24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Renee "went dark" (if you catch our meaning) (our meaning is "had sex") with the Russian mobster Vladimir in an effort to get him to arrange the sale of the Deadly Nuclear Rods of Death to Jack, who is posing as a non-credible German. Vladimir tried to have his henchpersons whack Jack, but of course that didn't work, so Vladimir has agreed to meet with Jack in what we are sure will be an amicable get-together.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

-- Bazhaev the kingpin Russian mobster, a believer in the tough-love school of parenting, shot his son Oleg, thus ending that particular subplot.
-- Highly qualified agent Dana Walsh met with her pondscum ex-boyfriend Kevin and gave him a keycard so he can go steal impounded drug money and then leave her alone forever, which of course will not happen, as Kevin is the persistent yeast infection of ex-boyfriends.
-- President Woman President and Generic Islamic Republic President Sham continue to blather ponderously about whatever in dramatically lit rooms.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after for the always helpful wrapup by the always Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Do we think Renee will survive this season?
	Yes.
	No.
	I'm not sure she'll make it to the first commercial break.
	This is off-topic, but: I have never once heard the Geico gecko say anything remotely clever.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:  Which is creepier: The Wolfman, or the E*Trade baby?

UPDATE: "Jack seems to be in control." Har.

UPDATE: The more psychotic Renee gets, the more men want her.

UPDATE: Somehow I think Kevin will find a way to screw this up.

UPDATE: 4660! That's MY code!

UPDATE: Section 3101! That's MY section!

UPDATE: Math is not Kevin's strong suit.

UPDATE: Jack so so going to kill this man.

UPDATE: Wait... he shot Oleg like 20 minutes ago, and already they're burying him?

UPDATE: The Semi of Doom.

UPDATE: Does Eric Clapton really need the money?

UPDATE: I mean, he's Eric Freaking Clapton.

UPDATE: Advertising a cellphone.

UPDATE: President Sham is a badass.

UPDATE: This is why you so rarely see Nobel Prize winners who live in trailers.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Where is Jack? Where is Chloe? Marwan?

UPDATE: Are these people not on U.S. soil? They can't detain anybody, right?

UPDATE: Renee IS Anthony Perkins.

UPDATE: Jack threw that knife BACKHANDED.

UPDATE: Just a stab wound to Jack's abdomen. The equivalent of a zit for a human.

UPDATE: I think Jack and Renee really could be a happy couple, except that he could never sleep safely when she was around.

UPDATE: The Rod People are coming!

UPDATE: That's a nasty fake shirt stain.

UPDATE: This show would not be able to exist without secret underground tunnels.

UPDATE: The thing about the Charles Barkley Taco Bell ad is, it raises the issue that if you eat at Taco Bell, you could look like Charles Barkley.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack gets jump-started. Take it, Amazing Steve.

Comments

[Tash]

Now Jack's gone underground.

[danceswithvowels]

Tunnels! Will those dastardly dastards stop at nothing in their evil masterminding?

[Diva]

A deserted road? NYC must be on the outskirts of LA. All we're missing is a barn.

[Gennita Low]

Hehehehe, Cassie re: cloak of invisibility

[Wes S.]

So the Official Russian Mafiya Rapid Response Unit arrived at Vladimir's place via the storm sewers?

Ok, whatever...

[Loudmouth]

Yeah, the Russians almost searched better.

[Cassie]

So are they going to meet up with the remaining members of the frogpeople that went into the White House last year?

[Gennita Low]

It's Jack's turn to go dark!

[Meanie the Blue]

They came directly from under the White House.

[Diva]

Well, Steve. I think you're recap is gonna be a short one tonight!

[Bassey]

NOT the sewers - don't they know about CHUD?

Actually, CHUD had better run, in case Renee heads down the manhole.

The word "manhole" makes me snicker like a 12 year old, BTW.

[padraig]

Y'know, when they split the screen into 3 or 4 different scenes, shouldn't something happen in at least ONE of them? I swear at one point they had a different character worriedly chewing on a knuckle in every frame.

[Gennita Low]

Cassie, that's a long tunnel from New York to DC!

[K-Doc]

Through the storm sewer that goes directly from under the UN to the White House.

[Jeff Meyerson]

As a long time resident of New York I can assume you that most garages have underground storm sewer/tunnel exits.

Really.

[Cassie]

Yup Steve, time to take a stab or several on the recap.

