Dave Barry's Blog

HOW TO SEND THAT SPECIAL LADY A MESSAGE THAT SAYS: 'I AM PROBABLY A PSYCHOPATH'

A "Genuine Bird Head Pendant Necklace Sterling Silver Plaque."

Beware of fake bird-head pendant necklace sterling silver plaques.

(Thanks to Gretchen Schmidt)

ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

Now on sale at the lowest price ever.

POLITICS IN CRESTED BUTTE

We need to send these people to Washington.

Wilson was ready to try something other than flipping a coin. “It was good because we didn’t know each other very well. If [Mason] knew me better, he’d know I don’t like guns and so would never be a cowboy. I am a bear-ninja inside.”

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

OUR ADVICE IS, STOP GIVING THEM BEER

(Thanks to DavCat and Ralph)

THANKSGIVING GIFT OF LAST WEEK SO FAR

The woman arrived at the police station on Bob Crowell Road at 12:48 p.m., police said. They said she wanted to get rid of a World War II hand grenade a relative had given her on Thanksgiving.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR OZZY OSBOURNE

Manure Pervert

(Thanks to catmanmax)

Update: A.k.a. Serial Slurry Fetish Man

(Thanks to Coconuts)

MEN OF NEW YORK:

Time to go window-shopping.

Key Quote: "We're from Mississippi. So we don't see that a lot down there."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ART UPDATE

(Thanks to Ralph)

SUDDENLY, ALL THE OTHER HOT DOGS FEEL INSECURE

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DAD?

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

AMICABLE BREAKUP OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Woman rams house with burning truck

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

SCIENCE UPDATE

(Thanks to Jeff Ledford, who, incredibly, thought this item might be beneath the standards of this blog)

MEN:

Ever thought about an academic career?

(Thanks to Linda, judi and Jeff Meyerson)

HUNT WRAPUP

It was a fine Hunt: Beautiful day, nice crowd including genius winners who figured out how to go backward in time and solve the Hunt before we even designed it. Or so it seemed. Here's some video by the Herald's Chuck Fadely. Andy the TropicHunt.com guy promises to have more here, but the last we saw him he was drinking beer in downtown Miami relaxing so it may not be soon. I'll post more links if I figure out where they are.

Thanks to everybody who came out, and especially to the volunteers.

Update: Story by the Herald's Robert Samuels here.

HUNT UPDATE

Among the major celebrities here is Romeo.

HERALD HUNT REMINDER

It's tomorrow! Info here and here. Get your Miami Herald, read the special Hunt section, and be in downtown Miami at noon. You WILL have fun.

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

(Thanks to catmanmax)

GOD HELP US IF IRAN GETS HOLD OF THIS

Tactical Nuclear Penguin Beer

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CABBAGE PATCH KIDS

Robotic hamsters.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Update: They're fighting over these things in Indiana (The Ball-Tapping State). 

(Thanks to Catherine)

OOPS

(Thanks to Lani)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A steam iron.

(Thanks to Catherine and Guin)

Another version here.

(Thanks to Bill Ahearn)

INDIANA

The Ball-Tapping State

(Thanks to DavCat)

CONVENIENCE-STORE CLERK OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The good news: He's very attentive. The bad news: He will attempt to mate with your leg.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STYLISH CLOTHES IN ACCORD WITH NEEDS OF THE TIMES

FAMOUSCRAP

(Thanks to Grant Streeter)

IT'S A B! IT'S A C! IT'S A D!

Amazing Chinese brassiere technology, featuring "God's Hand," lets women choose.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and CJrun, both guys. Also DavCat.)

SCOTTISH WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

We're guessing this story has Scottish men re-thinking the whole concept of kilts.

(Thanks to DavCat and Marr Filar)

BULGARIAN SCIENCE UPDATE

(Thanks to Ralph)

TRAGIC

(Thanks to Onterrible)

ATTENTION, TEXAS MEN LOOKING FOR A GOOD CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA

Consider fish.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A... UM....

Atlantis glides home with choked pee nozzle

(Thanks to DavCat and Ralph)

TERRORISM DOWN UNDER

Flatulent pig sparks gas alert

Key Firefighter Quote: "I don't know what they're feeding this thing."

Another version here.

(Thanks to Ross Marks, Cam, DavCat, catmanmax, Matt Filar, Cynthia and Ralph)

WHERE WAS THE NATIONAL GUARD?

Colorado governor's lawn draped in toilet paper

TRAVEL AND HOLIDAY UPDATE

I made it back to Miami. That's the good news. The bad news is that I am now in Miami, where the Thanksgiving bird is not so much a turkey as it is a hand gesture Miami drivers make to one another in the genuinely insane traffic that develops here right before major holidays.

Also Mrs. Blog informs me that a crocodile was captured in a neighbor's swimming pool. The neighborhood association email alert says that  "the 4-foot reptile has been tagged and relocated to a crocodile-designated area in the county." That's right: Our county has a crocodile-designated area. The email alert doesn't say where it is. Far away, I hope. I'm also wondering: Do we have a separate area designated for alligators? Snakes? Lawyers who advertise on TV? Kardashians?

In any event. I'm thankful to be home and not driving any more. I hope you're home; or with loved ones; or at least with ones you don't hate; or, at bare minimum, beer. Wherever you are, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.

AS A PERSON WHO IS FLYING TODAY, AND WHO JUST WATCHED TSA PERSONNEL CONFISCATE A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE FROM AN ELDERLY WOMAN

I was especially amused by this.

(Thanks to judi)

OR MAYBE NOT

If you experience impotence, instead of a little blue pill maybe you want to apply shockwaves to your privates instead.

(Thanks to many people)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

A Sudoku scandal.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SQUIRRELS 1, DOGS 0

The comments section is entertaining.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy and Horace LaBadie)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that "Mysterious Toilet Blockages" would be a very bad name for a rock band)

DUDE

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THE HERALD HUNT

This Sunday. Downtown Miami at noon. Be there, or be somewhere else. The choice is yours.

Lots more info here, thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com guy.

CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE UPDATE

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

OLD, BUT NEW TO US

Numberwang!

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

OPEN YOUR WALLETS, PEOPLE: IT'S THANKSGIVING

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

New York Bar Owner Says He Will Unveil Nation's First 100-Proof Turkey

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM SKOWHEGAN

On Aug. 11, 2007, a couple held their wedding ceremony on property in St. Albans, according to an affidavit filed by the Somerset County Sheriff's Office. The couple was staying in a camper on the property, and Maxfield was a wedding guest.

Around 10:30 p.m., he was spotted with his arm reaching through a window of the camper.

When the groom hollered at him, he ran across the field, toward the woods, carrying a denim purse.

Inside the purse was $1,500 in cash, given as wedding gifts.

(Thanks to Jeff Carrie's friend Jean)

THEY DON'T MAKE CRIMINALS LIKE THEY USED TO

Sgt. Barbara Jones of the Orlando Police Department said the men tried to rob the restaurant, but one of the employees pushed a bagel cart at the suspects and they fled.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CSI: CLINTON TOWNSHIP

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

SPORTS UPDATE

We just hope he used some anti-monkey-butt powder.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WE'RE PRETTY SURE WE ALREADY BLOGGED THIS, BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

Anti-monkey-butt powder.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Matt Filar and Peter Metrinko)