog.

(Thanks to wiredog)

WAIT UNTIL HE FINDS OUT WHAT 'ANDY' MEANS IN CHINESE

Name change of the week so far.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

ATTENTION SAMUEL JACKSON

Snake in a bra.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Anil Haji)

THAT'S THE FIRST STEP TOWARD CONQUERING IT

Naked Swiss brothel fire man speaks of bum anonymity fear

WARNING: Bum alert.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YEEPERS

A Mount Washington man was sleeping in his apartment early this morning when he felt someone get into bed with him.

Figuring it was his girlfriend, he called out her name.

A deep male voice replied, "No it's not."

(Thanks to Ben)

ATTENTION, WHOEVER IS BOOKING THE NEXT SUPER BOWL HALFTIME ACT:

You need to get in touch with this guy.

Key Quote: We would play covers of the bands I mentioned but when it's time for the guitar solo, i will drop my pants. I have an urethral implant that I can set up to emit a small flame of natural gas and will light it on fire.

WARNING: Some naughty wordage.

(Thanks to Steve [The Other Steve] Lancaster)