Dave Barry's Blog

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SEX PISTOLS

Savage Beagles

(Thanks to trustf8)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

French Fight AIDS With 120-Foot Flying Condom

(Thanks to nursecindy)

DON'T TELL RIP TORN

The Chinese have created the world's largest bottle of wine.

(Thanks to many people)

SOLID CAREER MOVE

Rip Torn was arrested for breaking into a bank.

Alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE TOO-MUCH-SPARE-TIME EPIDEMIC

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WINTER WEEKEND PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

Attack of the Zombie Snowpersons

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND YET IT WAS REALLY THE VICTIM

Fire in Houston blamed on inflatable gorilla

(Thanks to RussellMc)

LEHIGH VALLEY SPORTS UPDATE

For his saving the life of "Pig Pig" though mouth-to-snout resuscitation, Jeff Olson will receive an IronPigs care package -- consisting of an IronPigs sweatshirt, a bottle of Listerine and tube of ChapStick -- along with an offer for free IronPigs tickets for him and his wife any time they are in the Lehigh Valley.

(Thanks to Marge Carlson)

YEEPERS

Key Quote: "The officers called me over and said 'Toni, I think we know what happened to the ducks.'"

(Thanks to Ralph)

AS LONG AS IT IS CONSENTING PORK

(Thanks to many people)

WE CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH

Do not eat chili while driving.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOT UNLIKE THE FLORIDA DRIVER'S-LICENSE TEST

(Thanks to Bill)

PEOPLE OF DELAWARE:

At long last, your shoes are safe.

(Thanks to Chris Shultz)

DUDE

(Thanks to Glen Page and Ralph)

BRILLIANT

(Thanks to John Gregg)

LAW ENFORCEMENT IN SCOTLAND

"Strict" does not begin to describe it.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

PUTTING THE "MAN" IN "WEATHERMAN"

(Thanks to Jeff Spotts)

BLOBFISH CELEBRITY UPDATE

He's getting big. It's only a matter of time before he appears on Dancing with the Stars.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using exploding toilets.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

ROMANCE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Loyal Blow-Up Doll Saves Owner's Life

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS JUST IN FROM KUALA LUMPUR

(Thanks to trustf8)

HOW A GUY USES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOW A GUY DEFROSTS A CAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BREAKING CELEBRITY UPDATE

(Thanks to trustf8)

CORNING

City of Excitement

NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WHATSOEVER WRONG WITH IT

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PARENTAL UNIT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PRO BOWL PRACTICE UPDATE

Don't tell the NFC, but: The AFC defense is planning to use garbage cans.

BREAKING SPORTS UPDATE

Here is an exclusive CrapCam photograph of me pretending to be a journalist at a practice for the NFL Pro Bowl. In the background, clearly intimidated by my presence, are Michael Irvin, Tony Romo and another famous football person I don't know the name of.

GOOD BOY!

Rattling dog had eaten 14 golf balls

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY'S THIGH IS GONNA BE HAMBURGER

(Thanks to Bryan and sjhaller)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now: bagels.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

FLORIDA CRIMINAL MASTERRMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

PALM HARBOR — By pedal boat and bicycle, a fleeing burglar clad only in boxer shorts couldn't get away quite fast enough, authorities say.

(Thanks to Ralph and silverstone)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Cops stop cyclist with butcher knife-pool cue axe

He's probably in some kind of league.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

APPARENTLY HE DIDN'T HAVE A CLEAR, RE-SEALABLE ONE-QUART PLASTIC BAG

Man smuggled 44 lizards in his underpants

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Amazing Steve)

YUM

Hot Mormon Muffins

(Thanks to marfie)

DUH

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Some Mouse Sperm Can Identify, and Even Cooperate With, Its Brethren

(Thanks to Bruce Kizer)

THIS JUST IN FROM PHUKET

(Scroll down)

A would-be rapist got his comeuppance on January 7, when he climbed naked through the wrong window and met his intended victim’s mother – meat cleaver in hand.

