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February 22, 2010

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, after being tortured via jumper cables and the Thumb of Pain, singlehandedly killed approximately six dozen Russian mobsters and captured Bazhaev, the Russian mobster-in-chief, who chased Jack around a smallish dining room firing approximately two million rounds, all of which fortunately missed. Jack finally took him down using Table Fu.

Bazhaev revealed the location of the truck containing the Nuclear Death Rods of Lethal Atomic Doom, but when CTU agent Freddie Prinze Jr. got to the truck, it contained, in a shocking plot twist…

…Jimmy Hoffa.

No, seriously, it contained two more deceased Russian mobsters, who were whacked by Bazhaev's son Josef, who has stolen the Atomic Doom rods. He is angry because (a) Bazhaev shot his brother, Oleg, and (b) he is the only Russian mobster without an accent. His plan is to sell the rods to Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's evil brother, Farhad, who is angry because his name is "Farhad."

Meanwhile in subplot action:

CTU chief Hastings has ordered a full psychiatric evaluation of Renee.

Highly qualified Agent Dana Walsh has apparently decided to whack her pesky ex-boyfriend Kevin.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section afterward for an informative wrapup by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here is a poll:

Given that the nuclear rods are in large radioactive crates that must be transported by truck, and are in the same city as CTU, will CTU find them?
Yes.
Only if the truck crashes into CTU headquarters bearing a sign that says "NUCLEAR RODS."
And even then they might not notice, what with the various subplots.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Hey, he punched House.

UPDATE: So.... couldn't they maybe alert the actual NYC police? Who would be in Queens already? Nah.

UPDATE: You did nothing wrong, Renee, stabbing that guy 387 times and then stabbing me in the stomach.

UPDATE: OK, I know I have asked this before, but why do they keep calling their phones "PDAs," as though they're carrying 1997 Palm Pilots? Is it some sponsor thing? Congress needs to look into this.

UPDATE: Maybe Renee will stab Miss Smith.

UPDATE: "The Americans are not stupid, Farhad." Clearly he has never watched this show.

UPDATE: I think Farhad is toast.

UPDATE: They're gonna put the rods into a Toyota.

UPDATE: Jack spends roughly half of his life getting into and out of CTU custody.

UPDATE: Farhad is a wiry li'l rascal.

UPDATE: "Give us the room."

UPDATE: "I thought YOU had the rods." That, in a nutshell, is CTU.

UPDATE: How many employees does CTU have this season? Eight?

UPDATE: The van is rockin'!

UPDATE: Are they in some kind of jungle? In Queens?

UPDATE: "I want you in. With both feet." Kinky.

UPDATE: OK, Freddie Prinze Jr., just now noticed that she was holding a gun?

UPDATE: Are we supposed to feel bad about Kevin?

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Russian Mobster Time. Be on this blog, or be a mouse-bearing frog.

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THE NBA

Where the Amazing Happens

WE'RE ASSUMING...

...that both the driver and the dog had Florida licenses.

22622168_640X360
(Thanks to Ken Morgan)

VISITORS TO CANADA:

Stay away from Winnipeg.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)


POOLER, GA.

City of Romance

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

Update: Uniontown also makes a strong case.

(Thanks to nursecindy and Steve @ Secret Location)

TAMPA STRIPPERMOBILE UPDATE

"We'll modify performances based on the presumption of the demographic in certain areas," Lirot said.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Chuck Cody)

WE WERE GOING TO POST THIS EARLIER

But for some reason we never got around to it.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

February 19, 2010

FRONTIER JUSTICE

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

POLL

What do you think Tiger Woods will say in his press conference today?
He'll say he's very sorry.
He'll say he's been confused with a guy who looks exactly like him and is also named "Tiger Woods."
I don't know what he'll say, but while he's saying it the U.S. economy will grind to a halt.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE

POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR GREECE'S ECONOMIC PROBLEMS

Everybody's covered with flour.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

THEOLOGIAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Mr. Elton John.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'WHERE ARE THE KIDS, DEAR?'

"They're in the tree house."

"Again? What do you suppose they do up there?"

