Dave Barry's Blog

HANDS-FREE CALLING

A man superglues his phone to his ear.

(Thaks to silverstone and Jeff Meyerson)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Police in Mexico City have rescued 150 ferrets from armed robbers after a high speed chase.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

SECRET INGREDIENT

Ohio Man Arrested on Charges of Urinating on $600 Worth of Steaks

(Thanks to Al O)

POLICE EMERGENCY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Clearwater woman called 911 saying she was tired of her husband

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Matt Filar)

AND THE UNITED NATIONS DOES NOTHING

Save the Blobfish

 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

It's getting ugly.

(Thanks to B'game, Matt Filar and Jeff Meyerson)

WOULD THEY BE INTERESTED IN SOME REALLY BIG COCKROACHES?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

The Potato Chip Hand.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GUESS HE TOLD YOU, SIR

In response to this column, The Blog received an email which said, in its entirety:

Here comes YOUR baby, idiot.   You're is for you are, as in YOU ARE STUPID!

WHO SAYS SOUTH FLORIDA LACKS CULTURE?

Not this blog.

THE GOLDEN AGE OF TELEVISION

He's dead, Jim.

EDUCATION UPDATE

Senior Austin Knight says "C and L ran off" and it's not the fault of the three students, wearing A, S and S, who also were fined $135.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

YOU JUST KNOW THIS SOMEHOW WOUND UP ON THE PATIENT'S BILL

Doctors at a small medical practice in America got a big surprise when a  meteorite the size of a tennis ball smashed through the roof of their surgery.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CRIME IN CANADA

It's completely out of control.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE APOCALYPSE CANNOT BE FAR OFF

Spice Girls: The Musical

(Thanks to nursecindy)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

KINKY

The Anaconda Breeding Ball.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THOSE MORONS. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT COMES FROM SUPERMARKETS.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR ALASKA DINING REPORT

Warren E. Strickland, 31, of Fairbanks, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct Tuesday for throwing a double-decker taco at a manager of the Taco Bell restaurant on University Avenue.

Strickland said he was upset during the Jan. 14 incident because a taco contained spit after he had been through the drive-thru twice to correct his order.

This has been Your Alaska Dining Report.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

YOUR ARKANSAS BUSINESS REPORT

Weiner, Delight Agree To Long-distance Merger

This has been Your Arkansas Business Report.

(Thanks to DavCat)

NO THANKS

"Please Knock"

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

SCIENCE FAIR

Last night was science-fair night at Sophie's elementary school. One of the projects sought to answer a question that has long puzzled humanity (although dogs worked it out years ago):

Some of the students submitted inventions. This one is called the "Bug Slapper."

PROFESSIONAL BUSINESS PERSONS:

You need this.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WHO SAYS COLLEGE STUDENTS TODAY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES?

Not this (burrppp) blog.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

You won't believe what they're using now.

(Thanks to DavCart)

NATURE LOVER

A MAN has been banned from a public park - after he allegedly tried to have sex with a TREE.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANOTHER FINE MESS

Laurel, Hardy jailed on drug charges

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

EMAIL FROM HAITI

WARNING: This isn't funny.  It's an email sent to a friend of ours by a young American doctor from Miami who's involved in the relief effort in Haiti. The response to the tragedy has been amazingly generous. But they still need a lot of help down there.

Dear Family and Friends,

I am so humbled and touched to see all of the kind words that have circulated via email and phone and Facebook regarding my trip to Haiti. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am almost embarrassed by the outpouring of support because I really don't feel that I did that much. Certainly nowhere near enough.

The situation in Haiti is dire. We've all heard about the unconscionable number of deaths, upwards of 100,000. Port-au-Prince is a city of rubble, human remains, human waste, homelessness, orphaned children, and disease. I can't begin to describe the injuries sustained and their anticipated long term sequelae. The country will not make it out of this catastrophe without our help.

Obviously there are no words to describe what I experienced over the past few days.  24 cases in 48 hours, 13 of which were amputations for crush injuries resulting in gangrene, or infected open fractures, adults and children alike.  It is an ugly but necessary aspect of saving patients from septic shock and death. All extremity surgeries were done under regional anesthesia (numbing of the main nerves to the leg or arm with long-acting anesthetics), as we had no oxygen and no ventilator machines. Thank Heaven for the UM regional anesthesia team led by Dr. Ralf Gebhard. No tourniquet. No lights in the operating room (used camping headlamps). No running water. No formal sterile processing of instruments (bleach and betadine).

Despite the conditions, I'm happy to say we have not lost a single patient in the makeshift OR suite. People put their egos aside and did what they had to do.  I was deeply humbled by and in awe of the people around me. It wasn't just the surgeons: the medical and pediatric teams worked around the clock.  Considering how critically injured some of these patients are, the mortality rate at the UM facility has been astoundingly low (somewhere around 2%). This includes people rescued out of buildings on Day 7, and speaks to the quality of care being delivered.  In total, some 300+ patients have been treated at the UM field hospital.

The care that has been delivered so far, while impressive, is a mere drop in the bucket. However, because of the number of corporate and private donations, our capabilities are likely to increase exponentially with every day that passes.

Dr. Barth Green has tremendous contacts and organizational skills, not to mention a heart of gold. Alonzo Mourning was at the UM camp over the weekend and again yesterday. The ortho guys tell me that before I arrived, Zo was helping them apply splints and change dressings.  He has donated $1M toward building a new air conditioned field tent hospital. I flew down on a private jet owned by a businessman who is not only flying staff and med-evacuating the most critical patients to Miami on his plane, but paying for the fuel and crew out of his own pocket indefinitely.

