Dave Barry's Blog

THIS JUST IN FROM ABROAD

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

SURELY THERE'S AN INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Man Comes Home To Find Intruder Wearing His Boxers

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

HOW REAL GUYS TRIM A HEDGE

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Endless Cake Nightmare

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

Now: Sea Monsters.

Key Eyewitness Quote: "It's either a snake, or a serpent-type thing that looks like a snake."

(Thanks to CJrun)

THAT'S ONE WORD FOR IT

Not since the 1980s have hair bows been this stylish.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WE SAW THE SERIAL GROIN KICKERS OPEN FOR IGGY POP

B.C. police seek serial-groin-kicker after series of attacks

(Thanks to Stephen MacDonough)

Also on the bill: Irradiated Monkeys

(Thanks to RussellMc)

Who later changed their name to: Drunk Hedgehog

(Thanks to Ralph)

THANKSGIVING IS COMING

There's nothing like a homemade pumpkin pie.

 

(Thanks to the s.b.'s sister Maggi)

NOT WEIRD AND CREEPY AT ALL!

The barnyard yoga guy.

(Thanks to Mark Newsom)

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE STOPPED CODDLING THE DEAD

A Ugandan government official has said that the bodies of people who die from drinking an illicit local gin should be caned six times before burial as an example to the living.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE FROM THE SHOW-ME STATE

(Thanks to kibby F5)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A truck window.

(Thanks to James)

SEND THE SCULPTOR TO WASHINGTON

(Thanks to B'game)

OH, THE NAKED MAN STANDING OUTSIDE ON THE AIR CONDITIONER? FUNNY STORY!

Romance in Chengdu.

(Thanks to malch)

MUSHROOMS MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

A young Stafford man was arrested last night in connection with an incident during which he was running around naked and got hit by a slow-moving train, police said.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

NO PROBLEM, AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T SAY 'MEEP!'

Wildlife officer loses alligator in school

(Thanks to Christine)

EDUCATION UPDATE

Mass. principal bans students from saying 'Meep!'

(Thanks to Cynthia)

THEY ACTUALLY LEAVE YOU WITH BETTER-SMELLING BREATH THAN THE REGULAR ONES

Rabbit-poo cigarettes.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE CAN'T REMEMBER IF OUR STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES ALREADY PREVENTED US FROM BLOGGING THIS ITEM

So just in case, we are going to not blog it again.

(Thanks to Another Dave)

HIKERS:

Wear your nappies.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

MEN: FOR THE SAKE OF THE SPECIES, YOU MUST REMAIN IN THAT BARCA-LOUNGER

A study has found that household chores – including using a vacuum cleaner or microwave oven – could reduce a man’s chances of having children.

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

THANKS, SCIENTISTS!

More hermaphrodite worms.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

Update: Here's another important scientific breathrough.

(Thanks to jon harris)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I are strumpeting in the Magic Kingdom today. We are endorsing this man for whatever office he chooses to run for.

MIAMI BOOK FAIR AND ORLANDO STRUMPDATE

If you are in Florida, you have no excuse not to be there. Or there. Or you are not allowed to be square. And let's face it, being as we're all geeks, nerds or dorks, "square" is pretty much the go-to status.

SOUTH FLORIDA WILDLIFE FOOD ITEM UPDATE

 
Cock Flavoured Soup,  Pumpkin Beef Soup

Ackees in Brine (we have no idea what this is, but it looks terrifying)

HE NEEDS THAT ROLLOVER PLAN

TAMPA, Fla. — Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.

(Thanks to Meani the Blue)

SPEAKING OF SPIDERS

A British man has been arrested at Rio de Janeiro airport with 1000 live spiders in his luggage.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ralph)

CSI: HOLLYWOOD

First, officers had to figure out which Spider-Man impostor was which, because they found four of them dressed as the superhero about 12:30 p.m., police said.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE KINKS

Monkey Butler and the Brain-Delving Boffins

(Thanks to DavCat)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using pelicans to deplete our nation's precious strategic supply of Bugattis.

(Thanks to Andy, nursecindy and Cynthia)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I had a great event for Peter and the Sword of Mercy last night at the St. Louis County Library. Thanks to all who came out, especially the inflatable pirate, who seemed to know Ridley from somewhere, not that this is any of my business.

GARDENING TIP OF THE DAY SO FAR

Gardeners at a National Trust property in Cambridgeshire are urging people to relieve themselves outdoors to help gardens grow greener.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

STAND TALL, BRITAIN

UK man breaks record for pulling bus with hair

(Thanks to Catherine)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to SW)

ANIMAL SEGMENT OF THE YEAR SO FAR

Beaver Urinates on Correspondent

Special Note: The guy holding the beaver is Miami Metrozoo communications director Ron Magill, who gave Walter to this blog.

(Thanks to Siouxie and SW)

AND THE BEATLES ARE THOSE GUYS ON GUITAR HERO

From nursecindy:

Steven Tyler is retiring for a while.  I was at the store where 2 infants, 17 years old, were discussing this.  One of them told the other they had heard that Steven Tyler was retiring. The other asked who he was. The first one said, " He's Liv Tyler's dad!  I think he used to have a band or something."  I wanted to drag them to the car and make them listen to 'Dude Looks Like A Lady' and 'Walk This Way' until they admitted he was one of the greatest rock and roll singers of all time. I was afraid of going to jail if I did that but if the judge were our age I believe he would have understood and dropped the charges.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING PLUTO

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

YOU JUST KNOW THEY'RE WORKING FOR THE SQUIRRELS

Gang of raccoons hold up bus for food treats

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CSI: SPRING HILL

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

DOLLY PARTON'S IS A PAR SIX

Bra unrolls into putting mat

(Thanks to Brian Duval, Janice Gelb, Matt Filar, Ralph and catmanmax. And Siouxie.)

ACADEMIC JOB OPENING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Dude.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

MOVE OVER, BRYNNE AND GEOFFREY

People here in Florida have got classy on speed dial.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE'VE KNOWN SOME GUYS LIKE THIS

Often the predators did not even investigate the potential meals, presumably because the beetles fooled them into believing they were just turds.

(Thanks to jon harris, who points out that "Poo Armor" WBAGNFARB)

DO THEY HAVE TO USE THE UNDER-THE-STALL HAND SIGNALS?

(Thanks to Ivan)

BACKGROUND ON THE PAC-MAN ROOMBA GUYS

Here.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NON-HUMOROUS POST FOR VETERANS AND THEIR FAMILIES

This is spectacularly inadequate, but: Thank you.

MAN BITES DOG

(Thanks to Leslie Dyer)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Escape from shopping in a Manpod.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

AND WE'RE GUESSING MEMBERS OF BeautifulPeople.com ARE AMONG THE STUPIDEST

(Thanks to Siouxie)