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE SURE IT WAS INTENDED IN THE SENSE OF 'IT HAS BEEN OUR PLEASURE TO SERVE YOU'

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

COLLEGE

It's still college, and this is good.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

February 18, 2010

SOMETIMES WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH ENGLAND

This is one of those times.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ONLY IF YOU LACK IMAGINATION

(Thanks to Guin)

SOMEHOW, IT'S EVEN CREEPIER THAN AN ACTUAL VAMPIRE

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

AND WE MIAMIANS THOUGHT THE SHARK ON THE PEOPLE MOVER WAS BAD

(Thanks to Leor)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are action-oriented.

(Thanks to JT)

GOOD THING WE HAVE OUR STRICT POLICY

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Save The Cheeses

(Thanks to LeDud)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

But an elderly woman, who firmly declined to give her name, gave him a piece of her mind, grabbing a nearby price scanner and beating him with it until he fled from the store, according to surveillance video of the scene.

Do NOT miss the video.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)


SEND IT TO AMERICAN IDOL

Weatherman attacked by pelican on live TV

(Thanks to catmanmax)

IF YOU'RE HAVING A HEART ATTACK IN SWITZERLAND...

...head for a brothel.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD AFTER ALL

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TODAY'S SHOCKING REVELATION FROM THE SUN

(Thanks to nursecindy and catmanmax)

HAR

A miraculous image of toast appears!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Update: Related item here.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

SOON TO BE DATING A KARDASHIAN SISTER

Caplin Rous the giant Internet-star rodent.

Article-1266419631111-08560885000005DC-231958_636x446
(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

IN MID-AIR?

Man with 'brutal' smell ejected from Air Canada flight

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

February 17, 2010

THE TRADITION CONTINUES

As some of you may recall, many years ago I embarrassed my son, Rob, by picking him up at middle school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Here's the column I wrote about that, and here's a photo taken after Rob got over his initial shock.

Robwm

As it happens, the Wienermobile (a newer model) is back in Miami, so today, fulfilling my parental duty, I picked up my daughter, Sophie, at her elementary school. She's only 9, so she didn't think it was hideously embarrassing. But I still enjoyed it immensely. There is nothing like the look on your child's face when she realizes that she will be riding home in a gigantic hot dog.

Soph
The pilots of this particular Wienermobile (there are six; this one is named "Yummy") were two fine young people, Adam "Attadog Adam" Hickey and Torey "Torey Toppings" Greenwald. They're both finishing a post-college year of driving the Wienermobile and will soon be seeking jobs in Real Life; if you're an employer, you should hire them, because they are smart and funny and cool.

Adam and Torey
Torey's only flaw is that she is a Gator. But we forgive her.

FASCISM UPDATE

It has crept into the St. Albans Pancake Race.

(Thanks to Lord G)

OOPS

Czech Doctors Left 12" Tool in Patient

(Thanks to nursecindy)

Note that this blog is too classy to make any joke involving the concept of a "12-inch tool."


UPDATE ON THE TEMPE TREE OF MANLINESS

It has gone down.

CREEPING FASCISM IN ITALY

Now they're going after our fundamental culinary rights.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

February 16, 2010

WE'RE SURE THEY HAD A GOOD REASON

2 Men Steal $2,000 Worth Of Panties

(Thanks to queensbee)

WINTER OLYMPICS UPDATE

They need to show more biathlon.

(Thanks to Brett)

ALCOHOL ETC.

Texas Police Blotter: Drunk Man 'Running from Chupacabra'

(Thanks to Chuck Cody, who saw Drunk Chupacabra open for Blue Oyster Cult)

HE IS EVERYWHERE

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to nursecindy)

For the record: This blog votes for "My Baby Does The Hanky Panky."

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Police arrest woman covered in Jell-O, drunk

(Thanks to Jeff Renner)

THERE IS NO REASON FOR CIVILIANS TO EVEN POSSESS THOSE THINGS

Man, 21, Claims He was Beaten With 3-Hole Punch

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Ralph)

IMAGINE THEIR CHRISTMAS PARTY

Mortuary technicians play with corpses

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

McDUDE

(Thanks to Justin Barber and Andrew)

 
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