Dave Barry's Blog

GATOR HUNTER OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OOPS!

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

IT'S A GOOD THING HE DIDN'T HAVE DOGS

(Thanks to many people)

THEY SHOULD CALL THEM "MENTAL DETECTORS"

The scanner found a razor, a knife, scissors and padlock, which led to the officer to emptying out the purse. That's when he found a small bag of what appeared to by marijuana.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

DISASTER PREPAREDNESS ON OUR COLLEGE CAMPUSES

They are pretty darned prepared.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THE INTERNET

Providing us with new ways to offend people since 1994.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and a bunch of other highly offended, or possibly offensive, people)

ADVISORY

I'm going to be busy for the next week or so, because -- to name one item on the agenda -- my son is getting married. I'm very happy about this, because he's marrying a wonderful woman. But still, my son is getting married. And he is six years old.

In my mind, anyway. You parents know how it is. In fact he's a grown man, and a fine one, too. But my point is, blogging from me will be sporadic. I hope you folks can get through this difficult period. If not, you definitely need to increase those dosages.

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Police said the businesses gave about $160,000 in cash to two men in the belief their money would double when soaked in chemicals.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ADVISORY TO THE VIRGINIA DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES

You need to be more alert.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

OK, THEN!

Mare says: "I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends. But I am in no way a prostitute as sex surrogacy is legal, as long as it is done in a therapeutic and healing atmosphere.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THEY'RE WORTH A FORTUNE ON THE BLACK MARKET

A Florida woman says a plastic bag that contained her uncle's cremated remains was stolen during a burglary.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

LADIES' MAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Lakehurst man who pulled out his own teeth with pliers and sprayed blood all over his friend's home in an attempt to scare her was arrested after he allegedly broke several items in the apartment when she contacted authorities...

(Thanks to Barbara A)

ATTENTION, COWPERSONS

You're needed in New Jersey.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for the Tweeting Ugandan Gorillas.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

And in other gorilla news:

Man in gorilla costume mistaken for actual gorilla

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

DNA test shows Hitler skull is that of a woman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DIDN'T THEY OPEN FOR THE BYRDS?

Loose Chickens and The Isolated Incidents

(Thanks to Samantha Donisi)

UPDATE on Loose Fowl 

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Matt Filar)

CSI: ATHENS

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TEXT YOUR SUGGESTIONS TO...

Oh, what the heck. Post 'em in the comments section.

(Thanks to MOTW)

HE'S HAVING TROUBLE FINDING DEBATE OPPONENTS

SC Candidate Raffles Off AK-47 at Rally

(Thanks to nursecindy)

RETAIL UPDATE FROM HOUSTON

Unfortunately, our strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you the retail update from Houston.

(Thanks to Peter Metyerinko)

WE'RE THINKING HE'S SINGLE

(Thanks to DavCat)

OK, SO WE DON'T HAVE FLYING CARS YET

But we do have: remote-controlled beetles!

(Thanks to nurscindy)

HERE KITTY, KIT... NO, WAIT, STAY THERE

Giant pets signed up for fat camp

(Thanks to Ralph)

AT FIRST WE THOUGHT THE SNAKE GAVE BIRTH

Fight over snake ends in delivery

AS PREDICTED IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Student Jessica Taylor was shocked to see her late-night gefilte fish snack light up the kitchen of her north London family home by glowing bright green and yellow.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Vaguely Related Update: Bagelgate

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TREND ALERT

Cow dung cremations catch on in Bihar

(Thanks to Talph)

REPORTEDLY IT'S A TWO-YEAR DEAL WORTH $117 MILLION

The Yankees are sending a gift package to a Baldwinsville fourth-grader who was told by a teacher he had to wear his Yankee’s shirt inside out.

NO NEED TO SEND A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to queensbee)

SUUURE WE WILL. AND THEN WE'LL OFFER IT A SNACK.

A common problem is finding a spider in the bath. Don’t wash it down the plug. Instead, leave a towel over the side of the bath so that the spider can grip onto the fabric and crawl out.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

EDGAR?

Giant baby draws spectators to Indonesian hospital

19.2 POUNDS.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE, II

Matador to Advertise Gay Drink on Cape

(Thanks to DavCat)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Woman gets pregnant -- while pregnant

(Thanks to catmanmax)

IT CONTAINS MIXED NUTS

LaToya Jackson memorializes Michael with a milkshake.

(Thanks to Jonathan)

RED SOX VS. YANKEES

It's personal.

(Thanks to Jonathan)

WHOA

Extreme Pogo

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CONSUMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Bob Harris)

THAT'LL TEACH HIM

A STRIPPER wearing nothing but a parka flashed an Adelaide city parking inspector after becoming annoyed that he had just written her a ticket.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION ALL LIECHES LEISTCHER LICESTER BRITISH UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STARRING NICOLAS CAGE AS KEN

Barbie: The Movie

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

Vaguely Related Update: American Girl's Newest Doll is Homeless

(But not cheap)

(Thanks to nursecindy)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using turkeys.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, MALE FLORIDA SENIORS

You NEED a flu shot.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

FIRST THEY CAME FOR OUR FUNCTIONAL HIGH-FLOW TOILETS

...and now this.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NO THANKS

Spider Venom for Erectile Dysfunction?

(Thanks to DavCat, who asks where, exactly, the spider would bite)

KARAOKE

A full-contact sport.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PLEASE. CELEBRATE! APPROPRIATELY?

National. Punctuation. Day.

Cook the Official Punctuation Meat Loaf!

HE'S GOT OUR VOTE

He seems...um...qualified.

(Thank you on behalf of all the women on the blog, from the s.b. to Horace LaBadie)

OOPS

Romantic proposal in S.C. leads to turtle deaths

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BECAUSE MASSACHUSETTS HAS SOLVED ALL ITS OTHER PROBLEMS

The Fluffernutter, once defamed by a state legislator, could soon become the official sandwich of Massachusetts.

And that's not all: The sandwich is one of three foods that a legislative committee will consider for official state status tomorrow. The others are Necco Wafers, for official state candy, and Charleston Chew, for candy bar.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WE COULD MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THIS STORY INVOLVING THE NAME 'STARBUCKS', BUT WE HAVE TOO MUCH CLASS

(Thanks to B'game)

IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN

The blood lamp.

(Thanks to Mitch)