24 SEASON PREMIERE
Last season, there were many developments in what we like to call the "plot." The main one was of course that the White House was taken over by terrorist frogpersons. That was definitely the highlight of the season, and possibly of all human history.
Other than that, we honestly don't recall much of what happened last season, except that at the very end Jack Bauer was continuing to die, as he had been for months, from exposure to the Deadly Death Canister of Lethal Doom. Fortunately, in the off-season he was cured, thanks to a risky experimental medical procedure that involved being pressed from both sides by live human bosoms.
Jack is now living in New York City, so we can safely assume that there will be a terrorist attack there. If the authorities had any sense, they would immediately evacuate any metropolitan area within a 50-mile radius of Jack. (Of course if the authorities had any sense, they would not be on 24.) Meanwhile Chloe is back working for the CTU, which is now headquartered – Here's a coincidence! – in New York City. The president is still President Woman President. Edgar is still dead.
We'll attempt with little success to analyze the action here; stay tuned in the comments at the end when The Amazing Steve will briefly remove the syringe from his arm and explain what happened.
ADVISORY: Be advised that tomorrow night at (we think) 8 Eastern Perimeter Thigh Stabbing Time there will be another two-hour episode. Be further advised that we personally will be on an airplane at that time, so we will be unable to blog it. In fact, under current TSA anti-terrorist regulations, we will be unable to even think about blogging it. Or, pee. Or, think about peeing. So tomorrow night you will be on your own. (To answer a question in the comments: There will be a post here tomorrow night where you can post your analyses.)
UPDATE: This is not directly related to the season premiere of 24, but: It appears as though Hulk Hogan is going to get his prized toilet seat back.
UPDATE:The show that's on before 24 looks a lot like 24.
UPDATE: Here is the best comment so far, especially considering that the show has not started. From Jeff Tompkins: "I have established a perimeter made up of various types of Lance™ crackers. Ready."
Also this, from a sonnet written by ford79:
So how's Kim's DNA affecting Jack?
His hair's now blond. He has a killer rack.
RELATED UPDATE: Meanwhile on the Golden Globe awards: Bazooms!
UPDATE: OK, about the parachute thing on the show before 24: Are you kidding me?
UPDATE: I thought crack was illegal in New York City, along with trans-fats.
UPDATE: This is a lot of corpses during the opening credits. A good sign!
UPDATE: Good to know you can still hot-wire any random car by touching any two random wires together.
UPDATE: Jack was a millisecond away from ripping the head off that stuffed animal.
UPDATE: The president (or whatever he is) of the Middle Eastern nation looks like Sam, of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.
UPDATE: Good to know the Wooden Dialogue Generator is still working!
UPDATE: I can take only so much of Jack being mellow.
UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if the mole turned out to be... Jack's granddaughter?
UPDATE: Is that a gun in your pants?
UPDATE: He's going to reinstate her credential, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.
UPDATE: OK, do we know Victor? I have no memory of Victor. Or, for that matter, last week.
UPDATE: "There's a big hit going down." That's how they really talk! Really! They use hep lingo!
UPDATE: CTU looks like a sports bar, only tackier.
UPDATE: CTU porn!
UPDATE: Why is the blond CTU amazon babe wearing a cocktail dress? Not that I am complaining.
UPDATE: "The Islamic Republic?"
UPDATE: Ethan is taking his Viagra.
UPDATE: "I ain't dead yet." Thanks for the foreshadowing, writers!
UPDATE: So.... rather than just go get Jack and Victor, they have Jack walk Victor through the streets of New York. OK! Nothing can go wrong with that plan!
UPDATE: Helicopter = bomb.
UPDATE: Suddenly, for no reason I can think of, I want to buy a Sprint brand phone.
UPDATE: He shot off the lock! They are pulling out ALL of the stops.
UPDATE: Thanks for playing, Victor!
UPDATE: Why couldn't there, just one time, be a good journalist?
UPDATE: 23 hours to go.
