Dave Barry's Blog

WHY FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

Seriously, how many reasons do you need?

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE WILL BE ISSUED

....in 9 years.

(Thanks to Al Ortiz)

STILL SINGLE

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Just Ducky)

ATTENTION: THE VACATIONING BLOG

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, sir.

(Thanks to queensbee)

A FOOLPROOF PLAN

(Thanks to Loudmouth, who requests "equal time")

TRAFFIC REPORT FROM DARWIN

A truck driver had a lucky escape when his cucumber-laden rig rolled near a crocodile-infested river after hitting a buffalo yesterday.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Unfortunately, we cannot blog it because of our strict policies against ... oh, Austria it.

(Thanks to DavCat, Peter Metrinko, Jeff Meyerson and Richard Hunt)

AND NO RUNNING THE RED LIGHT, EITHER!

'We are a very traditional community and we find this sort of public display shocking,' the F***ing resident added.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, queensbee, and DavCat)

WHEN FRISBEES ARE OUTLAWED...

Never mind.

(Thanks to Gary Darling)

WHAT WE WOULD POST ON OUR IN-HOUSE BULLETIN BOARD IF WE HAD THE NERVE

A wild suggestion to the person who dropped a spoon down the drain in the kitchen: You could pick it up! 

Yes, this is a radical thought, along the lines of ‘park your car between the two lines, not just wherever you happened to end up' and 'when you make a mess on the toilet seat, wipe it off,' but what the heck. Forward-thinking liberalism is what we are known for in this business.

SO WE KNOW THEY WON'T BE NEEDING ANY ACTING LESSONS

George Cochrane said his school-aged son and daughter, who study by distance education from their farm in Grenfell, were horrified by the sites they could access.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHEN POTATO PEELERS ARE OUTLAWED...

(Thanks to Onterrible and DavCat)

FORGET SQUIRRELS

Breakout fuels killer chipmunk concerns

Killer chipmunks invade kitchens

I fled mad chipmunk

(Thanks to DavCat)

LA CUCARACHA DE FLORIDA

It''s lobster mini-season!

IDAHO RECREATIONAL UPDATE

Do not even think of attempting this without beer.

IDAHO SPIRITUAL UPDATE

Yes, we have blogged this sign before. But hey.

HOW CAN THE BLOG COMPETE?

The purported autobiography of a movie-star chimpanzee is among the contenders for Britain's most prestigious literary award.

(Thanks to Gary)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Googly-Eyed Cisco and the Slave Lake Band!

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE ARE PRETTY SURE THIS WAS BLOGGED BEFORE

And it's not worth getting fired for, so we are not going to blog it.

(Thanks anyway to CJrun)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to crossgirl and insomniac)

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE...

....with dorks.

URGENT BREAKING NEWS FLASH

Typing while you drive is not safe.

(We can only think: "Tell me not Friar that thou hear'st of this unless thou tell me how I can prevent it!" but that is because we are a dork.)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: RICHARDSON

(Thanks to Russell Mc and Josh Orpin) 

SEEMS TO US YOU'D NEED A HELLUVA SPRINKLER SYSTEM

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY

...to this lucky woman.

(Thanks to Horace)

ADVISORY

Blogging from me will be sporadic for the next few weeks because I'm in Idaho, trying to finish a book and interacting with nature. Although I'm hoping there won't be too much interaction. The local paper, The Idaho Mountain Express and Guide, has a story this week headlined Highway collision kills moose, concerning a local motorist who hit an unfortunate moose on Highway 75, a major road here that, tragically, lacks a moose lane. There's also a letter to the editor from a resident who is extremely irate about sheep poop on the bike trail. "Before I sat down to write this letter," he states, "I had to make sure my shorts didn't have bits of sheep poop on them."

So it's not necessarily a natural paradise here in Idaho. We have our problems in Miami -- live sharks on the People Mover, for example -- but we don't have to worry about moose on our roads, and only after certain major South Beach social events do we have to check our shorts for sheep poop.

Anyway, I'll be popping up on the blog from time to time with updates as warranted. Meanwhile, stay cool out there.

BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK

...and don't forget the ice cream, hot dogs, pickles, anchovies, salsa, chips, and peanut butter.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WHEW!

This is one of those heart-stopping, pulse-pounding stories you are glad is resolved before you first hear about it.

(Thanks to insomniac for the original link)

WHOOSP!

(Thanks to queensbee)

AND THEY SAY BRITISH COOKING IS BORING

We can't wait for lunch.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

Related non-British story here.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

IT WAS SEVERAL HOURS BEFORE THE CREW REALIZED THAT IT WASN'T ONE OF THE PASSENGERS

Dead Whale Gets Stuck in Cruise Ship Bow

(Thanks to Rafi Farber)

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Nearly 11,000 acres of federal land closed while outhouse explosion probed

(Thanks to Fiskr)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR METALLICA

Killer Chipmunk

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

"He felt like he had to go and touch the Intrepid, so instead of paying for admission and going on board, he decided to jump in the water."

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

SHE'S DEFINITELY WASHINGTON MATERIAL

A foolproof economic plan.

A bit old, but as timely as ever.

(Thanks to Another Dave)

BACK IN THE SIXTIES, A LOT OF US MAJORED IN THIS

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

IT'S A START

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

NEW JERSEY

More Than Just Sopranos

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Fla. cops catch man running with cash register

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY CAN SPIT 400 FEET

Baseball-playing robots.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner and RussellMc)

THIS JUST IN FROM ABROAD

(Thanks to MissV and Layzeeboy)

SHE HAS A PLACE IN FLORIDA

An Ohio BMV worker was supervising road tests while her own license was suspended.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

EDUCATION UPDATE

King High assistant principal told to stop popping students' toes

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE'RE GLAD WE LIVE IN MIAMI, WHERE IT'S SAFE

Boontown Twp. cops mace groundhog, respond to brazen bear

(Thanks to Barbara A, padraig, Horace LaBadie and Jeff Meyerson, who saw Berserk Groundhog open for Brazen Bear)

MALE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to catmanmax)

YOU NEED THEM NOW

Handerpants.

(Thanks to James)

IMAGINE THE LIMBO CONTEST

Orgy cruising.

Key Excerpt: The compromising pictures, which showed tourists in engaging in sexual acts, were too explicit to be published in the Cyprus Mail, but many depicted ‘competitions’ in which whipped cream, melons and bananas played a central role.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT WILL TEACH THEM

(Thanks to DavCat)

CSI: KUALA TERENGGANU

The Terengganu Government has called for prompt action against the Kemaman panty and bra thief before the culprit strikes more fear among families.

Key Name of Disgusted State Executive Councillor: Datuk Mohamed Awang Tera

(Thanks to Rakesh Kumar Premakumaran)