[Siouxie]

Torture!!!

[Gennita Low]

Oooh torture next week! And Jack is clean-shaven!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Next week: Jack gets electrocuted.

[Wes S.]

Question to ponder for next week: Just where did the guy put that second jumper cable clamp on Jack?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack's been shocked that way before. Yawn. Lazy writers.

[Cassie]

Jack's been tortured so much I think he'll be faking it.

[Bassey]

Husband is rewinding the DVR to watch the Stabby Mc Stabberson sequence again. LOL

[Cassie]

Castle's on.

[K-Doc]

More reruns from Day 1 - Jack hanging and being electrocuted. Will he die again?

[Siouxie]

Time for Castle!! YUMMO!!

[Cassie]

ROFL dead guy on Castle's wearing Red.

[Gennita Low]

Cassie, I know! They're going to meet up with Vincent in the tunnel!

[danceswithvowels]

Russians are going to cauterize that Jackhole next week, eh?

[Cassie]

ROFL Gennita

[Siouxie]

LOL Cassie. Sure is.

[Gennita Low]

Can Castle beat the boredom that was House and 24?

[Tash]

prad -- yup, they're (not there) always driving somewhere in a concerned way, just hung up the phone and brooding, or just tuned away from someone, brooding.

[Meanie the Blue]

Ve haf vays of making you talk, "Ernst".....

[Gennita Low]

Ha, have the Russians seen the Chinese scars on Jack's "German" back?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Pretty obvious who the murderer is on Castle.

After all he was The Devil as well as an evil VP on 24.

[Tash]

Blair! Is that Blair on Castle? He's on screen half a nanosecond at a time. And the Twin Peaks Guy!

[Loudmouth]

Beckett looks good in s sweater. All modelly.

[Gennita Low]

Castle would make a fun VP on 24!

[danceswithvowels]

Which Twin Peaks Guy? Mr. Log Lady?

And, Dave Freakin' Booger Barry, when'm I gonna get a Rock Bottom Remainder-themed iPhone, huh? Do I hafta wait for the 4G?

Or even a Starcatchers iPad?

A DB Is Not Making This Up RAZR?

A Miami Herald fridge magnet?

[Cassie]

Oooo... good idea Gennita.

OMG Cougar Kim is on The Forgotten now.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Still working on it! Hang on! Posting soon. Well, pretty soon.

[Gennita Low]

Appletini on Castle. Voodka on 24. I'm jealous.

[Gennita Low]

Oh Dave, the Charles Barkley Taco Bell ad? You can end up rapping like him too.

[Meanie the Blue]

We understand, Steve. You've got bubkas, gotts, nichts, nada, diddly squat to work with.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Charles definitely needs to step away from the tacos and pick up some Alli.

[trustf8]

Humming a song, waiting for steve:

'Little ditty about jack and renee
Two american kids growin up in a bad way
Jackies gonna be a CTU star
Renee taking 'going dark' way too far...

Oh yeah Renee's strife goes on
Long after the thrill of livin is gone
Oh yeah Renee's knife goes on
Long after the kill of Vlad-gone-wrong.'

[danceswithvowels]

Renee's mind is so full of red ...

Don't you need somebody to stab,
Don't you want somebody to stab,
Wouldn't you love somebody to stab,
You better find somebody to stab.

[Cassie]

dances, that's Laura Palmer's Dad on Castle.

[Wes S.]

With apologies to Rob Zombie:

"...Come love me
Stick it to me
Dance for me
Dizzy Red Girl..."

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Previously on "24", we discovered: Jack speaks German like he's gargling with marbles while having his foot stamped at the same time; Josef should have never kept his brother out late, because his Dad, Sergei is really, really strict about curfew; Arlo needs better pickup lines; Dana needs to remember that her boyfriend, Cole, has a gun and would probably be willing to practice his sniper skills on her old boyfriend, Kevin.

The following takes place between 10pm and 11 pm:

10:00 pm – Fortunately for us, they didn't televise the vote, but President Taylor got the treaty ratified by everyone, including Jamaica, who mistakenly voted for it because they thought someone said "rad". Her assistant tells her that most of the delegates are up past their bedtime, which likely means most of the delegates are eight years old.