UPDATE: Seriously, that is a cocktail dress.
UPDATE: A half-hour! I guess they can get the interview done in that time.
UPDATE: Chloe has yearned for the moment when she could debrief Jack.
UPDATE: We're supposed to suspect the wife. Therefore, we should suspect the daughter.
UPDATE: Or the little rodent guy with the bad hairstyle.
UPDATE: Rodent guy it is.
UPDATE: Hot babe subplot!
UPDATE: 22.5 hours to go.
UPDATE: CTU: Eight Straight Years, and Counting, of Being Wrong.
UPDATE: Gosh, I wonder what Jack will decide... Will he leave? Or will he... become involved with the plot?
UPDATE:Yes! Jack has joined the team and will do whatever it takes to keep this man alive.
UPDATE: Is that a polygraph machine, or a manicure device?
UPDATE: I sense that this is the slow buildup to the slam-bang episode finale.
UPDATE: A little less than 22.25 hours to go.
UPDATE: Tick.... tick... tick....
UPDATE: THEY TOOK JACK'S SACK! THOSE FOOLS.
UPDATE: Whew for them. They gave it back.
UPDATE: Wow. A thigh shot NOT FIRED BY JACK.
UPDATE: OK, that finale was not much in the way of slam-bang.
UPDATE: Take it, Amazing Steve.
Fermented fruit libations…..check!
Living room perimeter secured…..check!
Wooden Dialogue Generator set to stun…..check!
Disbelief washed, dried, and hung in the closet for the forseeable future…..check!
Photo of Jack Bauer in a dress set as my new computer background…..doublecheck!!
Still miss Marwan…..check!
Stock of exclamation points nearly depleted…..check!
It’s 30 minutes to thigh-shootin’ time! Let’s go, dammit!
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 08:31 PM
testing...
Posted by: babydocwhit | January 17, 2010 at 08:33 PM
Woot! First comment of the new season!
Damn. I peaked early. >< *sigh*
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 08:34 PM
Please tell me judi will give us a place to hang out tomorrow nite!
Posted by: lakedog | January 17, 2010 at 08:34 PM
engage Briggs & Straton wooden dialogue generator.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 17, 2010 at 08:35 PM
Diva, I spent the offseason laying in some stiffer suspension cables for my disbelief.
I was sort of hoping they would have the new Paseo Bridge finished by now, so I could use the cables from the old one. Alas, they didn't.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 08:36 PM
diva, it happens to all of us...try thinking about baseball...
Posted by: insomniac | January 17, 2010 at 08:37 PM
Have the rules of the drinking game been established for this season?
Posted by: Spiny Norman | January 17, 2010 at 08:38 PM
...OK, why did the Human Target guy take off the bulletproof vest? Doesn't he realize he might get shot again before the episode is over?
That's a mistake Jack wouldn't have made...
At the least, Human Target guy could have given the vest to Tricia Helfer...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 08:39 PM
Anyone else watching 2 grown men wrestle in a fort on Human Target?
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 08:40 PM
Rule Number One of the 24 Season Eight drinking game: If the plot starts making sense to you, you aren't drinking nearly enough.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 08:41 PM
I think I saw Drunk Urinal guy at a show on Friday night. He was trying to paw every blonde in sight. Never before I have been so fervently thankful not to be blonde.
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 17, 2010 at 08:42 PM
I have established a perimeter made up of various types of Lance™ crackers. Ready.
Posted by: Jeff Tompkins | January 17, 2010 at 08:42 PM
"Kim"
A 24 sonnet
You think your kid's a pain? Consider Kim.
Despite the work of Jack, that stalwart mensch,
When Terri died at Nina's evil whim,
Kim blamed it all on Jack. Ungrateful wench!
Now, through the years Kim's popped up here and there
And when she does, some bad stuff comes to pass
With A-bombs, cougars, Tony's hit-man pair
And (poor old Edgar) nasty Sentox gas.
