Dave Barry's Blog

THERE SHOULD ALSO BE SOME KIND OF MINIMUM-IQ REQUIREMENT

Drug testing proposed for state legislators

(Thanks to CJrun)

AND YET THE NETWORKS CONTINUE TO SHOW GOLF

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SWINGER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ANOTHER ADVANTAGE OF RENTING

"I said, 'Geez, Tony, something is going on with your house,'" recalled their next-door neighbor Paul Hoff. "'The siding is melting.'"

(Thanks to Bruce)

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU NEED BREAD STAT

Guys have built a 180-mph bread van.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY'LL NEVER TAKE IT ALIVE

Group claims the Wienermobile broke law in Hawaii

(Thanks to everyone on the Internet)

IT'S GOING TO BE HELL GETTING THEM THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR

There's talk of racing horses at Miami International Airport.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN'T DO?

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

ATTENTION, WEDDING PLANNERS

This is how it's done.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

(Thanks to CJrun)

WE CAN QUIT ANY TIME WE WANT

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SUDDENLY, GUYS ALL OVER INDIA ARE PRAYING FOR DROUGHT

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Baron vonKlyff, RussellMc and Bob Brogan, who observes, "This must be why it rained at Woodstock.")

(Note that these are all guys.)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY FOOTBALL PLAYERS SHOULD SPEND THE OFF-SEASON IN NIGHTCLUBS

Pittsburg State's Joe Windscheffel Out for Season After Zebra Attack

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig, Jenny Kellner, nursecindy and RussellMc, who observes, "He's gonna be afraid of referees after this.")

WE DON'T WANT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THE WEDDING NIGHT

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DEFINITELY BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE

The rectangular, olive-green box with the words 'Front Toward Enemy' raised the suspicions of Goodwill workers....

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE WONDER IF THE FLEEING THIEVES WERE PRECEDED BY GUYS FURIOUSLY SWEEPING WITH BROOMS

More than a third of Australia's total supply of stones for the winter sport of curling have been stolen from a refrigerated lorry in Melbourne.

(Thanks to Barbara A and Jeff, "A Canuck in Moscow")

TODAY'S SPECIAL: TEETH CLEANING AND OIL CHANGE

Police: Fla. woman practiced dentistry in garage

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WHICH IS WHY WE RECOMMEND THE COWBELL

Fire fighters rescue boy from tambourine

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IN OUR DAY, WE JUST DID DRUGS

Intercollegiate Quidditch

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

GUYS

They're all the same.

Warning: Not safe for work, if you work with tortoises.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YES, YOU LOOK LIKE A HUMAN LIGHT BULB. BUT YOU'RE A FASHIONABLE HUMAN LIGHT BULB

Shave those eyebrows.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

FRANCE HAS ALREADY RETREATED TO SWEDEN

Killer chipmunks 'to invade the UK'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

HOW WILL WE, AS A NATION, GO ON?

R.I.P. Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua.

(Thanks to many people)

CONSUMER ADVISORY

Don't eat anything.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and nursecindy)

It is only a matter of time before somebody finds a frog wearing a condom.

ART UPDATE

(Thanks to  tjod)

WHEREAS DOCTORS RECOMMEND JUST THE ONE HAMMER, PLUS A CROWBAR

A DRUNK Romanian thought he'd hit on a good idea to solve his toilet troubles — sticking TWO HAMMERS up his bum.

(Thanks to Danny and Allen at Division)

CHICAGO STYLE

Two men -- at least one of whom was a contestant in a beauty pageant -- were charged early Wednesday with using a trophy to beat a judge because they allegedly did not like his vote in the West Side competition earlier this month.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WAIT... THIS IS WRONG?

Ohioan Charles Papenfus is cooling his heels today in a St. Louis jail, unable to raise the $45,000 bail, after a bitter exchange with a phone rep of a company that hustles car warranties.

Papenfus, infuriated by the company's actions, threatened to burn the company's building down, then hunt down and kill the employees and their families.

(Thanks to nursecindy and Siouxie)

IT'S HARD TO COOPERATE WITH A BULLET IN YOUR THIGH

NEW YORK – Kiefer Sutherland's legal troubles for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a New York City nightclub are over.