Key Names: Phongphetch Bunyadisak, Phimphimon Phetchcharoen.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'VE HAD NIGHTS LIKE THAT

Bee sting man wakes in coffin

(Thank to trustf8)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

ATTENTION, MEN LOOKING FOR A CLASSY VALENTINE'S-DAY GIFT

The WineRack.

(Thanks to SharonCville)

VIRGIN MARY SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: a potato chip.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Chloe and Special Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. thwarted the plot to kill Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, whose brother was planning to buy deadly nuclear rods from the Russians, who have brought the rods to New York City, a flagrant violation of city health ordinances. So now the Russians are looking for a new buyer. Fortunately, ex-FBI-agent and hot person love interest from last season Renee just happened to be in New York City, and -- in another extremely believable coincidence -- she used to work undercover with the Russians.

At the end of the previous episode, Renee removed a parole bracelet from a lower-level Russian mobster by putting his hand in a vice and using a circular saw to cut off his thumb, an action that totally shocked Jack inasmuch as Renee -- in flagrant violation of CTU regulations -- was not wearing safety goggles. So now Jack realizes that, in addition to being hot, Renee is a psychotic homicidal lunatic. He has never wanted her more.

In subplot action, highly qualified CTU agent Diana Walsh is probably going to go kill her slimebag ex-boyfriend. Or maybe she's going to get her laundry. We don't really care, as long as she continues to get screen time.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in comments after the show for the authoritative recap from The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What do you think of the new Renee?
	She is insane.
	But in a good way.
	We should send her to Washington.
	If she and Jack end up in bed together, there will be no survivors.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Nothing has happened yet.

UPDATE: Why don't the makers of V-8 just throw in the towel and start putting alcohol in it?

UPDATE: What still bothers me about last week is, when Renee was cutting off the guy's thumb, why didn't he use his other hand to, I don't know, try to stop her?

UPDATE: They could at least get the radiation brother a Netflix account.

UPDATE: Renee seems surprised that the guy is bleeding from where SHE CUT OFF HIS THUMB.

UPDATE: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNSTABLE?????????????

UPDATE: What a baby! He loses one lousy thumb and he's all "Waahhh, I lost my thumb."

UPDATE: I wonder if they smuggled the rods into the country in their underpants. No, wait! I bet they put them in clear, one-quart, resealable plastic bags! Those fiends.

UPDATE: The severed-thumb guy's mood sure perked up fast.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Seriously, this is the fastest thumb-severing recovery ever.

UPDATE: Hey! Russians say "I'm just saying."

UPDATE: OK, a half-hour gone, and nothing has happened.

UPDATE: I want a thing in my ear that tells me what to say.

UPDATE: Renee is in the Trunk of Radio Silence.

UPDATE: Still no actual action.

UPDATE: Have I mentioned that I totally do not see the appeal of the Geico gecko?

UPDATE; Now THIS is how you get health care.

UPDATE: A CTU operation! Nothing can go wrong!

UPDATE: Jack of course knows exactly where Newton Creek is in New York City.

UPDATE: I am totally strunned and shocked and surprised that Vladimir did not kill Renee, a featured character.

UPDATE: In other words, nothing happened this week.

UPDATE: Next week: Round glasses! Renee in a towel! Take it, The Amazing Steve.

BUT WE ALREADY SAW JACKASS

(Thanks to Bruce Kizer and Steve @ secret location)

RIGHT, LIKE IT WOULD STOP IN PRISON

Woman faces jail if noisy sex continues

(Thanks to Ari H)

FASHION TIP FOR MEN

Here's the perfect "look" for that big job interview:

There are many other fine fashion creations to be seen at the link.

(Thanks to Annette)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Power Tool Time.

Be here. We wouldn't want anybody should lose a digit. 

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

A two-butted chicken named J-Lo.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)