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March 31, 2010

CURMUDGEON UPDATE FROM THE S.B.¹

In MY day, when we needed to raise money for something, we went to our neighbors and our parents' friends and people at our church, and badgered them into buying cookies or useless tchotchkes that no one would ever use. Or we held a car wash, or we had a spaghetti dinner down at the Junior High, or something, you know, normal.

It never would have occurred to us to write to celebrities or politicians (except maybe the mayor of Mt. Healthy² since he was surely someone's neighbor) to ask them to give us money so that we could go do something fun in New York or Paris with our musical group, scout troop, or club. When did this insane practice start? Who decided it would be a good idea, and what on earth made them think it would work? Do group leaders learn this tactic in Group Leader school? Do all the children in a given organization then blindly follow the directive of said leader, without telling their parents or any other authority figure who might talk some sense into them? Or are entire towns taken over by some strange mental health epidemic wherein they think Famous People just have no idea what to DO with all the buckets of cash they have sitting around in their living rooms³ and are itching to give some of it (it's so untidy!) to some random teenager, if only they knew of a random teenager to give it to, but unfortunately there are no teenagers in Famous People Land? Or what?

This has been today's Curmudgeon Update from the s.b.

¹See the Acronyms file on your left
²A refuge from the great cholera epidemic of 1850.
³Famous people often have more than one.

COLOR THIS BLOG SHOCKED

Caffe Boa and Boa Bistro have touched a nerve with their plans to serve a rabbit-based menu on Easter Sunday.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NOT TO US THEY DON'T

Urine Sprays During Courtship Send Mixed Messages

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

There's a gorilla on Mars.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FUN COUPLE

Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Trafford Council cracks down on the sale of goldfish to minors.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

THIS EMAIL MUST BE LEGITIMATE, BECAUSE IT COMES FROM AN FBI AGENT

Hello honest people.........
We got your contact from our Microsoft data-base system.
This is to inform you all that have lost money to Scammers in Africa, Europe and USA. We hear by inform you there is quick opportunity for you mostly on lottery. My name is FBI brad Martins I assure you am doing all I can to get your lost money back in 2 days . I know what scam means. I work with the global scam Fither in CA 93535.we have all the global scam computer to trace all Scammers Name and location. Reply back to us. We just caught a scammer now, and we found some money with him, we are returning it back to those involves.
This mean your money will be refund back to you.
Get back to the FBI through this email for immediate response
[email protected]

HEY! THAT'S EXACTLY HOW WE CELEBRATED EARTH HOUR!

Earth Hour almost ended in cat-astrophe this year for Environment Minister Barry Penner.

While Penner and his wife Daris were enjoying a romantic candlelight dinner, their five-year-old cat, Ranger, set himself on fire by brushing against a flame.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

UPDATE: Vaguely related item here.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

SUAVE

Man breaks into North Alabama home, claims to be Jesus Christ and says he is there to have sex

(Thanks to Rick Day)

March 30, 2010

IF YOU'RE A FAN OF GREAT ACTING AND GREAT SPECIAL EFFECTS AND SCENES WHEREIN A GUY LIES ON HIS BACK AND FIGHTS GIANT MUTANT KILLER FISH WITH HIS FEET

...then you must NOT miss Mega Piranha.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOW A MAN COOKS BACON

A man uses a machine gun.

(Thanks to danceswithvowels and John Gregg)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE COCKTAIL SAUCE

Yeepers.

Giant Isopod 2_doomsday_604x341

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THERE'S HARA-KIRI

...and then there's this.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO INVEST IN THE INTERNATIONAL BANANA MUSEUM

...you can pay $1,625 for this T-shirt.

Alg_tshirt

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY OF THE DAY SO FAR

The International Banana Museum did not find a taker on eBay this weekend, so the owner has reposted his auction ... and doubled his price.

(Thanks to Pirateboy)

YUM

Zebra pizza.

Name of Pizza Entrepreneur That We Are Not Making Fun Of Because Of Our Strict Policy: "Arash Fard."

(Thanks to John Gregg)

NO SIGN OF THE MARIO BROTHERS

They found Pac-man on the moon.

_47557147_pac_nasa_466

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)


IT BEATS GOLF

A man who has been charged with making a naked dash through a Tennessee supermarket told police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and nursecindy)

LADIES:

THANK (burpppp) you.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

March 29, 2010

24

Here is where we stand:

The terrorists are transporting the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan aboard an inflatable boat. Jack tried to stop them by engaging in a gunfight, during which more shots were fired than in all of World War II; unfortunately the police never showed up to help because this battle took place in a remote, deserted, desolate and uninhabited part of New York City, namely, Brooklyn. During the fight Jack got shot and now has a collapsed lung, which for a human would be serious but for Jack is the medical equivalent of dandruff.

