Dave Barry's Blog

EVERYBODY INVOLVED WILL RECEIVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE OR TWO

A New Zealand woman who flashed her breasts at passing motorists distracted one driver so much he ran her over.

(Thanks to Heather Parker)

WE DEMAND ACTION ANYWAY

An RSPCA inspector investigating a cattle dog that reportedly had no food, no shelter and had been tied to the same spot for months found the deprived pooch was actually a concrete statue.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU THINK FOOTBALL IS A ROUGH SPORT

Try competitive pie-eating.

Key Excerpt: After claims last year of cough linctus in the gravy, Wigan event sees anger and a walkout over switch to Adlington pies

(Thanks to DavCat)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Noisy sex woman admits Asbo breach

(Thanks to bonmot)

ALSO ON HAND WAS THE WORLD'S LARGEST STYPTIC PENCIL

India goes for the world mass shaving record.

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

LIGHTEN UP, NORTH FACE

Key Legal Point: "The South Butt has previously made it clear to The North Face that the consuming public is insightful enough to know the difference between a face and a butt."

(Thanks to Richard Klinzman)

EDUCATIONAL GIFT IDEA OF THE DAY SO FAR

Teaching children the little-known scientific fact that dinosaurs were erupted from volcanoes.

(Thanks to Barb)

CSI: HOOPER BAY, ALASKA

Alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, CLARK GRISWOLD

Guys continue to push the holiday envelope.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)

SPORTS UPDATE

We wonder if he has the same agent as Wang.

(Thanks to Jhn Gregg)

ENVIRONMENTAL UPDATE

Is your pig housebroken? The pigs in Taiwan are about to be.

This is nothing new.

NO WORD ON THE FRENCH REACTION

Two Germans needed hospital treatment after they fought a pitched battle in a supermarket with salamis used as clubs and a chunk of Parmesan cheese brandished like a dagger.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

OK, THAT'S ENOUGH PRODUCTIVITY FOR TODAY

(Thanks to Linda Wine)

THEY ARE WELCOME TO PUSH THEIR CAR TO FLORIDA

(Thanks to Jason Ulrich)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are all about friendship.

(Thanks to jon harris)

TODAY'S NEWS BRIEFING FROM CHINA

Fang Deng's cat Miao Mi can use a human loo.

This has been Today's News Briefing from China.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

Update.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE HOPE THIS INVOLVED A LARGE GOVERNMENT GRANT

Research confirms mothers were right all along - removing a Band-Aid is less painful when it is ripped off quickly.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Allen at Division)

ATTENTION, FEMALE DELL CUSTOMERS

Mind your jubblies.

Original story here.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BECAUSE THE NEXT STEP IS HEROIN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to Bob Harris)

Vaguely Related Update: They're urging Wang Wang and Funi to reproduce Down Under.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

ATTENTION, MALE JOBSEEKERS

(Thanks to -- it goes without saying -- Siouxie)

REALLY BAD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Wedged Testicle

("Thanks" to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson, who we assume has testicles and therefore should know better)

AHOY THERE

Two British women attempting a world record by rowing across the Atlantic say they hope to shave a few days off the trip by completing the feat naked.

(Thanks to CJrun)

AND HER CLIENT WAS NAMED JOHN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Vaguely related sports-themed update here.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IF THAT DOESN'T WIN HER HEART, NOTHING WILL

Police on Friday arrested a truck driver Friday on suspicion of property damage after he allegedly urinated on a towel at the entrance of the apartment belonging to a woman he liked.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BOFFIN UPDATE

A major breakthrough.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, OFFICE WORKERS

You need more paper.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

COMMUTER UPDATE FROM DONGWAN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

STAY CLASSY, FLYNT FAMILY

(Thanks to Steve)

WHICH MEANS, LADIES, THAT HE IS STILL AVAILABLE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF YOU NEED A BRASSIERE, WEAR ONE

...and other useful advice for single ladies.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using inebriated elk.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

CSI: BOUTTE

Woman arrested in grits attack

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

If you're flying out of O'Hare this morning, be prepared to stand on your head, because the departure information is upside-down. We assume this is intended to thwart terrorists.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK

Meat-Eating Petunias

(Thanks to Jancie Gelb)

URGENT HEALTH UPDATE

Burrrpp.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

'TIS THE SEASON

...to watch the giant flammable Swedish Christmas goat on the Bockenkamera.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

AND CONGRESS DOES NOTHING

Dartmouth apologizes to Harvard over squash taunts

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton)

Squash Taunts would be a good name for a rock band.

DECK THE HALLS, DUDE

(Thanks to catmanmax)

OFFSPRING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to cromwell)

WHY WE NEED A MANDATORY COOLING-OFF PERIOD FOR MEAT PURCHASES

Woman charged over slapping boyfriend with steak

(Thanks to jon harris and Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE: Also, doughnuts.

(Thanks to Guin)

REMINDS US OF THE SIXTIES

Weird lights over Norway.

(Thanks to Albert York)

LOVE BOAT

The world's first cougar cruise.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S AN INNOCENT EXPLANATION

(Thanks to Anil Haji) (Yes)

ROMANCE

It's in the air.

(Thanks to Al Coholic)

IT WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT EVOLVING

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

SATAN MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Arriving police officers saw Irving naked and holding the shotgun.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HEADLINE WRITERS REJOICE

Police pull over the Wienermobile.

(Thanks to Susan Frambes)