The delegate from England asks Taylor what's REALLY going on. Since there are only 30 delegates still left in the room, she feels like this is a perfect place to tell a secret. She explains the entire ending of LOST, which she's been briefed on. He can't believe the ending has anything to do with giant inflatable balloons, but takes her word for it. She also tells him about Hassan's crackdown in his own country, and about the nuclear materials. He is surprised that someone would make a bolt of material out of something so dangerous. She also tells him that CTU is running an undercover operation.

10:03 pm – Jack, still in his cunning Harry Potter disguise, is in a car being driven to Vlad by one of Vlad's henchmen – or it might be a lackey – or perhaps a cohort – it is hard to tell at this time of night. Jack gets a phone call from Cole, who lost satellite reception, so instead of waiting for BBC America to come back on the dish, he's headed out of the building to try and figure out where Jack is going. Jack is still upset about not shooting anyone for a while, and declines the help.

10:04 pm- Arlo, using one of the bazillion cameras spread all over the city that CTU just happens to know how to tap into, is able to find Jack holding a gun on the cohort driving the car. Dana gets a phone call from Kevin, who has driven up to the building he's going to break into with his friend. Dana tells him that they're going to have to wait, because she's a little busy. He tells her that they're exposed out in the alley, and feeling uncomfortable about it. She tells him to not do that sort of thing, and she'll get back to them as soon as she can.

10:05 pm – Chloe enters and tells Arlo that Hastings wants a field update. Arlo tells her that the field is nice and grassy this time of year, and asks Chloe if he can ask her a hypothetical question. She says that she doesn't speak "hypothetical" and that she knows he's talking about Dana. Arlo asks Chloe if she would want to know if her fiancé were cheating on her. Chloe says that she'd inform Jack and when he was done "interrogating" the fiancé, she would tazer him. Oh, and that Arlo is a creepy stalker. She tells him it's none of his business. She goes to Dana and tells her about the meeting.

10:06 pm – Jack and his driver arrive at their destination, and Jack asks for the keys. He gets the driver out of the car, and they both go in to see Vlad. Jack asks if this is the way Vlad does business, sending in a Danny Bonaduce impersonator in to try and kill him. Jack says he wants to talk to Vlad. He stares at Vlad really closely, and then decides what he really wants is to talk to Renee. Jack takes off his Harry Potter glasses as he moves off to the side to talk to her, which he does to be sure she can recognize him through the disguise.

Jack tells Renee that he has authorization to pull her out of the undercover operation. Renee says it's not a big deal. Vlad gets impatient, and wants to leave.

10:08 pm – Dana calls Kevin back as she enters a completely private CTU room, which in CTU terms means that it's got a weird grid over the glass behind her. She tells him that the security code is 1668. He tries it, but it doesn't work because he's not very good with numbers. His partner tries it, and they're in. Dana tells him that if they're out of there in less than 20 minutes, they'll have $120,000.

The next door also has a code: 4660. He tries his luck on this door, and this time it works for him. They're in. They look for 3101. The code for that door is 2824. They go up to door 3110, which they can't figure out is the wrong one until she tells them. They complain about all the numbers, but finally grab the money. Dana hangs up. Kevin wants to leave, but his partner thinks it'll be a good time to go shopping, because after all, what POSSIBLY could go wrong?

Commercial

10:16 pm – Jack and Renee wait while Vlad makes a phone call about the nuclear material. The Walmart he called didn't have any in stock. He hangs up and asks Renee to make hor'dourves for everyone. He complains about the thickness of the bread she's cutting, which in terms of "24" exciting scenes, this ranks pretty darn low. Vlad tries to get Jack upset by talking about Renee, but Jack doesn't bite. Vlad asks Jack to leave while he makes more phone calls, so Jack waits outside.

10:18 pm – Sergei walks to his priest, Father Gregor, and tells him that he wants his son buried. Father Gregor says that he should be dead first. Sergei tells him his younger son, not Josef. Sergei volunteers his men to act as gravediggers.

Josef is still upset about his younger brother, and as a result, is hiding in a food storage closet. His father finds him, and tries to remind him that he's doing all this so that Josef has a nice inheritance with wealth and consequence. Josef asks if that was an old TV show, and Sergei tells him he's thinking of "Truth or Consequences".

One of Sergei's men knocks on the food storage closet door, and asks Sergei to come out of the closet – Vlad is on the phone.

10:22 pm – Vlad calls him "Sergei Petrovich", which is suspiciously close to Steve The 24 Guy's real name. Vlad asks about the nuclear rods, but Sergei tells him he doesn't know anything about it. He tells Vlad not to call him again, and hangs up.

