Dave Barry's Blog

INCREDIBLY, THE QUARTERBACK WAS NOT WARREN MOON

An NFL lineman loses his pants.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

DUH

(Thanks to Onterrible)

WE'RE GOING WITH GREAT

(Thanks to Stan)

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY HE'S SO POPULAR, AS OPPOSED TO, SAY, PUBLIC-HEALTH EXPERTS

Monash University public health expert Dr Nathan Grills says Santa Claus promotes obesity, speeding, drink-driving

(Thanks to Ralph)

INDIANA

The Action State

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

VEGETABLE THEOLOGY UPDATE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DOES NOTHING

San Francisco faces a shortage of ugly Christmas sweaters.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NO, THEY'RE NOT

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IMPORTANT NEW SOURCE OF ENERGY

Unfortunately, it doesn't last long.

(Thanks to Bob Harris)

Update: Related item here.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE BOMB-SQUAD DOGS TORE HIM APART

A Chinese robber threatened to blow up a restaurant with sausages, disguised as explosives, strapped to his body.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA

How about a calendar featuring scantily clad women posing with coffins?

(Thanks to Bernie Black)

And there are still a few of these left at an amazingly low price.

IT WAS PROBABLY RUNNING VISTA

Israeli border police shoot a laptop.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THEY'RE HERE

A giant mystery UFO pyramid appears over Moscow.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE WANTED TO BE SURE IT WAS FRESH

Supermarket surveillance video reveals bum-smelling shopper.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

CHRISTMAS IN NIPOMO

Fun yard display.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CHRISTMAS IN ALASKA

Frogs in the trees.

"Officials urge residents to kill them."

(Thanks to nursecindy)

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I THOUGHT THE TURKEY-FRYER FIRE WAS UNDER CONTROL

Radio stunt accident injures firefighter

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

CHRISTMAS IN SANDUSKY

A time of giving.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and nursecindy)

SHE'S HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Mrs. Potts

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

LEGAL PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Memphis attorney has admitted to biting off part of a man's nose during a confrontation at a popular Midtown restaurant.

Key Mitigating Circumstance: And while he admitted to biting off part of Herbers' nose, Lambert says he didn't swallow it, but spit it out.

(Thanks to Mary)

URGENT BREAKING CELEBRITY UPDATE

Paris Hilton has a micro-pig.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE'VE KNOWN GUYS LIKE THIS

According to lead researcher Camilla Ryne, bedbugs are notoriously undiscerning about who they mount, and are accustomed to stab their penis straight into another male’s abdomen.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Juggler of Geese)

CSI: SILT

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF YOU CAN STAND IT

...one more Herald Hunt recap.

Update: There's also this.

WE'LL JUST HAVE A BEER, THANKS

The McNuggetini

Key Quote: “It tastes just like a White Russian, but with meat.”

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH IQs BELOW 17:

Melt Bar & Grilled in the Cleveland suburb of Lakewood specializes in spins on the grilled cheese and says anyone with a tattoo of the classic sandwich will get 25 percent off.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

LADIES:

We're guessing he's single.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

HAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOTE FROM NURSECINDY

First may I say all the good wishes from the blog for my surgery yesterday really meant so much to me. What a wonderful group of people. I am not able to walk yet but when I am I will be booking a ticket to London to kick the ad guy's buttocks that dreamed this commercial up. I will get a note from my doctor first.

HO HO HOLY SMOKES GET ME OFF THIS GUY

Sketchy Santas

(Thanks to The Perts)

ARIZONA EDUCATION UPDATE

Choir director takes students to Hooters

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Horace LaBadie)

HO HO HOOOOOOOOOO

Jack Bauer interrogates Santa

(Thanks to Ray, Rod Kirby, Matt Filar, Allen at Division and of course The Amazing Steve)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WE HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THE SQUIRRELS TALKED IT INTO THIS

Cow jumps six feet on to roof

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN CROATIA

Parents say the fox is too voluptuous - and believe the spine dreams carry sexual connotations.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TODAY'S SPORTS HIGHLIGHT

What could possibly go wrong?

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

'PROBABLY?'

A 13-year-old teen was probably in hot water with his father after running up a cell phone bill of nearly $22,000.

(Thanks to bonmot and jon harris)

A GIANT COUGH FOR MANKIND

With a special cigarette-shaped hole in the mitten, smokers can light-up without exposing their digits to the harsh elements.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DUDE

Wanna do some hummus?

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?

You're an old man.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

GIVE THESE PEOPLE THE NOBEL PRIZE NOW

Bark4Beer makes the world’s best dog collar: a retractable bottle opener and dog collar in one. 

(Thanks to Dick Hess)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

She was angry at him because he plans to move to Ohio. So she poured beer on him. This woke him up.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE HAS ALREADY BEEN OFFERED SEVERAL COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIPS

4-Year-Old Leaves House Overnight, Drinks Beer, Opens Neighbor's Gifts

(Thanks to CJrun)

THE MOVIE RIGHTS HAVE ALREADY BEEN SOLD

Plot thickens over Russian pantyhose probe

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for the Kung Fu Monkeys.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson)

CANCEL THAT CRUISE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FOR THE COMMUTER ON YOUR GIFT LIST

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Drunk Santa scares kids while looking for his reindeer

(Thanks to Ralph)

TODAY'S USEFUL SCIENCE FACT

Sprouts make turtles flatulent too

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says he saw the Flatulent Turtles open for James Taylor)

DESPERATE? US?

Not at all!

(Thanks to many people)