Perhaps most personally moving of all, last night I arrived home to find out that my family's business, Med Lab Supply Company, had donated a Siemens C-arm fluoroscopy unit that is on its way to the field hospital. This is a tremendous step toward being able to properly treat fractures.

Despite this early support, there is a lot of work to be done, and there are still major logistical issues to getting personnel and equipment down there in an organized fashion. Project Medishare and the University of Miami are able to be effective in the aftermath of the earthquake because they had a strong presence in Haiti before it happened. UM faculty and residents are able to rotate traveling to Haiti to deliver care at the hospital, which is securely located on the United Nations compound.  I plan on returning soon as my professional and family responsibilities allow.

These poor people. They are so destitute. The conditions are horrid, and yet their spiritual strength is unshaken.  It's going to take a long, committed, and expensive effort if they have any hope of recovering what little they had before all of this happened.

If you have already made a donation, thank you. If not, kindly consider making one by joining my fund raising team on the Project Medishare website.

I will end on a positive note. On my way home yesterday, I was at the Toussaint L'Ouverture airport and was approached by two women from a U.S.-based adoption agency to serve as an escort to a Haitian orphan.  I flew back with a 17 month-old baby boy and met his adoptive parents at MIA.  He literally became a U.S. citizen in my arms. Totally mind blowing. You will all be amused to know that when the girls from the adoption agency approached me, the baby (Paxton is his adoptive name), was of course a perfect angel. But the minute we got on the plane he turned into a little maniac! He was wild but adorable. I'm so psyched for him and his new life.

Thanks again to you all.

Warmly,

Veronica Diaz

WHY WE NEED ART

Art explores important themes.

(Thanks to Norm)

UPDATE

It's jail for the chicken-licking shelf-stacker.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WELL, DUH

(Thanks to db)

WE HAVE ALL MET PEOPLE LIKE THIS

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THE MIDWEST

It's turning into a zombie movie.

(Thanks to Gael Cooper and Chuck Cody)

WE ASSUME THEY HAVE SHOWERS

(Thanks to shtanga)

ADVISORY TO CRIMINALS:

Check your equipment.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

WE ASSUME IT FIT RIGHT IN WITH THE REGULAR PATRONS

Goat enters strip club

(Thanks to Josh, silverstone and Ralph)

OLYMPICS UPDATE, ALSO FROM DOWN UNDER

(Thanks to DavCat and K-Doc)

INCREDIBLY, IT DID NOT FEATURE AN IMAGE OF JESUS

Man opens bag of Cheese Rings, finds one

Apparently is is a very slow news day in Australia.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

In other offbeat news from the Open, the match between Belgian Christophe Rochus and American Donald Young was stopped for 40 minutes after a ball boy wet his pants on court 10.

"The ball kid peed on himself. It was unfortunate," Young said.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALREADY IRRITATING ENOUGH TO YOUR CO-WORKERS

The Desk Zamboni

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

(We could have used one of these babies in college, if you catch our drift)

MOVE OVER, SUSAN BOYLE

Here comes John Daker.

(Thanks to the amazing barbershopper Tim Waurick)

BELATED ANALYSIS OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF 24, WHICH I JUST WATCHED

Regarding the ending: Whoa.

ATTENTION, METRO.CO.UK BIG BROTHER

The Blog may not agree, but it will be a cold day in hell before the s.b. posts another link to your bossy and annoying site. Just fyi.

 

WISCONSIN: HOME OF THE PARTY ANIMAL

Police responding to a complaint of loud noise have cited a Fond du Lac man for “rocking out” to the music of John Denver.

(Thanks to Patrick Lenon, queensbee, marfie and Jeff Meyerson)

DAMMIT

These people are out of their freaking minds. They'd better watch their backs.¹

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

¹Not buying it, huh?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

LA Gang Tours

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here and marfie)¹

¹Please post a comment asap if one of us* is going to be fired.

*Guess.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack had planned to move to Los Angeles with Kim and her family to lead a quiet life, but just as he was about to leave New York and cause the entire season to end in the first 30 minutes, Jack got sucked into a plot to kill the head of the Generic Islamic Republic, President Sham, who has been negotiating a nuclear treaty with President Woman President and also bonking a professional journalist who has been set up as the fall person for the plot by the real plotters. Jack and Chloe tried to explain this to CTU Director Brian Hastings, who does not believe them because, in keeping with established CTU-director tradition, he has the anti-terrorism instincts of lasagna. So now Jack and Chloe are Going It Alone against a terrorist group that will stop at nothing, including using duct tape on innocent civilians.

Also there is a personal subplot involving highly qualified CTU agent Dana Walsh, and although we have no idea what this subplot is, we strongly urge the writers to continue developing it, even if it requires eliminating the scenes involving terrorism.

Edgar is still dead.

I cannot join you tronight; as you read these words, I am on an airplane bound for a secret desert location to engage in professional work activities. But as always you are welcome to post your thoughtful analysis in the comments, where we also hope to see the traditional post-episode recaps by The Amazing Steve, who was even more amazing than usual last night, which makes us frankly wonder how the heck he does it.

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are rational.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING, AT MINIMUM, NICOLAS CAGE

A driver whose SUV plunged into a Northern California creek after he was startled when the hands-free device of his cell phone activated, escaped the sinking vehicle by blasting out the window with a handgun.

(Thanks to Mr. Jeff Arch)