When Jack took ill, Kim traveled from afar.
Though some might say she's just a little dim
(She thinks a Prion's just a hybrid car),
She gave her stem cells, risking life and limb.
So how's Kim's DNA affecting Jack?
His hair's now blond. He has a killer rack.
Posted by: ford79 | January 17, 2010 at 08:42 PM
Why did the human target train window blow IN?
Posted by: NotSherly | January 17, 2010 at 08:42 PM
Checking in. Here and ready to go.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 08:44 PM
you all know that those of us who watch grey's anatomy are being subjected to whatshername, don't you? and cher is on the golden globes.
Posted by: judi | January 17, 2010 at 08:45 PM
Locked and loaded! Ready to go!
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 17, 2010 at 08:45 PM
Nice work, Ford79! The closing couplet is especially good. :-)
Posted by: Dr Alice | January 17, 2010 at 08:46 PM
About the only thing I remember from last season is a lot of stuff blew up, Jack got sick, and some kid called him grandpa. I have reminded my children not to call, which means of course they will, have my diet coke, and tissues at the ready. The tissues are in case somebody on 24 that I like gets hurt.
Posted by: nursecindy | January 17, 2010 at 08:47 PM
UGH on both counts, judi. I'm watching too...may or may not make it here till the final hour...gotta watch a little Desperate Housewives too ;-) I'm DVRing it.
Posted by: Siouxie | January 17, 2010 at 08:47 PM
13 more minutes to Bauer-time...
Posted by: Bnatural | January 17, 2010 at 08:48 PM
Only problem for tonight is that Comcast has has crapped out on me 4 times today already. They had best not ruin my Jack Bauer time >:I
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 08:48 PM
Mr. Blonde Cylon has some 'splaining to do. That's his tie on that train door. (On "Human Target")
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 17, 2010 at 08:49 PM
Wonder how long it'll take before TypeCrap freaks out...?
Posted by: Tori Lennox | January 17, 2010 at 08:50 PM
As I watched dude shoot up the seats on the subway car I way thinking 24 started early...and who is that guy acting like Jack with a 'tude.
Posted by: Mitch | January 17, 2010 at 08:50 PM
Agent Freckles just said she was "going dark" on the promo. PLease advise.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 17, 2010 at 08:51 PM
Hey all,
Just as with last year, if you want to follow along a more mediocre 24 Live Blog, I'm doing it here: http://bit.ly/5GXsTx
Stop by, won't you?
Posted by: Aaron | January 17, 2010 at 08:52 PM
Wait, I've got it. Silver Steak.
Posted by: Mitch | January 17, 2010 at 08:52 PM
This "Christopher Chance" guy on Human Target and Jack look like they would make a good team.
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 17, 2010 at 08:52 PM
Welcome all. The train on the "Human Target" just crashed. Amateurs. "24" doesn't normally jump the rails until the sixth episode, or so.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 08:53 PM
Sorry, kids, I can't participate in tonight's evisceration of 24. Am watching the Golden Bosoms Awards.
But, when it comes to Terror v. Jack, my money is on Jack. Jack and the dress he stole from me in 8th grade.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 17, 2010 at 08:54 PM
Norman, we have to have a GAME to drink? I thought it was just a given....
*Waves @ Wes!*
Heya, homeybeef! How you been in the off-season? :)
Ford - you made me cry with the beauty of your poetry. *sniff*
Judi, Cher has had Golden Globes ever since she got that surgery back in '75.... ;-)
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 08:55 PM
Seriously Suzy?! That is such a guy thing to do. I feel less somehow.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 08:55 PM
Aw, Suzy. We'll miss you!! :)
*waves @ Sharkie!*
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 08:56 PM
Whew, almost forgot.
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 17, 2010 at 08:56 PM
HI DIVA!
I've spent my off season waiting for and getting excited for the most exciting show on television: Lost.
Until that comes back I guess I'll just watch 24.