Meanwhile at CTU headquarters:

-- Chloe, after pulling a gun on a generic 24 moron authority figure, tapped into the trunk line and got CTU back into operation, thus enabling the crack CTU team to resume the vital work of not having a clue what is going on.

-- Agent Dana Walsh strangled probation officer Bill Prady and phoned the terrorists, thus establishing that she is either a mole or even dumber than she previously seemed.

-- Edgar is still dead.

At this point you are asking yourself: Why is this night different from all other nights? The answer is: It's Passover, which means here in the Barry household we are hosting a traditional Jewish-Prebyterian seder, which means I might be joining you late, or (depending on the level of strictly religious wine consumption) not at all. But I'm sure you'll all supply your usual shrewd analysis in the comments section. Be sure to stay tuned after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Jack will be hampered by his collapsed lung?
Don't be an idiot.
Jack has four more lungs.
Jack can go for two weeks without oxygen.
Jack can breathe through his feet.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:OK! I'm here! Did I miss anything?

EXCUSE ME

We know we have posted about this before. But if you send something to someone, and you choose to cover every concievable entryway into the package with layers of impenetrable packing tape, you aren't going to, for instance, get your freaking book signed.

Signed -

OUCH! Dammit!

WE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS IN BOCA RATON

Ancient doorway to afterlife discovered in Egypt

(Thanks to Katie in FL)

TO THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP SENDING IN THE STORY ABOUT THE DRUNK ANIMAL-LOVER WHO ATTEMPTED TO REVIVE THE DEAD OPOSSUM

We already blogged that.

FEAR ON THE WESTERN RANGE

They're coming.

(Thanks to The Perts)

NO PERIMETER CAN HOLD IT

The Jack Bauer Terrier

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME AT SEA

The Popeye Squirt Gun

(Thanks to Peter

AN ANCIENT PASSOVER TRADITION

The cleaning of the laptop.

(Thanks to Shmuel Tennenhaus)

ATTENTION FACEBOOK USERS:

Take precautions.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS

A Rhode Island zookeeper has been treated at a hospital for minor head injuries and released after butting heads with a giraffe.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

It's getting so a man can't even befoul a car.

(Thanks to Ralph)

March 28, 2010

SEEKING IMMORTALITY?

 Eat Happy Meals.

(Thanks to Brian Tremblay)

SO THEY HAD TO LET HIM GO

Man exceeds breathalyser's limit

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

The flamethrower-scooter guy got busted.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR METALLICA

The Old Nimrods

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

March 27, 2010

A NATION MOURNS

It's official: There will be no 24 next year. This is bad for the economy, as literally thousands of moles will be unemployed.

(Thanks to many people)

LOOKING FOR A VACATION DESTINATION? CONSIDER WINCHESTER, INDIANA:

But besides his mounting financial troubles, Mr. Goltstein also must contend with bubbles the size of small houses that have sprouted from the pool of manure at his Union Go Dairy Farm. Some are 20 feet tall, inflated with the gas released by 21 million gallons of decomposing cow manure.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Scott Baker)

A MAN TRIES TO HELP A FELLOW CREATURE, AND LOOK WHAT HE GETS

State police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a dead opossum along a highway.

(Thanks to The Perts, Rod Kirby, haverfordbob, B'game, Tom Cuddy, Tim LaBerge, jon harris, Matt Loper and kara)

March 26, 2010

A REASON TO GO ON LIVING

Abba may reunite.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

TODAY'S MEDICAL UPDATE FROM CHINA

1574811
This has been today's medical update from China.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

GOOD NAME FOR A JEWISH ROCK BAND

Pirate Matzah

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Police removed several people they suspected were intoxicated from a public meeting about the fate of the alcohol ban in the Innu reserve of Natuashish, Labrador.

(Thanks to CJrun)

WE HAVE GOT TO OUTLAW THOSE THINGS

Man beaten with digeridoos in family feud

(Thanks to DavCat)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they want to take away a fundamental prisoner right.

(Thanks to Ralph)

A CAUSE WE CAN ALL GET BEHIND

The right to poo.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

ARMREST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Niles  woman says she suffered a concussion while watching "The Incredible Hulk" when she bent down to "discreetly" answer her phone and was hit in the head by the armrest that suddenly dropped down.

(Thanks to Deb in Rochester and Jeff Meyerson)

WHY WE AVOID TRIBECA

Coyotes.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

March 25, 2010

YOU KNOW THE DOLLAR IS IN TROUBLE

...when robbers hold up a Taco Bell for food.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GAME SHOW UPDATE

Oops.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

An Illinois woman said a goose with romantic intentions toward a concrete  statue held her hostage in her home for several hours.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WEARING?

Oh.

(Thanks to Josh)

 
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