Renee tells Vlad that Sergei is just jealous he's not in on the deal, and asks him to call the next person on his "nuclear material supplier list". Vlad thinks it's a better time to start trying to make out with Renee. She tells him that he can do that once he's made more calls.

10:24 pm – Sergei calls a guy who's riding in the back of a truck to tell him that he "knows what to do", creating a mini-mystery in the style of LOST, without the interesting story line. We have NO idea what he means, unless it means finding Vlad and killing him. Sergei gets off the phone. The guy in the truck picks up a two-way radio, and tells the driver they have to stop, because he really, REALLY has to go to the bathroom. And he has to do whatever cryptic thing Sergei just told him about.

Commercial

10:29 pm – Hassan, using a similar Harry Potter disguise as Jack's, sits at a table full of black and white photographs. He gets out his touch screen cell phone, and writes on the screen with a pen. He's obviously very distracted.

President Taylor calls him and asks about the treaty. She asks for his word about the letter and spirit about the agreement he's supposed to sign. He says he'll agree, and within the next few hours the arrests are going to stop. He says he's going to take measures to make sure they stop, not telling her this likely means he's going to just have everyone shot. He might just have them watch reruns of the Grammys, which might kill them even more quickly. They hang up.

Taylor asks her assistant, "How do you think he sounded?" He says, "Not like himself." Taylor agrees, saying that his Indeterminate Mideastern Accent didn't sound quite right to her either.

10:30 – Hassan asks Tarin how the interrogation with Jamal went, and how forceful the interrogation was. The answer "very", which is pretty darn specific, and but that isn't good enough for Hassan. He wants Jamal's children arrested, and to apply whatever pressure necessary to hear what he wants. Tarin tells him that the children probably don't know much, not even the secret crabby patty formula, despite how much Spongebob they watch. Hassan tells him he means Jamal. Tarin convinces Hassan that he really doesn't want to have the children taken into custody because it would probably mean the end of distribution rights to all Nickelodeon shows in their country, and nobody would want that. Hassan realizes his mistake, and tells Tarin to go recheck phone records, because it will stall for time until the writers can think up something that's actually exciting.

The body guard leaves, but Hassan asks the guy that’s with him to stay behind to look after some files. As soon as the body guard is gone, Hassan tells the guy that he really DOES want the children and Jamals wife arrested. Oh, and he wants to have Tarin checked out too, because Hassan is still just a wee bit paranoid about almost getting blown up a few hours ago.

10:33 pm – Kevin and Nick are still at the warehouse, when Nick pulls a gun on Kevin! Nick accidentally fires the gun! Finally some excitement! Whoops….spoke too soon. It's a squirt gun.

10:34 pm – Chloe goes to Dana to let her know about the nuclear material that was on Hassan's foiled assassin. Dana says that Hassan's Foiled Assassin would be a good name for a rock band. Chloe says that the material is likely of soviet origin. Dana gets a call. It's Kevin, and he's freaking out that someone is there. Dana sees that there's a cop, and directs them to another exit. Dana tells him that he has to slip past the cop. Nick completely misunderstands what "slip past the cop" means, and beats the living daylights out of him before they leave.

Commercial

10:40 pm – Tarin knocks on Dalia's door, and they embrace. Tarin's is concerned about Hassan's instructions, which he somehow found out about. There's a knock on the door, and guards are there to take Tarin into custody. Just when it looks like there's about to be some excitement…. There's a let down. Nothing happens and they take Tarin away.

10:43 pm – Jack finally is sick of sitting, and starts to walk around outside the room where Vlad is making phone calls. In another strange coincidence, Vlad is talking on the phone with someone named "Roman", which is exactly Steve The 24 Guy's middle name (really!).

Vlad tells Renee he's called everyone he knows, and nobody knows a thing about nuclear materials. Renee doesn't want to take "no" for an answer, and tells Vlad that he needs to call everyone in the phone book until he finds someone that knows where to get the nuclear materials. She tells him that she's just there for the deal, which really ticks Vlad off. He slaps her and punches her. Renee counters with a knife to the eye, and a stab in the neck. All in all, Renee wins.