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 08:57 PM
Interesting how slowly dying from "exposure to the Deadly Death Canister of Lethal Doom" looks amazingly like a hangover.
Dave - bazooms + fake tan = Golden Globes.
Posted by: Annie Where-but-here | January 17, 2010 at 08:57 PM
Anyone wanna volunteer to proof read my posts before I click on Post?
Posted by: Mitch | January 17, 2010 at 08:57 PM
Reporting for duty! I know I said I was done with 24 after last season, but this season HAS to be better, right? RIGHT?
Posted by: rockin01 | January 17, 2010 at 08:58 PM
Riggs and Murtaugh, together again!
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 08:59 PM
Is it okay that I have already warmed up with a few practice shots of the liquor of my choice??? Or did I already break the iron clad Bauer 24 drinking rules...
Posted by: Bnatural | January 17, 2010 at 08:59 PM
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
NO! SOUP! FOR! YOU!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
LATE NIGHT WITH DAVE!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
WHO YA GONNA CALL?
*Ray Parker, Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" theme begins playing*
JACK BAUER!
If there's someone strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
If it's someone weird an they don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
He ain't afraid of no knife!
He ain't afraid of no knife!
If you're seein' thugs runnin' thru your streets
Who can you call?
JACK BAUER!
A terrorist man blowin' up your fleets
Oh who ya gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
He ain't afraid of no gun!
He ain't afraid of no gun!
Who ya gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
If they're all alone pick up the phone
And call...
JACK BAUER!
He ain't afraid of no bomb!
I hear he likes girls clothes.
He ain't afraid of no bomb!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
Who you gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
If you've had a jist
Of a freaky mist, baby,
You better call...
JACK BAUER!
OW!
Lemme tell ya somethin'...
Shootin' makes him feel good!
He ain't afraid a no nuke!
He ain't afraid a no nuke!
Don't get caught alone, oh no
JACK BAUER!
When he busts through their door,
Unless they just want some more,
I think you better call...
JACK BAUER!
OW! Who you gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
Who'll stab your eye?
JACK BAUER!
Ah, I think you better call...
JACK BAUER!
Who you gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
He can't hear you...
JACK BAUER!
Who'll shoot your thigh?
JACK BAUER!
Louder!
JACK BAUER!
Who you gonna call?
JACK BAUER!
Who you can call?
JACK BAUER!
(fade out)
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BOWAH POWAH OWAH!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !
Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™ is back baby! BACK! And fully believes that Jay Leno is NOT funny! You're next on Jack's list, Leno! Better watch out!") and ChloeSack™ ("Which full supports CoCo!")
LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!
This season's "24" intros are brought to you in memory of my dear friend Michael "Sparky" Bushaw, who passed away the day after this past Christmas. Sparky, my fraternity big brother, best man at my wedding and best friend for the last 20 years, was the one person with whom I watched "24" when it originally premiered on Fox. Always a fan of the show, I believe it fitting to dedicate this season in his memory. Rest in peace, brother...I miss you!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 09:00 PM
GO!
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 17, 2010 at 09:00 PM
Human Target guy on a plane with no snakes. lame
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 09:00 PM
LOL rockin
Posted by: Chad4359 | January 17, 2010 at 09:00 PM
"Physic do not occur in real scientific method..."
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
It's so good to be back! //looking over perimeter of wine glasses LOVE YOU ALL!
Posted by: Gennita Low | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
"Realtime" - in what universe?
Posted by: spazztic | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
Well, nothing has blown up yet.
Posted by: nursecindy | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
In Real Time!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
YAY!!!!! I need my Jack fix! I need my Jack fix!
By the way all Canadians are like Jack. It's just that we have a bad day like hos only every 7 years or so.
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
I guess the shooters must be this season's patsy Arab fall guys...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 09:01 PM
Manny's henna treatment went awry.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
One guy dead. Nice start.
Posted by: Siouxie | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Manny got stiffed...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Red shirt
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Sweet!!! Multiple deaths in minute 1! I have high hopes for this season!