The Manhattan district attorney's spokeswoman said Tuesday that misdemeanor assault charges against the actor are being dropped because the alleged victim wouldn't cooperate with prosecutors.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Jeff Meyerson. And nursecindy.)

TROUBLE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

It's been going on for a while.

(Thanks to insomniac)

YEP, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BEAR, ALL RIGHT. OR COLLEGE STUDENTS.

When employees arrived to work the next morning, they discovered that a black bear had pooped and peed in the front office, scarfed down some Doritos, had its way with the refrigerator and tossed a file cabinet.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MIAMI UPDATE: SHARK ON A TRAIN

Hello Dave.  Just when you thought you've seen it all.  Being a native Floridian born and raised in Miami, I should know better.  I took the attached photos last night while catching the Metro Mover by Bayfront Park to my parking garage.  I could not believe my eyes to see a real, bleeding, and still gasping for air shark on the train.  It was rather upsetting to see this cruelty and we were all appalled at the man standing next to it holding onto the fishing line.  He just stood there motionless and would not respond to anyone's questions.  He was reported to a security guard and was supposedly going to be escorted from the train at the next stop.  I snapped the photos on my way off the train at my stop so that my son would believe that there was actually a shark on the train!  Unbelievable.  Only in Miami!   
 
Sandy L. Goodrich

AS IT SO OFTEN DOES

Theft ends in torn genitals

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

(Yes, we know this item is actually old and many of you already sent it in. But come on.)

We saw Torn Genitals open for Black Sabbath.

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

All mechanical inside.

(Thanks to Siouxie, catmanmax and Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using plummeting tortoises.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Jeff Meyerson, who notes that this would be a good name for a rock band) (meaning "Plummeting Tortoises") (as opposed to "Jeff Meyerson")

WHAT, PEOPLE DON'T DUMP SHARKS ON THE STREETS OF YOUR CITY?

Renato Martinez, 53, works at Garcia's, the fish wholesalers and restaurant on the Miami River. He said two men biked to the store, and offered to sell the shark for $10.

Absolutely not, the staff told the men. Those men must have dumped the shark in the middle of the street, Martinez concluded.

"I'm not crazy," Martinez said. "I know it's the same shark."

There were also earlier reports of men carrying "large fish'' on the Metromover, police said. Spokesman Willie Moreno said it was unclear whether the two incidents were related.

(Thanks to Siouxie, Cynthia, Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

Update: It's not just sharks.

ALERT THE MEDIA

Jesus showed up in my egg today! Hallelu. 

-- the s.b.

BECAUSE HE'S INSANE IT'S THERE

A guy rides a rollercoaster track on rollerskates.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

MAYBE IT HAD (HAR!) BUCK TEETH

Deer breaks into dentist office

(Thanks to Deb)

SPORTS UPDATE

This just in.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

Update: Possibly related business update here.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FLORIDA

A proud state.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THE IMPORTANT THING IS, EVERYBODY'S KEEPING BUSY

In a triumph of covert police work, undercover officers in North Carolina arrested another undercover officer from a different force after buying drugs off him.

(Thanks to Siouxie and catmanmax)

CANADA

Less Boring Than You Think

(Thanks to Moe)

THIS IS WHY WE STICK TO BEER

A MAN was engulfed in flames after a police Taser hit him on the bridge of his nose while they were investigating claims of petrol sniffing.

(Thanks to catmanmax, Sue Jenkins, Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

IOWA VOTING UPDATE

(Thanks to Bob McCarty)

PURSUED BY THE ROBOT T. REX...

...the tractor, despite being a poor swimmer, fled for the relative safety of the lake.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'COME ON IN! THE WATER'S APPROXIMATELY 83 PERCENT BODILY FLUIDS!'

(Thanks to Siouxie)

DOGS MAY NOT BE ROCKET SCIENTISTS

But you don't see them betting on us.

(Thanks to Mary Lyall)

GIANT ALASKA BLOB UPDATE

Turns out it's just algae. Or so they want us to believe.

(Thanks to frodolives)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'FEDERAL GOVERNMENT' DOES NOTHING

Chandler woman burns bum on penny left on car seat

(Thanks to DavCat)