Jack, hearing the telltale sighs of someone being stabbed to death, runs into the room. Renee turns around at just the wrong moment, and stabs Jack in the gut, causing him to fall back on to a couch. The Danny Bonaduce lookalike guy comes into the room and nearly pulls his gun on Renee, when Jack pulls the knife out of his own gut, throws it, and hits Danny right in the middle of the neck. Jack sees someone running towards the door through the translucent wall, picks up a gun and shoots through the wall, killing the guy. That's TWO bad guy deaths in less than ten seconds. Jack was WAY overdue. He gives Renee a big ol' hug to celebrate.

Commercial

10:50 pm – Jack makes a call back to CTU while he bandages himself up, explaining to Hastings that Vlad is dead. Jack tells him that they all knew Vlad was violent before the whole operation started. Hastings says, "Violent? He's dead on the floor!" Jack tells him that he means before that, when Vlad was less dead. Jack wants to move on by going through all the files.

10:52 pm – Renee is upset that she almost killed Jack, not realizing he's signed on for a least one more season. She's also upset that she doesn't have anyone to fall back on if she's not doing undercover, killing operations anymore. Jack says that she always has him. A scene like this, with all the dead bodies around, is always so romantic.

There's a noise outside, and Jack foreshadows a BIG problem by saying "Hey, they must have been really moving! They're here already!"

10:55 pm – Jack goes outside to meet the CTU agents, which turn out not to be CTU agents, but more Russian gangsters. Fresh out of knives to throw into people's throats, Jack starts piling up dead bodies like cordwood while he explains that the Russians' are coming to Renee. She asks him, "Wasn't that a movie?" He ignores this and shuts the door. He hides Renee and tells her that he's going to give himself up so CTU can follow him.

The Russians enter the room, and Jack pretends to completely weak saying "I'm just here to do business!" They take him away.

10:58 pm – Cole arrives just in time to have completely missed finding the Russians anywhere. Renee comes out of hiding. Cole asks where Jack is. Renee is surprised to hear this, since Jack told her that CTU would be watching the building. Nobody saw a thing, and they have no idea where Jack went.

Jack, of course, is underground in a sewer with the Russians. They walk out to a waiting car. They picked the one area in all of New York that DIDN'T have a CTU camera nearby.

11:00 pm – TIME'S UP!

NEXT TIME ON "24": JACK HAS A HOOD! THEN IT'S GONE! DANA HAS A MAD FACE! SHE HAS A HOOD FOR AN EX-BOYFRIEND! JACK GETS UP CLOSE WITH JUMPER CABLES! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Doh! I meant Jamot, not Jamal. I know that TOTALLY blows the whole storyline we've been following. Sorry.

[Wes S.]

There's a storyline?

Steve, good job as always.

[ArcticAl]

We'll forgive you this time Steve for the name mixup. Do you think that the 24 writers are on to you now that they're using your name in the scripted dialogue?

Great job as usual Steve!

[danceswithvowels]

Great job, Steve "Roman" Eto 24 Chelovek! I like the Consequences you've left us. They're much better than the inferior brand that Sergei imports.

[danceswithvowels]

Thanks, Cassie. So does Laura Palmer's Dad get to dance with his own plugged offspring vowels on Castle, poor sod?

[nursecindy]

I didn't get to watch tonight but great recap Steve! It's just like I was there but I wasn't.

[nursecindy]

Also, Mr. Barry! Shame on you for posting that picture of you know who.

[Guin]

way belated snork @ Cassie, and wild applause for The Amazing Steve!

So when are they going to luck for the nuclear wessels?

[Jeff Meyerson]

cindy, consider yourself fortunate. Even AOL has noticed - 24 has jumped teh shark, bit time.

It's right on target.

Steve, great job, especially considering that you were on the phone with the late Vlad half the show!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Sorry - no coffee yet.

Should have read "jumped the shark big time"

[Siouxie]

Great job, Steve!!!

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

Thanks, everyone!

[Novanglus]

Chloe needs one of those mean looking water-pistols,

Renee needs to be water-boarded, or she needs to get pregnant,or she needs to get a pregnant German Shepard.

Jack needed to KISS Renee and say, "Do that again, and I'll make SURE you have nobody."

The Russians need to drink more vodka...

And the Woman President needs to have an affair with Sam, and then get in a fight, and then put the world on Def-con.

And tropichunt.com guy needs to do more of that great writing!

Now, excuse me while I mourn the loss of the FIRST baby star in the e-trade commercials, who has been replaced by a ...not as funny...blond. (sigh)