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Crack pipe! Headshot! And we aren't even five minutes into the show.
Posted by: Mitch | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Just what I've always dreamed of- a Shield crossover! Bring on Vic Mackey!
Posted by: rockin01 | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Where is Shelly Volante??
Posted by: Courter Caputo | January 17, 2010 at 09:02 PM
Blue Tooth wearers are this season'e red berret
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 09:03 PM
Little Red Riding Hood?
Posted by: Siouxie | January 17, 2010 at 09:03 PM
Is the current Governor of California doing the voice-over for that guy with the goatee?
Posted by: Jeff Tompkins | January 17, 2010 at 09:03 PM
Is that Ba'al with rifle? (Stargate fans know who I mean.)
Posted by: spazztic | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
Shoot sideways and your gun will jam.
Posted by: danceswithvowels | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
I wonder if they thought about using some of those cash for clunkers cars for the car chase scenes?
Posted by: nursecindy | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
JACK SLEEPS!
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
9mm's come with 100 shot clips?
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
It's a LOST polar bear! He's on the island!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
Jack! Asleep! It's your last nap for 24 hours, sweetie.
Posted by: Gennita Low | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
Thought Bauer woke in someone's home like Margot Kidder.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 09:04 PM
Jack's grandkid is just about as ungrateful as his daughter was...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 09:05 PM
Jack watches FoxNews!
Posted by: spazztic | January 17, 2010 at 09:05 PM
I disagree...that WAS a cartoon! It was Fox News, after all...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 09:05 PM
Jack is wrapped about her little finger.
Posted by: ArcticAl | January 17, 2010 at 09:05 PM
first a dress now a doll. Jack is getting soft.
Posted by: nursecindy | January 17, 2010 at 09:05 PM
Kim's married to a jerk!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Grandpa Jack! Shut up kid, if you value your thigh...
Posted by: rockin01 | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Notice Jack limbering up his trigger finger...That'll come in handy later.
Posted by: The Dead Henchman | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
The husband is a goner.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Jack is gonna chop off Kim's guy's hand, isn't he?
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Yeah, go ahead, YOU ask him...don't mind the thigh wound he gives you...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 17, 2010 at 09:06 PM
Oh for a city cougar.
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
Hey, Jack's granddaughter is the "minced fish" kid! I love that kid. :D
Hey, Gennita and Renee! Nice to see you two. :)
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
Dismantle this!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
id it a drink every time someone makes a final answer joke on the blog?
Posted by: homeybeef | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
So who thinks Kimmy's hubby will end up a corpse by the end of the season?
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
Blah, blah, President Woman President, blah, blah....
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 09:07 PM
Who is this wonk with the "Dance Fever" haircut?!
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
In response to Dave, we have left trans-fats and have entered banning salt. Crack will come much later...in Bloomberg's 20th 4-year term...
Posted by: Bnatural | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
*raises hand for Wes*
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
Nice hair...on the dude. He's hair is better than Madame President.
Posted by: Mitch | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
"City cougar?" By this time, Kimmy herself is approaching cougar status...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
negotiator helper has very healthy hair -- think he might be channeling john edwards' stylist.
Posted by: stumptowncynic | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
Isn't that they guy from Slumdog Millionaire??
Posted by: Siouxie | January 17, 2010 at 09:08 PM
Did Madame President give that guy lashes???
Posted by: KaliAmanda | January 17, 2010 at 09:09 PM
We are so devoted, the only way FOX will tune in is for my husband to sit on the floor.
Oh crap!! Madam Woman President is still alive.
Posted by: Tash | January 17, 2010 at 09:09 PM
THPBPBPBT to the Tropichunt Guy and *high five* to Diva! :-)
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 17, 2010 at 09:09 PM
So, which one of us is paying attention to the ersatz "plot line" this season? I'm too busy blogging....
Posted by: Diva | January 17, 2010 at 09:09 PM